Now Back Begging After His Marriage To My House-help Collapsed…

Dear Agatha,

I need someone to pour my heart out to and one whose wisdom I need to overcome this problem. You may not remember me, but I have been a most grateful beneficiary of your wisdom. All I can say is that God would help lighten your burden for using your hallowed wisdom to nurse our wound. Don’t expect any of us to reward you because we simply cannot.

The problem I am currently sharing with you has been a subject of controversy both in my family and church. My friends think the solution is to quit. I am really between two evils with none offering a better alternative. 

It all started last year when I brought a house-help home to assist me with the housework. I did this not because I wanted to, but my job leaves me little time to care for my children and family. My husband, a contractor, and you know what that means, irregular income. For the better part of the time, my salary is what we depend on. Therefore I am very careful not to lose it. 

Since I didn’t even have the time to search for a house-help, my mother-in-law offered to. I was glad and was over the moon when within a week she came with a young lady she said she got from the village.

A week after the lady came to stay with us, my sister-in-law came for a visit. I noticed that she didn’t like the idea of the young lady working for me. I pretended not to notice when she dragged her brother downstairs for a shouting match. Since she and I didn’t get on very well, I assumed she was not happy that her mother helped me to find a maid when she was also looking for one. She didn’t bother to come back upstairs instead she called on me downstairs to inform me she was leaving and that I shouldn’t bother to come down to see her off.

When I asked my husband what the problem was, he said I should ignore her that she was just being her natural self.

That was last year. I was very happy with the lady because she treated my home as if it were hers. She would wake up to clean the house, wash clothes and cook for my family. I soon discovered she was also a very good cook and forever at the service of my children. She was also very respectful. Even when I am at home, I hardly have anything to do because she does everything perfectly.

I was forever thanking my mother-in-law for finding her for me. I also didn’t nurse any suspicion because my mother-in-law was now almost resident permanently in my home. When a close neighbour of mine cautioned against my too much reliance on the girl and her lack of monitoring as well as the possibility of anything between her and my husband, I dismissed it on the premise that my husband would never do such a thing. I also pointed at the presence of my mother-in-law who has gotten nicer and nicer to me by the day.

I didn’t even notice the lady was pregnant until it became obvious to every one. I was naturally shocked and angry. But nothing compared to the piercing pains of betrayal and humiliation when she told me pointedly that my husband put her in the family way. She told me she wasn’t brought in as a house-help, but as the other wife by my mother-in-law who was carrying out the wishes of my husband and other family members. When I looked unto my husband and mother-in-law for help in understanding the nonsense the girl was saying, they confirmed and told me I was free to leave the house if I felt uncomfortable with the arrangement.

Too confused to think straight, I left the house. My parents would have none of it so they followed me home to know what the problem was and how they can amicably resolve the matter. They were driven away by all my in-laws who have assembled in my house.

Left with no choice my parents took my two children and left with me. Surprisingly only my sister-in-law came to show solidarity with me and to explain her behaviour that day. She told me that her mother never liked me for one bit that they think that I am using spiritual means to rob their son off his luck. According to her my husband was doing well in his business before I came along but all that stopped when he married me.

My in-laws, who also accused the pastor of aiding me with charms to harm their son, threw him out when he went to intervene on my behalf.

That was last year. Two weeks ago, I was surprised to see my husband and another relative of his at my office. They came to beg me to forgive them. The lady in question died while giving birth to a child. Fortunately the child survived. My mother-in-law too is down with a strange sickness and has been told only my forgiveness can cure her.

My parents have barred me from going to see her, same with my friends. Only the pastor is on my side. My mother went to the extent of placing a curse on me if I go back to my husband and his mother. Deep down I want to go, but what about the curse placed on me by my mother?

Agatha, please help me! What if I disobey her and my husband does something else to me? Who will I run to?

Gbemi.

Dear Gbemi,

You will run to that God who fought and won this battle for you. You will from this moment rededicate your marriage home, husband and family to His protective care. You will continue to plead for mercy and favour in your marriage. Nobody won this battle for you. God did it and is still very much on the throne of mercy, and with Him you will always escape the trap of the enemies, because He is the only one who never fails.

Because He lives, you can face that tomorrow with confidence and peace. Don’t be afraid. Indeed challenges would come because God never promised us life without them, but in Him are the solutions to those problems.

