He threatens to poison us after raping my cousin

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a 13 year old girl and in JSS 3. Three weeks ago, my father’s youngest brother came to live with us. He is about 18 and seeking admission into the university. I overhead my parents describing him as the black sheep of the family because of the many problems he always gets into. At about the same time, my mother’s younger sister who was having problems with her marriage dropped her daughter who is about my age with us. My mother told me she will be living with us too because her mother cannot take care of her and her two other brothers as a result of the problems she was having with her husband and his family. Being an only child, I was happy for the company of my cousin. It will be the first time we would be staying together even though I have met her on three or four occasions. My mother runs a gift item shop while my father is a businessman. Most of the time, my cousin and I are always on our own. I really don’t know how or what happened but the only thing I know is that I found my cousin crying in the bedroom with bloodstained pants. She said my father’s brother raped her. When I challenged him, he threatened to poison us all if ever consider telling my parents but promised not to repeat the incident again if I don’t. I am very afraid of him. My cousin and I are scared he will do it again. At the same time, we don’t want to die. I don’t know what to do. Please help me. My friends say we should put one chemical they taught us in chemistry class in his drink since he likes soft drinks a lot; that it will make him stop harassing my cousin. I am afraid it might kill him since we are told it is poisonous. Please help us. Emmanuela. Dear Emmanuela, Don’t hesitate to inform your parents. His threat to poison your entire family is to stop you from broadcasting what he has done to your parents. Once a rapist; always a rapist, there is no changing the fact. There is nothing to stop him from continuing in his devilish desires of your cousin’s body. And if you are not careful, he will pounce on you too eventually. More than anything else, consider the trauma of your poor innocent cousin whose life your uncle is destroying by taking advantage of her. How would you feel in her shoes? The fact that you know and unwillingly to fight on her behalf, makes you at the end of it all, also guilty. She is your guest and as such entitled to your protection. What if she gets pregnant through this? What stories will you be telling then? Besides, in her attempt to protect herself from shame, she could attempt an abortion on her own which if it doesn’t result in her dying, could end up creating a lifetime problem for her. So you see, the issue here is more than the rape itself to the many complications that face women as a result of unprotected sex. It is when you broadcast your intentions that he will make good his threats to poison your family. When your parents come, go to your mother and report the incident to her. Let her also know about his threat to get you all poisoned. This is important so that proper medical attention can be given to your cousin whose body maybe housing unwanted pregnancy or some forms of Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) he may have transmitted to her. Besides, she needs some help to recover from the ordeal of the rape as well as protection. The fact that she came into your house as a result of the problems her own parents are currently having makes it imperative for her to be given all the attention and help to come back to herself. The complexity of her case is enveloped in the issues that brought her to live with you. Like every normal person, she is bound to blame her parents’ failure to protect their own marriage as the reason for her ordeal in your house. If she hadn’t come to stay, there is no way your uncle would have had the opportunity to rape her. And if you believe the lie of your uncle to kill everybody and he continues to rape her, she would come to hate you at the end of it all. Living with the hate of someone is worse than anything else since it exposes you to untold difficulties in life. There is no telling what a hateful heart is able to do to a person it hates. It is capable of killing especially if your life turns out better and more defined that hers. The combination of the failure of her parents’ marriage and the issue of her rape if not properly handled could change her attitude towards men and marriage later in future. As it is now, you are the only one who can really offer her the assurance of love and provide her with something to hope for. Telling your parents will make a lot of difference in the eventual decision of this young lady who clearly is in need of stability and help. Don’t come to his level by trying to poison him. I know how great the temptation is but, to do that would be to take laws into your hands. At the end of the day, nobody would judge him by the crime he had committed but, by you and your cousin taking laws into your hands. It would be a case of murder because there is no telling what kind of chemical your friends are suggesting you lace his drinks with. Both of you are too young to carry such a burden for life. It would be cancelling one wrong with another equally terrible criminal offence. Besides you haven’t even told your parents about it so why opt for something so hash? Stop sourcing for help from your friends. Your parents are well equipped and in a position to handle the matter effectively. What your friends are suggesting is cold blood murder; one that will end up destroying your parents and everyone in the family. And if you cannot tell your parents, please send their numbers to me so I can tell them myself. Good luck.

