Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am in a relationship that is currently about two years. The girl in question is the same girl I intend to marry. I have taken her to my place and I have gone to see her people as well. Our traditional marriage ceremony is coming very soon.
The problem I have is that my elder brother does not like the girl I want to marry due to her profession, a police officer. Although my brother isn’t supporting me financially or offering any moral help, yet his attitude is affecting me all the same.
Please how do I handle this?
Mr. J.
Dear Mr. J,
What is wrong in being a police officer? Since when did being a police personal become a consideration in the process of marriage?
You are the one marrying this lady, not your brother. You are the one who will live with her and as long as you are comfortable about what she does for a living, don’t listen to what any other person has to say.
As your elder brother, he has a right to an opinion, but that is as far as it goes. When it comes to the issue of marriage, it is a personal thing because the choice is one you must have to live with for the rest of your life.
For you to have come this far with this woman, you must have found priceless qualities in her. Ones you may never find in another woman. Ones, which in later years would give you the happiness you deserve in life.
This man may be your brother but he has no right to stand between you and happiness especially if the reasons are as flimsy as the one he is advertising. You are not going to be living with her uniform but the woman inside the uniform. This is the point you should communicate to your elder brother.
Tell him that beyond the uniform of her profession is a woman who has all it takes to make you eternally happy. Marriage has no uniform, creed, colour, tribe beyond it being rewarding and beneficial emotionally, psychologically, mentally and spiritually fulfilling to the two people involved.
If his fears are based on her paramilitary training and the possibility of her refusal to submit herself to your authority in the home front, for whatever it is worth, assure him that you don’t intend playing the hen-pecked husband and that her uniform is only relevant outside your home.
I suspect his discomfort with her has to do with your ability to manage the intimidation her uniform presents. Being an elder brother who perhaps has more knowledge of your limitations as a person, he is simply concerned. On this premise, humour him by explaining your need for this woman in your life as well as your capacity to head your home.
If after this he persists in his attitude, ignore him and go ahead with your plans to marry this woman.
However, in your interest, don’t discuss this with your woman because your woman may never be able to forgive your brother or forget the fact that he tried to stop you from marrying her. She may never be able to bring herself to treat him with all the respect he deserves as your elder brother. An attitude if not managed well may bring about a permanent crack in the quality of friendship between you and your brother.
Managing a home and maintaining a balance in the relationships between you, your family as well as friends, entails tremendous wisdom and craft. If you tell your woman about your brother’s disapproval of her, you may be forfeiting the opportunity of assuring your brother of your ability to control your home.
Besides telling her you may also pitch her against other family members who may want to rally behind your brother if she insults him.
If you are sure of the choice you made and that your elder brother’s opposition isn’t premised on something more fundamental; please go ahead to secure your own happiness.
Good luck.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
I don’t trust him again
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 21 years of age. I am in a relationship with this man who has agreed to marry me.
However, recently I noticed he has gotten into the habit of hiding his phone from me.
Somehow I managed to get his phone, went through his text messages until I chanced on a suspicious text message from a lady.
He didn’t give me any convincing answer when I confronted him with my findings but came back to beg for my forgiveness.
Please I am confused because I am two-month pregnant for this man. Should I terminate the pregnancy?
Confused Lady.
Dear Confused Lady,
Don’t, under any circumstances, terminate the pregnancy. You didn’t create the life growing inside of you, so to harm it is to call to question the wisdom of God in giving you that child.
Besides, the child is an innocent party in all these. It didn’t ask to be born. You and your boyfriend took the decision without consulting it whether it wanted either or both of you as its parents.
And would you have on account of the betrayal of you by its father considered killing it had it been born already? To terminate the pregnancy is to commit a crime you may never get pardoned for. So don’t try your luck because this child might just be the only one you are destined to have.
In addition, you could end up losing your life in the process of aborting it and what would have been your gain, that your man betrayed you?
Is that enough reason to commit suicide?
Having come back to beg for your forgiveness, why not allow the past be? There is no relationship without issues like this. At least he tried hiding the knowledge from you, which speaks of the high regards he has for you as a person. He cares and loves you. If he didn’t, he would have called your bluff and condemned you for going through his phone, which would have presented you as the guilty party because going through his phone was a breach of his privacy. Being his girlfriend or wife doesn’t make it right for you to go through his phone.
Allow peace reign by forgiving him. At least this is one relationship crime he would think twice before engaging in it again.
That you found out would never make it easy for him to do it again. His refusal to lie about it as well as the dignity he handled the matter shows a man whose feelings are deep.
Although completely wrong, having another woman in his life doesn’t mean he loves you less. It is just that some men find it extremely difficult to resist the adventure of dating other women.
