Please Tell Me Essence Of True Love In Relationship

Dear Agatha,

I thank God for giving us such an intelligent person like you. God in His infinite mercy will continue to bless you with more wisdom, knowledge and understanding. Agatha, I want you to please broaden my knowledge on what dating and relationship entail, I mean, the don’ts and dos of a good relationship. And also what true love is. Please I would be anticipating your reply.

Terry.

Dear Terry, 

It is a process every human being, except those sworn to celibacy goes through in life. At one particular point in life, we are expected to develop special feelings for a member of the opposite sex. 

This special feeling gives birth to love, dating and relationship. 

However, a lot of misconceptions becloud the process, some from ignorance, selfish interests as well as mischief. 

Ideally the process if founded on the right ethics brings so much joy and peace into a person’s life. It makes one so complete and more appreciative of the essence of two different people coming together.

But like every process in life, it has a time and season attached to it. Done in the wrong season it brings along with it shame and pains because of the many responsibilities attached to it.  Contrary to what many think, falling in love isn’t as easy as it appears. Like every process in life, it requires planning and vision to make it work. Therefore a master plan is a necessity when contemplating a relationship to avoid ending up with the wrong partner. The only way to avoid the many mistakes and distresses that shadow relationships is to help yourself define what works for you as well as have a broad knowledge of what it entails to go into one. With this comes the awareness that disappointment is part of the total package, and that when it comes it must be managed in such a way that the couple is able to leave the disappointment behind. 

Like I said, the first step starts from having an idea of what works. Before going into a relationship, you must first know, the kind of partner you would need to help you achieve the goals you have set for yourself in life. You and your partner must be on the same page for things to work between the two of you. Confusion usually sets in when couple is on different page making understanding, appreciation of their differences as well as communication very difficult. 

A lot of time people assume that the success of a relationship begins and ends with falling in love. Granted that love brings two people together, but to keep the flame burning requires limitless sacrifices that come from a deep determination to move things forward. 

Couples without this foresight end up tearing at each other’s throat, exchanging accusations of insensitivity and incompatibility. More often than not, it is this determination driven by the realisation that we come with factory defects that balances the scale in favour of tolerance and friendship in a relationship. 

Friendship is what grows trust and loyalty. When a couple is unable to entrench trust as well as develop loyalty to each other, it becomes increasingly difficult for the two of them to overcome even the slightest shadow of doubt that comes up.  This is why a relationship must be premised on the right values and essence from the beginning. Sex, though an integral part of a relationship, must always be kept in the background until the couple is married. This is because premarital sex has a way of devaluing a relationship as well as robbing the couple of the determination and strength to dig a proper foundation for the relationship to stand. Having sex before marriage doesn’t add anything to a relationship at all. It doesn’t stop relationship from collapsing like packs of cards and doesn’t stop unfaithfulness either. For the woman, the emotional tragedy is monumental when things go wrong because hers is always a double loss of her dignity as a woman and her emotions. 

To have a successful relationship, it is best sex is kept at bay until the couple knows the reason they have come together and what they hope to achieve in the union. Issues like patience, support, respect, perseverance, understanding, loyalty endurance, responsibility, faith, friendship, and sacrifices are issues any couple desirous of having a successful relationship must first tackle and get right before thinking of sex.  No mater how good a couple’s sex life is, if unable to define appropriately the other areas of their life, the relationship will definitely suffer from lack of this foresight.

For you to succeed at having a successful relationship don’t limit yourself to looks and the status. Take time to look at what and whom the person is, those things hidden about the person.  On your part, you must strive at all times to respect the privacy of the person you are in a relationship with. Don’t rush the process of trust or deliberately do anything to instill it. To be enduring, it must be enveloped in sincerity. This is what true love is all about. 

Good luck. 

Lived With Me, Got Him Job, Yet Ungrateful

Dear Agatha, 

I live in England and have this Igbo friend who shares my apartment. My husband resides in the United States and asked I get someone to stay in the house with me, so I won’t be bored since life here can be very lonely. 

This guy has been in my apartment for six months and we have never had a problem for once.

However, one day my 15 months old baby came to him crying, desiring he carried her, rather than pick up the crying baby he ignored her. After some minutes, he turned to address the baby; accusing the baby of snoring like her father. I was taken aback by this comments and instantly registered my displeasure with his comments to my daughter whom I pointed out knows nothing. He said it was a joke. I told him never to make such jokes again.

