With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626
Dear Agatha,
My boyfriend is married, I love him all the same, but he is hurting me by also dating other women.
What can I do?
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
Stop denying the man’s wife the right to enjoy her marriage and man. If you are getting hurt on account of his relationships with other women, how do you think the wife feels by your own association with him? How do you think she feels when she wants her man, he isn’t there for her because he is with you? If you are feeling this bad as a girlfriend how would you feel if you were his wife, kill the women who are denying her of her rights as a wife and mother?
Do you realise that you are not only denying her time with her husband but also the resources he would have spent on the family as well? Can you fathom the kind of needless sacrifices that woman is making to make up for the time and money he uses to maintain you?
Have you ever sat down to wonder at the injury, pains, and aches you are causing this woman? In her shoes, how would you feel, pray for the woman who is making her work extra hard to maintain her home?
Now that you know what it feels to be betrayed by someone you are in love with, allow this man be. Sometimes, God allows things to happen to point us at the right things to do.
There is no way a man who is unfaithful to his wife will ever be faithful to a girlfriend. Whatever made him to go outside his marriage for fun are the same reasons he will continue to leave everywoman he has an affair with until he makes up his mind to be faithful to his vows.
This man isn’t in love with you that is why despite his many relationships he still goes back to the woman he is married to. He isn’t the one that is hurting you rather you are the one who has exposed yourself to being hurt by him. The fact that he is married, unavailable to you means you don’t have a joint future, should have cautioned you against taking whatever promises he is making to you serious.
Had he been single, your hurt would have been understandable, but he isn’t. So why waste time in a relationship that won’t add value to your life in the long run?
Before you get more hurt than you already are, take a walk away from it all. It would afford you the opportunity of meeting the real man for you. The more you hold on to him, the less your chances of becoming happy later in future and by the time you are ready to marry, the man you would have married would have become another woman’s husband.
This man has nothing to lose; rather you are the one who has more to lose if you continue with him. Men are hunters by nature and would always be excited by the sights of an available woman but it is the job of the woman to gate-keep her treasure to avoid disappointments, regrets and pains.
If you are unwilling to do it for yourself, do it for the sake of this woman whose marriage is at stake.
Good luck.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Hard to choose among three men seeking to marry me
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thanks a lot for the right advice you give to people. You are a lifesaver and I pray God will continue to bless you.
Please I need your advice concerning my relationship. I am young lady of 25 years of age. My major concern is how to know who would make the best husband among the three men asking for my hand in marriage? The second challenge is how to recognise true love as well as the qualities most important to look out for in a man.
Furthermore, is it appropriate for a lady to be the one visiting the guy without the guy reciprocating the visit on account of certain excuses?
Grace.
Dear Grace,
The realisation of who would make a good partner begins with your own discovery. Without this, it becomes almost impossible to recognise that extra-special thing in anyone coming for your hand in marriage or able to evaluate it in terms of long-term happiness. This is because what you don’t have, you cannot give.
If you don’t have a dream, an idea of the real substance that would give you the kind of strength to generate the right amount of determination, it goes without saying your search would be limited to those perishable qualities.
Before you can determine who is good for you, answer this question: how good are you to yourself? Have you been able to establish that important thing about yourself that would always give you happiness? Something any man coming into your life must help you hold on to if he desires the best of you?
At times, love isn’t all that matters when deciding on whom to spend the rest of one’s life with, other considerations go into it. A man may really be in love with his woman but lacks the right temperament to lead a home. Without the right kind of temperament, no matter how well a woman tries to deal with issues in her marriage, it soon becomes a struggle to stay with that kind of man.
A man’s temperament envelops the kind of patience, support, respect, understanding, and friendship he is willing to invest into making the marriage work. It also colours the way he would treat his wife both in private and public. A man that cannot handle his temperament is likely to act before he thinks, including beating the woman.
