With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I pray to God to give you more strength in doing your good work.
Please, I need your help in this matter. I am a lady of 27 years of age and who has been praying for a God fearing man to marry.
Recently, a man just walked in to my office with the offer of marriage after just three weeks of our meeting.
I am so confused about it all. In the first place, he isn’t a Catholic, doesn’t even attend any church neither is he baptised.
He lacks all the qualities I want in a man and isn’t the kind of man I want to spend the rest of my life with. But he hasn’t stopped disturbing me for my hand in marriage. He wants us to be engaged without even meeting my people. Please help me.
Perpetual.
Dear Perpetual,
What are you confused about? That he is interested in you or the fact that you know he lacks the kind of qualities you want in a man? As a young woman, different men would always come to express an interest in you. Just as they are different, so would be their objectives of wanting you to be in their lives or methods of getting you to play to their music.
As a woman, you must always be on the alert to read the men coming your way correctly. You must always be way ahead of them because you are the one who gets to bear the brunt of any mistake or mischief embedded in their offers of interest in you.
You can only achieve this, by being clearheaded, realistic and determined about what you hope for in life.
If you know what you want from life, you will have a clear vision of what would work for you.
Marriage is a lot more serious than the way you and this man are taking it.
In the first place, it is a journey of forever, hence your choice must be based on harmony, friendship, loyalty, trust, a fair knowledge of the character of the person as well as the presence of God to make things happen in the marriage.
To marry someone you don’t know is loading the marriage with two many gambles. While every decision to marry is itself a game of chance, to overload it with too many hazards is to stifle it before it even has a chance of survival.
First, if really interested in you, he should grow the necessary patience to do things properly. You both have your entire lifetimes ahead of you. The best things in life are those things we are willing to wait for. If indeed he finds you priceless, like gold, he should grow the patience and resilience of the goldsmith. The best gold is the one whose goldsmith is willing to endure the heat of the fire. If he sees you as a precious gold, encourage him to exercise staying power for now. He should properly court you, find out who you are, the real person behind the mask he wants to marry. He should also give you the opportunity of knowing who he really is, study him like a book, know his shortcoming as well as his strength, determine the kinds of sacrifices would be needed to make the marriage last forever.
This chance to know him will help you evaluate him better. The fact that you don’t see anything of interest in him now may be because you don’t know him, beyond his front cover. There is no way a book can be correctly judged from its cover design. Unless one takes time out to read the book, valuable lessons and reasons may be lost.
You will never rightly know the person behind his image on this chance encounter. He also has to be sure what he sees in you is strong enough to keep him by your side forever.
Since he is the one who wants marriage, don’t be afraid to make positive demands of your own. Tell him you need time to think, study and make a decision concerning his proposal.
God often doesn’t give us what we want in the shape we want. Coming at the time you are asking God for a husband is more reason why you should look beyond your own qualities to God’s emphasis for you. Don’t overlook the fact that God may be testing your own readiness for marriage as well as your dependence on Him.
You each must be able to exercise certain control over each other. If you are able to slow him down a little bit, made him understand that a marriage needs proper foundation to survive the quakes of two strangers coming together to make a home, you would have won a major victory in your attempt at navigating this relationship to the right shores.
It is only after you have had the chance of getting to know him, that you can correctly say if he has the qualities you want in a man or not.
For now, give both of you the chance to get to know yourselves by insisting on a relationship first. Let him know that marriage comes after a successful relationship and not the other way round.
Good luck.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
She finds it hard to let go her ex…
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a man of 37 years of age and really need to get married. My seven years old relationship recently crashed. I would be grateful if you can advice me concerning my current relationship with a lady, I am planning to settle down with. I met this young lady in August last year. Since then, we have become very close. I have proposed to her and she in turn has agreed to marry me. But I have this major fear; she is too close to her ex-boyfriend for comfort. He happened to be her first love.
He is currently in South Africa, the reason she told me she didn’t marry him since she didn’t want to live apart from her man.
I recently met a lady who was privy to their relationship then. During my discussion with the lady, she told me my fiancée was so much in love with the guy and doubts if she will ever love another man the way she loved her ex.
The lady said my woman might go back to the guy whenever he comes back or goes into extramarital affairs with him after marriage.
So, Agatha, would it be possible for her to totally forget the guy and fall completely in love with me if I marry her? Should I go ahead with the marriage or stop? Please, I need your advice. Chris.
Dear Chris,
There are no definite answers when it comes to the game of the heart. Life and love is a huge gamble just like all the choices we daily made.
But one thing I am very sure of is that a lot would depend on how you treat her. That she was so much in love with her ex-boyfriend doesn’t mean she is incapable of loving another man. Since she was the one that terminated their relationship, she must have considered so many things before doing that.
