Re: Caught my hubby pants down with his best friend

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Readers, This is one story I want to share with you all. It brought tears to my eyes, but at the end of the day it has added to my experience and my hope that the marriage institution will survive the numerous problems it is facing in our contemporary world. Dear Idowu, First I want to appreciate the wisdom Agatha used in handling your issue. Having been married for over 40 years, I find her reasoning well grounded and matured. It is just your best option, and one that would pay you well at the end of the day. I can imagine some of your friends telling you to ignore whatever our dear Aunty Agatha has told you to do, but as you grow in age and experience, you will come to discover that there is nothing new under the sun. Someone has gone through your kind of experience before. What you are going through is some one’s repackaged problem. Although I am not supposed to say this, but I have with the permission of my wife to share my story with readers of this column with the hope that it will help teach young couples one or two things about the strangeness of the marriage institution. I tell this story not to demean my wife, but to give hope to any couple having one or two challenges in their marriages. By November this year, I will be 70 years of age, while my wife was 66 in March. We are blessed with four children out of who two are not mine. She was a nurse when we got married. I studied Civil Engineering. In those days, I was always away at different construction sites. I actually met her a virgin, so didn’t ever considered the fact that she might have any reason to stray. Unfortunately, while I was busy working to ensure a future for the family, she had other thoughts. After the birth of our first child, I was missing her and the baby so I told her to move down to Kaduna so we could be together. She declined insisting she preferred to stay in Lagos. Unknown to me she was having an affair with one of the doctors. This man actually fathered our set of twins. People noticed, told me, and when I came back unexpectedly, caught them on my bed. It was devastating, but when I considered the little tricks I have also been up to in my base, I decided to ignore her mistake. It was painful and humiliating for me, but I didn’t want to expose her to the wrath and mockery of family members and friends. As if that wasn’t enough, I discovered that she was to abort a pregnancy. Since it went against everything I believed in, I stopped her from doing anything to the pregnancy even though I knew it wasn’t mine. Where I got the emotional strength from, I don’t know, but somehow I managed to bury my pains to help her cope with the predicament of being pregnant for another man while still married to me. One or two persons within my family who suspected the pregnancy wasn’t mine tried, in several ways, to alert me to the possibility of my not being responsible for her pregnancy. I shut all of them up, telling them that I trusted the woman I married. Out of fear, my wife told her mother who in turn came to see me over the matter. It was at that point I became very angry with her. I told my wife she should never disclose to anyone whatever was happening in our home. I assured her mother that the pregnancy was mine. As a wise woman, she prayed and blessed me. Years later, I learnt she called her daughter aside for some serious talks. From that point, a lot of things changed in my home. My wife who until that incident was very stubborn became submissive. She became the ideal wife overnight, my interest overriding hers. Without anymore prompting from me, she packed her things and went with me to Kaduna. And was ready to go anywhere with me if I didn’t insist she stayed back when work took me to the East. Today, the twins are my joy: very intelligent and friendly. My wife dots on me like a baby. There is nothing she won’t give me, so much so the children joke about her devotion to me. I have lived to be this age because of her. Once I suffered from stroke, which left me incapable of movement. She was there full time by my side. I recovered because she didn’t leave me or made me feel like a burden. One friend of mine who had similar problem died, because the wife couldn’t withstand the burden of changing him or cleaning him when he slips on the bed. The decision I made then to forgive her mistake is today my joy. Therefore, Idowu, the sacrifices we make today are like our collaterals for tomorrow. If I had disgraced my wife, disowned the pregnancy, who would have cared for me when I needed attention the most? My first son is today a medical doctor based in the United States. He is doing very well, the twins too are there doing better. If I sneeze they catch the cold and are closer to me than their mother. Being girls, I am their idol. I get three times what they give their mother. They and their husbands don’t allow me to spend my money on anything. Doubtless decisions, as Agatha has asked you to consider, are usually painful. Then I often wondered at my sanity, especially when I have to bring out money to pay their fees or when they call me daddy when I am in my very bad moods. Looking back now, no woman would have been able to give me the kind of happiness my wife is giving me. It appears as if God used that incident to guarantee me a life of surplus happiness. Not only I have recovered fully from the stroke, I have a clean bill of health. Give your husband the chance to change his way. The fact that you caught him didn’t expose him, and still willing to continue with him in the marriage will make change. Idowu, the God we serve sometimes puts our solutions in our pains. Listen to the good counsel of Agatha. There is no limit to forgiveness because life is a broken piece of furniture. We will always get bruised by its sharp ends. The idea about life is looking for happiness and peace where thorns abound. Wipe away your tears and give your husband the strength to recover from this shame. Alfred.