Can your mother, in all honesty, claim not to have confronted by problems in her marriage? Has she because of the problems quit her home? Is she not in her matrimonial home? 

Agreed, your husband and in-laws betrayed you in the worst way possible, but that is not enough reason for your mother to prevent you from going back to your husband and making peace with your mother-in-law. Was Jesus Christ not betrayed by his disciples? Who sold him out to His accusers? If He found it easy to forgive humanity, sacrificing Himself for the same people that nailed Him to the cross, who are we not to forgive?

I am sure your mother is not without mistakes, some she committed knowingly and others she did unknowingly. If God forgives her sin, why is she so adamant in forgiving others whom she perceived have offended her?

Go to her and explain your desire to go back to your home. Tell her, much as you appreciate the help given you in your moment of tribulations, you want to go back to your home because that is where you really belong to, not with her and your father anymore. She is your mother go on your knees to really thank her for being there with you before pleading with her to remove the curse she placed on you if you go back to your husband. Tell her as a young woman, you need the comfort and intimacy of your husband, something she or your father can never give you. 

Let her know you understand her fears and that in her position too, you will do same but that from experience she knows that nobody is perfect, and that a time would come when you would be forced again to seek the company of a man. Ask her what she would do if the man turns out to be worse than your current husband?

Because she loves you and desires the best for you she would listen to you. If need be, enlist the support of your father to make her see reasons. She is understandably hurt by the attitude of your husband and his people, but not enough reason to make her want to keep you with her.

It is also important that you look at the reason your husband and his people treated you like the way they did. Even though some in-laws are naturally impossible, from your narrations, it would seem you never gave your family the attention needed. Money cannot compensate for a wife and mother’s love in your home. You have to divide your time wisely between your official responsibilities and your obligations to your home. Your husband may not be the loud type, but one that secretly plots his revenge, like you experienced. Don’t sacrifice the peace of your home for anything.

If she refuses to, go with your pastor to make peace with your man and his people because that is where you belong. God always have a reason for our travails. He never leaves defenceless and without reason to celebrate Him at the end of it all.

Good luck.

  

Please Tell Me Essence Of True Love In Relationship

Dear Agatha,

I thank God for giving us such an intelligent person like you. God in His infinite mercy will continue to bless you with more wisdom, knowledge and understanding. Agatha, I want you to please broaden my knowledge on what dating and relationship entail, I mean, the don’ts and dos of a good relationship. And also what true love is. Please I would be anticipating your reply.

Terry.

Dear Terry, 

It is a process every human being, except those sworn to celibacy goes through in life. At one particular point in life, we are expected to develop special feelings for a member of the opposite sex. 

This special feeling gives birth to love, dating and relationship. 

However, a lot of misconceptions becloud the process, some from ignorance, selfish interests as well as mischief. 

Ideally the process if founded on the right ethics brings so much joy and peace into a person’s life. It makes one so complete and more appreciative of the essence of two different people coming together.

But like every process in life, it has a time and season attached to it. Done in the wrong season it brings along with it shame and pains because of the many responsibilities attached to it.  Contrary to what many think, falling in love isn’t as easy as it appears. Like every process in life, it requires planning and vision to make it work. Therefore a master plan is a necessity when contemplating a relationship to avoid ending up with the wrong partner. The only way to avoid the many mistakes and distresses that shadow relationships is to help yourself define what works for you as well as have a broad knowledge of what it entails to go into one. With this comes the awareness that disappointment is part of the total package, and that when it comes it must be managed in such a way that the couple is able to leave the disappointment behind. 

Like I said, the first step starts from having an idea of what works. Before going into a relationship, you must first know, the kind of partner you would need to help you achieve the goals you have set for yourself in life. You and your partner must be on the same page for things to work between the two of you. Confusion usually sets in when couple is on different page making understanding, appreciation of their differences as well as communication very difficult. 

A lot of time people assume that the success of a relationship begins and ends with falling in love. Granted that love brings two people together, but to keep the flame burning requires limitless sacrifices that come from a deep determination to move things forward. 

Couples without this foresight end up tearing at each other’s throat, exchanging accusations of insensitivity and incompatibility. More often than not, it is this determination driven by the realisation that we come with factory defects that balances the scale in favour of tolerance and friendship in a relationship. 

