What’s wrong if I love my dead lover’s brother?

Dear Agatha, 

I am a big fan of your column. In November 2009, l met a guy, who cared so much for me. When I got admission into the university, he brought a lot of things for me.

Our problem started the day he asked me to make love to him, because I have never had sex. I left never to come back to him. One day when l came back from school, l saw him waiting for me. He asked me to come back, but I never did, because I failed to see any future with him. One day, he called to say he wasn’t feeling fine. I honestly thought it was a ploy to make me come to see him, hence I refused to go.

However, when I saw his brother days later, he told me about his deplorable state of health. I joined his brother to pick him up from the pharmacy that day and when I called in the night to explain myself to him, I couldn’t because of his health condition. You can imagine my pains and regrets when I called in the morning to hear the saddening news that he passed on that night. Since then I haven’t been able to forgive myself. The truth is that I loved him but he didn’t fit into the kind of life my parents always wanted for me. 

Not long after his death, his brother asked me out. Regrets, pains and sorrow over the death of his brother made me to accept his proposal. And to avoid making the same mistake I made with his brother, I agreed to sleep with him and everybody is now saying we would bring bad luck to each other if we don’t stop. Is it true?

Worried Girl

Dear Worried Girl,

I don’t know about you two bringing bad luck to each other but morally, it isn’t right. When did your boyfriend die? You and this brother of his owe his memory some respect. What do you want people to think of the two of you? There are a lot of people who would think that you both had been going out long before your boyfriend died. How many people do you intend telling that you and the late boyfriend didn’t go intimate and that you quarreled with him for asking you to sleep with him?

Even if you feel anything real for yourselves, the timing of your emotions is wrong and leaves sour taste in the mouth. Both of you didn’t act well at all; this is probably why everybody is alluding to bad luck for the two of you. 

Even if the brother didn’t see anything wrong in asking the girlfriend of his late brother out, being the woman, you should turn him down especially as you and your late boyfriend weren’t exactly on good terms before his death. 

One thing that would help you in life is not to bulk pass. You slept with him because you wanted to and not out of a sense of guilt at your treatment of his late brother. You didn’t have to sleep with him if you didn’t want to. 

The issue now is what you intend to do with the relationship. Do you intend to keep it going as compensation for the loss of his brother or admit to yourself what you really feel for this man?

While it is expedient for both of you to give yourselves space to tidy up your acts and to properly mourn the dead, it is equally necessary for you to really evaluate your feelings for this man. You must know what you feel for him as well as what he feels for you. Since both of you have crossed the Rubicon in terms of sexual adventure, a relationship, irrespective of whatever anybody feels has been established. Therefore, you as the woman must take the necessary steps in determining how much of this feeling he claims to have for you come from his heart as well as the one that come from his imagination. 

You also have to perform the same exercise on yourself. Would you have really gone out with him if it hadn’t been for his brother? Is he the kind of man you would be happy with? What are your true feelings for him, considering the fact that you didn’t think twice before giving him your virginity? At this juncture in your life, learn to be honest with yourself as well as the situation you have found yourself. 

Importantly, learn more on God in this matter because He sees what we don’t see and knows what we don’t know.

What is required is for both of you to be honest, responsible and sensitive to the potency of time.

Good luck.

She avoids avenue for peace after any quarrel…

Dear Agatha,

I am a Ghanaian and have been reading most of your works on the nigeriaworld.com site, and I must say it’s a great deal of insight God has given you. God bless you more. Agatha, I have been in relationship with this girl for the past one year and two months, and I must say that it has been great until last month when we started having little squabbles over trivial issues. I have realised my woman to be quick tempered, gets angry over issues of no importance.

I am in the habit of calling her most of the time and for reasons of official responsibilities, I am unable to call her, she becomes very furious and very unmindful of how mean she can get when she is in this mood. In that kind of mood, she has severally threatened to end the relationship, and would in fact remain inaccessible for days.  Agatha, I love this lady so much that we have plans to get married. How will married life be with this attitude? How do I make her stop going into hiding for days when we have a disagreement?

I do need your advice.

Worried Man.