Re: Caught my hubby pants down with his best friend

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I disagree with your suggestions that Idowu should continue with her marriage. The man is an abomination to mankind. Besides, he is a pastor. Staying with him, you would be encouraging him to pass his curse to members of his congregation. What if he begins to date another man in his church or encourage homosexuality in the church? God allowed you to find out so that you can expose this evil man. Nobody would blame you if you leave him on account of what you discovered. The Bible is clear. He is not only cheating on you but also doing it with a man, which is worse than fornication. Your children too will be cursed if you don’t allow the world know that he is a pretender, a fake pastor. The first thing you should do is to report him to the church so he can be removed from his position. Follow this by filing for a divorce. When the children are old enough, tell them the truth about their father. It will help your children know the kind of father they have. People like him don’t change; instead they find ways of enticing others into their kind of lifestyle. This is why I pity you. Don’t rule out resistance from his friend. He will fight to keep his lover. Just pack your things and leave. God will help you care for the children. After this experience what do you need a man for in your life? Don’t worry God will take charge of you. Eliza.

I’m confused about her commitment to me

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I met this lady in December, last year. I live in Port Harcourt while she stays in Enugu. But the distance has not stopped our daily communication. Except for some days when I am really pressed for time or have difficulties connecting with her; since December last year, I have done my best to call her everyday. She knows how much I care for her and has confessed to me that my calls have made it impossible for her not to think of me. Through our daily talks, there is no member of her immediate family that I haven’t spoken with. In addition there is nothing I don’t know about her or she, about me for that matter. But I am currently confused. Unlike when we just started, she no longer calls as frequently as she used to. In the early days, there was no day she didn’t give me a beep especially when she thought I was late in calling her for the day. The story is now reversed. If I don’t call her, she won’t bother. Recently, I put her to test by refusing to call her for three days. To my surprise she also didn’t. She simply didn’t care to find out the reason I didn’t call her. I’ve proposed to her and she has accepted, yet for more than three months now, I’ve not received a beep or even a call from her. I want to marry her, does she love me? Help! Samuel. Dear Samuel, It takes two to tango very well. There is nothing you can do if she isn’t ready to go with you anymore. From her attitude, something is undeniably wrong somewhere. Since both of you are living within driving distance from each other, why not take time off to see her at her base? Frankly there is no way your relationship can grow any further from this stage unless you both take the necessary step to help it move on. This is because there is a limit speaking to each other can go. You may both tell each other everything you think the other should know, but it is still too informal. It takes more than telephone conversations to make a marriage work. To a very large extent you are both still complete strangers to each other, figments of each other’s imagination. The personal touch we invest in relationships is what, at the end of the day, determines its workability. What a regular telephone conversation does is to help build on what is available. Since meeting each other in December, how much time have you spent together, getting to match your ideas about each other with your true persons? Ideas admittedly drive a relationship but character gives a relationship spice, flavour and passion. There is no relationship without the character of the couple coming into play. A certain amount of sacrifice is also needed to make it work. There is no way you can both move on if neither of you is ready to make that vital sacrifice needed to grow the relationship. As the man, take time out to see her, spend some time with her. No matter how many times you declare your love for her over the phone, a woman needs more assurances than hearing it on the phone. If you were outside the country, it would have been understandable, but the two of you are in the country which makes your absolute dependence on the phone unrealistic. Besides, at this early stage, other people are also involved in the success or otherwise of a relationship. This is because you are both still strangers to each other. Her friends and family members would naturally ask why you are finding it difficult to even pay her a visit, raising the suspicions that you may be married or engaged in a serious relationship. Others would wonder at the rationale of her accepting to marry a man who even though calls everyday remains a complete stranger to her. Because there is nothing solid yet between the two of you, such remarks has a way of bringing up hidden fears of the unknown. This is why you must go to her to explain and reassure her of your love as well as intentions to marry her if she will have you. Use the time to get to know her; sometimes what we think we know may turn out to be mere fallacy. As a matter of fact, both of you must make out time to know the human beings behind the mask you both wear. I ask, how much of this woman you intend to spend the rest of your life with, do you know? Beyond what she tells you about herself, can you defend her person if she gets into some kind of trouble? Sincerely, will you be able to stick out your neck for her under circumstances that appear questionable? It is even more for your sake that you should make out time to study the woman who is to become the mother of your children at close range. It is only after you have seen her and talked to her that you can make up your mind about her. But you must give her room to explain her strange behaviour as well as her reason for her apparent indifference to your presence in her life. Good luck.