Jealousy is one of the products of love. Can you withstand a man who loves you but lacks the power of self-control? Can you stand the embarrassment of being questioned, suspected for doing nothing? Can you live with the fear of not knowing what to expect from your spouse if you have to work into the late hours? How long can you endure the insecurity of a jealous man? Can you stand a man who runs the home like a boss instead of a leader?
Here it isn’t love that is the issue but being able to manage all the emotions love incites in a man. The secret strength of every relationship is the ability of the man to manage all the emotions that make love wholesome.
Temperament is that inner quality that keeps giving marriage the precise radiance to stay fresh forever. Seasons come and go, but that which cannot be affected by the devastation of time is who we really are inside of us, the real person and not the colour we are or what we are. It is this quality that makes one person gloss over the failure or inability of others with sympathy and understanding while another person would choose to mock, insult or dehumanise that same person for the same slip.
This is that something extra-special you should look at in the men that are coming for your hand in marriage. By knowing what your limitations are as a person, it would be easy if you are truthful to yourself to come to an honest conclusion on which of these men can best manage that aspect of you successfully.
Often time, young girls make the mistake of limiting their search lights in their quests for husband to the frivolities: such things as the man’s appearance, his social status, financial standing or connections are not the things that count at the end of the day.
Out of all these men, whom can you count on the most, the one that is likely to make the important sacrifices for you? Who among them has the stamina to deal with that side of you that others cannot cope with? There is a side to every one of us even our parents find difficult to cope with.
And of the three, who knows the face behind the mask of make-ups, can look at the real you and not flinch? Can manufacture a joke or make you laugh when what all you feel is like bringing down the entire world?
Your answer is right before you as long as you are honest with yourself.
True love is selfless-living in the body of the other person. True love puts the interest of the other person first, considers how an action would affect the other person first before doing it is always willing to forgive and forget.
A man, who manufactures excuses not to reciprocate his girlfriend’s frequent visits to his home, is communicating his true feelings to the girl. Such a man prefers to allow his actions tell the story he is unwilling to say to the woman.
No matter how busy a man is, if interested in a woman, he will make time out of no time to visit her. The excuse of not having time is given by both men and women to discourage an unwanted interest in the opposite sex. It is the nature of men to devote time to a woman they want desperately in their lives.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thanks a lot for the right advice you give to people. You are a lifesaver and I pray God will continue to bless you.
Please I need your advice concerning my relationship. I am young lady of 25 years of age. My major concern is how to know who would make the best husband among the three men asking for my hand in marriage? The second challenge is how to recognise true love as well as the qualities most important to look out for in a man.
Furthermore, is it appropriate for a lady to be the one visiting the guy without the guy reciprocating the visit on account of certain excuses?
Grace.
Dear Grace,
The realisation of who would make a good partner begins with your own discovery. Without this, it becomes almost impossible to recognise that extra-special thing in anyone coming for your hand in marriage or able to evaluate it in terms of long-term happiness. This is because what you don’t have, you cannot give.
If you don’t have a dream, an idea of the real substance that would give you the kind of strength to generate the right amount of determination, it goes without saying your search would be limited to those perishable qualities.
Before you can determine who is good for you, answer this question: how good are you to yourself? Have you been able to establish that important thing about yourself that would always give you happiness? Something any man coming into your life must help you hold on to if he desires the best of you?
At times, love isn’t all that matters when deciding on whom to spend the rest of one’s life with, other considerations go into it. A man may really be in love with his woman but lacks the right temperament to lead a home. Without the right kind of temperament, no matter how well a woman tries to deal with issues in her marriage, it soon becomes a struggle to stay with that kind of man.
A man’s temperament envelops the kind of patience, support, respect, understanding, and friendship he is willing to invest into making the marriage work. It also colours the way he would treat his wife both in private and public. A man that cannot handle his temperament is likely to act before he thinks, including beating the woman.