Primarily men are hunters and easily get excited by what they see. A wise woman wishing to keep her home would not do the silly thing of engaging them in an emotional war or quarrels.
God may be using this situation to point you at the area of danger in your relationship. What is required is for you to pray and not get into hasty decisions.
Whether you realise it or not, you and this man through the child in your womb, have embarked on a permanent relationship irrespective of whatever happens later in life.
This child would always ensure communication and interaction between the two of you.
The oil of a relationship is forgiveness. It must never be in short supply because injuries and pains are constant features in a relationship. There is no way a couple can avoid hurting each other, some very painful and thoughtless. When such moments occur, it takes the strength of the love and commitment to pull through.
Unless you are admitting that your love for him lacks proper foundation and strength of character to pull both of you out of these doldrums. Achieving this requires so much understanding and willingness on your part.
To help you get to the point of complete forgiveness, ask yourself what this man means to you! What do you like most about him? What makes him very different from all the other men you have met since you started dating? There must be something very special about him to make you get pregnant and planning for a future with him.
How are you sure the next man you would meet won’t treat you more shabbily than this man? Recalling all the special moments you have spent together as well as the future you both plan would make this betrayal easiest to bear.
Another way to ensure you constantly remain his heroine is to allow your forgiveness come from the heart. True forgiveness is the only way to survive and be happy in the human jungle called life.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am 21 years of age. I am in a relationship with this man who has agreed to marry me.
However, recently I noticed he has gotten into the habit of hiding his phone from me.
Somehow I managed to get his phone, went through his text messages until I chanced on a suspicious text message from a lady.
He didn’t give me any convincing answer when I confronted him with my findings but came back to beg for my forgiveness.
Please I am confused because I am two-month pregnant for this man. Should I terminate the pregnancy?
Confused Lady.
Dear Confused Lady,
Don’t, under any circumstances, terminate the pregnancy. You didn’t create the life growing inside of you, so to harm it is to call to question the wisdom of God in giving you that child.
Besides, the child is an innocent party in all these. It didn’t ask to be born. You and your boyfriend took the decision without consulting it whether it wanted either or both of you as its parents.
And would you have on account of the betrayal of you by its father considered killing it had it been born already? To terminate the pregnancy is to commit a crime you may never get pardoned for. So don’t try your luck because this child might just be the only one you are destined to have.
In addition, you could end up losing your life in the process of aborting it and what would have been your gain, that your man betrayed you?
Is that enough reason to commit suicide?
Having come back to beg for your forgiveness, why not allow the past be? There is no relationship without issues like this. At least he tried hiding the knowledge from you, which speaks of the high regards he has for you as a person. He cares and loves you. If he didn’t, he would have called your bluff and condemned you for going through his phone, which would have presented you as the guilty party because going through his phone was a breach of his privacy. Being his girlfriend or wife doesn’t make it right for you to go through his phone.
Allow peace reign by forgiving him. At least this is one relationship crime he would think twice before engaging in it again.
That you found out would never make it easy for him to do it again. His refusal to lie about it as well as the dignity he handled the matter shows a man whose feelings are deep.
Although completely wrong, having another woman in his life doesn’t mean he loves you less. It is just that some men find it extremely difficult to resist the adventure of dating other women.
Primarily men are hunters and easily get excited by what they see. A wise woman wishing to keep her home would not do the silly thing of engaging them in an emotional war or quarrels.
God may be using this situation to point you at the area of danger in your relationship. What is required is for you to pray and not get into hasty decisions.
Whether you realise it or not, you and this man through the child in your womb, have embarked on a permanent relationship irrespective of whatever happens later in life.
This child would always ensure communication and interaction between the two of you.
The oil of a relationship is forgiveness. It must never be in short supply because injuries and pains are constant features in a relationship. There is no way a couple can avoid hurting each other, some very painful and thoughtless. When such moments occur, it takes the strength of the love and commitment to pull through.
Unless you are admitting that your love for him lacks proper foundation and strength of character to pull both of you out of these doldrums. Achieving this requires so much understanding and willingness on your part.
To help you get to the point of complete forgiveness, ask yourself what this man means to you! What do you like most about him? What makes him very different from all the other men you have met since you started dating? There must be something very special about him to make you get pregnant and planning for a future with him.
How are you sure the next man you would meet won’t treat you more shabbily than this man? Recalling all the special moments you have spent together as well as the future you both plan would make this betrayal easiest to bear.
Another way to ensure you constantly remain his heroine is to allow your forgiveness come from the heart. True forgiveness is the only way to survive and be happy in the human jungle called life.
Good luck.
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