He is 12 years older than me

Dear Agatha,
God will continue to bless you for your investment in the emotional lives of people.  I love my boyfriend dearly and he also adores me. He ensures I never lack anything but the problem I am having has to do with his age. He is 12 years older than I am. He also finds it difficult to save. Please advise me as you would your younger sister. 

Worried Lady.

Dear Worried Lady, 

Is he a married man? If no, what is his history as well as plans for you? What are your own ideas too of an ideal man? Does he give you happiness? Are you always at peace when with him? Are you able to discuss with him, share each other’s thoughts, challenges and plans? Is he caring, understanding, tolerant, selfless, responsible and respectful of your person? Is he loyal, someone you can depend on? Do you have faith in each other and above all are you both friends? Is he mature enough emotionally to deal with a woman in his life? What precisely is it that makes you uncomfortable with his age? Is it the way he dresses or the simple fact that you have it at the back of your mind that he is older than you by 12 years?

These are the real issues and not the age. Granted there could be men in your life younger than he is but are they as caring and responsible? The natural law is for a man to be older than the woman in his life. From time immemorial, women have married older men because they are considered more mature and understanding than younger men who don’t have the patience to deal with a woman. However unless you are definite about what you want, you may not have the extra guts to stay with him.

You must answer the question of who is complaining: you or your friends? Has your reservation got to do with the fact that you think your friend may be mocking your choice of a man; laughing behind you at the age of your man? Or your inability to cope with what you think people are thinking when you see your friends with their younger boyfriends? Are you more concerned about not being able to visit the same places with him that your friends would go with their younger boyfriends? What exactly makes you uncomfortable about the age differences between the two of you? Until you are honestly able, you will continue to make it a problem in your relationship. In your interest, you must first resolve this uneasiness to enable you give unconditionally to this man. Ask yourself what is most important to you: a man who cares passionately about you or one who is young but lacks basic respect and sensitivity to your feelings?

Learn to be very honest with yourself at this critical point because it gets to a stage in our lives when things we thought were important are no longer important. In later years, would you regret your decision to do away with this man simply because he is 12 years older than you are? One is happier when one has learnt the vital lesson of being able patent one’s life to suit one’s nature. Subjecting your own life and choices to the views of others often than not, destroys one’s happiness as well as focus. Be bold enough to live your dreams without apologies to anybody. The world is too fleeting, untrustworthy and unstable to be entrusted with one’s happiness.

Candidly, if this man meets your expectation as a woman, loves you and is caring, don’t make the mistake of ending the relationship; there is no man or woman for that matter who comes complete. What you think isn’t right with this man may be the best feature of the other man.

Learn to place your priority else you would end up with more regrets.

Good luck. 

How do I make her know I love her

Dear Agatha,

I met this girl during my primary school days and became friends during our last days in school. We had a little problem, which nearly cost us our friendship.

 About seven years after, we met each other again and she showed where she stays. I am contemplating visiting her at home but don’t know what to say or present my feelings to her. Can you help me?

Chan

Dear Chan, 

Go to her house and tell her precisely what you feel for her, but first propose friendship and not love. Considering the fact that both of you have been apart for a long time, it is best to begin whatever you have in mind on the platform of friendship.

This is because she may not be exactly the same person you knew then. To prevent something that has the capacity of transiting into something very beautiful, don’t rush anything or assume you know so much about her. By offering her friendship, the chance to catch up on old times gives you and her the chance to get to each other again, find out what has gone out of the two of you and what new things are in. This way, you would be able to know what you are going into as well as the things to avoid in the relationship.

Whatever you both had in the past is a long time. Primary school is where innocence dwells. Both of you are now more mature, focused and real on some issues you both took for granted or simply fantasised about. 

No longer are the birds and bees stories for you. You are grown enough to know that life is an institution of responsibilities and choices. If nothing you now know that falling in love isn’t the boy meets the girl thing alone. You both must take responsibilities for falling in love and be prepared for the choices that follow each action you both take.