Dear Worried Man, 

Thank God you are not in the dark regarding the character of the woman you intend spending the rest of your life with. At least she is honest enough not to hide her true nature from you. The choice is now yours: would you be able to cope with her kind of person or not? If she has been good all these while until a month ago, then what do you think could be the issue? Has she been complaining about anything in particular all these while, perhaps your attitude or character? More often than not, people close to us take their attitude from our reactions to issues concerning them. If this is a recent development, you should begin the search from your end. Have you demonstrated the kind of concern expected from someone who claims to love her? If she has consistently complained about an issue, take your cue from there. Ask her when she is happy, and most likely to listen to you why you are both having these little issues between the two of you. Be careful not to make her feel like she is the reason for the problem in the relationship. Even if deep down, you think she is more of the problem, present it as a joint one. This way, you give her the opportunity of opening up and telling it as it is. Allow her to bare her mind completely because that is the only way you can get an idea of why she keeps behaving this way and know too how to help her beat the habit.

After she has spoken, also tell her your worry about her behaviour and how much it is beginning to affect the dream you both have of sharing your lives together. Don’t pretend at this point; let her know you are really apprehensive of the future of the relationship, and that you are in fact at the point of reconsidering your stance over the relationship. Because she is the one dishing out the menu, she may not know how much hurt she is serving you unless you draw her attention to it. In situation like this, give her time to change after the discussion. Furthermore, don’t delude yourself that she would completely change, it doesn’t happen that way. She would only make the effort but you have to make up your mind on the percentage of sacrifice you think you can make for peace in this relationship. 

Every relationship has its measure of sacrifices to make it work. Her temper is something you can control by ignoring her. No woman likes to be ignored or treated as inconsequential. Each time her temper rises, walk away from her, refusing to sit around her to listen to whatever she has to say. If you are not around her, you won’t have to hear what she has to say. By the time her temper blows away gently, but firmly tell her the damage her temper is causing the relationship and how if she fails to control it, it might make you walk away from her finally despite the love you have for her. There is always a stage of building and consolidation in every relationship. You are both in the stage of constructing your relationship in the way you would both benefit from it.  Good luck.

She’s back begging when her born-again fails…

Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your column. Thanks for the wonderful work you are doing.  

There is this lady I met about five months ago; we became very close and even commenced a relationship. To solidify our relationship, we became intimate. 

Not quite long after we became close, she told me she wasn’t interested in having me as her lover anymore because she has become born-again. Naturally, I was annoyed at the development, but still respected her feelings and decision. 

But before this development some of her friends have cautioned me not to take her too serious because of her notorious lifestyle. Then I didn’t take them too serious but after she came up with this excuse, I began to think her friends were right. 

This was amplified by her dramatic u-turn. Some few days after she told me she wasn’t interested in me, she went to my friends to come and plead on her behalf that she didn’t really mean what she told me. She told them she wanted me to take her back into my life. 

Unfortunately for her, I have taken the decision not to. What do you think?

GD.

Dear GD, 

My thoughts are irrelevant since you have made up your mind not to take her back. 

However, it might be necessary for you to see her to know personally why she came up with such a story. Something must have informed her decision to say and do what she did.Her answer may help you improve on any other relationship you may decide to go into. Simply because she behaved in a way you didn’t like doesn’t mean her reasons may not be tangible. 

She may indeed have reasons to change the rule in your relationship, but felt you may not listen or take her too serious hence the story of becoming born-again. 

At least being born-again would eradicate the issue of sex between you. That might just be what she isn’t comfortable with but just didn’t know how to tell you about it. Telling you she is leaving you because of her new found faith might be the only thing she thought could get you to listen to her.

As for her friends, they are not worth listening to. True friends don’t backbite or destroy the reputation of a friend. If I were you, I wouldn’t take seriously the remarks of such people. 

If you do take your time to listen to her, you may find yourself changing your mind about her. The right sort of communication is what your relationship lacks. Communicating through sex only weakens the foundation of a relationship. It doesn’t add anything because it makes it difficult for a couple to have the right perspective to tackle serious matters in a relationship. 

If you do decide to take her back, it would do both of you good to lessen your dependence on sex, and to cultivate the right attitude of growing a profitable relationship which includes having a common focus as well as absolute trust in yourselves.

Good luck. 