Friendship is what grows trust and loyalty. When a couple is unable to entrench trust as well as develop loyalty to each other, it becomes increasingly difficult for the two of them to overcome even the slightest shadow of doubt that comes up.  This is why a relationship must be premised on the right values and essence from the beginning. Sex, though an integral part of a relationship, must always be kept in the background until the couple is married. This is because premarital sex has a way of devaluing a relationship as well as robbing the couple of the determination and strength to dig a proper foundation for the relationship to stand. Having sex before marriage doesn’t add anything to a relationship at all. It doesn’t stop relationship from collapsing like packs of cards and doesn’t stop unfaithfulness either. For the woman, the emotional tragedy is monumental when things go wrong because hers is always a double loss of her dignity as a woman and her emotions. 

To have a successful relationship, it is best sex is kept at bay until the couple knows the reason they have come together and what they hope to achieve in the union. Issues like patience, support, respect, perseverance, understanding, loyalty endurance, responsibility, faith, friendship, and sacrifices are issues any couple desirous of having a successful relationship must first tackle and get right before thinking of sex.  No mater how good a couple’s sex life is, if unable to define appropriately the other areas of their life, the relationship will definitely suffer from lack of this foresight.

For you to succeed at having a successful relationship don’t limit yourself to looks and the status. Take time to look at what and whom the person is, those things hidden about the person.  On your part, you must strive at all times to respect the privacy of the person you are in a relationship with. Don’t rush the process of trust or deliberately do anything to instill it. To be enduring, it must be enveloped in sincerity. This is what true love is all about. 

Good luck. 

Lived With Me, Got Him Job, Yet Ungrateful

Dear Agatha, 

I live in England and have this Igbo friend who shares my apartment. My husband resides in the United States and asked I get someone to stay in the house with me, so I won’t be bored since life here can be very lonely. 

This guy has been in my apartment for six months and we have never had a problem for once.

However, one day my 15 months old baby came to him crying, desiring he carried her, rather than pick up the crying baby he ignored her. After some minutes, he turned to address the baby; accusing the baby of snoring like her father. I was taken aback by this comments and instantly registered my displeasure with his comments to my daughter whom I pointed out knows nothing. He said it was a joke. I told him never to make such jokes again.

Agatha, if I expected him to stop after my protests I was wrong. As a matter of fact, that began another pattern in our relationship. Anytime my baby cried, it is either he calls her an embarrassment, ugly like the father or something in line with that. For months I tried to pretend I didn’t notice the things he was saying just to have peace in the house. However on Palm Sunday, I came back from church tired and with the baby in need for another feed. As I was about to feed her, this guy came into the house and my baby ran to him only for him to say to the baby that she cries too much, as is as ugly as the father. I snapped with all the bottled up emotions in me; I made him realize that my husband was better than him any day. He replied me too that he was finer than my husband and that he wasn’t even talking to me, but my baby.   

His response and attitude was more than I could tolerate so we went into hot exchange of words. It got so bad; he threatened to slap me. I was too angry to care, so I dared him to.

After everything, I decided to apologise being the holy week. I wanted to celebrate Easter with an open mind. When I tendered my apologies to him, he said he was only joking. I told him I didn’t like that kind of joke. He went to say that rather than apologise to my daughter and I, he would rather move out of the house. 

Agatha, I have always treated this guy like my own brother, feeding him with my money, using my husband’s name to get him a job since he doesn’t have official papers. I feel bad about his behaviour. When I told my husband what happened, he pleaded with me to forgive him but I don’t ever want to talk to him again. He would be moving out at the end of this month. 
He now tells people that I am too hard, that he has stayed with women before but my own is different that I don’t just give chances at all. So tell me if I should answer him or ignore him? And where I went wrong? 

Taylor.

Dear Taylor,

Life is potpourri of the good, the bad and ugly. That you feed and give him your husband’s connection obviously doesn’t hold water for this man. 

In the first place, it was a bit of a risk for you to take someone you didn’t know very well into your home and someone of opposite sex from you. Being careful has nothing to do with the amount of trust your husband has in you but that of your image and safety. A person that can openly antagonize your baby and husband is capable of doing and saying anything about you. 