Study each other intensely first to prevent regrets. This way, you won’t have to labour too hard to convince her on anything on your first date or subsequent ones. If the chemistry is right and you are comfortable with each other, you won’t even notice when you progress to the next stage of declaring what you each feel for the other. 

Good luck.

I sent my mother-in-law out of my matrimonial home

Dear Agatha,

Thank you for your selfless service to countless people out there. I am sure you know only God can pay you because none of us can ever compensate you enough for the time and thoughts you put into other people’s problem.

In the last couple of weeks I have been going through severe headache in my marriage and it is already affecting my relationship with my husband, who thinks I am making a mountain out of molehill.

His mother came some few weeks back to help me with my first-born but the visit is turning out to be a pain in the neck. She is very dirty in every sense of the word. I end up scrubbing the bathroom after she takes her bath, washing the toilet whenever she goes in there. All my pots and kitchen are black due to the way she uses the stove. I dear not entrust her to use of the gas cooker. She is also in the habit of using her cloth to dab the baby’s mouth.

I have tried correcting her on the proper use of these things as well as how to keep them clean but she keeps doing the very things I ask her not to do.

Because of this, I have stopped her from carrying my baby since I cannot vouch for her personal hygiene. I have also refused her going into my kitchen to do anything because of the mess she is making of everything and the effort I put into cleaning the place again.  

As a result, she told her son that she would want to return to the village prompting him to ask if she isn’t happy staying with him. I guess she must have said something to the effect that I wasn’t allowing her carrying the baby because my husband came to ask me why I didn’t want his mother access to the baby. I tried to explain his mother’s dirty nature and how I fear she might infect the baby with avoidable germs. He didn’t take kindly to my remarks and actually accused me of being rude to his mother.

I had actually sent for my mother before this incident happened. When my mother came, he initially didn’t say anything but began to raise dust when it looked like I had invited my mother to come and care for the baby and I. 

This really infuriated him. He said not only did I not discuss my mother’s coming with him but stopped his mother from having anything to do with his child. When I reminded him that the baby is as much mine as well as his, he called me all sorts on unprintable names and told me to ask my mother to leave his house. He also said if I was a good wife, I should have tolerated his mother because it was her first time of leaving the village to come to the city.

Although I have threatened to go with my mother, the truth is I love my husband and don’t want a broken home on my hands. Agatha, please tell me how to make amends because I’m no longer enjoying my home especially as his mother insisted on going back to the village to care for her farm and goats. Since his mother left he has also been keeping late nights and refusing to eat at home.

What can I do to remedy the situation in my home?

Bukky.

Dear Bukky, 

The first thing is to find ways of getting your mother-in-law to come back and telling your mother to go back until the situation in your home improves. You didn’t act well. Being her first time in the city, you should have been more understanding that she wasn’t doing the things you complained of deliberately. If she had never taken her bath in the kind of bathroom you have or used a water system, how do you expect her to adjust without first making a mess of the place? All you needed to have done is to help her to adjust with a little bit of patience.

Rather than tell your mother to come without informing your husband, you should have first raised the issue of his mother’s habits with him before telling your mother to come. 

You acted without respect and consideration for your husband. You neglected to remember that this man in whose house you are in now and with whom you have this child, grew up with that same woman. If she didn’t infest him with any kind of diseases what makes you think your child would be infected? Granted, you may not be comfortable with her hygiene but you should have been more diplomatic in your reactions. 

For instance, rather than allow her go into the kitchen, you could volunteer to be cooking the meals giving the excuse that the gas, which she doesn’t know how to operate is faster and that you too would like to care for her as her daughter. To make sure she doesn’t feel left out, you could invite her to teach you how to cook those special meals your husband grew up eating in the village. 

On the issue of bathroom and its proper usage, it is a simple case of you inviting her to help you scrub your back or massage your body while you are taking your bath. Purposely, keep her in the bathroom with an interesting discussion until you finish. Pour water on the walls to rinse of the soap forms as well as the bathtub if there is one to show how to keep the place tidy after use. Clean the floor with a mop or rag. This way you don’t have to tell her how to do it but show her through your own example how a bathroom is kept clean after a bath. Do this for about two or three days consistently before gently telling her how to clean up after her.