She begs me to deflower her before wedding night

Dear Agatha,

I am 26 years of age. My girlfriend and I have been together for two years running and I plan to marry her. She is a virgin, a treasure I promised not to touch until our wedding night. However anytime we are together, she wants me to sleep with her. Right now she is so worried and says that if I really love her I should deflower her. She sometimes asks if I am a healthy man. I have repeatedly told her that I am not a virgin, but that since I met her I have been faithful due to the love we have for each other. Agatha, come to my rescue. Should I deflower her?

Concerned Man

Dear Concerned Man,

It is unfortunate that your woman who should be protecting her dignity is the one demanding you sleep with her. I appreciate the seriousness of your situation especially as she seems to be calling your viability as a man to question.

Ordinarily the temptation would be for you to prove to her that you are a very viable man, but these things go beyond your current situation. It bothers on integrity as well as your feelings for her. If you have promised yourself you wouldn’t touch her until you are married, stick to it irrespective of the pressures she is putting on you. This will enable you gauge her true feelings for you. If her demand to have sex with you is too much for you, ask her why she is so intent on it if she is truly a virgin as she claims. Let her know that she isn’t behaving like a true virgin and that you wonder why what she says she has kept to this point has suddenly become a burden to her.

If she continues, tell her you are reluctant because you don’t want to take away something so precious from her until your wedding night. Make her realise that life’s many unexpected turns could cause both of you to have a change of mind and that she would be the loser if the relationship suffers a setback; that you are trying to make her see reasons she should wait because you care and love her. Honestly the choice to go all the way is yours but it pays to be careful and responsible with things like this. Good luck. 

I’m betrothed, but my boss seriously loves me

Dear Agatha,

May God reward you for your life-changing column. You are indeed changing lives in many homes as well as helping singles make better choices.   

Agatha, there is this man who happens to be my boss in the office. He actually helped me secure the job without demanding for anything. But after a month, he called me into his office and told me why he brought me to work with him.

He told me he brought me to wipe away his tears.  

Baffled, I asked him what he meant, it was then he told me of the ladies he previously planned to marry and how both of them died mysteriously. The first one, he said was actually poisoned. With two fiancées dead, he became wary of offering any other lady a proposal of marriage. He said he actually considered running to a place where nobody, including members of his family would be able to locate him. 

Unfortunately, the plan didn’t work out. His parents out of concern brought him a lady to marry. He told me he married her despite not being in love with her. According to him, he did it to please his parents.  

His conclusions about me being the one to make him happy derives from me being the image of his first love. 

Sometimes he would give me to buy anything that I need. He even went as far as renting an apartment for me, an offer I rejected. 

As a matter of fact, he has done so many things to lure me into submitting to his desires for me. 

Recently, I told him I would be getting married very soon but he insisted he would not give up until the day my man completes all formal marriage rites on me. I have told my fiancé about him and his demands. , 

Please what should I do? Should I resign my appointment from the ministry to have peace of mind? Please, I am confused.  

Faith.

Dear Faith, 

Stop receiving money or any other form of gift from him. Even though you have told your man about him, if you continue to receive gifts or other assistance from him, you are compromising yourself. 

It would also not make your refusal of his request sound genuine. This is why he insists he would never stop making these demands of you until your man finishes performing all marital rites on you. 

Your receipt of these gifts keeps his hope alive that you might change your mind about him. Whereas, if from the very beginning you refused to take anything from him, he would have since got the message that you are serious about not wanting to have anything to do with him. 

There is no way any man would take a woman who continues to receive monetary gifts from him seriously about her refusal not to date him. It is pointless to continue to court a situation you don’t want to be part of. 

That you have told your man doesn’t make it right for you to keep receiving his gifts. This would only compromise you and invariably cause problems between you and your husband-to-be. No matter how well he trusts you, your continuous acceptance of gifts from your boss would eventually make him wonder if you are telling him the whole truth. 

Even though he helped you into the ministry, he doesn’t own it. You have as much right to work in public-funded establishment as he has. What you can do is to ask for a transfer from that ministry. Besides, he hasn’t employed any dirty measure to compel you to resign your appointment. To resign is to give him the satisfaction that he has won the battle. Besides, you simply have to learn to overcome developments like this. Men would continue to signify attention on any female they find attractive. Some would even try to blackmail you into sleeping with them. You should as a woman learn to develop the skill to resist and defend yourself without giving an inch to the man. This is necessary for your survival as a career woman.