Jealousy is one of the products of love. Can you withstand a man who loves you but lacks the power of self-control? Can you stand the embarrassment of being questioned, suspected for doing nothing? Can you live with the fear of not knowing what to expect from your spouse if you have to work into the late hours? How long can you endure the insecurity of a jealous man? Can you stand a man who runs the home like a boss instead of a leader?
Here it isn’t love that is the issue but being able to manage all the emotions love incites in a man. The secret strength of every relationship is the ability of the man to manage all the emotions that make love wholesome.
Temperament is that inner quality that keeps giving marriage the precise radiance to stay fresh forever. Seasons come and go, but that which cannot be affected by the devastation of time is who we really are inside of us, the real person and not the colour we are or what we are. It is this quality that makes one person gloss over the failure or inability of others with sympathy and understanding while another person would choose to mock, insult or dehumanise that same person for the same slip.
This is that something extra-special you should look at in the men that are coming for your hand in marriage. By knowing what your limitations are as a person, it would be easy if you are truthful to yourself to come to an honest conclusion on which of these men can best manage that aspect of you successfully.
Often time, young girls make the mistake of limiting their search lights in their quests for husband to the frivolities: such things as the man’s appearance, his social status, financial standing or connections are not the things that count at the end of the day.
Out of all these men, whom can you count on the most, the one that is likely to make the important sacrifices for you? Who among them has the stamina to deal with that side of you that others cannot cope with? There is a side to every one of us even our parents find difficult to cope with.
And of the three, who knows the face behind the mask of make-ups, can look at the real you and not flinch? Can manufacture a joke or make you laugh when what all you feel is like bringing down the entire world?
Your answer is right before you as long as you are honest with yourself.
True love is selfless-living in the body of the other person. True love puts the interest of the other person first, considers how an action would affect the other person first before doing it is always willing to forgive and forget.
A man, who manufactures excuses not to reciprocate his girlfriend’s frequent visits to his home, is communicating his true feelings to the girl. Such a man prefers to allow his actions tell the story he is unwilling to say to the woman.
No matter how busy a man is, if interested in a woman, he will make time out of no time to visit her. The excuse of not having time is given by both men and women to discourage an unwanted interest in the opposite sex. It is the nature of men to devote time to a woman they want desperately in their lives.
Good luck.
If he hears my stepdaughter is pregnant!
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
This is a very delicate issue for me to handle on my own because of its future implication. My step -daughter and I are very close. I married her father about seven years ago. Her mother died three years earlier.
Right from the first day I met her, we have been close. A lot of people think I am her mother and she actually addresses me as such. Through me, she has a brother and sister.
She very much plays the big sister role when she comes back on holiday and is forever on the phone discussing with them like her mates. I love her as my own.
There is nothing I don’t know about her. She tells me everything about her life. She isn’t as close to the father as she is to me because he is this strict kind. Even though she is in her 400-level in the university, he still treats her like a child. She also happens to be one of the most disciplined young ladies I know.
Recently, she came home to confide in me about her pregnancy. Her boyfriend, who graduated three years before her is employed. He was lucky to have been retained by the engineering company he served. His is a young man I happen to know very well because on the occasions when my husband is out of town, I always allow him to come and visit my daughter at home.
My husband is one of the most difficult men I have known. Once or twice, he has accused me of deliberately over indulging my stepdaughter so as to make her life worthless. He would end it by saying if she were my real daughter I wouldn’t be so encouraging of her ways.
This is the root of my problem. I love and respect my husband too much to be affected by what he says. When he is angry, he is capable of saying anything but once the storm is over, he is one of the most loving husbands I know. But, how do I tell him about her pregnancy without him throwing both of us out of the house?
There is no way I would ever support a child of mine to go through an abortion but I am fearful of what would become of me and her if the father ever finds out that she is pregnant and that I am in the know of who is responsible.
