Dear Agatha,
I am the first of a family of five children, four girls and a boy.
I came to live with my maternal aunty immediately after my secondary school education in 2000 with the hope of looking for a trade or employment to assist my family.
Against the wishes of my aunty and cousins I left to be on my own after six years of staying with them.
But I wanted to have a place of my own so I could bring my family to stay with me. Despite my sacrifices, I am confronted with a sister who seems to hate my guts and who has no respect for my person at all. She has simply refused to accept the fact that she isn’t like other girls and some of her friends who come from privileged homes. Here I am sweating it out daily, trying to make ends meet; sometimes going to the extent of borrowing money each time she comes around to demand for money or something else. It was mini hell for me while she was in school. Simply because she wanted to live big, she made all sorts of huge demands of me. It was tough for me but I endured it all.
I did all these without a boyfriend or assistance from anybody. While I was sponsoring their education, I also sent myself for computer training to enhance my employment opportunities.
Since she came to stay with me, she has become pain in the neck for me. Although I have a new job that pays slightly better than my former job. I have to relocate to another place nearer my office because of the money I spend on transportation from my former place. The accommodation is a little expensive, but better than what I spend on transportation from our former place.
This sister of mine who has now gotten a job and runs a small call centre, earns more than I do but has refused to help financially in the house. I still shoulder the house rent on my own, primarily to avoid problems with her. But due to irregular salaries at my place of work, I told her we share the cost of feeding, a move our parents are in support of.
Since then she has become more than a thorn in my flesh. The fact that she earns more than I do has made her so insolent and unbearable to live with. She has problems with us all in the house. Recently, she tore a N200 note due to disagreement with her immediate elder sister.
Recently too I asked everybody in the house to bag all Sunday clothes to make room on the hanger and to make the place neater. Even mine were bagged. Everybody, but her adhered to my instructions and when I challenged her, she didn’t stop at questioning my rights but also hurled abuses at me. I was so angry I slapped her and to my shock she also slapped me. She has also taken to singing provocative songs. I am no longer happy with her. Rather than allow this hatred to grow, I am contemplating asking her to leave my house because not even my parents help me with any of the bills.
She has refused to contribute money for feeding and yet doesn’t have any qualms eating from the food I prepare with my money, despite the fact that she earns more than my immediate younger sister and me.
Agatha, I can’t continue with all these insults. I insist she leaves my house or I leave it for her and my two younger ones, because I know how many times I have called severally to ask why she behaves the way she does.
My parents have also tried to intervene severally, reminding her of my sacrifices to the family. Each time she blames the devil for her behaviour and always promise to change, she never does. The house rent will expire in November and I am seriously thinking of leaving the accommodation to begin a new life. I don’t want to die before my time or continually be accused of being jealous of anybody’s fortune. I also don’t intend to be killed by anybody. I am actually scared of her these days. Besides, I am also thinking of going further on my study on part-time basis. Agatha, would throwing her things out of my house solve the problem? I am trying so hard to prevent people from noticing what is happening because it’s too shameful.
I am tired of her and can’t continue like this. Please help me.
Ngoo.
Dear Ngoo,
Sibling rivalry is as old as the Bible days when Cain killed Abel out of envy. Almost every family has someone like your sister. Eventually some of them come to realise their mistake and change, while others never do. It is all part of life, part of your history as a family as well as your own memoirs as an individual.
Rather than get upset and bothered about her attitude, concentrate on learning the lessons God wants you to learn from her. This is what counts at the end of the day. She may be your sibling but God wants to use her to prepare you for life’s challenges. Remember He knows you more than you do yourself as well as what He wants to accomplish with your life.
While it will be easier for you to quit the house, you can’t quit the relationship between the two of you. She remains part of you, your blood and early life history. These are vital issues you cannot divorce yourself from. Were she your mother-in-law who has come to live with you permanently, would you consider quitting your home for her? No, rather, you would stay and make it work.
Having elected to help your family, don’t allow the ingratitude of one person makes you change. You will end up hurting others who are on your side.
Of what use would your sacrifices be if you leave them now? What makes you think leaving the house would solve the problem of her contributing to the upkeep of the family? What she doesn’t have, she cannot give. She simply wasn’t built to care for people the way you were designed to by God, so ignore her.
You also have to look at your own attitude too. Sometimes when we find ourselves at the head of a family at a very tender age, we tend to lord it over everybody. Are you sure you are not making your importance in the family suffocating? The others may be too timid to protest your lordship over everybody including your parents. She may just be acting out the buried resentment of the others. Do a thorough critique of yourself to avoid being alone at the end of the day.
The truth is if you leave, your siblings will eventually migrate to your new place, when they are thrown outside by the landlord due to unpaid rents. What makes you think your sister would change overnight to pick bills she has never been ready to pay?
The best that can be done is to ask her to give her the option of leaving if she feels too big to conform to your rules. In giving her this option, make her realise that you are fed up of her insults and insolence. That for her to continue to live with you she has to learn to submit to your authority or quit the house amicably before you are forced to send her packing.
She has gotten away with her behaviour because you are rather afraid to enforce discipline. It isn’t by fighting that you get things done. There are various ways to beat someone who is out of line back into it.
Being the first of them all, you have to set certain ground rules in your home. Running away to take resident in another place will only make you a coward. Would you run away from your matrimonial home if she were your sister-in-law? Learn from now to fight for respect and autonomy of your space.
Taking your stance doesn’t mean you hate her but a signal to her and all the others who may want to take a cue from her that no society or place can function without respect for rules and regulations.
Importantly, ensure your parents are involved in all the process to avoid a division in the family.
Also, being the eldest, it is your lot to ensure unity. Hence, learn to pray for all your siblings especially this sister of yours to avoid entrenching a foundational problem that may last forever.
Good luck.
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