Asking for a transfer is simply to give you the room to develop your career without the distraction he presents to you. It doesn’t mean you would be protected from similar demands by your new boss or that your marital status would prevent men from approaching you for friendship. 

As an interim measure, introduce your fiancé to him, who in turn should appreciate him for helping you secure a job. The constant presence of your fiancé would help lessen the time he has to pressurise you. 

As a friend who helped you, stand in gap for him always. From all he told you it is obvious he has some spiritual problems for which he is oblivious. Standing in gap for him would not only help him overcome these problems but would also help point him at the direction to look at. 

You can also visit www.auntieagatha.blogspot.com or write agatha.edo@gmail.com

Good luck.

I am no longer comfortable in my home

Dear Agatha,

I’m 38 years and my wife is 37. We have been married for the past five years and have two lovely daughters.

However, recent events in my life have raised a lot of questions I find difficult to answer.

Though these are not recent developments, I am no longer comfortable with the situation in my home.  In the beginning, my parents refused to allow me marry her but for my love for her, I resisted my family’s pressure and married her. That initial rejection of her pitched her against my family and since then she complains about every little thing any member of my family does to her. She has refused to forgive them. Even when I manifest some level of magnanimity to forgive any of her family members who offend me, she has bluntly refused to extend same hand of fellowship to my family members. Often the act of defending her pitched me against my immediate family. Every effort I make to talk her into manifesting a forgiving spirit has proved abortive.

She also has the habit of choosing when to say good morning to me or not, even when there is no problem or quarrel between us. On some occasions that I had raised this, her response had been whether it is a crime if I greet her first. To ensure this doesn’t create any problem in the family, I either greet her first or I ignore her and continue my day without making any fuss over her conduct. 

Recently, she developed the habit of beating her cousin staying with us; accusing her of negligence and all that. She expects this 13 year old to know and do all the housekeeping chores. If the girl does not remember to do any of these chores, there would be shouting and beating of the girl that day. I have often tried to correct her to take it easy with the girl, to no avail. I have been careful in my intervention to avoid being accused of having interest in the girl. However, my concern is she is also guilty of the same things she beats this girl for.  Consider this; our daughter of two years urinated on the bed in our room one night. I put a rubber mat under her with a wrapper to soak the urine before she slept. In the morning, I woke her up, bathed her and put her in her school bus before going to work. In the evening when I came back, I observed that the wrapper soaked with urine with the rubber mat were still on our bed. When I asked her why she didn’t remove them from the bed, she told me she had been searching for the wrapper and asked why I didn’t fold the rubber mat when I carried the girl out of the bed in the morning. Interestingly she slept on that bed in the afternoon. This is one out of many acts of negligence she manifests. When asked why she didn’t do certain things, her response is always why I didn’t tell her to do them. So the expectation of her using her initiative always fails.

Some days ago, she asked me for permission to use part of the money from her account for her personal use. I asked if that permission was necessary since she has often collected money from there without my permission. Her response was that since we have made a budget for the month, she knows using the money will affect our budget and so needs my permission to go into the account. I allowed her. However, the following day she told me she was going to the market to buy some gift items for some people. I thought the money she collected two days before, part of which she asked to use was still available. So I didn’t give her money as she didn’t ask for it though she knew I had good money with me that day. I left to go out and buy some newspaper for the day and saw her driving in the direction opposite the market that she was supposed to have gone.

When she came back and we were going for the wedding she needed the gifts for,  I asked what she went to do in the direction I saw here. To my shock she said she went to collect cash from an ATM. When I asked if she didn’t go to the bank the day she told me she was going to the bank and also why she didn’t collect money from me that morning instead of going to the bank, she didn’t answer. I also asked why she didn’t request permission this time around before withdrawing money, she still didn’t answer and has since then stopped speaking with me. 

Now, there is this neighbour of ours whose office is close to mine and her husband is out of work that I have been giving a lift since the beginning of last year. Occasionally we work late and anytime either of us is working late, I always phone my wife ahead to explain why we would be returning late. 