I am in love with my brother

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please help me resolve this problem I am having with my mother’s eldest son. She gave birth to him long before she met and married my father. We didn’t grow up together because his father took him from my mother when he was still young. He didn’t even allow him come visit my mother. But he decided to come when his father died. From all indices, he is well to do. Right from the very first day I met him, I fell in love with him. I want him like I have never desired any man. I have tried to control my emotions but the more I try, the harder it becomes for me to stop my feelings for him. He recently came to our mother to introduce the woman he intends to marry. I hate her with a passion because she has what belongs to me. How do I get him to love me and forget about the woman in his life? Although some of my friends say what I feel for him isn’t permitted but we don’t have the same father which means I can marry him isn’t it? Please tell me it is right for me to pursue him; that I can marry him. He is everything I have ever wanted in a man. On account of what I feel for him, I terminated my relationship with my former boyfriend. Another thing is how do I go about presenting my desire to him? Teena. Dear Teena, You are in love with your own brother and you don’t see anything wrong with it? Your mother’s eldest child; the same person you shared her womb space with? Crush immediately whatever prompted those feelings inside of you and face reality. Everywhere in the world the mother’s ties are the strongest and most deep. A mother’s womb unifies and is the key to the strength of her children because of the presence of the umbilical cord. You and this man you claim to be in love with share the same umbilical cord; the kind that cannot be broken or denied. Falling in love with him therefore spells doom for not just you but for your mother and other siblings as well. You will also be affecting the relationship between your father and mother. No matter how hard it may appear, perish the feelings you have for him by going back to your former boyfriend. Appeal to him over whatever you told him is the reason for your leaving him. Irrespective of whatever the issues are, you can both make it work. You need your former boyfriend and the relationship you have with him to rout the unholy feelings you have for your brother and to subsequently resist the tendency for it to grow back again. It isn’t every feeling that we experience is allowed to grow. Common sense and the law of moral decency demand you abort this one because it would amount to incense. If nothing else, consider the pains of your mother if she knows that her daughter is in love with her son. Try putting yourself in her shoes if in later years as a mother you discover such an abominable thing between your children. That you both didn’t grow up together doesn’t erase the fact that he is your brother. Getting close to God will help you recover completely. Good luck.