Agatha, if I expected him to stop after my protests I was wrong. As a matter of fact, that began another pattern in our relationship. Anytime my baby cried, it is either he calls her an embarrassment, ugly like the father or something in line with that. For months I tried to pretend I didn’t notice the things he was saying just to have peace in the house. However on Palm Sunday, I came back from church tired and with the baby in need for another feed. As I was about to feed her, this guy came into the house and my baby ran to him only for him to say to the baby that she cries too much, as is as ugly as the father. I snapped with all the bottled up emotions in me; I made him realize that my husband was better than him any day. He replied me too that he was finer than my husband and that he wasn’t even talking to me, but my baby.   

His response and attitude was more than I could tolerate so we went into hot exchange of words. It got so bad; he threatened to slap me. I was too angry to care, so I dared him to.

After everything, I decided to apologise being the holy week. I wanted to celebrate Easter with an open mind. When I tendered my apologies to him, he said he was only joking. I told him I didn’t like that kind of joke. He went to say that rather than apologise to my daughter and I, he would rather move out of the house. 

Agatha, I have always treated this guy like my own brother, feeding him with my money, using my husband’s name to get him a job since he doesn’t have official papers. I feel bad about his behaviour. When I told my husband what happened, he pleaded with me to forgive him but I don’t ever want to talk to him again. He would be moving out at the end of this month. 
He now tells people that I am too hard, that he has stayed with women before but my own is different that I don’t just give chances at all. So tell me if I should answer him or ignore him? And where I went wrong? 

Taylor.

Dear Taylor,

Life is potpourri of the good, the bad and ugly. That you feed and give him your husband’s connection obviously doesn’t hold water for this man. 

In the first place, it was a bit of a risk for you to take someone you didn’t know very well into your home and someone of opposite sex from you. Being careful has nothing to do with the amount of trust your husband has in you but that of your image and safety. A person that can openly antagonize your baby and husband is capable of doing and saying anything about you. 

His resentment towards your husband and baby didn’t start when he began to voice them out. It must have started long before he erupted. You just didn’t see the signs early enough. It took his outburst to make you see it. 

From everything he has done to all the things you claimed he said to your baby, there appears to be a resentment against your husband which if not intelligently managed by you could lead to more troubles in your home especially as his agenda isn’t clear to you.

Though you appear to have the trust of your husband now, it might not be easy to convince him that you are innocent if this guy decides to blackmail you by accusing you of something that didn’t happen between the two of you.

Even if he eventually changes his mind about leaving, please don’t make the mistake of keeping him in your home. Let him go and say whatever pleases him to people about you. Don’t be bothered about what he says or doesn’t say. Gossips and backbiting have always been part of human existence. So don’t allow this worry you or make you change your mind about him leaving your home. 

Some relationships strive best when kept at a distant. This doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven him or that you habour any grudge in your heart against him but just application of wisdom in dealings with him. 

There is also the need for you to protect your baby from the likelihood of physical abuse. Using such strong words on a child is wrong and could cause that child to have a psychological problem in the future once she begins to understand the meaning of the words being used on her. Telling a child that he or she is as ugly as the father isn’t a nice thing to say to any child. It could cause the child to grow up with an inferiority complex and being a girl could make her hate herself as well as develop some bitter feelings against the father whose look she inherited. 

No matter the problem he might be having with you, using such language on your baby presents him as insensitive, callous and selfish. 

Sincerely, it would do you a world of good to keep your distance from this man as well as keep your baby away from him especially between now and the time he leaves your home at the end of the month.

One thing you should also be careful of and which you must never do is give your husband’s documents to another person to use. With those documents he could do something sinister to your husband especially as he seemed to have developed some kind of inexplicable hatred for him.        

It might be in your interest as well as that of your husband to seek the opinion of your lawyer on the papers you gave him to work. Allow your lawyer to guide you on the steps to take to protect your husband from the wrong use of that paper. But first tell your husband what you did with his papers as well as the suggestion you see a lawyer to protect his interest in case this man decides to be mischievous.

The lesson for you in all these is to be careful whom you share your space and time with.  Always ask for the leading of God before you do anything to prevent regrettable and avoidable situations.

Good luck. 

Pains In My Testicles: Can Masturbation Be Of Any Help?

Dear Agatha, 

Thanks for previously helping me out of my masturbation problem. 

About two weeks ago, I noticed severe pain in my testicles making sex a no go area for me. 

However, I notice that when I masturbate the pain reduces. 

Please help me and urgently too since I don’t want to go back to my vomit. 

