Dear Agatha,
Ever since I stumbled on your column in the **Daily Independent** I have made it my daily column in the tabloids. You are indeed a blessing to our generation.
I am a 30-year-old lady, in a relationship that is almost hitting three years. We are planning to get married. I love him and he does too because he always tells me how much he admires me.
However, something happened that is threatening our perfect world. Recently, he told me for the first time about his five-year-old daughter whose mother insisted on giving birth to her despite appeals she got rid of the pregnancy.
According to him, he refused to tell me until now out of fear of losing me.
Agatha, I am so confused because this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. What happens if the girl refuses to accept me as her mother? Although he has assured that he knows I have what it takes to look after and care for this girl, it might not be as easy as he thinks.
My point is what do I do? Do I allow him bring the girl home or he should just be responsible for her upkeep. I am confused. Do I go ahead with the marriage plans or what? I am meeting his family very soon they are in the North. Your prompt response will be highly appreciated.
Worried Woman.
Dear Worried Woman,
That you are not angry at him for keeping such vital information away from you until now shows that you are truly in love and that your relationship has the right foundation to work things out. This is quite commendable and means your worry over your ability to care for this child is needless.
A relationship such as yours has the elasticity to make things work out at the end of the day.
Unless you allow it, this girl cannot be a major issue between you and your man. Now that you know, insist on meeting the girl and her mother. From this early beginning, insist on taking the child over from the mother, making it clear to everyone that you intend to have a major say and influence in the life of this child. Though this may not be easy for you now, but it is the only way you can have complete control of your home as well as reduce the influence of the child’s mother in your home and life.
The fact that your husband and this woman have a child makes it almost impossible to totally insist you don’t want her to get in touch with your man. The existence of that child means from time to time these two would get together to discuss the progress and welfare of their child.
Since there is no telling the real motive of this woman, it is in your best interest to take over the child. This way, you nip in the bud whatever repercussions that are likely to occur in future by allowing the child with the mother.
Once you make up your mind to take her, ensure you treat her as your own irrespective of whatever faults she may have as a person. The conflict comes between stepmothers and their stepchildren, when stepmothers ignore the basic truth about the child they are supposed to foster - that a child will always be one. Child truancy, misbehaviour, tantrums and antics have no paternity or tribe. Children will always behave according to form hence must not be unnecessarily condemned or labelled on account of her maternity.
When the child needs proper scolding, don’t hesitate to mete the apt punishment and when the need to praise arises, also don’t hesitate to give it to the child unconditionally.
What you feed into this child is what you will get at the end of the day. If from this early stage, you endeavour to feed into the child seeds of love, trust, loyalty, fair mindedness as well as the fear of God, there is no way this child will cause problems for you now or later in life. Give this child the training you will give your own child.
Problems come when stepmothers treat their step- children with wickedness and envy. Don’t transfer whatever negative feelings or fear of the mother to the child. The child is an innocent party in this. She didn’t ask to be born at all, hence it would be wrong to transfer whatever feelings or thoughts against the mother to her.
As for going ahead, there is nothing stopping you from marrying him. He has told you the reason why he didn’t tell you and to be honest would you have gone ahead with the relationship if you knew he had a child way back then?
Your final decision should be based on what you know of him, the quality of life both of you had enjoyed since you became an item. How has he treated and respected you? How caring is he? Beyond this issue of this child, has he ever lied to you or given you reason to doubt him in any way?
For you to appreciate him very well, look at how you begun and where you are now. If you limit your decision to the current situation in your relationship, you may end up taking the wrong decision.
Above all learn to pray because the success of marriage is based on prayers, trust and tolerance.
Good luck.
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