There comes a time in one’s life when love isn’t enough to insure happiness. She has told you the truth; she needs her man around her. The choice is yours to make her happy with you. Not everywoman can cope with distant relationship. If you give her what she wants, there is no reason for her to go outside you to be happy. They must have been good friends even while they were lovers. This is what you should try to emulate. Be the friend who understands her, always there for her and who trust her.
Besides, there are different kinds of love; some are like petrol that burns up immediately while others have the strength of the diesel. The latter though lacks the vibrancy of the former, however has more stamina to last forever. This is what you should work at to get. It is a simple thing of you defining the kind of love you both share.
In addition, no two lovers that can be the same because our feelings for people are often patterned after the individuals involved. If she still keeps in touch with her ex, it is because they were able to detect early in their relationship, that something extra that ignites them. It is the reason parents often find themselves having a soft spot for one child than the others. What matters at the end of the day is not the intensity of passion that goes into our feelings but the amount of respect and responsibility packed into it.
What should matter to you now is her attitude towards you. Her not concealing the nature of her relationship with her ex from you underscores her sincerity with you. A woman, who has something to hide, won’t be so obvious. To get the best from her, learn to trust her. This is all she needs to be herself, to enhance the quality you obviously first noticed in her.
It is very important you desist from listening to what people say about her or her past relationship, just as you must resist the urge to question her every movement. Like her, you must also have had a past, fallen in love before meeting her.
Besides, be careful you don’t allow insecurity robs you of someth
Dear Agatha,
I am a man of 37 years of age and really need to get married. My seven years old relationship recently crashed. I would be grateful if you can advice me concerning my current relationship with a lady, I am planning to settle down with. I met this young lady in August last year. Since then, we have become very close. I have proposed to her and she in turn has agreed to marry me. But I have this major fear; she is too close to her ex-boyfriend for comfort. He happened to be her first love.
He is currently in South Africa, the reason she told me she didn’t marry him since she didn’t want to live apart from her man.
I recently met a lady who was privy to their relationship then. During my discussion with the lady, she told me my fiancée was so much in love with the guy and doubts if she will ever love another man the way she loved her ex.
The lady said my woman might go back to the guy whenever he comes back or goes into extramarital affairs with him after marriage.
So, Agatha, would it be possible for her to totally forget the guy and fall completely in love with me if I marry her? Should I go ahead with the marriage or stop? Please, I need your advice. Chris.
Dear Chris,
There are no definite answers when it comes to the game of the heart. Life and love is a huge gamble just like all the choices we daily made.
But one thing I am very sure of is that a lot would depend on how you treat her. That she was so much in love with her ex-boyfriend doesn’t mean she is incapable of loving another man. Since she was the one that terminated their relationship, she must have considered so many things before doing that.
There comes a time in one’s life when love isn’t enough to insure happiness. She has told you the truth; she needs her man around her. The choice is yours to make her happy with you. Not everywoman can cope with distant relationship. If you give her what she wants, there is no reason for her to go outside you to be happy. They must have been good friends even while they were lovers. This is what you should try to emulate. Be the friend who understands her, always there for her and who trust her.
Besides, there are different kinds of love; some are like petrol that burns up immediately while others have the strength of the diesel. The latter though lacks the vibrancy of the former, however has more stamina to last forever. This is what you should work at to get. It is a simple thing of you defining the kind of love you both share.
In addition, no two lovers that can be the same because our feelings for people are often patterned after the individuals involved. If she still keeps in touch with her ex, it is because they were able to detect early in their relationship, that something extra that ignites them. It is the reason parents often find themselves having a soft spot for one child than the others. What matters at the end of the day is not the intensity of passion that goes into our feelings but the amount of respect and responsibility packed into it.
What should matter to you now is her attitude towards you. Her not concealing the nature of her relationship with her ex from you underscores her sincerity with you. A woman, who has something to hide, won’t be so obvious. To get the best from her, learn to trust her. This is all she needs to be herself, to enhance the quality you obviously first noticed in her.
It is very important you desist from listening to what people say about her or her past relationship, just as you must resist the urge to question her every movement. Like her, you must also have had a past, fallen in love before meeting her.
Besides, be careful you don’t allow insecurity robs you of someth
I’m pregnant for my married ex
With Agatha Edo,Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626
Dear Agatha
Please help me. I don’t know what to do about my situation. There is this man I have always loved but he got married to another woman.
The problem started when I traveled out of the country for two years. On the day I arrived England, I lost my address book so couldn’t get in touch with anyone at home for a long time. By the time I was able to get through to him, he was already dating another woman who he eventually got married to.
When I came back, I decided to begin my life all over again but unfortunately, none of the relationships I went into worked.
