Dear Agatha,
I am 24 years, and I have never had sex, though I had a girlfriend who never succumbed to it because of her values. So, I opted for masturbation, and for eight years now I have been doing it. I later had another girlfriend due to a major breakup between the former and I. My present girl is ready to have sex, but the major hitch now is my erectile dysfunction.
What do I do about this condition?
Anxious Man.
Dear Anxious Man,
Erectile dysfunction or impotence occurs when a man that has erection cannot get or keep an erection that is firm enough to have sex. It can occur at any age but more common in older men who have other health challenges. The good thing is that treatment is possible whatever the age of the man involved.
From your story, anxiety and over dependence on masturbation may be the twin problem affecting you. Over masturbation leads to sexual under performance by way of premature ejaculation, as well as other sexual problems.
Under normal circumstances, masturbation is a healthy sexual behaviour but like other behaviours when over practised it could lead to both psychological and physiological imbalances. Frequent and excessive masturbation and ejaculation result in over-production of sex hormones and neurotransmitters. An unnatural abundance of these hormones and neurotransmitters can cause the brain and adrenal glands to perform excessive dopamine-norepinephrine-epinephrine conversion, which make the brain and body function at an extreme level. In other words, there is a huge change in body chemistry when one masturbates excessively.
This often is the cause of frustrating sexual side effects like the one you are currently experiencing.
Going from one extreme end to the other, may also be a factor in your problem. For eight years, you have depended on self-stimulation to get relief on account of your girlfriend not wanting to have sex with you. Now you have a girlfriend who is ready to have sex but it would take a long time for your brain and body to adjust to having actual sex.
Masturbation has customised your body to ejaculate at a particular time, has programmed your body to accept the timing of your mind and manipulations. Having depended on it for eight years, it isn’t going to be easy for you body to adjust automatically on account of your desire to make love with a woman. It will take a while and would require understanding, patience, support, perseverance and endurance from your partner to overcome. On your part too, you have to be forthcoming with information on your old life as well as your current desires to help her navigate around the issue without it affecting your psychology too much and her appreciation of the problem.
This is because your issue is more complicated than that of the average male virgin. While you may not have actually made love to a woman, your sexual senses aren’t mute; they have been given life and definition by your recourse to masturbation. For this reason, you must go back to the basis of man-woman relationship to be able to overcome your erectile dysfunction. There is a very wide margin between the timing of self-stimulation and making love to a woman.
While the normal physical response for a man is to reach climax and ejaculate is approximately two to three minutes after penetrating the vagina, the normal physical response for a woman is to build to a climax about 12 to 14 minutes after sex occurs. Some premature ejaculation cases are easy to diagnose, especially when the man ejaculates before he even penetrates a woman. In relationship terms, premature ejaculation can be diagnosed as ejaculating before the woman gets orgasm. This is what over-masturbation can lead to, a disappointed woman and a frustrated man.
But to be sure yours isn’t the sign of a serious medical problem, how well were you able to manage your erection during those years you masturbated? Can you remember the length of time it took for you to have and sustain your erection? Do you have the normal male sign of virility in the morning? Do you get stimulated by the sight of a really pretty or sexy woman like men do? Does thinking about sex give you any hard-on?
If your answers are positive, then your current situation is one that can easily be cured with confidence on your part and understanding from your partner. Whether she comes with a wealth of experience or not, once both of you have the trust and support of each other, you can overcome.
On your part, you have to transfer your knowledge of self-stimulation to her body. Use more of your hands at the initial stage to get her ready for action and only go into her when you are almost ready to peak. This way, she gets satisfied while you learn the ropes of helping yourself make love to a woman.
Usually, the problem comes from a man not knowing what to do with a woman’s body during the process of lovemaking. Even when a man has the problem of early ejaculation, once he knows the technique of getting his woman ready for the peak action, it takes an imaginative mind to hide his inadequacies from a woman during the act of lovemaking. Fantastic male lovers are not necessarily the men who are able to sustain longer erections but those who add a lot of imagination and innovations by showing tremendous consideration for the feelings of the woman involved. If a man were able to distinguish the difference between sex and lovemaking, even if it takes him one second to sustain an erection, the woman would brand him a successful lover.
However if your answers are doubtful and point to the existence of some outstanding problem, it is in your interest to see a doctor immediately.
Good luck.
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