Three days ago, I tried to sound him about by asking him what he would do if his daughter comes home pregnant. Without waiting for me to finish asking him the question, he declared that he would not only ensure she removes the pregnancy but throw both of us out of his house.
How do I handle this? The poor girl, who is preparing for her final examinations, is fearful of the reaction of her father. I don’t want her to fail her examinations on account of the stubborn attitude of her father.
How do I handle this situation? This is the time I wish I were her real mother because nobody would accuse me of supporting her to destroy her life. It is unfortunate she got pregnant but I know it deep inside of me that she will be happy with her man.
Already the young man and his family have indicated interest in coming to discuss marriage with us. I have pleaded for time, about a month to enable me sort things out with the father.
Please help me make the right decision concerning this issue urgently.
Celine.
Dear Celine,
She has already placed you in the position of her mother, hence her confidence to come to you with the stories of everything happening in her life. You may not be her biological mother, but in the heart of this young woman, you are her mother.
As long as you know you are acting in the best interest of this young lady, refuse to be discouraged by the remarks or attitude of your husband who in this matter is entitled to his opinion.
The best way to get out of this is for you to stand your grounds by reminding him that as long as you are his wife, you are the mother of his daughter and that if he continues to ignore your role in the young lady’s life, he should not blame you if anything goes wrong.
The fact that you have refused to react to his comments concerning and questioning your role in this young girl’s life is the reason you are at this crossroad. He has to know that she has turned out to be a young responsible woman because you also took her as your daughter.
Honestly, the issue here isn’t so much of the pregnancy of the young lady, but that of you and your husband finding your equilibrium in your relationship. The absence of trust in your lives is what is on the top table and not the girl who is about to leave your nest to begin a life of her own.
It is either your husband learns to trust your judgement concerning his daughter or you act as the true mother the girl has positioned you to be. There are no two ways about it. If she were your biological child, what would you do? Would you just watch her struggle with a situation most girls her age would have long found a solution to?
Would you encourage her to abort the child to please the father or give her all the support she needs to write her final examination in peace while she plans for her wedding? This is the time she needs you the most, for you to play your role as only a true mother does.
The man in question is your husband. Don’t be afraid to approach him. Even if he threatens to throw you out, ask him what is most important to him, his daughter or his principle? You are a woman, his wife for that matter. You must know the key to making him submit to your wishes. Every woman who knows her onion has the master key to her husband’s heart; it is a matter of good timing as well as going the extra mile to make him understand the issues you want him to consider.
To help your daughter, it is important you find out why your husband is so difficult when it comes to issues affecting her. If you have never bothered to find out, this is the time to ask questions. No matter what his reasons are, let him understand that she is no longer a child. At 23, she has gone past the age of consent; more so, she is in her final year, and about to finish her university education, so what is the real issue? If she has avoided getting pregnant until now, there must be a reason, which is the angle you should push in your discussion with him.
Let him understand that apart from the child being his first grandchild, the young lady risks losing her life in the process as well. The thought of him losing her may make him change his mind.
What more, the man responsible for the pregnancy is determined to marry her, so what is the problem? It would have been a different thing and understandable of your fears if the man is denying paternity of the child or she is unable to point at any particular man.
It is also important he hears it from you before he notices the condition of his daughter or someone else points him at her condition. Encourage her to stay back in school until the issue is resolved by you. It would be so sad if you disappoint her by your fear of your husband.
If at the end of the day, if he insists, report him to his family members or a very close friend of his. Do anything to make him help his daughter achieve happiness in life.
Whatever happens, stand by your daughter. There is no way your husband would drive both of you away from his home. Besides, there is no sacrifice too much for a mother to make for her mother.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
This is a very delicate issue for me to handle on my own because of its future implication. My step -daughter and I are very close. I married her father about seven years ago. Her mother died three years earlier.
Right from the first day I met her, we have been close. A lot of people think I am her mother and she actually addresses me as such. Through me, she has a brother and sister.
