Dear Agatha,
You are a gift to this generation, because you’ve been of immense help to hundreds of lives in and out of this country. May God bestow you with more wisdom to save more lives.
I am a 20-year-old male undergraduate in one of the universities in the south of this country. Less than a month ago, I broke up with my girlfriend, based on the numerous stories friends have been telling me about her and my best friend. Initially, I tried to ignore all these gossips but eventually I gave in to the gossips. I terminated our relationship but have since realised I made a terrible mistake. I was and still very much in love with her.
Since leaving her, I have known no peace. My love for her is stronger.
I went back to plead with her and even apologised for my actions explaining my reasons for what I did.
She still loves me but the problem is she has lost the confidence in me.
According to her she has chosen not to love me again owing to her experience with me.
Agatha, I love this girl so much, and I can’t imagine what will happen if I can’t get her back. Another problem is that we are in the same department in school.
Please help me. I am confused.
Young Heart.
Dear Young Heart,
She is hurt because you didn’t trust her enough and didn’t give her enough credit to be responsible. Lack of trust in your partner can destroy the best of relationships because nobody likes to be doubted especially if innocent of the offences being accused of.
It also shows you don’t trust anybody around you if you can believe that your best friend and girl friend are having an affair behind you.
What you should have done was to have asked her and your best friend about all the stories people were telling about the two of them by giving both of them a chance to defend themselves against the rumours making the rounds about them.
To have terminated the relationship without making the effort to get them to respond is her main worry. What assurances are there that you would not again condemn her for a crime she knows nothing of should the situation arise again?
For her, the issue here goes beyond apologising for having little or not trust in her. Rather, it is giving her assurance of how you intend to handle such matter in future. She must have gone through a lot of embarrassments at the hands of the same people who pressured you into leaving her. Knowing they have achieved their aim, they would ensure everybody is told the real reason you terminated the relationship.
If she is a decent girl, the smear on her reputation would for a long time to come haunt her and make her wonder at why you doubted her in the first place.
This type of memory is the kind that doesn’t go away easily. It stays etched in the memory for a long time. For this reason, you would have to give her time to heal naturally and sufficiently to be able to love you unconditionally again.
You don’t accuse a woman of such moral offence and expects her to be happy. Your accusation went beyond the ordinary; it touches on her values as a young lady, calls to question the type of home training she got from her parents, throws dust into her desires in life.
The fact that you thought her capable of not only doing it but with someone you call your best friend also makes her wonder at her ability to cope later in life. She needs assurances that getting close to your friends or brothers would not cause her pains or make you throw her out of your life unceremoniously. One thing is to be accused of having an affair but with one so close puts a woman in complete confusion as to how she would be able to handle her man’s various relationships without getting burnt in the process.
Can you assure her that from this moment she is safe and free to relate with your friends freely without you raising dust over her reputation?
Again another issue is her safety in her other relationships. No man is an island and we were all created to depend on each other to be accomplished in life. Would you be able to tolerate her having a platonic relationship with other boys you don’t know?
This is the point where you both have to redefine your relationship, to touch all those areas you didn’t know you have to deal with before. The good thing about this type of experience is that it provides a relationship with the opportunity to grow and for the couple involved to know the areas that are likely to cause major problems later in life.
It also provides couples with the knowledge of how to handle future challenges. I am sure the next time this type of situation occurs, you would know what to take and what not to take. A flourishing relationship is always prone to destructive gossips from those who are envious. This is why you must at all times filter what you allow into your mind. As you both grow you would discover so many of these intentional gossips aimed at destroying you.
Explaining all the lessons you have learnt to your girlfriend as well as the decisions you have taken to prevent this type of situation would make her reconsider your pleas and desire to have her back.
To have her confidence back, don’t push her too much to accept you back. Begin by being friend with her, sending her text messages as well as taking her to her favourite spots. Once you don’t pressurise her, allowing her to see your renewed love as well as the trust you now have in her, would eventually make her come back,
As for being in the same department, provided you are both responsible and apply yourselves with the best intentions, there is nothing to fear.
What is essential is for both of you to know what you want and the reason you are in school.
Good luck.
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