With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Help, I am in a big problem that requires urgent attention else I would lose my sanity.
I am a 35-year-old man introduced to a 25-year-old girl last year. The relationship soon developed and we both agreed to cement it. We went for genotype test where it was confirmed that we were both of the AS genotype.
The two families advised us to end the relationship immediately to avoid our regretting it in the future. We refused and continue, though secretly.
Just as we were about putting an end to the relationship, she called to say she has missed her monthly flow. I advised her to go for a test and it was later confirmed that she was a month and two weeks pregnant.
I am surprised to see her pregnant since we always practice safe sex. She visits only during her safe period and I use both condom and ‘withdrawal methods’ when having sex with her. I have hundred percent trust in her that she isn’t promiscuous. I actually met her a virgin.
The questions is whether a lady can get pregnant after meeting her man on the third day after her menstrual flow with me using my safe sex method?
Is it also possible to determine the genotype of an unborn foetus? I would love to marry her, but I don’t want to bring in an innocent baby into a world of pain and suffering because of our selfishness.
Agatha please, advise me on what to do, I am so confused. She had been suggesting aborting the pregnancy, because she is afraid and don’t want either her people or mine to know about it. For me, I hate abortion, and have never attempted or assisted anyone in anyway to do it. I am afraid of the whole thing backfiring and she suffering later if anything goes wrong.
Afraid Man.
Dear Afraid Man,
There is no birth control that gives total assurance against pregnancy. God is still God and decides when a child is coming. Some determined babies have been known to defy all known medical procedures and restrictions in their quest to come to the world.
The issue here has gone beyond if she can become pregnant in spite of the methods of birth control you use. The answer is a categorical yes. From the age of the pregnancy, she didn’t become pregnant during your last time together. The pregnancy occurred before that day. The menstrual flow may be a fluke; some women still experience the monthly ritual of having menses even when pregnant.
The real worry here is the issue of your genotype. With both of you being AS, there is the risk of one or more of your children being SS. Like you rightly observed, it can be very traumatic for a couple with an SS child.
The child faces the challenge of not being able to live a healthy life like other children his or her age, exempted from certain activities other children take for granted and has to go through spell of pains and hospitalisation from time to time.
It isn’t pleasant for both child and parents, who daily fear that the child might die from any of the complications that come from being Sickle Cell.
Having and caring for an SS child isn’t a tea party, hence the need for you and your woman to be realistic about this child.
Yes, a medical procedure known as amniocentesis can determine the genotype of the child from the womb. It is a prenatal test in which a small amount of amniotic fluid like water that surrounds the foetus is removed from the sac surrounding the unborn child and tested. The sample of amniotic fluid is removed through a fine needle inserted into the uterus through the abdomen, under ultrasound guidance. The fluid is then sent to a laboratory for analysis. Different tests can be performed on a sample of amniotic fluid, depending on the genetic risk and indication for the test.
Because amniocentesis presents a small risk for both the mother and her baby, the prenatal test is generally offered to women who have a significant risk for genetic diseases, including those who have family history of certain birth defects such as SS. The results usually take about three weeks to come.
The results of the amniocentesis would tell you and your woman if an abortion is needed or not. Most often if the child is SS, the couple is usually advised to think of abortion, because of the challenges of having an SS child.
Frankly the choice of whether to go ahead with the pregnancy or not is yours to make once the result is out.
If you decide to keep it, there is no way you can avoid telling your parents about it whether or not they are in support of your relationship or not.
Whatever the decision you want to make, do it urgently before the pregnancy becomes too obvious to be kept secret.
Good luck.
Monday, May 9, 2011
She coerced me into marrying her
Marriage Clinic, With Agatha Edo. email;gataedo@yahoo.com;agatha.edo@gmail.com: Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Despite being in financial stress, the lady I was dating mounted pressure on me to marry her. We ended up getting marriage in the registry. She met me while I was studying for my Ordinary National Diploma. Before we got married, we discussed my financial status as well as how to share the bills between us. We agreed on something but I couldn’t continue with my studies after a while due to lack of funds.
Four years into our marriage, I found out she was four years older than I am. This isn’t the only issue I have to contend with. She also doesn’t give in to sex when I want it. She only agrees to it when she wants it. This habit of hers has pushed me to masturbating.
Even though we got married before my two elder brothers, their wives have since given birth while mine hasn’t even gotten pregnant for one day.
I honestly feel like moving on with my life. Please advice me on what to do because before I married, I got a lady pregnant.
I have discussed this issue with my family who are all aware that I am fed up. You won’t believe she once starved me of sex for three months. Her excuse was the herbal concoction she was taking to get pregnant. I have been managing a security job but my contract with the company has ended.
