Saturday, September 20, 2008

She Didn’t Tell Me About Her Son


Dear Agatha,

Please help me before I make the biggest mistake of my life.

Understand and appreciate the role you are playing in the lives of many people. I am sure a lot of people in my shoes or with other types of problems are aware of your rare contributions to the lives of many people through your daily column in the Independent titles. May God continue to bless you with more wisdom to do more for us and to enhance the quality of your life.

I got married eight years ago to the woman I thought I knew so much. We dated for four years, which makes it a total of 12 years that we have been together.

We have three children, two girls and a boy.

Agatha, given my experience with women, I thought I was beyond being surprised by them. Before I met my wife, I was in a relationship with a lady for six years but who dashed my hopes by dating my best friend.

The betrayal took a long time to heal. So you can imagine my current state of mind when I discovered by accident that the woman I have three children with, whom I thought I knew very well, has a 16-year-old son.

Ironically, the boy isn’t a total stranger to me. My wife’s family presented him to me as my wife’s nephew all along. According to them, he was the son of their late daughter. I had no reason to think otherwise until I came back home unexpectedly from a trip to a fight between my wife and her supposed nephew. From the doorway, I overheard him accusing my wife of being insensitive and wicked for sleeping well while she continues to deny him of the love of a mother.

He told her he was tired of being kept out of her life.

Since then my wife and her family have been running from pillar to post trying to explain why such an important information was kept from me. According to my wife, her mother insisted she kept it from me to prevent me from changing my mind about marrying her.

Agatha, given the way I felt about her then, I would still have married her.

In view of my latest discovery about her, I am not so sure I want to stay with a woman who can treat her own child so cruelly. If she can deny her own child, what assurances do I have, she won’t do the same to me when the going gets tough?

I don’t know what to do about my marriage anymore? I have lost confidence in her, the marriage as well as all the respect I have for her family.

I really want to end everything because if she can lie about having a child, how am I sure she hasn’t also lied about all the other things she has told me?

My parents say they would respect any decision I take on the matter. Would you, Agatha support my leaving this woman?

I am at the most critical cross-roads in my life.

Disappointed Man.


 

Dear Disappointed Man,

No, I won’t support your packing up your marriage even though your wife’s conduct leaves much to be desired.

You see, marriage is a long journey into the unknown. At times, it is so sweet while at other times, it is very bitter and painful. Marriage draws its attributes and character from life itself, which is never stable. It takes real determination not to give up on life when the pains become too much to bear.

Doubtless, life must have dealt you some very excruciating pains before. I am sure, determination made you overcome those pains, as well as give you the needed will to go on trying. This is not different from all the other pains you have gone through.

Much as I appreciate this bouquet of pain comes with much more stings, the fact remains that without a will to let go of the horrors of today, you may not be able to forgive your wife.

By focusing alone on the betrayal and the attendant implications of her actions, you will never be able to think rationally about the other even more damaging implications of quitting the marriage.

Think of the children whose lives would be affected at the end of the day. Doubtless your wife did the unpardonable but scratching an itch with the intensity it requires would only attract blood and scars.

Nobody would blame you too much if you find it difficult to trust her for a long time to come. What you are feeling is very natural because trust has been broken and your person taken for a fool.

But all these would change if you give yourself time to heal naturally. Incomprehensible as her actions may be, listen to her reasons for doing it and ask yourself with all the honesty you have within you if you would have considered marrying her if you knew? And if you would have, what about your family? Would they have approved of you marrying her?

Think of all the angles to it. Also, factor in the influence of her mother and family. If her family pressured her into not telling you and going ahead to introduce the child to you as that of their dead daughter, the matter went beyond her.

From their stance, they didn’t want to take any chance and must have told her if you left her on account of the child, they would not be there to cushion her fall.

Fear may have been the real reason she didn’t tell you. And as time went on, it became more difficult for her to tell the truth.

This is usual given the period of time between when you found out and when you both met.

Only time can really heal you of this wound because it is really deep. For now, let your mind focus on the good times you have had with her in your 12 years of being together. Remember how it was before this unfortunate incident happened. To have married her after four years of dating and having three children with her shows that she means so much to you; that you both have something unusually peaceful.

Yes, she erred terribly by refusing to trust you with the secret of her past and allowing herself to be willing collaborator in the scheme of her parents but what is prime here is the quality of happiness she has brought into your life as well as the gift of fatherhood.

What would you tell your children later in life? That you drove their mother away on account of their brother? By then the story of her not telling you would not be so bad but the memory and incident of sending her away on account of a person who is related to them by blood would never leave their memory.

Whatever you say by then to justify your actions, it might not make much sense to them.

Also, think of the effect it would have on the boy if he knows that his mother was sent away because of him. Because of what has happened to him in the past, he would consider it as another evidence of rejection. He would never believe you are on his side.

Granted, he may not be related to you but he is to your children.

Because of the uncertainty of the future, the best you can do for him now is to help integrate him into the family. Remember, he is an innocent party.

Let your wife explain the circumstances of his birth and why his father isn’t involved in his life. It might make it easier for you to understand why she decided on her option. Most times it is easier to condemn when we are not in the position of those we take delight in condemning.

Much as she doesn’t have the right to deny her son, when a young woman is faced by the choices she had to make when she met you, the easier option seems to be the most appealing.

The health of every marriage is dependent on unconditional forgiveness.

Your parents understand this which is why they have given you the liberty to take your decisions. This marriage would only survive if you play the role of the father, which you are, by having the heart to forgive her.

I know it isn’t easy but this is the stuff real marriages are made of.

Going to God in prayer would make forgiveness easier.

Good luck.