She very much plays the big sister role when she comes back on holiday and is forever on the phone discussing with them like her mates. I love her as my own.
There is nothing I don’t know about her. She tells me everything about her life. She isn’t as close to the father as she is to me because he is this strict kind. Even though she is in her 400-level in the university, he still treats her like a child. She also happens to be one of the most disciplined young ladies I know.
Recently, she came home to confide in me about her pregnancy. Her boyfriend, who graduated three years before her is employed. He was lucky to have been retained by the engineering company he served. His is a young man I happen to know very well because on the occasions when my husband is out of town, I always allow him to come and visit my daughter at home.
My husband is one of the most difficult men I have known. Once or twice, he has accused me of deliberately over indulging my stepdaughter so as to make her life worthless. He would end it by saying if she were my real daughter I wouldn’t be so encouraging of her ways.
This is the root of my problem. I love and respect my husband too much to be affected by what he says. When he is angry, he is capable of saying anything but once the storm is over, he is one of the most loving husbands I know. But, how do I tell him about her pregnancy without him throwing both of us out of the house?
There is no way I would ever support a child of mine to go through an abortion but I am fearful of what would become of me and her if the father ever finds out that she is pregnant and that I am in the know of who is responsible.
Three days ago, I tried to sound him about by asking him what he would do if his daughter comes home pregnant. Without waiting for me to finish asking him the question, he declared that he would not only ensure she removes the pregnancy but throw both of us out of his house.
How do I handle this? The poor girl, who is preparing for her final examinations, is fearful of the reaction of her father. I don’t want her to fail her examinations on account of the stubborn attitude of her father.
How do I handle this situation? This is the time I wish I were her real mother because nobody would accuse me of supporting her to destroy her life. It is unfortunate she got pregnant but I know it deep inside of me that she will be happy with her man.
Already the young man and his family have indicated interest in coming to discuss marriage with us. I have pleaded for time, about a month to enable me sort things out with the father.
Please help me make the right decision concerning this issue urgently.
Celine.
Dear Celine,
She has already placed you in the position of her mother, hence her confidence to come to you with the stories of everything happening in her life. You may not be her biological mother, but in the heart of this young woman, you are her mother.
As long as you know you are acting in the best interest of this young lady, refuse to be discouraged by the remarks or attitude of your husband who in this matter is entitled to his opinion.
The best way to get out of this is for you to stand your grounds by reminding him that as long as you are his wife, you are the mother of his daughter and that if he continues to ignore your role in the young lady’s life, he should not blame you if anything goes wrong.
The fact that you have refused to react to his comments concerning and questioning your role in this young girl’s life is the reason you are at this crossroad. He has to know that she has turned out to be a young responsible woman because you also took her as your daughter.
Honestly, the issue here isn’t so much of the pregnancy of the young lady, but that of you and your husband finding your equilibrium in your relationship. The absence of trust in your lives is what is on the top table and not the girl who is about to leave your nest to begin a life of her own.
It is either your husband learns to trust your judgement concerning his daughter or you act as the true mother the girl has positioned you to be. There are no two ways about it. If she were your biological child, what would you do? Would you just watch her struggle with a situation most girls her age would have long found a solution to?
Would you encourage her to abort the child to please the father or give her all the support she needs to write her final examination in peace while she plans for her wedding? This is the time she needs you the most, for you to play your role as only a true mother does.
The man in question is your husband. Don’t be afraid to approach him. Even if he threatens to throw you out, ask him what is most important to him, his daughter or his principle? You are a woman, his wife for that matter. You must know the key to making him submit to your wishes. Every woman who knows her onion has the master key to her husband’s heart; it is a matter of good timing as well as going the extra mile to make him understand the issues you want him to consider.
To help your daughter, it is important you find out why your husband is so difficult when it comes to issues affecting her. If you have never bothered to find out, this is the time to ask questions. No matter what his reasons are, let him understand that she is no longer a child. At 23, she has gone past the age of consent; more so, she is in her final year, and about to finish her university education, so what is the real issue? If she has avoided getting pregnant until now, there must be a reason, which is the angle you should push in your discussion with him.