At 31, I am preparing for my UTME examinations. I would appreciate if you can help me get a job to enable me start life all over again.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
When the going gets very tough; only the tough gets going. There is no where in the Bible that God promised us a problem free life; His grace, He says, is sufficient to see us through difficult periods in our lives. This promised grace would help you recover all that you have lost. It is just a matter of time and patience.
I wish I had a job to offer you but this is one request I cannot help you with If you are desirous of working with the company you mentioned, go in there and drop your C.V. You never can tell what God intends to accomplish for you.
As for your marriage, you just have to learn to endure the situation. Granted, she lied about her age but the fact remains that you allowed yourself to be persuaded to marry her. You must have felt something very strong for her to have yielded to her pressures.
If you are just finding out about the four-year gap between the two of you, it means her age sits well on her. If it didn’t, you would have noticed it from the time you met. Therefore it isn’t that she is older than you that is the real bother here but the fact that she kept such vital information from you. This, plus the fact that you felt cheated in marrying a woman you wouldn’t ordinarily have married given the age difference is the issue here.
Sincerely, you have every right to be angry with her. You also have every reason to doubt other things about her but the bottom line is that you have to find it in your heart to forgive her if the required effort has to be put to salvage this marriage.
A lot of things could happen in a marriage to bring on a change of attitude in either the woman or the man but these same circumstances can be erased with the right attitude as well as determination.
Before you can make a conclusive decision concerning the viability of the marriage, you have to be sure that there is nothing else you can do. This is important because as we grow older in life, we begin to acquire a deeper understanding to life. Issues we were impatient about before would no longer mean so much. This is what you should avoid because there is no telling what you would encounter in your next marriage.
Every marriage has a cross and if you aren’t careful, you may discover that there is more warmth where you are coming from than where you are going to.
You must attempt to avoid life long regrets, the kind you would wish you could undo.
I am sure she wasn’t like this when you agreed to marry her. Something must have happened between the time you both married and now to make her change dramatically. You must therefore begin the search for answers from your end. What did you do wrong? The fault can’t be hers only. Why did she have to lie about her age? Would you have married her if you knew her age? Would your love for her have been sufficient to cover the fact that she is older than you are?
Yes, she wronged you by keeping this important information away from you but divorce isn’t always the answer. If you are both unable to conceive since getting married four years ago, what efforts have you two made to find out medically what the matter is and what modern medicine can be of help to the one with the fault?
That you have impregnated someone before doesn’t mean you cannot suffer secondary infertility. One or two things may have happened in the past to affect your reproductive system. It is always wrong for anybody to assume that because certain things have happened in the past, one is okay medically. There is so much both of you can do together as a couple to help improve on the situation between the two of you. If you are both friends, she would be free to discuss her past with you and tell you whatever you have to know about her past love life. You are both in the dark about each other’s medical history because there is massive distrust on your parts. You have to learn to trust each other sufficiently to get to the root of this medical problem.
In addition, babies can only come when the home is happy. With the tension between the two of you, conception may be very difficult if not impossible.
If she is taking any medication, you should know about it. That she is taking it without your knowledge shows that there is no cohesion between both of you. The bitterness and disappointments of not having a child becloud your marriage so much so, you have forgotten the reason you both got married in the first place.
Marriage is more than having a child or children. If you are having difficulties having a child, don’t have difficulties being friends and companion to each other. This way, you make your marriage so strong and elastic to withstand any situation.
Honestly, this is the time for both of you to focus on building your marriage as well as the quality of your life. That you are unemployed doesn’t mean you cannot have a happy home, one in which your woman would willingly contribute her quota.
Some of the time, our partners react to the signals they are getting from us. If the message she is getting from you is that she is worthless in your life because she hasn’t been able to give you a child, there is no way you will ever get the best from her because of that inherent fear that she is a stranger in your home and life. Your brothers’ wives that have children are living in their seasons; when it is the season of your wife to be a mother, God will grant her prayers. Don’t compare; it is the worst thing you can do to your marriage.
If you are able to cross the hurdle of anger, a lot of things would work out fine.
Both of you have to seek the face of God together for your lives to be meaningful.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Despite being in financial stress, the lady I was dating mounted pressure on me to marry her. We ended up getting marriage in the registry. She met me while I was studying for my Ordinary National Diploma. Before we got married, we discussed my financial status as well as how to share the bills between us. We agreed on something but I couldn’t continue with my studies after a while due to lack of funds.
Four years into our marriage, I found out she was four years older than I am. This isn’t the only issue I have to contend with. She also doesn’t give in to sex when I want it. She only agrees to it when she wants it. This habit of hers has pushed me to masturbating.