I’m confused about her commitment to me

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I met this lady in December, last year. I live in Port Harcourt while she stays in Enugu. But the distance has not stopped our daily communication. Except for some days when I am really pressed for time or have difficulties connecting with her; since December last year, I have done my best to call her everyday. She knows how much I care for her and has confessed to me that my calls have made it impossible for her not to think of me. Through our daily talks, there is no member of her immediate family that I haven’t spoken with. In addition there is nothing I don’t know about her or she, about me for that matter. But I am currently confused. Unlike when we just started, she no longer calls as frequently as she used to. In the early days, there was no day she didn’t give me a beep especially when she thought I was late in calling her for the day. The story is now reversed. If I don’t call her, she won’t bother. Recently, I put her to test by refusing to call her for three days. To my surprise she also didn’t. She simply didn’t care to find out the reason I didn’t call her. I’ve proposed to her and she has accepted, yet for more than three months now, I’ve not received a beep or even a call from her. I want to marry her, does she love me? Help! Samuel. Dear Samuel, It takes two to tango very well. There is nothing you can do if she isn’t ready to go with you anymore. From her attitude, something is undeniably wrong somewhere. Since both of you are living within driving distance from each other, why not take time off to see her at her base? Frankly there is no way your relationship can grow any further from this stage unless you both take the necessary step to help it move on. This is because there is a limit speaking to each other can go. You may both tell each other everything you think the other should know, but it is still too informal. It takes more than telephone conversations to make a marriage work. To a very large extent you are both still complete strangers to each other, figments of each other’s imagination. The personal touch we invest in relationships is what, at the end of the day, determines its workability. What a regular telephone conversation does is to help build on what is available. Since meeting each other in December, how much time have you spent together, getting to match your ideas about each other with your true persons? Ideas admittedly drive a relationship but character gives a relationship spice, flavour and passion. There is no relationship without the character of the couple coming into play. A certain amount of sacrifice is also needed to make it work. There is no way you can both move on if neither of you is ready to make that vital sacrifice needed to grow the relationship. As the man, take time out to see her, spend some time with her. No matter how many times you declare your love for her over the phone, a woman needs more assurances than hearing it on the phone. If you were outside the country, it would have been understandable, but the two of you are in the country which makes your absolute dependence on the phone unrealistic. Besides, at this early stage, other people are also involved in the success or otherwise of a relationship. This is because you are both still strangers to each other. Her friends and family members would naturally ask why you are finding it difficult to even pay her a visit, raising the suspicions that you may be married or engaged in a serious relationship. Others would wonder at the rationale of her accepting to marry a man who even though calls everyday remains a complete stranger to her. Because there is nothing solid yet between the two of you, such remarks has a way of bringing up hidden fears of the unknown. This is why you must go to her to explain and reassure her of your love as well as intentions to marry her if she will have you. Use the time to get to know her; sometimes what we think we know may turn out to be mere fallacy. As a matter of fact, both of you must make out time to know the human beings behind the mask you both wear. I ask, how much of this woman you intend to spend the rest of your life with, do you know? Beyond what she tells you about herself, can you defend her person if she gets into some kind of trouble? Sincerely, will you be able to stick out your neck for her under circumstances that appear questionable? It is even more for your sake that you should make out time to study the woman who is to become the mother of your children at close range. It is only after you have seen her and talked to her that you can make up your mind about her. But you must give her room to explain her strange behaviour as well as her reason for her apparent indifference to your presence in her life. Good luck.