His resentment towards your husband and baby didn’t start when he began to voice them out. It must have started long before he erupted. You just didn’t see the signs early enough. It took his outburst to make you see it. 

From everything he has done to all the things you claimed he said to your baby, there appears to be a resentment against your husband which if not intelligently managed by you could lead to more troubles in your home especially as his agenda isn’t clear to you.

Though you appear to have the trust of your husband now, it might not be easy to convince him that you are innocent if this guy decides to blackmail you by accusing you of something that didn’t happen between the two of you.

Even if he eventually changes his mind about leaving, please don’t make the mistake of keeping him in your home. Let him go and say whatever pleases him to people about you. Don’t be bothered about what he says or doesn’t say. Gossips and backbiting have always been part of human existence. So don’t allow this worry you or make you change your mind about him leaving your home. 

Some relationships strive best when kept at a distant. This doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven him or that you habour any grudge in your heart against him but just application of wisdom in dealings with him. 

There is also the need for you to protect your baby from the likelihood of physical abuse. Using such strong words on a child is wrong and could cause that child to have a psychological problem in the future once she begins to understand the meaning of the words being used on her. Telling a child that he or she is as ugly as the father isn’t a nice thing to say to any child. It could cause the child to grow up with an inferiority complex and being a girl could make her hate herself as well as develop some bitter feelings against the father whose look she inherited. 

No matter the problem he might be having with you, using such language on your baby presents him as insensitive, callous and selfish. 

Sincerely, it would do you a world of good to keep your distance from this man as well as keep your baby away from him especially between now and the time he leaves your home at the end of the month.

One thing you should also be careful of and which you must never do is give your husband’s documents to another person to use. With those documents he could do something sinister to your husband especially as he seemed to have developed some kind of inexplicable hatred for him.        

It might be in your interest as well as that of your husband to seek the opinion of your lawyer on the papers you gave him to work. Allow your lawyer to guide you on the steps to take to protect your husband from the wrong use of that paper. But first tell your husband what you did with his papers as well as the suggestion you see a lawyer to protect his interest in case this man decides to be mischievous.

The lesson for you in all these is to be careful whom you share your space and time with.  Always ask for the leading of God before you do anything to prevent regrettable and avoidable situations.

Good luck. 

Pains In My Testicles: Can Masturbation Be Of Any Help?

Dear Agatha, 

Thanks for previously helping me out of my masturbation problem. 

About two weeks ago, I noticed severe pain in my testicles making sex a no go area for me. 

However, I notice that when I masturbate the pain reduces. 

Please help me and urgently too since I don’t want to go back to my vomit. 

A Friend.

Dear A Friend, 

Go and see a doctor as soon as possible. Pains in the testicles could be an undertone for a more serious medical problem. The testicle is very important to the man because where sperms are manufactured, and any damage to it could lead to your being sterile. If you continue to ignore it, using the act of masturbation as a cure, you risk doing more damage to a situation, which a minor treatment now can reverse. 

The fact that masturbation is giving you some relief shows that there is blockage somewhere and only a doctor can tell what your medical situation really is. 

When it comes to cases bothering on one’s reproductive health, ensure you don’t patronize quacks, go to a very good hospital or any of the government hospitals nearest to you. 

It is important you don’t delay what could just be a routine check for now. 

Good luck. 

Sadist To Supervise My Project…

Dear Agatha,
I’m a 400- level History student. My problem is choosing who will be the supervisor of my project among the many lecturers I have. 

Agatha, the one assigned to me is a retired head of service and I think   full of wisdom which is why I listed him among the lecturers to pick for my project.

However to my dismay some students originally assigned to this lecturer have changed to other supervisors on the grounds that he is strict; that where other lecturers would turn a blind eye, he would insist on things being done correctly. 

With every sense of modesty I am good at my studies, a fact recognized by even this lecturer who often praises me before others. For this reason I don’t want anything to jeopardize our relation because he is bound to notice my poor communication skills. I’ve between now and October to submit my project. Most of my colleagues have at least submitted their proposals while some have actually started writing. 

My fear is that I might be the only student he may supervise since other students have rejected him for being too strict.

Agatha, in addition to his strictness, he lashes out at students, thus embarrasses them. What more, he enjoys speaking in Latin and seems to enjoying his nature to the detriment of others. Though he is generous with well-meaning advice, he is too harsh and irrational for my peace of mind. 