My friend made me betray him

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, What can I do to win back the love I lost through my carelessness? Two years ago, my boyfriend was so much in love with me; so much so I could do no wrong in his opinion. Even when his mother made it very obvious she didn’t want me for a daughter-in-law, my boyfriend told her she was welcomed to her opinion just as he reserved the right to his choice of a wife. He was so much in love with me I thought I he could always turn a blind eye to my faults. There was no doubting his trust for me and mine for him. Many of our friends envied the kind of understanding we both displayed to each other. This foolishness made me to accept the suggestions of my friend that I put our love to test by pretending to be dating another man. According to her, it would be the final proof of his love for me. She said a woman cannot be so categorical about the feelings of her man towards her unless she subjected him to some forms of tests. The game plan was to be calling my mysterious boyfriend right in his presence; and sending love messages to him. We agreed that we would use another number of hers, not registered on my phone. Unknown to me it was a ploy by my so called friend to destroy the relationship between my boyfriend and I. Because the number isn’t on my phone, any message I sent her, she would forward to my boyfriend and give the phone to her brother to answer it whenever my boyfriend called the number to ask who was sending the messages. Through this brother of hers, she was able to really convince my boyfriend that I was actually having an affair unknown to me. But, whenever I called the number, she would pick it up personally. I didn’t suspect what was going on until it became a real issue between my boyfriend and I. By the time I told him it was all a joke to see how much he cared about it me, the harm had been done. He was already convinced beyond reasons that I was indeed dating another man. To make the matter more complex was the denial of my friend of this arrangement between us. Being my close friend, he believed her. For almost 18 months, he refused to have anything to do with me despite the interventions of his friends and even his mother. At a time, he changed his number, left town and I couldn’t get through to him again. When his friends gave me the new number, he changed his number again. I was almost giving up hope of anything between us when he suddenly came back in October last year to see me. I later got to know from him that my friend tried to force him into a relationship with her and that the condition he gave her for anything between them was to tell him the truth concerning what really transpired between the two of us. In her desperation to have him, she admitted to our arrangement and told him how she always handed the phone to her brother to talk to him whenever he called the number to find out who it was sending love messages to me. Despite finding out the truth, he is still very angry with me for agreeing to such a suggestion. His anger is fuelled by his believe that I don’t trust him enough despite everything he has done to be opened to me. Although he has technically come back to me but he is withdrawn; not the man that left me several months ago. His mother who strangely has become my ally says I should let him be for now-that he would get over the feelings of anger eventually. He has also banned me from keeping friends. My pleas that not all my friends are like my former best friend have fallen on deaf ears. I love him with all my heart but I don’t know how to handle this new him or find the warmth in his heart for me. Do help me. I love him so dearly and already seven weeks pregnant for him. I just want to win him back again. We are getting married by the first week of February Confused Lady. Dear Confused Lady, One way to ensure you win him back is to invest unconditional love into him and your relationship. His mother is right, ignore whatever attitude he is putting up now; he hasn’t said he isn’t in love with you or that he is no longer interested in spending the rest of his life with you. besides you two are getting married. for a man that is cold towards you, agreeing to marry you is evidence of his love. He is only hurt that despite his transparency, you still doubted his love for you sufficiently as to put your relationship under the kind of threat you did. In his shoes, you will also feel the kinds of emotions he is feeling. To whom much is given, much is expected. You should never have listened to your friend or anybody for that matter. Being his woman, you should have stood in total support and trust for your husband. What if he didn’t trick your friend to tell him the truth? He could have lost the only woman he obviously cared so much for. So you see, it isn’t just about you but also him, his life and dream. No man wants to spend the rest of his life with a woman he doesn’t have natural connection with. Having met and loved you, it would have been impossible for him to settle for less. Besides the anguish of thinking he was wrong about you when he thought you were two-timing him, there is also the emotional trauma you put him through by your foolish agreement with your friend. Such feelings don’t disappear in a day. It will take him sometime before he can relax in very well in your presence. Besides, he needs to be assured that you won’t go betting with his heart and future again with another friend of yours. It couldn’t have been a tea party for him to wake up one day to discover that the woman he has invested so much into may not be the right woman. Finding out that you didn’t even consider how he felt or how your decision will affect him and his feelings for you must have cut a very deep wound in him. One way to make up is to do exactly as he has requested; keep your friends at bay. Don’t bring them too close besides, having friends now should be the last thing on your mind if you really want this man fully back into your life. As a matter of fact, he shouldn’t be the one requesting you to do away with friends; after what you went through in the hands of a close friend, you should not wait for him to tell you how to relate with your current set of friends. If your so called best friend can betray you in this manner, it is only reasonable for him to wonder and be apprehensive about your other friends. The first step towards thawing him is to let go of these friends; it will give him some confidence in your ability to reason rationally as well as his place in your heart. The kernel of the issue at hand is his place in your heart and life. Just as he has made you his pride, he desires you make him your essence too. Expecting his baby gives you all the reason in the world to bring him close. Drag him into your excitement by including him in every plan you make for the baby. Let him be the one complaining about not having the time to accompany you to the hospital, shops and whatever you want to do. Place him high up in your preference scale. Seek his opinion about the kinds of things you want to buy for the baby. Get him to read books, watch films that have to do with babies together. Envelop him in the excitement of having this baby. The ploy is to take his mind off the issue that happened in the past, to introduce him to many exciting things ahead and to engage his mind on his new responsibility to you and his child. The enthusiasm of having a baby as well as getting married to you at last will go a long way in helping to quell his acrimony towards you. Importantly, always learn to be obedient to your husband by placing his happiness and love about everything else. What he needs is a simple assurance of your love, trust and belief in his person. You are lucky he came back because not many men would come back after 18 months or after the incident. Some would think, you agreed to that suggestion from your friend because you have it in you to play around. Good luck.