I need help with sexual intimacy

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, What is the difference between sex and love-making? I am confused. I have read what you’ve written on the topic but I am still confused. I want to be able to make my husband happy. I don’t want him going outside our home for any fun. Please be my sex teacher. Alero. Dear Alero, There is a world of difference between sex and lovemaking. Anybody can have sex but only few people know the magic behind lovemaking. Just as it is true that not every couple know what lovemaking is. Sex is like glancing through a book while lovemaking is reading through a book and paying attention to the last details. Our interpretation of the act is what makes one stop at sex and another at lovemaking. Often times, men and women think once a man can be intimate with a woman, it makes him an expert in the act of intimacy whereas, it takes more than the actual act to make it a memorable experience. If you want to make the difference in your marriage, give freedom to your imagination to run wild. And for a woman who wants to give her husband the best, don’t pretend or be shy in telling him what you want to do as well as what you want from him. Often times, women shy away from the idea of appearing too exposed when it comes to the issue of sex. If only women realise that once in the bedroom with a man, there is no morality. A woman who seeks to keep her man in line and doesn’t want another woman taking her place must be willing to give him the full benefit of being married. Being prim and proper isn’t for the bedroom; she should be a mix of naughty and mischievous. She should be daring and bold in getting what she wants from her man. As a married woman, you must come to the full realisation that you don’t have any apologies to offer to anybody for being one. You must explore every avenue your gender, age and position as a wife provides for you to explore the mystery of sex. Perish the Sunday School teaching about sex being for procreation. It is more than that! It is both a recreational and bonding tool. It is also a weapon a wise woman uses in reminding her man where the real power in a marriage is. It is a weapon a woman should use in bringing her man to his knees whenever he strays. Women who fight over their men don’t know the power they have through love-making. So from this early stage in your marriage, make up your mind to be wild and experiment when in the bedroom with your husband. Give him something to always take away with him when going out or traveling as well as something to look forward to. Keep him guessing what the menu will be for the day. This way, he cannot predict if he is coming home to a normal session or a wild one. Don’t forget that you have been licensed to do whatever you want with him in the bedroom. Be his commercial sex worker; do what you think would make it impossible for him to look anywhere. You should do this through detailed exploration of his body, make his entire body, from his scalp to the sole of his feet your canvass. From his response you will know when you have hit target. Store the information in your memory for future use. Such knowledge is always handy when there is a disagreement in the home front. It helps, in a naughty way, to resolve issues that would have taken longer to settle. A word of warning though; good sex go hand in hand with respect. A woman maybe the best in bed but without respect for her husband, she will not enjoy her marriage. Good luck.