Although I have written for a change of supervisor taking my limited time, but given the limited time I have as well as the fact that I don’t know the other lecturers well enough, I am confused. 

An old student familiar with him that I discussed my dilemma with encouraged me to go ahead with him as my supervisor. That it is only students who are not sure of themselves that run away from him. 

I want to be properly guided; want to look before jumping into a lake of fire.

 Please advise me, I promise to abide with your suggestions.  

Bernete.

Dear Bernete, 

If you are confident in yourself, sure that you merit the degree you have gone to school to earn, should it matter if this man is harsh or not?

Besides what is the essence of education? If you meet a man like him as your boss, husband or father-in-law, would ask your organization to change him, quit the marriage or your husband to disown him simply because you are afraid to embrace the challenge he represents?

This man is part of your training in the university. He is part of the informal side of your education at the university. The real world is a place you will meet a kaleidoscope of people, persons you have to learn to cope with, endure and find ways of living with. We all come with our peculiarities as well as factory defects, not even identical twins have the same attitude towards life. 

Your education isn’t complete without you also learning how to manage challenging situations like the one this lecturer represents and persons. By learning to manage him now, you score higher than all those who are frightened by whom he is. This is one lesson that would remain indelible throughout your life because outside the university is a school of life, one in which you must daily write your thesis, get score and continue. You need the experience of this man in its ramification to sail through similar pitfalls in the new world you are graduating into. 

It would therefore be your interest to endure his harshness and lessons. He represents the reality of the real world, a world in which you have to be up and about to make things happen; a world you have to define your character, assess your chances and make a bid for the best life has to offer. Trust me, the real world is not for cowards, like that old student graciously told you; it is for real people, with guts and determination to succeed where others are recording failures. 

Being harsh and strict doesn’t make him wicked. He is only trying to gauge your preparedness to face the world outside. He also wants to know how well you can defend your degree. As a student, who is sure of self, you shouldn’t what he thinks of your communication skill; he is paid to ensure you graduate with the best results; he there to help correct your mistakes; besides nobody is an island. There are areas too he has to seek for the help and opinion of others to get going. Isn’t it better he corrects you now than for you to be disgraced by a boss who is very sensitive to mistakes, who would in public glare ask you if you ever went to school? 

As a student one willing to be the best, subject yourself to his authority.  

This lesson isn’t going to last forever. This is the time you need him, need his grooming to be one of the best your field has to offer the world. Stick with him because God never makes a mistake in His choice for us. To get the purest of gold, both metal and goldsmith have to endure the heat longer than the rest. It is what takes mere good to premium quality. His perceived harshness is what would transform you from a mere good student to the best of the pack.

Good luck. 

Pregnant While Helping Her In Holland

Dear Agatha 
I am 37 years of age, hoping to get married any moment from now. In my bid to make ends meet and enhance the living condition of my family, I travelled to Holland in search for economic empowerment. 

Agatha, one of my worst fears in life is to expose my children to undue sufferings due to lack of proper planning on my part. To this end, I fear getting married without first putting in place the right kinds of structures that would ensure continued flow of steady income. 

Because things were difficult for me in the early years of my life, I could not go beyond primary six despite my love for education. Because of my educational limitations I dreamt of getting married to a lady who is well educated to help our children and me achieve our desires in life. 

Back in Holland, I enjoyed helping Nigerian girls that are deceived into coming to that country but later forced into prostitution. I always help those who do not want to engage in the trade back home. It makes me happy to be of help. 

There was one particular crying bitterly at being forced into prostitution. Out of pity, I tried to help get back to Nigeria, but ran foul of the secret laws of those who brought her to that country. Because of the amount of money they spend into bringing these girls to the country, they can do anything and go to any length in dealing with people like me who try to help these girls back home. They can go as far as killing or setting the person up for a crime the person didn’t commit. 

I was able to take this girl away from them having lived in the country for a long time, but since her passport was with them, she couldn’t immediately travel back to Nigeria. Hence I allowed her stay with me for two months to enable me gather money to pay her way back to Nigeria as well as get her some things back home. 