If she agrees to return, turn her visit into fun. Get to know more about the values and culture of your husband, his likes and dislikes. 

Apologise to your husband and his mother. Let her know that you made a mistake by the way you acted and that you are more than ready to make her visit this time around memorable. Your husband is only reacting to the way you treated his mother. Once you make a U-turn, he would forgive you. 

Whatever happens, learn to see your mother-in-law as an extension of the man you love. This way it would be easier to deal with any disappointment you may encounter in her attitude.

Good luck.

Doubt if she can be good partner

Dear Agatha, 

I am engaged to a woman who from observations of her attitude and behaviours would not give me a peaceful home. But the issue is that I love her so much and she does same thing to me too. The question I want to ask is whether I should go ahead to still marry her despite all that flaws I have noticed in her character?

Worried Fiancé.

Dear Worried Fiancé,

Marriage is a journey you go into well prepared. Even though it is a product of sentimental feelings, only reality gives substance to it. It is a journey of determination, sacrifices, understanding, fellowship, friendship, tolerance, understanding, patience, respect, responsibilities, loyalty and endurance. It is also something one goes into full of wisdom.

Furthermore, a couple must strive to patent its marriage to make it work well. 

A home that lacks peace cannot develop beyond a level. While it is true that it takes two to make a marriage work, the truth is that it takes one very patient partner to make it work. There is no mortgaging peace in the home. If you are determined to marry this woman despite all the issues you have against her behaviour and attitude, you must be ready to be the patient partner. The one who would make the most sacrifices, give the most and who would be ready at all times to look the other way when issues come up in the marriage.  

Do have such elasticity to endure the pains of unconditional sacrifices? This is the kind of sacrifice that demands you at times forget that you head the home simply for peace to reign. 

Sometimes this kind of sacrifice could cost you the friendship of some of your friends and family members who would attribute your attitude to the power of witchcraft by your wife. This is the kind of attitude that would make you enjoy the marriage. One thing is to go into marriage with idealism another, is to go into it with reality. 

You would have no excuse later in future if you come back to begin to complain about this woman because she has been honest with you in displaying who she is to you. Other women would have tried to hide their bad sides, but showing you in details of who she is, gives you the ample opportunity to think properly on your decision to spend the rest of your life with her before going into it. 

Be very honest with yourself, can you cope with all these differences for the rest of your life? Do you have the temperament and maturity to ignore her when she starts misbehaving? Do you have what it takes to step aside and allow her have the centre stage when the need arises?

Marriage is not a bed of roses. Before one can get to the roses, the person must first deal with the sharp thorns of the stem that guard the rose flowers. 

The final decision is yours to make. If you know you have what it takes, go ahead as long as you are able to define the peace you want around her kind of person and not what you think. In life the ultimate decision is always ours to make, God ensured that by giving us the right of freewill. You are the one at the centre of it all, who would wear the shoes and live with the decisions you make today. As long as you have properly thought about it, know that you would find it hard to get a woman to replace her in your life. Whatever her shortcomings are, you would be able to manage them. To help you further, learn to be her best friend. It is always easier to be very accommodative of a friend than a lover. You must learn to do things together as a team. This is the only way for you to be helping yourself find that peace in your choice of a partner.

But if you know, you can’t, don’t bother to go beyond this point because on the long run, you will out of frustration end the marriage.

Move away from her for a while, a holiday to think of what your life would be without her. Pinpoint that special thing in her; let it be in your mind because when the challenges come. It is that special feature about her that would make it easy for you to endure the aspects of her you don’t like. 

The essence of being on your own is the fact that you may not be able to pinpoint precisely what makes her extra-ordinary if you two are together. Such things are best found out when alone, away from the person. You really need to do this for the sake of what you share.

Aside this fact, learn from now that we are all imperfect and that just as she has her own weakness so you have yours. Marriage is a matter of blending our differences to get a wholesome picture. 

