Dear Agatha,
I am 24 and in a relationship that is heading for marriage. But there is this problem I have with the man in question. He is very miserly; he doesn’t spend money on me. I don’t know if it has anything to do with the nature of his job but even when he has, he gives me so little.
I don’t know why he keeps telling me that he refuses to give me enough money because I am extravagant. He doesn’t trust me despite my telling him everything about my past from the beginning. At least my story didn’t stop him from bringing drinks to see and request of my parents for my hand in marriage. So, why doesn’t he trust me?
Although he recently told me his confidence in me is building up but I don’t think it is fair. He is a lot older than I am. His sister is of the opinion that he is scared of responsibility.
Honestly, I have nothing against him and I am really okay with him because meeting him really helped me in stopping most of the things I used to do while still in school.
A lot of my friends say he is madly in love with me but I sometimes doubt it. He is of the opinion that I lie a lot but I know I have chosen never to lie again to help the relationship work. It hurts because even when I am telling the truth he still thinks I am lying. Something tells me he knows I have changed but simply chooses not to advertise it in my presence.
Worried Fiancée.
Dear Worried Fiancée,
It is obvious both of you still have a lot of things to iron out before you tie the knot.
Being the woman, you must learn to live within the means he provides for you else you risk drowning the thin line of trust that exists between you two.
Despite telling him you have changed, depending on the extent you went before meeting him, it would take more efforts on your part to completely clear the image he has of you or people around him have. Don’t forget, it is not just about him but about all those other people who have had one or two things to do with you in the past.
That he appears distrustful of you doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or trust you. It could simply be a case of being cautious primarily instigated by fear that you might hurt him.
It is the inordinate survival instinct in everyone of us. It makes us struggle relentlessly against the evidences of our eyes. For now, his attitude is heavily under the influence of what his heart wants to accept and the voice of caution from his past knowledge of you.
It would take time for the war of his heart to win hence you must be willing to exercise patience, tolerance and understanding else if you fail to help him understand the new you, you risk losing his complete trust.
Bear in mind that some certain lifestyles are believed to be difficult to change from. Having lived a lifestyle of carelessness or given him some false starts in the beginning, you would have to excuse his behaviour for now.
It takes a man who cares to do the impossible. He must really love you so much to have taken the risk of going to your parents with the type of image you claim to have had. Give him time to build his trust as well as for you to earn it.
Nagging him over money won’t help at all. Learn to accept whatever he gives you; it could be his way of accessing the change really going on in your life. Also, it could be his way of instilling some financial discipline in your life. Having made up his mind to spend the rest of his life with you, he feels an obligation to impact some of his values into you.
To him, you are no just any woman anymore but for both of you to have a life together, he feels it is his responsibility to give you some lessons in life, which could be not getting everything you request from life. Before you met him, you got what you wanted without caring what you gave in return. There is a world of difference between being a girlfriend and a wife. Men most times don’t care the character a girlfriend they have no interest in marrying put up. All they are interested in from such women is fun but it is a different ball game when it comes to the woman they want to spend the rest of their lives with.
More often than not, men are more meticulous than women when it comes to details about the woman they want to share their space with. Money isn’t everything. If you are unable to manage the little he gives you now, how do you propose to convince him you would be able to manage difficult times with him when you get married? How do you seek to tell him that you have the qualities to be a good wife?
Marriage is full of uncertainties. It is a wild field where anything, both good and bad could happen. It pays to adopt the motto of the boy’s scout to be prepared always. Marriage strives on sacrifices and unconditional support. Even if you suspect his playing pranks with you by refusing to give you enough money, give him your support if you truly love him.
By so doing, you earn his trust, friendship as well as loyalty. Once you both are able to work this into your relationship at this nascent stage, it helps solve a lot of confusions as well as complications later in life.
Sincerely, it is in your interest you earn his absolute trust now because some people from your past you may have hurt emotionally may want to foment trouble for you once the knowledge of your marriage plans become public. The major target would be your man. They would tell him things just to discredit and make him change his mind about marrying you. While you have acted wisely by exposing your entire past to him, it isn’t enough. You must follow such honesty with both transparency as well as determination to make this relationship work against the expectation of all those who are expecting you to derail.
Truthfully, he is the one that has taken the most risk in this relationship so don’t discourage him by making demands you know are out of place.
Don’t forget that apart from the love he is investing in this relationship, he is also investing his pride as well as the friendship of some close friends who may have warned him against the wisdom of dating you. If you fail him, it would go beyond you; it would affect the way he treats all the other women who come after you.
Your role as his would-be wife is to help him manage his life, including his finances. It is not to encourage him to spend unwisely. If your friends are of the opinion that he is really in love with you, why not help yourself making your dream come true with this man by deploying wisdom into anything you do with him. There is nothing that comes easy in life without preparation.
Refusing to praise the changes in you is not out of recognition of your efforts but an attempt not to make you rest on your oars.
With plenty of prayers, you can make this work so be very prayerful.
Good luck.
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