While she was with me, I tried to be a gentleman, but she was a great temptation especially as she felt she owed me for what I did for her. I couldn’t resist her open invitation any longer, so capitulated to her invitation. That led to her getting pregnant. We tried to get rid of the pregnancy by injecting her, it didn’t work, and so I asked her to keep it. I sent her home to Nigeria where again she saw a doctor who also advised her to keep the pregnancy. When she told me what the doctor said, I concurred.

Since I couldn’t leave her in that situation alone, I came back to the country to see her and her family members. They tried to convince me to marry her, but I made my stance on the issue of marriage very clear. I told them I was only interested in the baby, and would take care of her until she is strong. She supported me because she knows the situation wasn’t my fault. 

Apart from not being dark, the kind of women that turn me on, I am better than her in terms of education. Unlike me, she didn’t get to primary six; she stopped at primary four or five. 

Frankly, this is where the real problem is. She is beautiful and I am sure she loves me. I don’t hate her, can’t hate the mother of my son even if I wanted to. Just that I don’t have enough feelings to make me want to spend the rest of my life with her. 

Besides, at 23, I feel she is too young for me, not the kind of age I need in marriage. 

In all honesty, she is still hoping I would change my mind about marrying her, but the issue is I have tried my best to make my dream of marrying an educated woman come true. What I don’t know is if this girl is the will of God for me. I am so confused because I need an educated woman in my life. 

Andrew.

Dear Andrew, 

It takes a special kind of love for you to find an educated woman who would marry a man who has very limited education.  Frankly, it is easier for a man to marry an uneducated woman than for a woman to marry an uneducated man. This is because the society expects the man to be better, in the position to lift his wife up and not the other way round.     

It isn’t everyman that gets that lucky because the average woman is looking for a man who can shoulder her responsibilities.

The mistake you made is not going further on your study after you started to work. For someone who has a passion for quality education, you didn’t exhibit it at all. That your father couldn’t sponsor your education beyond primary six isn’t excuse for you to have allowed yourself stagnate educationally. You could have enrolled in one of the adult education classes to improve yourself. 

If you don’t think it is too late and ashamed to liberate the restriction to your happiness you think your lack of education has imposed, you still can improve on yourself by studying at home and writing external examinations. All you have to do is get the current syllabus from any secondary school near you to help you know the relevant books to read. What you need in cases like this is undiluted determination. 

And if you think you can’t summon the courage to, you can encourage the mother of your son to, if lack of education is the only reason you don’t want to marry her. Having good education isn’t as rigid as you are making it appear to be. It is achievable no matter the age of the person seeking it. Hence unwise is the decision to make it the foundation of your relationship. 

At 37, you are not getting younger and while good education is of utmost advantage, it is neither a key to marital happiness nor does it determine the quality of care and attention a woman gives her family. These things are natural to a woman. 

It doesn’t take education for a human to be humble, caring, understanding, supportive and tolerant of the excesses of her mate. These come from the values that are important to her and whom she really is.

You may have the desire to marry an educated woman but have you thought about the essentials? Do you think you have what it takes to marry one? What if you end up with an educated woman who is arrogant? How do you plan to curtail her? Would you have the guts to act as the man especially if the woman knows this little weakness of yours? Would you be able to effectively act as her leader in the relationship?

Sincerely, if there is anytime for you to think reality, it is now. That child didn’t ask to be born. It didn’t instigate you sleeping with the mother on the day you did. If your excuses of preferring darker women were that intense, you would have been able to resist the temptation this woman offered you on that day.

That you capitulated makes this reason sound as an excuse from someone seeking one. Have you thought of why this baby couldn’t be aborted both in Holland and here? God often uses our so called wise ways to portray how stupid we really are at the end of the day. 

God is God and knows what is best for us. When issues become this cloudy, it is always advisable for one to return to God in prayers and total submission to His will. That boy needs his parents to be happy, to make you very proud as well as escape the suffering you don’t want for your children. 

A time would come in your life when what you price as important now would become very insignificant, when you would take stock of your decisions and regret the costs and pains you are enduring as a result of those decision; when you would seek approval and friendship of your son and would find nothing of him to hold on to because of the pains your decisions cost him at his early age. 

Nobody can care for this child like both of you. She needs you to be happy and you need your son to be regarded as a complete man. 