Friends cash in on frosty relationship to win my love

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Agatha, I appreciate your help on relationships. Thanks a million for all your help. Please what do I do with my friends who go after my girlfriend asking her to use the opportunity of our misunderstanding to them? The guys going after my girlfriend are all aware that we have been dating for period of four years. She told me everything my friends did and said when we made up. Please advise me on what to do to these guys. Disappointed Friend. Dear Disappointed Friend, Welcome to the true nature of life. Life is like a jungle, where you have to constantly watch your back for predators. Rather, than get angry with what your friends did, be happy that they did it because it has helped you appreciate who your true friends are. If this incident didn’t happen, you will still be under illusion that you have dependable friends, people you can count on to in times of trouble. That they did what they did is an important lesson on knowing who to trust or not. Such friends come into one’s life to remind us to depend more on God than human beings. Now that you know the kind of friends that they are, be wise on how to relate with them. Learn to be stingy with the information you give out about yourself and relationship. Also, use the time you both have to cultivate the attitude of resolving your challenges between yourselves. Your friends’ attempt to come between both of you because they realised the weak chain in your relationship; which unfortunately, you are the one. Whatever information your friends thought they could use in discrediting you where your girlfriend is concerned were got from you. It isn’t everything happening in your relationship that you or your girlfriend should tell friends. The secret of every relationship lies in the ability of the couple to settle their differences privately. It also goes to show that your friends are envious of your relationship; a good reason for you as the man to depend more in your judgment. That your friend said all those things about you underscores the carelessness in which you talk. You are lucky that your woman is disciplined else, you would have lost everything. However, this incident puts your person on the stage. What kind of friend are you? if all your friends were determined to ruin your relationship of four years, then something is really wrong too with your own person. Sometimes friends are a reflection of who we are. What kinds of friend are you to other people? Can they trust you with their women or situation? Look back to the past for explanations on what could have informed your friends’ behaviour as well as their desire to see you get hurt. Can you remember what it is? Going down memory lane will help you know how to proceed with such friends. As a matter of fact, making attempts to fight them would be giving them a reason to say they got to you. Pretend you aren’t aware of what they tried to do to you and your relationship. When around them, cuddle your woman the more, allowing them to witness the kind of deep understanding you both have been able to build over the years. There is no sweeter revenge seeing that rather than succeed in destroying you, they have only succeeded in bringing you both together. It will also help shape you into a better person. Good luck. Library on Agatha’s writings Dear Agatha, I can conveniently say that since 2008 till date that I have never missed reading your column. I have built a library of your columns. What I do is to remove your pages and pack separately so those who make use of newspapers for other things don’t use your page for those things. As a result it is easy for me to pick up one of your columns and re-read any time I feel like or the need arises. I should have reached you in person if I am in Lagos but one day I must surely visit Lagos and come to you. God must surely bless you for the wonderful work you are doing because you have settled a lot of issues that should have set some families apart. Please I need some good friends to chat as well as share ideas with. Would be happy if people contact me through this e-mail address; nwakaigwe@yahoo.com. I am lady, 39 years old, and working in a private company. Chidera.

