Friday, June 26, 2009

My Pastor Boyfriend Wants Me Pregnant As Marriage Preconditon


Dear Agatha,


I am in a very tight corner as my boyfriend of six months who professes to be a pastor is insisting I get pregnant before he can marry me.

I have equally made up against getting pregnant before I marry or allow him sleep with me for that matter. Although I am not a virgin but I want a man to love me for whom I am, and not for the thrills of my body.

I actually love this man with my whole heart but his condition is putting me off as well as making me questioning his passion for the things for God.

I am so confused especially as my age, early 30s, is putting me under severe pressure to settle down but do you think him sincere in his feelings for me? Incidentally, he is in his late 40s and still single.

Confused Lady.


Dear Confused Lady,

I concur you are walking a very tight rope but one which wisdom and honesty of what you really want out of life can get you off easily without consequences.

To help you make the right choice, think of what your new values are and what informed them. A man who is interested in a woman would not give conditions without thinking of the consequences to the woman.

The issue here is whether you are you ready to be pregnant now without being married? You have said no, so let your no be a resounding one to him, one he has to understand as well as appreciate the reasons behind it.

The danger of submitting to him on this one is that if you allow him to blackmail you now he will do to you as he pleases in future. From this early, he has to learn to respect you, consider your feelings and thoughts as well as give both of you the opportunity to discuss the advantages or otherwise of the choices you have to make in your relationship.

A relationship where one party takes the decision and expects the other person to accept such a decision never works no matter how desperate the two initially crave for it. The pedals of a successful relationship need the input of both parties to get it moving excellently well.

In this instance both of you must set aside your previous prejudices that caused both of you to take the decisions you each took before going into this relationship. Without both of you helping this relationship get off the ground, it will collapse like a pack of cards.

On your part, you must understand why he is unmarried at his age when all his peers are almost expecting their grandchildren. Whatever experiences he has had are definitely not pleasant ones for him to be still single at his age. Against this background, you must understand that such a man may not be ready to take chances, want assurances that after waiting for almost 50 years of age, his choices are very limited hence must have the physical evidence to take the all important step in life.

For him, it is no longer love the way you see it but a reality of what he has to do. This is not saying he doesn’t feel anything for you but not enough to make him take the risk of marrying a woman he isn’t sure of her ability to give him a child.

Though unfortunate, given the fact that as a servant of God he ought to be more trusting of the God he serves, he is still a man, limited by his ways and hampered by his life experiences. You must understand that not everybody who claims to be a servant of God has all that it takes to stand on the side of God in times of trials and temptations. Yet, God finds a place for them to work in His vineyard, so don’t on account of what he is asking you to do question his relevance in the factory of God.

The danger of concentrating on his vocation is that you will never be able to make an unbiased assessment of all the unseen issues involved in his demands. To help, you must know every experience he has had with women and how he ended up being still single at his age.

That would enable you know how to manage him in such a way your relationship would come out the best for it.

As the woman involved and who has to give him back the confidence he must have lost in the past in women and relationships, you cannot afford to be too rigid on certain things. While you insist you don’t want to get pregnant before the wedding day, both of you can quietly go to the registry to formalise your union to enable you get pregnant within legal frameworks. Make him understand that this is more for his sake than yours since he is the one who has the moral responsibility of facing a congregation of God’s children to explain why he who is supposed to know better pre-empted his marital vows.

You have to learn to use what is important to him now to make him reason with you. There is every possibility that in his blinded quest to actualise his own personal agenda, he forgot to consider the implication of his desire on his calling as well as the effect it would have on all the youths who in one way or the other have come to see him as their role model.

Discussing it with him would enable him think beyond the immediacy of his problem and consider all those who would not only be disappointed at his conduct but equally those whose Christian growth and life would be terminated by this quest of his.

The proper wedding, if it would not affect his ministry can wait until you get pregnant.
In your 30s, I am not going tell you to submit to his love advances or not. This is because you are more than ripe and old enough to know what you want and how to manage your desires having done it before.

However, one thing stands out in a relationship that is this complex and has over-aged participants, it cannot be conducted like that involving young and impressionable couple. You have both seen life in all its colours and know what to drop to meet your immediate need and what to hold on to in terms of personal principle.

As for being sincere, it depends on who judges whom. Though jaundiced and appears subjective, he has at least the boldness to tell you what works for him. It goes beyond the sincerity to that of the needs of a middle-aged man who wants to be sure of the years he has left. Life’s lessons have taught him to look at life differently from the way he would have looked at it about two decades back.

That he is offering you marriage in addition to being the mother of his child is enough show of sincerity for him.

Since his offer has not offended you enough to quit the relationship or stop the flow of love you have for him, shows the relationship has one or two things going in its favour.

This is what you two should find out and hold on to jealously, to give your foundation a good frame as well as character to navigate it.

Issues like this require both of you to make the choice that suits your relationship and not what works in an ideal world or for others.

In addition, you both need to seek collectively and individually the face of God to be sure you were meant to be together since that is the only way all the other ingredients can finely mix together without lumps or lose bonds. Once God gives His consent, whatever the problems are would melt naturally away.

The essence of seeking the face of God is to prevent the greater calamity of having to live with monumental regrets after all the former years you have both waited to be happy.

Good luck.

Re: Before My Quick Orgasm Sends Her Packing


Dear Agatha,

I read your column often and would like to say you are doing a nice job. On May 11, 2009, your publication concerning a guy, scared of losing his woman to premature ejaculation fascinates me.

I would like to offer him the benefit of experience and assist him.

I am not a specialist or an expert, just a young guy of 23 years of age, who had similar problem and become knowledgeable on it from reading several articles on the issue. Would be glad if you can do this if it isn’t against your policy.

Jerry.


Dear Jerry,

I am glad at the news you are offering to share with this reader. I am sure he would get to you through your email once he reads this.


Dear Anxious Man,

If reading this, take advantage of the offer through this email address, jerrychi770@yahoo.com. No teacher like experience.

Good luck.