Dear Agatha,
I got married three years ago after two-year of courtship. We didn’t attempt to make love during our courtship because of religious persuasion. My husband, a trainee pastor and I, the head of the choir of the church wanted to be of good behaviour and provide the right leadership for the youths in the church.
Although, nobody would have known if we had stolen moments of ecstasy but I felt it didn’t worth the bother. Even though I wasn’t a virgin, having experienced the pleasure of having sex from previous relationships, I decided to stop all that when I gave my life to Christ.
It wasn’t easy combining my banking job with heading the choir. I nevertheless squeezed time out of none to serve God.
For me, it was fulfilling and wonderful. So when this man approached me for a relationship, I had no inhibitions saying yes because I had also studied him. He was not going to be a full time pastor. An engineer and a staffer of a beverage company, his future was bright, one condition I always considered before saying yes to a man.
Being a Christian didn’t change that side of me because coming from a very humble background, I didn’t want my children to go through the harrowing experiences of struggling as I did on my own to get education. I hawked, worked to pay my bills since my mother just couldn’t afford to feed us, let alone send us to school.
It was during one of those hawking trips that I got deflowered by one of my customers. He raped me but that experience was not enough to deter me from getting to my goals.
It was a very horrible experience, one that I don’t wish for my worst enemy.
The relationship got the blessing of the church leadership, though not without some pockets of opposition from some quarters. I got to know later that he had told one of the ladies, also a member of the choir that he liked her. They had not gone far when I came along and we started dating. The lady eventually resigned from the choir when it became obvious that she couldn’t have him. But before she left, she told a friend of mine that my man can’t perform in bed, that his manhood was virtually none existent.
I dismissed this on the grounds that she was jealous. When I mentioned it to my man, he also accused her of being a soured grape. Agatha, I wish I had listened. I discovered the truth on our wedding night. His manhood is so small that it cannot penetrate deeply. The size is like that of a little baby’s. To compound the problem, achieving erection for him is not easy. I have to try all the tricks I know to get him started. It has been frustrating living with a man and not having the fulfillment required of a woman.
While this is going on, members of his family have variously come to fight me for not being able to produce an heir for their only son. I have endured several insults from all of them, because they all think I am the problem.
My husband is not helping matters. He goes about as if this isn’t a problem. He doesn’t care and keeps telling me that God has a reason. And whenever I accuse him of being stingy with the truth before we got married, he would flare up and refuse to talk to me for days. Till date he has not given me any reason for his refusal to inform me of this handicap.
Agatha what reason? What wrong did I do that has made God visit me with this problem? For three years as a married woman, I haven’t made love. The few times we tried were very frustrating for fulfillment, I have to get him to stimulate me orally or do it myself. But that won’t produce babies and often does not produce the desired fulfillment.
The reason I am seeking your opinion is that my family wants me to quit. I had to confide in my mother, who was also becoming worried about my inability to produce a child. I am also not interested in the marriage again. I have endured for three years and simply cannot cope with the denial of emotional fulfillment much longer. I don’t want to offend my vows by starting a relationship but if the truth must be told. I doubt if I can resist it much longer.
Please tell me how to go about this? I want to quit as fast as possible.
Kate.
Dear Kate,
It is a very serious problem because sex is very fundamental in a marriage. It is unfortunate that this is happening to both of you but throwing in the towel so soon isn’t a solution either.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not unmindful of the emotional sacrifices you have to put up with in this kind of situation, the denial and the attendant condemnation from people who are not in the know of what is happening.
There is still, however, the need for you to exercise caution in this matter.
First and foremost there is the need for you to call your husband and explain your feelings to him. Tell him exactly what you have told me, both your frustration and your desire to quit. Let him know the hurt and pains you feel whenever his people come to make trouble with you due to your seemingly inability to give them a grandchild. To get him to listen, anchor your presentation on your undying love for him. His refusal to discuss the matter may not be unconnected with a morbid fear of losing you. Guilt at not telling you and fear that you would pack up the marriage are the core reasons he is appearing indifferent. Deep down, he is more concerned about it than you can imagine. Your assurance of love should get him talking. Once you can get him to open up on the matter, it would be a lot easier to discuss the options open to both of you. For instance it is important to seek medical help on the matter.
Since he manages to achieve erection, my medical doctor consultant says, all hope is not lost. With the right medical attention and drugs, your husband could sustain longer period of erection. Do whatever you have to do to get him to seek medical help if he has never done so. Even if he has done that in the past, insist on seeing the specialist together.
Besides, size has nothing to do with a man’s performance drive or the health of his sperm. Once he is able to hold erection for longer period and expel healthy sperm, getting pregnant would not be a problem.
While foreplay adds excitement to lovemaking, don’t use it to replace the real thing no matter how frustrating and energy sapping the process is. Pretend it is not a problem in the marriage and regard the extensive foreplay as your special lovemaking menu. You would cope best with this problem if you keep the vows ‘for better for worse’ at the top of your mind. Regarding this period as the worst part of your marriage would help you to put it in its proper perspective.
If he were your brother or son would you abandon him?
Granted, he wronged you by withholding such important information from you, two wrongs do not make a right. Look past the betrayal and find ways of going beyond this point without halting the ship of your marriage.
Alternative herbal practitioners claim, with the help some herbs they can minimally increase the size of a man’s organ. Go to any leading herbal clinic for more information.
Furthermore, this is the time to challenge God in faith. Place your hand on him and call on God to make right what is wrong. God is still in the business of miracles. Both of you should come together to pray as a couple. It is the only way you can get over this problem as a family. Once there is an agreement between you spiritually and physically, the battle will be half won. Pray for mercy, patience, wisdom as well as faith to overcome this problem. With mercy and grace of God, you would overcome.
Good luck.
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