To be honest with you, there is nothing immoral going on between us and my wife knows as I feed her with most things we discuss any day. You won’t believe my wife is planning on how to fight this woman. Her reason is that since the mother of this lady left her first husband to remarry, chances are this woman too could be planning on leaving her husband to marry me. We have been on this issue since March last year. Having suffered unemployment myself, I know what it is like to be unemployed. I also extend the same considerations to her husband whenever he has to go out in search for work and this couple is ever appreciative of my assistance to them. 

This woman told me her family background herself and vowed that since her mother-in-law stood against their marriage because of this reason; she will do everything within her to prove her wrong despite whatever she may suffer in her husband’s hand. Honestly, I admire her for the courage but is it fair for my wife to fight her for a thing she didn’t cause? My wife knew of this before the woman told me. I don’t know how to tell the woman to stop following me. Also, if we have anything together, will that stop us from continuing? 

I am confused because correcting her is always interpreted as blaming her. What do I do?

Enajplg.

Dear Enajplg,

If telling this couple you will not longer be able to assist the woman any longer is the only way to have peace in your home and stop this innocent woman from public embarrassment from your wife, do it. You don’t have to give her the real reason for your actions but being a woman herself, she would probably guess it.

Considering the gossip associated with what your wife plan to do and how it would negatively affect her home, she would in time come to thank you for such maturity. See it as your way of helping her to save her marriage from unwarranted suspicions from even her husband who may after a while come to view your assistance to his wife as a masquerade for something deeper.

When a woman is bent on making trouble with another woman over her husband, it is best for the man at the centre of it all to do everything within his powers to avoid such ugliness especially since the woman involved is not only married but your neighbour whose husband happens to be currently unemployed. The evidence of the situation would make a lot of people actually question your gesture towards her irrespective of how innocent you both are.

Definitely it would hurt you considering the sympathy you actually feel for this couple but the health of your marriage at this point should be your major concern. Like you rightly pointed out, it may not stop the presumed secret relationship between the two of you, but it would stop your wife from embarrassing you and this woman in the process of protecting her territory.

As for her other habits, there is nothing you can do but to continue to put up with them. By agreeing to marry her despite the opposition of your family towards the relationship, you unwittingly agreed to accommodate her behaviour as well as attitude. To back out of it now would be to give victory to those members of your family who saw ahead of you, who knew from day one that she won’t give you the kind of happiness you deserve.

One thing is definite about life, there is no perfect situation but absolute determination to make a bad situation work. Marriage is one of those situations in life where only a strong- willed strength of mind is required to make it work. That she is disappointing you, doesn’t translate to failure or giving up on the marriage for that matter. It only means that you simply have to devise means of making it work for both of you.

Marriage is like working at getting the right patent for something you cherish. Your staying power is never to focus on what is happening now but to always keep in view your reason for choosing her above all the other women that you came across before you married her.

The attitude you have adopted is the best way to deal with someone like her. By ignoring her, you make unimportant issues she thinks is a big deal. The child in question is your daughter. Continue, if you have the time to care for her. Children have a way of repaying loyalty and neglect. By the time she realises the implication of her actions, her daughter’s mind may have been made up against her. Overtime she would definitely come to realise her mistakes and begin to act her role as a wife. 

All you have to do is to continue to pray for her to have a change of attitude so she can be the kind of woman you need in your life.

Good luck.

He saves his ex’s phone with his surname

Dear Agatha,
Please, help me. My fiancé had an affair with a lady in school who got pregnant for him. The lady didn’t inform him about the pregnancy until after she has delivered of the baby. My boyfriend accepted to take the baby without having anything to do with the mother. He told her to stay away from him. He was very aggressive and angry with her when she made attempts to call him on his phone.
You can therefore imagine my reactions when I went through his phone and discovered not only the lady’s number but also saved it with his surname.
What should I do?
Worried Girl.