Let him understand that apart from the child being his first grandchild, the young lady risks losing her life in the process as well. The thought of him losing her may make him change his mind.
What more, the man responsible for the pregnancy is determined to marry her, so what is the problem? It would have been a different thing and understandable of your fears if the man is denying paternity of the child or she is unable to point at any particular man.
It is also important he hears it from you before he notices the condition of his daughter or someone else points him at her condition. Encourage her to stay back in school until the issue is resolved by you. It would be so sad if you disappoint her by your fear of your husband.
If at the end of the day, if he insists, report him to his family members or a very close friend of his. Do anything to make him help his daughter achieve happiness in life.
Whatever happens, stand by your daughter. There is no way your husband would drive both of you away from his home. Besides, there is no sacrifice too much for a mother to make for her mother.
Good luck.
My daughter’s best friend is my husband’s child
With Agatha Edo , gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please, don’t tell me to recognise or accept these children. Sometimes, I wonder if you live in the real world; if you have been hurt and betrayed by a man before. It’s amazing how you seem to have the right answers for every problem. If you have ever been hurt, you will know how it feels to be betrayed by the man you love.
I even don’t know why I am bothering myself writing to you in the first place because it is those things I don’t want to hear that you will say to me on this issue that is causing so much pain and anguish in my marriage.
Last week was my birthday and my last child came back from school to celebrate with me. She is in her second year in senior secondary school. She came with her best friend. I have met severally with her on account of her friendship with my daughter.
While in my house, she got an emergency call from home that her mother needed to see her. I was naturally worried about the nature of the call so I offered to drive her home. My husband came in just as we were driving out. I had to explain to him what happened.
He persuaded me against going with the young girl arguing that since it was my birthday, it would not be polite for me to leave home since I was expecting guests. I had no choice but to allow him take the little girl home.
Since I was monitoring the events on the phone, I knew her mother had died so I wasn’t really expecting my husband home early. From my daughter, I knew the young girl was the first of her mother and has a younger brother who is in his second year in junior secondary school.
Being a mother, I felt for them. I tried calling my husband to bring the children home if there was no one to care for them at home but his number wasn’t going through.
It was not until around 11p.m. that he came back home with the young girl and her brother. My husband and I have been married for close to 23 years, so I can tell when he is very bothered.
Initially I attributed his mood to his concern for the children but something kept telling me it was more than that when he became too involved in the burial arrangement of the children’s mother.
At the time, I didn’t bother or notice the ease in which the children addressed him as father. When I tried to question him about his level of involvement with the woman’s burial arrangement, he brushed me aside, saying he was doing it for the children who have nobody in the world to help them.
What would have been a major disagreement between us, I tried to ignore but didn’t go down well when he announced his decision to adopt those children as his own.
Knowing my husband as much as I do, that statement triggered an alarm bell deep inside me. There and then I decided that I would attend the burial rites of the girl’s mother against the wish of my husband who said it wasn’t necessary for me to be there.
Needless to say, my husband was the chief mourner; the widower of the late woman. It was at the burial the puzzle about the similarity between my last child and the children clicked. They all got their looks from my mother-in-law.
My husband’s younger brother and sisters all came for the funeral. I felt betrayed by all of them because I thought we had gotten over our differences. When they all saw me, they looked away and pretended that I wasn’t even there.
I don’t know what came over me when the children ran to me on sighting me. I remember pushing them away and warning them never to come near me again.
I came back home to meet his mother and other members of the family at first pleading with me to accept the children and now making a demand of it.
My husband’s reason for taking a second wife and ensuring she and my daughter were friends has to do with our stormy early years.