I also got to know that my old boyfriend had relocated to Abuja with his family so I didn’t bother myself to look for him. Deep down I knew I was still very much in love with him and would have done anything to have him back. Therefore, the knowledge that he wasn’t in Lagos anymore pleased me.
But all that changed when we ran into each other again in Lagos. I went to the local wing of the airport to drop a cousin of mine when I saw him at the car park looking for a taxi to take him to town. Needless to say, I gave him a lift to where he was going. We exchanged numbers. An hour after dropping him, he called to know where I was. Since I was on leave, I gave him my home address and that was my undoing as we ended up being intimate that day.
From that moment, there was no looking back. Even when I knew I was taking so much of his time, I didn’t feel bad; he had always been mine.
Although, I knew the relationship wasn’t heading anywhere, I was willing to take my chances. I never really stopped loving him.
But, there is a problem; I am pregnant and he is insisting I abort the pregnancy. I really want to since I am not keen on being a single parent but, none of the doctors we went to want to risk their certificate. All three of them say my womb is too tender and that I could lose my womb or life if anything is done to the pregnancy.
For selfish reasons, I want this baby but God knows I am not ready to destroy any woman’s marriage. He hasn’t said anything about me getting rid of the pregnancy after what the doctors said but I don’t want to have this baby outside wedlock.
Please tell me what to do before the pregnancy becomes too obvious.
Pat
Dear Pat,
This is difficult. Either way, you are the loser in this game you have played. If you decide to abort the baby, you will either die or have a damaged womb; for a woman, there is nothing worse than such a sentence; knowing that by your own choices, you have become barren.
On the other hand, you would not only be destroying another woman’s marriage but, causing problems for your child in the father’s house. There is no way your child can have the best of the father or the siblings in this condition. No matter how hard he tries to be involved, there will always be hindrances and resistance from his wife and other children.
There is no way the woman and her children would not feel cheated by you. They would think that the idea to have the child was deliberate, a ploy to drive away their mother. Only you would know that it wasn’t; that circumstances forced the situation on you.
As it is now, be prepared to be a single parent. You have done enough damage to yourself and this man’s marriage. Don’t complicate things any further. He may have been your man before he got married, but he is no longer yours. He belongs to another woman in whose shoes you would feel very bad if you were her.
Don’t forget she had nothing to do with what happened between you and your ex. If God had wanted you two to be an item, you would not have misplaced your address book or not have his number in your memory bank. That you didn’t and couldn’t get in touch with him or anybody who could give you his number shows that your separation was divine.
It is funny how we remember God when things go wrong. Had you taken your time to examine your relationship as at the time you met again, you won’t be in this mess. And even when you got back together, you could have prevented the pregnancy if really you weren’t planning on keeping him forever. The fact that you felt you owned him is a pointer to what you actually had in mind when you re-entered into a relationship with him.
He won’t insist you terminate it because your life is at stake. He expects you to make the right decision. The only right thing is for you to free this man of any obligation to you and your child. Unfortunately, this is what the situation you have found yourself in demands.
Assure him that you are not ready to bother him whether or not he takes care of the baby and you. It may not be easy for you initially but give him the freedom to make his choice. This way, he would be convinced that this child isn’t something you planned to use in destroying his home. He may understand that medically you may not survive an abortion, but would he appreciate that you forced him into having a child outside matrimony? He may still have feelings for you but no man appreciates being forced into a situation he didn’t plan for.
If you don’t handle this situation with wisdom and maturity, overtime, he would begin to bear a grudge against you. There is no way your child will not be affected by his feelings towards you. Men have a way of transferring their feelings for the mother of a child to the child.
Besides, you have to resist being the reason for the break-up of this marriage. It is too late for you to undo the damage of your involvement with him. But there is a lot you can do about ensuring this marriage survives your intrusion into their lives.
By giving him space to deal with the reality of having a baby outside his marriage, informing his wife about it; you are signalling your determination to make amends for your role in this whole affair.
Granted it takes two to tangle and that he cannot be completely exonerated in this whole thing, the fact remains that it is the responsibility of a woman to keep things light. You are the mother of this child hence your responsibility to ensure you do everything to procure peace and happiness for it. Every man given the kind of opportunity you gave him would react in the same way. If you had insisted on not going the length you went with him, he wouldn’t have forced you.
By taking responsibility for your actions, you are giving his marriage a chance to heal and helping yourself revive your life once again. This time out would help you think of what is important to you. Now that a child is on the way, it would do you a world of good, to begin to think ahead. This kind of attitude would go a long way in helping you put the important things in focus.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha
Please help me. I don’t know what to do about my situation. There is this man I have always loved but he got married to another woman.
The problem started when I traveled out of the country for two years. On the day I arrived England, I lost my address book so couldn’t get in touch with anyone at home for a long time. By the time I was able to get through to him, he was already dating another woman who he eventually got married to.