It is also pertinent you call her to discuss your fears with her. She may not have had the privilege of being told that what she is doing is bad. Besides unless told by someone close to us, that special person in our lives, we seldom take serious views of other people about us. Confronted with the fear of losing someone she loves so much, she would put in extra effort to change her attitude to a certain degree. It may not be total but her efforts when combined with your resolve to tolerate her would add up to give you the kind of home you want. It may not be precisely what you have in mind but it would be very close to it.

In addition, you must also learn to take the lead in prayers because there is nothing God cannot do.

Good luck. 

He is more interested in my body

Dear Agatha, 

I am 17 years of age. I met my boyfriend when I was 16. He promised to marry me in five years time. He is fond of fondling and sucking my breasts. I love him so much and he claims to love me as well. But I have this fear he is only interested in my breasts. When I tell him such a thing is reserved for married couple, he says he is willing to wait for me. He is through with his studies and promises to marry me once I am ready. He has his own businesses and I know him and his siblings very well. I am in SS. 3.

Joyce. 

Dear Joyce, 

If he loves you, tell him to wait for you. At 17, you are too young and have too much to lose if this thing he is doing to you degenerates to full blown lovemaking. He has graduated; you haven’t even finished secondary school. You still have to go through the university to be ready to settle down.

You may get to the university and discover you don’t have the same kind of feelings you have for him now. There is every possibility that you may discover that the qualities you think you see in him now are not really what you want in the man you plan to spend the rest of your life with; this realization would definitely motivate your need to move on with your life. The decision may not be so easy if you are involved sexually because sex has a way of interfering with sound judgment of a potentially contentious issue in a relationship. Sex, only serves as a useful bond in a well defined relationship like marriage. Until a relationship calumniates in marriage, it is still a promissory note hence the need for a young girl like you whose future is premised on whatever decisions she takes today to be extremely careful.

At 17, the risks of allowing him touch you in your sensitive zones are too much to contemplate. Because your hormones are developing and questing for fulfillment, coupled with the natural inquisitiveness of the youths, you both could get to a point of no return and go into full blown lovemaking. It might just happen when you are most susceptible to getting pregnant. Even though pregnancy is the most touted risk, it is actually the least of the many dangers a woman who engages in premature or unprotected sex could incur. Many girls have had their wombs damaged beyond repairs, weakened their wombs due to repeated abortions, reduced their chances of becoming mothers as a result of this too. Some are not so lucky to be alive to even tell the story of their lives while others end up with one form of Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD) or the other. The risk is often more heavy on the side of the woman.

There are also some pregnancies a woman would have no choice but keep because they come with severe threat to her own life. How would you feel if at this stage in your life, you get pregnant and have to keep the baby? How would you feel if you have to write your final examinations pregnant? Can you withstand the shame, the stress, disappointment of your parents and friends? How would you feel when you are at home nursing and changing diapers while your friends are going to school and enjoying the freedom and fun of their age? Think of the time you would use in catching up with the people who were once your contemporaries. As a matter of fact, only few lucky women get back on track after such an experience.

Besides, aborting pregnancy in itself is a sin against God. Some women without obvious medical problems simply just cannot conceive again after aborting a pregnancy.

There is no way he would encourage you at this age to keep a pregnancy at this stage of your life.  Your best option is for you to stay away from him. He should allow you grow up, get mature and in a position to make objective decisions concerning your life. That you know his parents, siblings or that he has businesses you know of, is not the issue here; what is the kind of life and future you want for yourself. Any man who has respect for his woman, particularly one as young as you must learn to apply self control at all times. To be able to weather this storm, refuse to be in a lonely place with him. Sincerely, he may desire not to touch you but the temptations of being alone with you could actually make him break his own promise. The chemistry between a man and woman could at times be too potent to handle.

Furthermore, the issue of a man and marriage should not be your concern now. What you should be concentrating on is passing your examinations and completing your education. This way you will put yourself in a good platform to bargain your respect with any man in future. There would be plenty of time for men later in life.

Good luck.