I know we went through hellish times back then but is that enough reason for him to betray me this way? What about the attitude of his mother and family? My best friend says I should not accept the children and to pack away from my home because she thinks my husband, from what has happened, is capable of harming me. I really agree with her. I am already making plans to leave him and his children.
I am really hurting.
Franca.
Dear Franca,
Contrary to what you think, I have been through hellish days too and know the kind of pains you are feeling. Only the dead don’t have challenges or issues to deal with anymore. As long as we have life in us, we would always have problems to contend with. I am who I am because I have a God that has never failed me or left me on my own to carry my load.
When an issue like yours comes up in a marriage, it helps to pray. Prayer is important to prevent you from making a mistake you will forever regret. Even if you decide to leave him, would it change the fact that he is your children’s father or erase the truth about the paternity of those children as well as their relationship to your children?
After 23 years of marriage, it is too late in the day to have regrets that would take you out of a place that has been your home all these years. If any of your older children brings this kind of problem to you, will you tell them to pack out of their homes? Will you encourage them not to accept those children who after all are innocent in this adult game? Should your son treat another woman this way, how would you feel if the woman abandons your son?
By now, you more than anyone should know that it takes the grace of God to make living with another person work. No matter how well you think you know someone; there will always be some areas, you will never fully understand about the person. This is one of those unknown zones your information and personal data of him cannot recognise.
He has committed the offence. There is no way he can undo this. The question now is, can you ever find it in your heart to forgive him, see those children who by fate are very close to your own child as part of you?
Don’t forget that they are already part of the family by virtue of involvement and support of your in-laws. If you fail to recognise them, it won’t change a thing but your refusal would have far reaching implications for your children in future. It is that future I want you to be mindful of.
No matter how much you feel like skinning your husband alive now, try as much as possible to factor in the dreams and feelings of these children now and later.
If it would be of help, you don’t have the patent for marital pains, betrayals and disappointment. Many women have worse tales to tell. After living with a man for 23 years, you should have learnt not to be surprised by anything he does. It is one of the ways a woman can survive a marriage. Whether you like it or not, the society has made it their world. Had the shoes been reversed, you will be facing mass condemnation now.
What you should do is to take stock of the past. I am sure a lesson has been learnt by you from all these. And the best way to avoid making them all over again, is to accept those children as your own. I have this feeling that it would erase whatever it is that happened in the past.
We are all students of the school of life. It couldn’t have been by accident that everybody in his family is in support of the other woman. If you are honest, your conduct in the past has to do with this situation.
Ignore your friend. She doesn’t mean well.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please, don’t tell me to recognise or accept these children. Sometimes, I wonder if you live in the real world; if you have been hurt and betrayed by a man before. It’s amazing how you seem to have the right answers for every problem. If you have ever been hurt, you will know how it feels to be betrayed by the man you love.
I even don’t know why I am bothering myself writing to you in the first place because it is those things I don’t want to hear that you will say to me on this issue that is causing so much pain and anguish in my marriage.
Last week was my birthday and my last child came back from school to celebrate with me. She is in her second year in senior secondary school. She came with her best friend. I have met severally with her on account of her friendship with my daughter.
While in my house, she got an emergency call from home that her mother needed to see her. I was naturally worried about the nature of the call so I offered to drive her home. My husband came in just as we were driving out. I had to explain to him what happened.
He persuaded me against going with the young girl arguing that since it was my birthday, it would not be polite for me to leave home since I was expecting guests. I had no choice but to allow him take the little girl home.
Since I was monitoring the events on the phone, I knew her mother had died so I wasn’t really expecting my husband home early. From my daughter, I knew the young girl was the first of her mother and has a younger brother who is in his second year in junior secondary school.
Being a mother, I felt for them. I tried calling my husband to bring the children home if there was no one to care for them at home but his number wasn’t going through.
It was not until around 11p.m. that he came back home with the young girl and her brother. My husband and I have been married for close to 23 years, so I can tell when he is very bothered.