When I came back, I decided to begin my life all over again but unfortunately, none of the relationships I went into worked.
I also got to know that my old boyfriend had relocated to Abuja with his family so I didn’t bother myself to look for him. Deep down I knew I was still very much in love with him and would have done anything to have him back. Therefore, the knowledge that he wasn’t in Lagos anymore pleased me.
But all that changed when we ran into each other again in Lagos. I went to the local wing of the airport to drop a cousin of mine when I saw him at the car park looking for a taxi to take him to town. Needless to say, I gave him a lift to where he was going. We exchanged numbers. An hour after dropping him, he called to know where I was. Since I was on leave, I gave him my home address and that was my undoing as we ended up being intimate that day.
From that moment, there was no looking back. Even when I knew I was taking so much of his time, I didn’t feel bad; he had always been mine.
Although, I knew the relationship wasn’t heading anywhere, I was willing to take my chances. I never really stopped loving him.
But, there is a problem; I am pregnant and he is insisting I abort the pregnancy. I really want to since I am not keen on being a single parent but, none of the doctors we went to want to risk their certificate. All three of them say my womb is too tender and that I could lose my womb or life if anything is done to the pregnancy.
For selfish reasons, I want this baby but God knows I am not ready to destroy any woman’s marriage. He hasn’t said anything about me getting rid of the pregnancy after what the doctors said but I don’t want to have this baby outside wedlock.
Please tell me what to do before the pregnancy becomes too obvious.
Pat
Dear Pat,
This is difficult. Either way, you are the loser in this game you have played. If you decide to abort the baby, you will either die or have a damaged womb; for a woman, there is nothing worse than such a sentence; knowing that by your own choices, you have become barren.
On the other hand, you would not only be destroying another woman’s marriage but, causing problems for your child in the father’s house. There is no way your child can have the best of the father or the siblings in this condition. No matter how hard he tries to be involved, there will always be hindrances and resistance from his wife and other children.
There is no way the woman and her children would not feel cheated by you. They would think that the idea to have the child was deliberate, a ploy to drive away their mother. Only you would know that it wasn’t; that circumstances forced the situation on you.
As it is now, be prepared to be a single parent. You have done enough damage to yourself and this man’s marriage. Don’t complicate things any further. He may have been your man before he got married, but he is no longer yours. He belongs to another woman in whose shoes you would feel very bad if you were her.
Don’t forget she had nothing to do with what happened between you and your ex. If God had wanted you two to be an item, you would not have misplaced your address book or not have his number in your memory bank. That you didn’t and couldn’t get in touch with him or anybody who could give you his number shows that your separation was divine.
It is funny how we remember God when things go wrong. Had you taken your time to examine your relationship as at the time you met again, you won’t be in this mess. And even when you got back together, you could have prevented the pregnancy if really you weren’t planning on keeping him forever. The fact that you felt you owned him is a pointer to what you actually had in mind when you re-entered into a relationship with him.
He won’t insist you terminate it because your life is at stake. He expects you to make the right decision. The only right thing is for you to free this man of any obligation to you and your child. Unfortunately, this is what the situation you have found yourself in demands.
Assure him that you are not ready to bother him whether or not he takes care of the baby and you. It may not be easy for you initially but give him the freedom to make his choice. This way, he would be convinced that this child isn’t something you planned to use in destroying his home. He may understand that medically you may not survive an abortion, but would he appreciate that you forced him into having a child outside matrimony? He may still have feelings for you but no man appreciates being forced into a situation he didn’t plan for.
If you don’t handle this situation with wisdom and maturity, overtime, he would begin to bear a grudge against you. There is no way your child will not be affected by his feelings towards you. Men have a way of transferring their feelings for the mother of a child to the child.
Besides, you have to resist being the reason for the break-up of this marriage. It is too late for you to undo the damage of your involvement with him. But there is a lot you can do about ensuring this marriage survives your intrusion into their lives.
By giving him space to deal with the reality of having a baby outside his marriage, informing his wife about it; you are signalling your determination to make amends for your role in this whole affair.
Granted it takes two to tangle and that he cannot be completely exonerated in this whole thing, the fact remains that it is the responsibility of a woman to keep things light. You are the mother of this child hence your responsibility to ensure you do everything to procure peace and happiness for it. Every man given the kind of opportunity you gave him would react in the same way. If you had insisted on not going the length you went with him, he wouldn’t have forced you.
By taking responsibility for your actions, you are giving his marriage a chance to heal and helping yourself revive your life once again. This time out would help you think of what is important to you. Now that a child is on the way, it would do you a world of good, to begin to think ahead. This kind of attitude would go a long way in helping you put the important things in focus.
Good luck.
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