Dear Worried Girl,
Trust has been breached on all fronts in this relationship. When a man and woman go into the bedroom, the outcome of that decision results in one conclusive end – a new baby.
While the lady betrayed trust by refusing to tell your boyfriend about the impending baby, your fiancé cannot be absolved of any blame. Protection isn’t only the responsibility of the lady; it is the joint responsibility of the two persons performing the act. When a man makes love to a woman without protection, such a man cannot claim to have been forced into premature parenthood by the woman. The moment he agreed to or failed to insist on protection at the point of lovemaking means he would accept all the consequences. So there is no way you can stop this man from seeing his child or having anything to do with the woman who gave birth to the child.
He may not have planned or bargained for a baby but it hasn’t changed the fact that he fathered that child.
To insist he must not have anything to do with the mother of the child is being unreasonable and whatever name he decides to save the number of the lady is his choice not yours. No matter how much you detest it, they have become essential part of his life irrespective of whether you came before them or not. What should be of concern to you now is how to conduct your relationship with him not making trouble over his relationship with this woman and baby. The danger of making such a mistake would be too much for you to bear in the long run.
When complications like this occur, the woman in the house or in a man’s life require wisdom to win the war especially if a child is involved.
That child has put you in a major disadvantage and any attempt on your to make trouble could lead to you and your boyfriend going your separate ways.
Don’t even let him know you went through his phone because if he were looking for an excuse, it would be a perfect one to make trouble with you. Truthfully you have no right to go through his phone. That phone is his, not yours. While the argument is often that when two people are in love, they must share everything, realistically, it is a theory that cannot work perfectly because of our nature as human beings.
By nature, no matter how deeply in love we are, there is a part of us we like to keep hidden in our hearts. To avoid falling fowl of your partner’s trust of leaving personal effects in one’s care, it is always best never to search through those things without first obtaining his or her consent. To do so is to declare one’s unworthiness of that person’s trust as well as one’s unsuitability to trust.
Yes, we get to know certain things through snooping around but these are evidences one cannot flaunt the sources publicly without calling to question one’s own reliability to be trusted.
How do you explain to him your source of information? Do you think he would ever trust you again?
Before you even begin to challenge him, it would be best you first of all consider your options and endurance level. In the first instance, do you trust this man? This is crucial if the baby and its mother came during your relationship with him. It is another matter altogether if their relationship with him predates yours in which case you have to be careful on the volume of noise you make to avoid the other lady feeling bad over the man’s choice of you over her. Can you really cope with a stepchild? How much do you love this man and all his excesses? Do you think you have enough love to cancel the problems of having a stepchild and its mother? Do you have enough love to give this child? Are you secured enough in your man’s love not to maltreat this child or nag your husband?
These are questions you must first of all tackle before going to the man with your reservations. This is because a lot of the work depends on your attitude and peace of mind at the development. There is no way you will ever be happy enough to discharge your responsibility towards this man and child if you have deep rooted resentment for both of them.
Happiness and peace are the essential ingredients to make the impossible seem very easy.
You have to apply wisdom even if you suspect the other woman planned everything to happen this way. The wisdom is accepting them as part of your man’s life and demanding without bitterness the terms of relationship especially where the interest of the child is concerned. The child is an innocent party in all these and if you plan to be a permanent feature in the life of the man, then you have to be very careful how you handle the matter because whatever you do now would affect not only your relationship with the man but also with the child now and in the future.
The knowledge that this child has a permanent link with the father should inform you on how to handle this matter. There is no way this man would ever deny his child or the child’s mother. Even if the man doesn’t want to have anything to do with the mother of that child now, in future he would be forced to submit to the pressures and manipulation of this child. So it is in your interest you find a positive way of ensuring harmony between all parties so that you would not end up being the victim at the end of the whole drama.
Despite all the other problems he has, for him to have accepted the child and its responsibility without denying having the woman and the baby shows a man passionate about a child. It also shows a man who is responsible and fair-minded.
If you talk reasonably to such a man, he would understand your fears. Just ask him about his plans for the mother of the child. Demand to know what he feels for the mother of the child. Give him the freedom and opportunity to be truthful to you and believe in his words. Above all you have to be confident in yourself, his love as well as in your relationship. It may not be easy given what has happened but determination is priceless in situations like this.
Help him put a firm definition to his life. Even if at the end of the day you are the one who exits in his life, it won’t be to your inability to accommodate this child and mother but to the will of God.
Good luck.

