Dear Agatha,
I have been married for six years with two children. Unfortunately, the marriage lacks peace.
My husband is always in the habit of beating me whenever we have misunderstanding. As a matter of fact I never liked or loved him but the church forced me into marrying him on the grounds that he is a nice man. I am 29 now and he is 45 years of age.
He doesn’t care for the children or I, as I carry the entire family responsibilities despite earning a meager salary. His excuse for not taking care of the children and I is that he is waiting to be blessed by God before he takes on his responsibilities to his family.
Recently be beat me to the point that I was unconscious, before our neighbours rushed me to the hospital.
Thereafter, I ran away with the children. The church intervened insisting it is God’s will for me because I wedded him in the church.
I don’t want to go back to him. I’m afraid he may kill me. I am so confused and helpless. What should I do?
Efe.
Dear Efe,
At this stage the issue goes beyond you or the church. Involve your family since any permanent injury or death that occurs from this domestic violence would affect them most.
When a man takes to beating his wife into unconsciousness, that marriage is in severe trouble and begging alone will not wish the problem away.
The church cannot blackmail you to stay at the expense of your life. It is because you are alive they can come to beg you. Had you died in the process of being beaten by this man, who would the church come to beg? A dead body?
It is obvious there are thorny issues in this marriage that should not be swept under the carpet on the altar of religious doctrine. The church is in the best position now to change him for good provided they have the right attitude towards this matter.
This isn’t just a case of begging you to come back but of digging deep to find out what the real issues are. Why does he take delight in beating you? Is it a perfect solution to whatever it is you are doing wrong? Why is he refusing to care for the children and you?
These are clear volatile issues that could cripple any marriage.
Begging you to come back without first clearing all the outstanding causes of problems in the marriage, would only complicate things between the two of you later in the future.
One of the cardinal responsibilities of the church is to find a lasting solution to whatever that makes him to beat you. The situation in your marriage calls for a pragmatic approach not a doctrinaire solution like the church seems to be pursuing.
To get them to listen to whatever you feel is the problem, go to the authority of the church with a view of getting them to listen to you. Tell them the consequences of pressurising you to go back into the marriage without them first clearing out all the dark cobwebs that have constituted problems to you and your spouse. This is one time you shouldn’t allow yourself to be pushed into doing what you don’t want to do.
If the church is refusing to listen to you, remind them of their responsibilities to you and why they should take liability for the problem they helped in creating in the first place.
This is your life hence must be very clear and definite about the way you want things to go because you need to be alive to care for those children.
No matter how anyone else tries to care for those children, they cannot do a good job as you, so always bear this in mind during the process of resolving the crisis in your marriage.
The role you have to play towards finding an amiable solution to the issues involved in your marriage is to admit to your own faults too. The truth is, even if you agree to go your different ways, it can be absolute because of those children hence you must strive to keep the communication line opened if not for now but for the sake of those children who would one day want to know about their father. No matter how you desire it, those children cannot keep permanent enmity with their father.
You may have pushed the man into desperate measures through the attitude you are putting up as a result of your not liking him. When a woman finds herself in a situation like yours, the tendency is for her to misbehave and force the man through her indifference to him to do things he wouldn’t do in a very normal situation.
If this is the case, be honest enough to admit your contributions to the problems at hand, it would make a fair resolution possible.
I say this because marriage is a complicated landmine, which needs a bold, honest, and firm approach to navigate it to a safe landing. A man deserves respect to continue to function as head of the home while a woman requires care and attention to play her role as wife effectively.
What is missing in your marriage? If those issues are resolved can you live with this man in peace and harmony? You are at that stage in your marriage when the crisis you are facing is making everything appear just in one dull colour. Most marriages go through the process but once able to overcome this period the other hidden beautiful colours will start to emerge.
It is just a matter of you being able to endure this period and focus on the best way to go about sourcing for solutions. However, at the end of the day, let the decision of what you would do come from you and not from those around you. This way you will be able to endure the consequences that come from the position you opted for.
Committing this marriage to the able hands of God will also help you look at other areas you haven’t bothered to look into due to the pains you are currently going through.
Good luck.
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