Initially I attributed his mood to his concern for the children but something kept telling me it was more than that when he became too involved in the burial arrangement of the children’s mother.
At the time, I didn’t bother or notice the ease in which the children addressed him as father. When I tried to question him about his level of involvement with the woman’s burial arrangement, he brushed me aside, saying he was doing it for the children who have nobody in the world to help them.
What would have been a major disagreement between us, I tried to ignore but didn’t go down well when he announced his decision to adopt those children as his own.
Knowing my husband as much as I do, that statement triggered an alarm bell deep inside me. There and then I decided that I would attend the burial rites of the girl’s mother against the wish of my husband who said it wasn’t necessary for me to be there.
Needless to say, my husband was the chief mourner; the widower of the late woman. It was at the burial the puzzle about the similarity between my last child and the children clicked. They all got their looks from my mother-in-law.
My husband’s younger brother and sisters all came for the funeral. I felt betrayed by all of them because I thought we had gotten over our differences. When they all saw me, they looked away and pretended that I wasn’t even there.
I don’t know what came over me when the children ran to me on sighting me. I remember pushing them away and warning them never to come near me again.
I came back home to meet his mother and other members of the family at first pleading with me to accept the children and now making a demand of it.
My husband’s reason for taking a second wife and ensuring she and my daughter were friends has to do with our stormy early years.
I know we went through hellish times back then but is that enough reason for him to betray me this way? What about the attitude of his mother and family? My best friend says I should not accept the children and to pack away from my home because she thinks my husband, from what has happened, is capable of harming me. I really agree with her. I am already making plans to leave him and his children.
I am really hurting.
Franca.
Dear Franca,
Contrary to what you think, I have been through hellish days too and know the kind of pains you are feeling. Only the dead don’t have challenges or issues to deal with anymore. As long as we have life in us, we would always have problems to contend with. I am who I am because I have a God that has never failed me or left me on my own to carry my load.
When an issue like yours comes up in a marriage, it helps to pray. Prayer is important to prevent you from making a mistake you will forever regret. Even if you decide to leave him, would it change the fact that he is your children’s father or erase the truth about the paternity of those children as well as their relationship to your children?
After 23 years of marriage, it is too late in the day to have regrets that would take you out of a place that has been your home all these years. If any of your older children brings this kind of problem to you, will you tell them to pack out of their homes? Will you encourage them not to accept those children who after all are innocent in this adult game? Should your son treat another woman this way, how would you feel if the woman abandons your son?
By now, you more than anyone should know that it takes the grace of God to make living with another person work. No matter how well you think you know someone; there will always be some areas, you will never fully understand about the person. This is one of those unknown zones your information and personal data of him cannot recognise.
He has committed the offence. There is no way he can undo this. The question now is, can you ever find it in your heart to forgive him, see those children who by fate are very close to your own child as part of you?
Don’t forget that they are already part of the family by virtue of involvement and support of your in-laws. If you fail to recognise them, it won’t change a thing but your refusal would have far reaching implications for your children in future. It is that future I want you to be mindful of.
No matter how much you feel like skinning your husband alive now, try as much as possible to factor in the dreams and feelings of these children now and later.
If it would be of help, you don’t have the patent for marital pains, betrayals and disappointment. Many women have worse tales to tell. After living with a man for 23 years, you should have learnt not to be surprised by anything he does. It is one of the ways a woman can survive a marriage. Whether you like it or not, the society has made it their world. Had the shoes been reversed, you will be facing mass condemnation now.
What you should do is to take stock of the past. I am sure a lesson has been learnt by you from all these. And the best way to avoid making them all over again, is to accept those children as your own. I have this feeling that it would erase whatever it is that happened in the past.
We are all students of the school of life. It couldn’t have been by accident that everybody in his family is in support of the other woman. If you are honest, your conduct in the past has to do with this situation.
Ignore your friend. She doesn’t mean well.
Good luck.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