His smoking habit irritates me…

I am a 20-year-old girl. I don’t and have never had a boyfriend. But there is this particular boy that has been disturbing me for a relationship.

There is no denying the fact that I love him but there is a draw back, he has some very irritating habits, like smoking which I don’t like.

Besides, I don’t know if he loves me as he proclaims. 

Please advise me because I am very confused.  

Sarah.

Dear Sarah, 

Don’t do anything you would later regret. Since you have discovered these habits this early, best you keep your distance. At 20, you have a whole life ahead of you, one that you need to plan very well towards.

Getting entangled with the wrong person this early in your life would leave you completely disenchanted about life. You don’t need that sort of initiation at all. 

Unless he is very willing and determined to change there is nothing your love can do for him except to tolerate the situation. From experience nagging, fighting, and quarrelling never solves the problem of smoking or drinking. Rather it only makes the person more determined to continue in his or her habits. Social habits such as smoking and drinking requires more than love to defeat. The person who has the problem must have a concomitant will to stop. It doesn’t stop at such people knowing the health implications associated with their habits but developing the steeled will to stop. 

So it goes beyond you telling him you are not interested in his offer because of his habit but that of him developing immunity to these habits. It would require extreme patience and self-suffering on your side if you decide to go with him. 

Chances are he may tell you he would stop, for the simple reason of having you in his life. But the decision to believe him or not is yours to make. Would your love him enough to help you overcome the attendant discomfort, unhappiness and regrets that accompany these social vices? Would the love you have for him be strong enough to make up for the social inconveniences partners of people with social vices face?

Think deeply. Think about your dreams, your visions, including those you are already having on behalf of your children. How would his social habits promote or devalue these dreams? You need to examine all angles to this issue before making a clear decision, else you would end up being so unhappy, a situation which even love cannot remedy.

If you do decide to go, don’t blame him or anyone for whatever challenge you encounter with him or try to change him because you knew what you were going into before agreeing. 

People with these social habits refuse to give up their habits on the grounds that their complaining partners knew they were into such habits when they agreed to a relationship with them.

You would never have any reason to condemn him or desire to change him since he didn’t deceive you into the relationship by pretending not to have these vices.

You would need to get close to him to determine if his love for you is real or not. 

Good luck.

I’m in love with an ogbanje…

I like the way you resolve issues. I am a 22-year undergraduate. There is this girl I came in contact with four years ago. She is the kind of woman no man can resist.

I took her home for introduction to my family last year but recently noticed she is an ogbanje (familiar spirit).Should I ignore her or go ahead to marry her. We are both in love with each other. I don’t know what to do. 

Anxious Boy Friend

Dear Anxious Friend, 

How did you come about the knowledge that she has familiar spirit? Whosoever told you of her spiritual identity, ought to have told you that with God on your side, nothing is impossible?

What you should do is to take her for deliverance. It is immaterial whether you want to marry her or not. God may have brought you two together to help point her at the direction to go to rid her of this problem. We meet in life for different reasons and helping her to stabilise spiritually would definitely help focus her life in such a way she would forever thank you for being part of her life.

Besides, until now she may not know the spiritual problem confronting her at all. That you were given the knowledge of her spiritual leakage is an indication of your importance in her life.

Because this kind needs the presence and knowledge of God to neutralise, there is the need for you to first go to God in prayers for both direction and the extent of your involvement in this matter. 

If God actually brought her your way for you to help, He would tell you where to get the right assistance for her. 

If you trust God and have this confidence in Him that there is nothing He cannot do, there is no harm in marrying her. The reality of life is such that a lot of us suffer from one spiritual problem or the other without the person knowing why a particular situation persists in his or her life. Simply because you now know about hers, doesn’t absolve you of the presence of spiritual complications in your own life too. Who knows in helping her find a solution to hers, you also help liberate yourself too from the grip of powers fighting against your destiny.

However at 22, certain things are more important to you now than the issue of who to marry or not. You still have a long time to be ready for the task you have elected to shoulder now. This is because to conquer this kind of problem one must have both time and determination to concentrate on the kind of intercessory prayers required to helping your friend overcome. 

You also have to be spiritually strong to avoid the repercussions that come from helping someone under some spiritual authority. Being in school and with your age, you have to make up your mind to put in extra efforts for the sake of the love you have for her.