My ex-boyfriend ruined my life

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Agatha, As a young secondary school girl in JSS 2 then, I had an abortion. It was crudely done by the man responsible for my pregnancy who was a first year medical student. I was very naïve then so didn’t know the implication of all the blood I lost or the gravity of what I had done. Since I grew up with my stepmother who didn’t care, I was able to deceive the family about the nature of my ill health. Over the years, I have been in and out of relationships, not getting pregnant once. Honestly, I didn’t think anything was wrong; didn’t even give any thought to it. Three years ago, I got very lucky as I met this man who didn’t listen to what anyone said about my lifestyle. Within months of our meeting, he proposed marriage. It’s been three years after our wedding and I am yet to get pregnant. Initially, he didn’t think it was necessary for us to go for medical examinations. He later changed his mind about going for medical tests when the pressure on him from his family members, particularly his parents, became too much. Ironically, the hospital we were eventually referred to is owned by my ex-boyfriend, the one I got pregnant for and who aborted the pregnancy in his first year at the medical school. The various results of my examinations revealed the abortion I had then damaged my womb beyond remedy. While my husband is accusing me on one hand of deceiving him, insisting I knew I had no womb, the man responsible for my condition says I don’t have proof that he did it. I really want to take legal actions against him because he knew he wasn’t qualified then to perform such a task. He damaged my womb but he is now one of the best in his profession. To crown it all, he is married with a family while I don’t have any child. I am very bitter and won’t rest until I extract my own pound of flesh as my husband and his family members appear determined to throw me out. How my in-laws got through to my husband, I don’t know. But he has completely bought their idea that I lived a very irresponsible life whereas, his response used to be whatever I did before we met wasn’t important. My life is in a complete mess; I just don’t know where to start. I don’t have a mother to turn to as my stepmother and her children have been waiting for my downfall. Everything is so frustrating and confusing for me. How do I go about putting all the tiny pieces of my life together? If my husband finally throws me out, there is nobody I know, I can turn to. How do I tell him the doctor he took me to was responsible for my condition? Will telling him the incident that happened when I was in JSS 2 not make him wonder what kind of life I really led? Will giving him permission to marry another woman make a difference since I can’t give him a child? Help me. Confused Woman. Dear Confused Woman, Learn to take a step at a time. No matter how intense the challenges are, patience can wear them out. Your husband hasn’t come out to ask you to go. He has only expressed a disappointment at the condition of your womb. A man who didn’t listen to public opinion about you before marrying you isn’t likely to throw you out from his home or life. However, if he is tilting towards the opinion of his people, then it shows that you haven’t done so much to endear yourself to him. This perhaps is the reason he seems to be bowing to the pressure of his family members. That he hasn’t come out to say he no longer has interest in the marriage gives you time to make amends. To be truthful, his reaction is normal. There is no man who hears his wife has a damaged womb and remain happy. If he is angry, try to understand his reason because nothing you told him prepared him for this. One thing is to have problems with child bearing another thing is to be told that the condition isn’t natural but a man-made circumstance. It is wise not to get angry or feel bad at this point in time. What is required is absolute wisdom to get past this problem in your marriage. Do everything within your powers to explain your situation to him. Let him know that you didn’t know the gravity of what you did so many years ago when you were still in secondary school. Yes, he may wonder at the level of your experiences after listening to your story, it is best you tell him everything at this point to avoid this kind of situation in your marriage in future. Had you told him at the beginning of your courtship the kind of life you lived, every major thing that happened, he would have known how to protect you from his family members. His anger may not be the news that your womb has been damaged but that you didn’t think it was important to inform him about the state of your womb when you met. For a man who obviously has a mind of his own, your action left him defenseless and opened him to the mockery of his family and friends who warned him against marrying you. Finding oneself in a situation where all those you have told to mind their business before now turn around to say, “I told you so,” can be very humiliating. This is why you must tread with care. At this point, nothing you tell him will shock him. Your husband has feelings for you but isn’t finding the situation your lack of trust in his judgment is causing both of you. Therefore calm down and make yourself indispensable in his life. Be everything a good wife should be, patient, meek and tolerant. You won’t win this battle by fighting anybody. Allow him to make the decision of whether he wants to marry another woman or not. Don’t be the one to propose it even if deep down you consider one of the sacrifices you want to make for him to be happy. The disadvantage of being the one to suggest it lies in the kind of person the woman would turn out to be. Don’t embark on a mission that people will hold you to when the situation becomes nasty. You have made a fatal mistake; don’t make another one in your bid to correct the earlier one. On the issue of telling him about the doctor and his role in your present situation, you can. While it will at least make him understand some of the issues you are trying to explain to him; however, the danger is that the doctor may deny you. This is because he knows the implication of accepting your accusation on his medical practice. It will be your words against his. Unfortunately, you don’t have the kind of reputation that can carry your story through. He could capitalise on your situation to rubbish your story. Some secrets are meant to go into the grave with one. Your marriage is still standing on a very thin thread to burden it with this one. Hand the doctor over to God. Besides, both of you share in the blame. As for your stepmother, she isn’t your God. Don’t pay any attention to her. Even if your husband tells you to leave his home, it won’t be the end of you as long as you have God. Make peace with Him now because there are no limits to His powers. Don’t forget He has the hearts of your husband and his family in His hands. If He stands by you, no matter the state of your womb, your husband will, at the end of the day, still forgive your not telling him. Perhaps this is happening for you to turn to and depend more on God than you currently are doing. Good luck.