For now, don’t foreclose the chance of having her in your life. Allow God to lead you right. Explain to her what you are going through while pleading for time for you to fully resolve this inner conflict. She would understand better than you throwing back her love for you on her face without considering her feelings. It would do you a world of good to remember that there is a fine line between love and hatred and once a woman crosses over to the hate side; even hell would be preferable for the man who is her target. 

Just be human and reasonable to her to prevent you from losing the first fruit of your manhood to her. Take time out to date and court her properly to be sure you know what you are doing.

Good luck.  

Marathon Sex: Any Stamina In Pills?

Dear Agatha,

I must really thank you for all the uncountable problems you have been solving through your column. God will bless you.

I have had sex with only two girls in my life, my ex and my current girlfriend. When I started having sex with my ex, I usually came too quickly in my first round and I would lose my erection. But after a minute or two I would gain it back and end up satisfying her just as she satisfied me. 

But with my new girl, the reverse is the case. After my first round which I usually came too quick, 30 seconds, I find it hard to gain back my erection. My partner finds it frustrating as this has happened a couple of times. She has severally also tried to help me gain back my erection after my awful start, but all her efforts always end as failure. 

I am now thinking of going on sex enhancing pills to go marathon. Please I need your help, as this has never happened until now.

Tochi.

Dear Tochi, 

No two persons are alike. What works with one person may not work with another person. Simply because your first girlfriend can resuscitate you after going down in the first few seconds of your having sex with her doesn’t mean the next woman can. 

You both must understand each other’s body as well as psychological well being to enjoy intimacy together. 

Again, it also depends on what sex means to both of you. There is a whole world of difference between a couple having sex and the one making love. 

Every living creature has sex, but only humans have the ability to translate sex into lovemaking. No matter how wide our experiences are the ability to patent our performance is what gives the act excitement with the person we share intimacy with at any particular moment. 

That your first girlfriend could cope doesn’t mean any other woman can cope with the situation. The problem here seems to be your refusal to get acquitted with the package, that is your new woman. Trying to import your experiences from your previous relationship into your new one would not work at all. 

For there is to be union between your bodies and souls, you both must first share your previous experience in sex with each other, your challenges as well as your advantages and preferences. 

When a man and woman decide to sleep with each other, all pretences and condemnations must be left outside the bedroom. At the point two adults decide to strip before each other, even if both are coming with zero experiences, it is a point of no return, where both must face the journey they have elected to go together with naked honesty. 

To achieve premium performance you and your new girlfriend must first share your limitations. Let her know you have a problem of sustainability of erection beyond 60 seconds. Share with her your former experiences and how you overcame it. Listen to her story too and how you can help her overcome it as well. 

The next step is to discover each other’s erotic zones before the act. The best way is to explore through touch. In the bedroom, shyness is considered an abomination; hence the couple should be free to explore each other’s body like a book. The gain of such examination is the amount of satisfaction that follows afterwards during the real act. It makes it easier for the other person to know when to come in with help aids for better performance. 

For instance, if your partner knows your other erotic zones aside the one you are used to, it would be beneficial to both of you. Let her begin from the crown of your head to the sole of your feet. By the time she finishes her exploration, both of you would have discovered more exciting zones on your body than you previously thought. You should also perform the same ritual on her. 

With this knowledge, you armed yourself with useful information on how to help each other achieve better sexual performance. Outside the exploration, you also need helpful insights from books to upgrade your performance. It is often wrong and very presumptuous for men especially to assume they know it all. Like every venture in life, lovemaking must be symbiotic to achieve its goal in a relationship. 

Unless you have a medical problem, which you must first clear with the doctor, the only sex enhancing pill you need to perform at premium level, is to be liberal minded.

Good luck. 

 Lonely Hearts

 

Dear Agatha,

I thank God for using you to help mankind. God will continue to bless you.

I am a decent lady of 33 years based in Abuja. I am from Ekiti State, working and schooling. I am in need of a born-again man for a serious relationship that will lead to marriage, the man must be working or into business and should be from South West. I could be reached throughdorcasbiyi@yahoo.com

Hard Telling Her Our Love Can’t Lead To Altar…

Dear Agatha,  

God will continue to bless you and enrich your life. I’m 27 years; there is this girl, 25 years of age, I knew back in 2008. During our interactions she told me about her boyfriend who was then a final year student. According to her, she had decided to quit the relationship because the boy wasn’t ready to settle down and has actually given her the go ahead to marry any man interested in her.