Such sacrifices come with true love.

Good luck. 

He beats me up for his sister…

Dear Agatha, 

My husband and I live in their family house. Recently his sister and I had a disagreement, which degenerated into a physical combat. When my husband came back, he took side with his sister by slapping me. 

Now I want to pack out of the house and get a divorce. I need your help.

Disappointed Wife.

Dear Disappointed Wife, 

Don’t pack out on account of what happened between you and your sister-in-law. Even though your husband behaved harshly by slapping you, it takes two to make a situation right, just as it takes two to worsen an already bad situation.

I can understand how frustrating staying in a family house can be for you, especially the lack of privacy and the number of his family members you have to put up with every day. But with a lot of maturity, you can avoid certain situations like fighting.

To be very sincere with you, given the situation at hand, there is no way he would have supported you while you are both tenants in his family house. To have done that would be putting you into more difficult situation than you are already.

The moment you agreed to come and live with him in his family house, you mortgaged your happiness and freedom to do whatever you like with your husband and marriage. No matter how nice and appealing the situation was in the beginning, you should have insisted before you married him to get himself an accommodation even if it’s a room. By agreeing to go and live with him in his family house, you unwittingly agreed to whatever it shall take you to live with him and other members of the family. It is unfortunate that this is happening but it has given you a reason to reconsider your stay in that house as well as put subtle pressure on your husband to rent apartment.

If you make good your threat to pack away from his house and end the marriage, you would be helping to fulfill the desire of those members of his family who have always thought you aren’t good enough for him. 

Marriage is a journey of painful sacrifices and adjustments. When a woman gets married, she has to learn for her own peace as well as stability of her home, master the politics of marrying her interest with those of her in-laws. Whether you like it or not, these people have always been part of his life; therefore cannot be divorced from him, whereas, on the other hand, you can decide to leave him just like you are contemplating now or he you. 

As unpleasant as this may sound, it is the reality. Hence the need for you as the new comer to the family to be smart and wise at all times, especially as you are living with the whole gang. 

In this kind of situation, learn to be warm to everybody while mastering the act of keeping your thoughts and emotions to yourself. Familiarity in this kind of place will expose you to unpleasant situations you don’t want. it will encourage gossips, quarrels, jealousy and backbiting. 

Be smart enough to know this is also not the kind of environment you antagonise your husband unduly. The place you are in doesn’t permit you to be disrespectful, disobedient to your husband or complain at all, because his family members would tag you a nag.  

Life is a wholesome process. There is nothing new under the sun. What you are experiencing is something a woman too has gone through in your family. Any family that has a son must have caused one or more women to cry either openly or secretly. 

You just have to exercise patience like majority of women are doing to make this marriage work. What you are going through is what would give your marriage the character and attributes. 

Even if you end this one, do you know the kind of in-laws you are going to meet in your next marriage? Do you know the kind of husband you are going to meet there? A lot of patience is what you require to conquer, ask God through prayers not only to give it to you but also to help your husband realise the danger of his stay in the family house to his marriage. 

Unless your husband is given the spiritual leading to appreciate the need for him to stand firmly as a man who is now married, nothing you do would make him change his mind about leaving that house. So rather than get angry, go on your knees and pray to God to make the place uncomfortable for him so that he would be compelled to find a place of his own.

As his wife, you are to stand in gap for him at all times. Any man who decides to live in his family house after marriage certainly needs all the spiritual help he can get to make him overcome his life challenge. Rather than fight him, rise to the challenge before you if you really love this man and desire the best for him. If you leave him, you will really be failing in your God given duties to help him. What you are currently experiencing as distractions aimed at making you neglect your reason for marrying this man. By refusing to give up on him, you would also be helping yourself find the right kind of happiness in life.

What you are experiencing is a spiritual battle; one you didn’t know when it started but which you would have to play a major role in his life to help defeat. God that brought you both together didn’t make a mistake at all. He knew from the beginning what would come of your marriage to him. By giving it all up to Him, you will eventually become a very happy woman. 

I would say something I was once told by God, don’t get angry, don’t pack it up and be very patient. It is well.

Good luck.