A Friend.

Dear A Friend, 

Go and see a doctor as soon as possible. Pains in the testicles could be an undertone for a more serious medical problem. The testicle is very important to the man because where sperms are manufactured, and any damage to it could lead to your being sterile. If you continue to ignore it, using the act of masturbation as a cure, you risk doing more damage to a situation, which a minor treatment now can reverse. 

The fact that masturbation is giving you some relief shows that there is blockage somewhere and only a doctor can tell what your medical situation really is. 

When it comes to cases bothering on one’s reproductive health, ensure you don’t patronize quacks, go to a very good hospital or any of the government hospitals nearest to you. 

It is important you don’t delay what could just be a routine check for now. 

Good luck. 

Sadist To Supervise My Project…

Dear Agatha,
I’m a 400- level History student. My problem is choosing who will be the supervisor of my project among the many lecturers I have. 

Agatha, the one assigned to me is a retired head of service and I think   full of wisdom which is why I listed him among the lecturers to pick for my project.

However to my dismay some students originally assigned to this lecturer have changed to other supervisors on the grounds that he is strict; that where other lecturers would turn a blind eye, he would insist on things being done correctly. 

With every sense of modesty I am good at my studies, a fact recognized by even this lecturer who often praises me before others. For this reason I don’t want anything to jeopardize our relation because he is bound to notice my poor communication skills. I’ve between now and October to submit my project. Most of my colleagues have at least submitted their proposals while some have actually started writing. 

My fear is that I might be the only student he may supervise since other students have rejected him for being too strict.

Agatha, in addition to his strictness, he lashes out at students, thus embarrasses them. What more, he enjoys speaking in Latin and seems to enjoying his nature to the detriment of others. Though he is generous with well-meaning advice, he is too harsh and irrational for my peace of mind. 

Although I have written for a change of supervisor taking my limited time, but given the limited time I have as well as the fact that I don’t know the other lecturers well enough, I am confused. 

An old student familiar with him that I discussed my dilemma with encouraged me to go ahead with him as my supervisor. That it is only students who are not sure of themselves that run away from him. 

I want to be properly guided; want to look before jumping into a lake of fire.

 Please advise me, I promise to abide with your suggestions.  

Bernete.

Dear Bernete, 

If you are confident in yourself, sure that you merit the degree you have gone to school to earn, should it matter if this man is harsh or not?

Besides what is the essence of education? If you meet a man like him as your boss, husband or father-in-law, would ask your organization to change him, quit the marriage or your husband to disown him simply because you are afraid to embrace the challenge he represents?

This man is part of your training in the university. He is part of the informal side of your education at the university. The real world is a place you will meet a kaleidoscope of people, persons you have to learn to cope with, endure and find ways of living with. We all come with our peculiarities as well as factory defects, not even identical twins have the same attitude towards life. 

Your education isn’t complete without you also learning how to manage challenging situations like the one this lecturer represents and persons. By learning to manage him now, you score higher than all those who are frightened by whom he is. This is one lesson that would remain indelible throughout your life because outside the university is a school of life, one in which you must daily write your thesis, get score and continue. You need the experience of this man in its ramification to sail through similar pitfalls in the new world you are graduating into. 

It would therefore be your interest to endure his harshness and lessons. He represents the reality of the real world, a world in which you have to be up and about to make things happen; a world you have to define your character, assess your chances and make a bid for the best life has to offer. Trust me, the real world is not for cowards, like that old student graciously told you; it is for real people, with guts and determination to succeed where others are recording failures. 

Being harsh and strict doesn’t make him wicked. He is only trying to gauge your preparedness to face the world outside. He also wants to know how well you can defend your degree. As a student, who is sure of self, you shouldn’t what he thinks of your communication skill; he is paid to ensure you graduate with the best results; he there to help correct your mistakes; besides nobody is an island. There are areas too he has to seek for the help and opinion of others to get going. Isn’t it better he corrects you now than for you to be disgraced by a boss who is very sensitive to mistakes, who would in public glare ask you if you ever went to school? 

As a student one willing to be the best, subject yourself to his authority.  

This lesson isn’t going to last forever. This is the time you need him, need his grooming to be one of the best your field has to offer the world. Stick with him because God never makes a mistake in His choice for us. To get the purest of gold, both metal and goldsmith have to endure the heat longer than the rest. It is what takes mere good to premium quality. His perceived harshness is what would transform you from a mere good student to the best of the pack.

Good luck.