Following this, I promised to stick to her, but with time I found out that she lacked one major quality I needed in my wife. So I decided to begin the process of ending the relationship. Though I made up my mind to end it, I also didn’t think it should be sudden to avoid hurting her too much.

Last year, after a one-year (2008) IT job I secured for her in one of our branches and where she found out of my relationship with one of the directors, she began to mount pressure on me to come and marry her. I was able to resist the pressure.

In September last year, she told me somebody was coming for her hand in marriage, and that she is refusing him as a result of the love she has for me. Seeing this as my cue, I told her to give the guy a chance since I have no plans to marry soon, because projects I had on hand, thus wouldn’t want to waste her time. 

Thereafter, I purposely started avoiding her, but nothing I did made her change her mind about me. This year, I stopped picking her calls and later sent her a text message informing her of my disinterest in the relationship. I told her she was however free to come for financial assistance should she need any. 

To my surprise, in her reply to my text, she said it was either my love or nothing; that my presence in her life prevented her from accepting other offers and that unless I stay on with her, her heart will hold it against me.

I really intended a peaceful separation. I did what I did to free myself after I searched my heart and found out I can’t marry her. How can I settle this matter in a peaceful manner? The only time she told me about another man, I advised her to marry the guy.

Agatha, please help me.

Madu.

 

Dear Madu,

You erred by not telling her the truth when you found out she lacked the essential quality you needed in a wife. Although relationship derives its origin from sentimental feelings, but its existence is based on reality and facts.

Your refusal to be honest with her is what is causing this problem for you. You didn’t want to hurt her by refusing to tell her the truth, but that is precisely what you are doing now, asking her to go and marry another man when she has invested all her hopes on you two getting married.

Even if she lied about the other man coming to her, the truth is, you should have told her to enable her begin something new with another man. Pretending you were still interested in her when your mind was already made up presents you as being selfish even if you claim you acted in her best interest.

There is no way you can convince her on that now especially as you are also saying the same thing her former boyfriend said to her when he wanted to end the relationship. Your asking her to marry this man just like her former boyfriend did would not only hurt her, but also bring back a lot of memories she thought she has forgotten. It is like opening up already healed wounds. In her shoes you would feel bitter, betrayed and humiliated.

She would feel of all these because you are still not man enough to tell her the truth, the real reason you are ending the relationship. Telling her like her former boyfriend that you aren’t ready to marry is good enough. In addition it makes you appear to her as very calculating, someone who needed her body for pleasure but not good enough to marry.

Sincerely, it would be hard for her to forgive you unless you tell her the truth. As it is now, you may have left it too late. Not only does she currently feel betrayed by you, but that you have used and dumped her. It would now require extra wisdom from you to get her to forgive you and accept your terms without this feeling of bitterness deep in her.

It was also very thoughtless of you to have communicated your desire through a text message. Even if you insist on not wanting to hurt her, ending the relationship through a text message wasn’t ideal.

 How would you feel if you were in her shoes and the person you love as well as planning to spend the rest of your life with, decides to end your relationship in such an undignified manner?

Honestly, it would take the grace of God for you to convince her that this move wasn’t planned long ago.

If you are to persuade her on your good intentions, take the brave step of going to see her personally. Be prepared for her anger, but be determined to achieve a positive result, one that would see both of you ending the relationship without too much bitterness.

It may not be so easy at first to convince her of your good intentions, but if you take time to explain to her, point her at the reason you both cannot have a wonderful life together, she would eventually agree to let go.

To soften her, begin by pointing out her good points. Let her know she is not completely without good qualities, but that the one very important to you, that you have always required in your dream woman she lacks.

You must also make her understand that you didn’t plan this from the beginning; that you were actually interested in having her for keeps until you discovered she didn’t have what you really need in a woman. Endeavour to explain this to her to help her make the necessary amends in her next relationship. It is essential to protect her from further disappointment in her future relationships.

Whatever it takes let her see your regret and helplessness at your inability to move the relationship forward with her.

Ensure you really beg for her forgiveness to be free of whatever spiritual consequences that is likely to come from your mismanagement of her feelings for you.

In future, learn to be a man by owning up to your responsibilities.

Good luck.