Even though we got married before my two elder brothers, their wives have since given birth while mine hasn’t even gotten pregnant for one day.
I honestly feel like moving on with my life. Please advice me on what to do because before I married, I got a lady pregnant.
I have discussed this issue with my family who are all aware that I am fed up. You won’t believe she once starved me of sex for three months. Her excuse was the herbal concoction she was taking to get pregnant. I have been managing a security job but my contract with the company has ended.
At 31, I am preparing for my UTME examinations. I would appreciate if you can help me get a job to enable me start life all over again.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
When the going gets very tough; only the tough gets going. There is no where in the Bible that God promised us a problem free life; His grace, He says, is sufficient to see us through difficult periods in our lives. This promised grace would help you recover all that you have lost. It is just a matter of time and patience.
I wish I had a job to offer you but this is one request I cannot help you with If you are desirous of working with the company you mentioned, go in there and drop your C.V. You never can tell what God intends to accomplish for you.
As for your marriage, you just have to learn to endure the situation. Granted, she lied about her age but the fact remains that you allowed yourself to be persuaded to marry her. You must have felt something very strong for her to have yielded to her pressures.
If you are just finding out about the four-year gap between the two of you, it means her age sits well on her. If it didn’t, you would have noticed it from the time you met. Therefore it isn’t that she is older than you that is the real bother here but the fact that she kept such vital information from you. This, plus the fact that you felt cheated in marrying a woman you wouldn’t ordinarily have married given the age difference is the issue here.
Sincerely, you have every right to be angry with her. You also have every reason to doubt other things about her but the bottom line is that you have to find it in your heart to forgive her if the required effort has to be put to salvage this marriage.
A lot of things could happen in a marriage to bring on a change of attitude in either the woman or the man but these same circumstances can be erased with the right attitude as well as determination.
Before you can make a conclusive decision concerning the viability of the marriage, you have to be sure that there is nothing else you can do. This is important because as we grow older in life, we begin to acquire a deeper understanding to life. Issues we were impatient about before would no longer mean so much. This is what you should avoid because there is no telling what you would encounter in your next marriage.
Every marriage has a cross and if you aren’t careful, you may discover that there is more warmth where you are coming from than where you are going to.
You must attempt to avoid life long regrets, the kind you would wish you could undo.
I am sure she wasn’t like this when you agreed to marry her. Something must have happened between the time you both married and now to make her change dramatically. You must therefore begin the search for answers from your end. What did you do wrong? The fault can’t be hers only. Why did she have to lie about her age? Would you have married her if you knew her age? Would your love for her have been sufficient to cover the fact that she is older than you are?
Yes, she wronged you by keeping this important information away from you but divorce isn’t always the answer. If you are both unable to conceive since getting married four years ago, what efforts have you two made to find out medically what the matter is and what modern medicine can be of help to the one with the fault?
That you have impregnated someone before doesn’t mean you cannot suffer secondary infertility. One or two things may have happened in the past to affect your reproductive system. It is always wrong for anybody to assume that because certain things have happened in the past, one is okay medically. There is so much both of you can do together as a couple to help improve on the situation between the two of you. If you are both friends, she would be free to discuss her past with you and tell you whatever you have to know about her past love life. You are both in the dark about each other’s medical history because there is massive distrust on your parts. You have to learn to trust each other sufficiently to get to the root of this medical problem.
In addition, babies can only come when the home is happy. With the tension between the two of you, conception may be very difficult if not impossible.
If she is taking any medication, you should know about it. That she is taking it without your knowledge shows that there is no cohesion between both of you. The bitterness and disappointments of not having a child becloud your marriage so much so, you have forgotten the reason you both got married in the first place.
Marriage is more than having a child or children. If you are having difficulties having a child, don’t have difficulties being friends and companion to each other. This way, you make your marriage so strong and elastic to withstand any situation.
Honestly, this is the time for both of you to focus on building your marriage as well as the quality of your life. That you are unemployed doesn’t mean you cannot have a happy home, one in which your woman would willingly contribute her quota.
Some of the time, our partners react to the signals they are getting from us. If the message she is getting from you is that she is worthless in your life because she hasn’t been able to give you a child, there is no way you will ever get the best from her because of that inherent fear that she is a stranger in your home and life. Your brothers’ wives that have children are living in their seasons; when it is the season of your wife to be a mother, God will grant her prayers. Don’t compare; it is the worst thing you can do to your marriage.
If you are able to cross the hurdle of anger, a lot of things would work out fine.
Both of you have to seek the face of God together for your lives to be meaningful.
Good luck.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
