Dear Agatha,
I appreciate your wisdom so much that I cannot fail to share my most intimate fear with you. I am a 34-year-old man living abroad, but I take out time to read your views often via Internet. I love your practical views on life so much that I feel like sharing my intimacy with you.
I suffered so much pain and agony in my last relationship that I had no other option than filing for divorce and getting on with my bruised life. My ex, our two children and I, joined my in-laws here, and suddenly the relationship turned to servant-master relationship, which I resisted and they decided to deal with me.
Before then, I was having issues with my wife, which ranged from resentment, humiliation and disrespect when I lost my job. I later got a better job, but that was the period the issue of coming abroad came up. It was a tough choice to make between my new job and giving my children the chance of coming abroad to better facilities.
Knowing that they stand better chances of quality education here, and since we were being invited, getting our travelling documents was easy, a chance I may never get again. So I decided to come with them. It was then the bossing around started. My wife and her family told me pointedly that I owed them a lot, because they facilitated my coming abroad. Because of that they dictated what I could do and what I couldn’t. Life became so miserable as I have no friend or relation to talk to.
After five months of staying with her family to be on our own. She steadily became worse as she refused to co-operate with me on anything. At a point I started seeing her with another man and confronted her, she said it was not my business that she has already told me she doesn't feel anything for me any more. She was always irritable, nothing I do, pleased her. She finally left me.
Despite leaving me of her own volition, she initiated court proceedings against me on the grounds of martial abuse and threat to life. She prayed for restriction order and my prosecution all of which the court dismissed and chastised her for lack of respect for her marriage.
It has been a year since we separated and I am thinking of moving on with my life.
There is this nice lady I planned to settle down with when I come back home. To my dismay, I just discovered she is academically dull; I love her so much but don't know how she can cope with the standard of foreign education when she is finding it very difficult to cope in Nigerian. I was hoping to send her to school here until I found out she didn’t pass her degree examinations. Already, I am under pressure here, paying to support for my children. It has also dawned on me that there is a need for economic consideration to be made not just love, as I would certainly need support from the woman who becomes my wife.
What do you think? I am afraid, economic stress may trigger another bad relationship, love or no love. I don’t know how to explain this to her, as she would definitely get hurt.
Your advice and sagely view will be highly appreciated and considered
Anonymous.
Dear Anonymous,
For how long have you known this woman? How far and deep have your discussions with her gone? What sort of person is she? Would she accept those children as hers? What sort of stepmother would she be to those children who need all the love and attention to grow healthy? What impression of yourself have you given her, and importantly what impression does she have of your staying abroad and the marriage institution generally?
If her impression of you is that of a millionaire, on account of you living abroad, your fears about the economic angle cannot therefore be dismissed. Having made a terrible mistake once, you must be careful not to make a greater mistake to avoid labelling yourself as an impossible man to live with.
Granted, the custody of the children is putting you under pressure to get them a new mother, however there is the need for caution so as not to inflict your children with more emotional trauma than they are already coping with. As a matter of fact you need their consent and support to bring in another woman, because she would not just be your wife but their mother as well. Therefore they have every right to know who this woman who is going to be occupying this important position in all their lives is before she becomes a permanent member of the family. Since this woman you plan to replace their mother with is in Nigeria, it might be a little difficult for you to organize their interactions first. Therefore, begin the sensitization before sending for this woman or any other woman you plan to marry from Nigeria.
Frankly, the interest of your children is more important than any economic consideration, because if you make a mistake with their feelings you may never get another chance to redeem it no matter how rich you become in life.
Must this woman have excellent intelligence before she can make you a good wife? Are you marrying her for the degrees she has or for the quality that would make you forget the mistake of your first marriage? What works for you? By now, you should know that marriage isn’t about the degrees one has, how rich or beautiful physically the person is, rather, it has to do with loyalty and commitment to one’s partner. If you and your former wife found the right ingredients, your marriage would have been able to overcome the hurdles her parents’ attitude and position put the marriage through. That it didn’t shows that certain things we consider important at the end of the day do not count after the relationship has been subjected to challenges of the laundry room.
If you love this woman as you say, why not call her and tell her about your situation, worries and expectations? Also hear what her vision for herself is. While some people are gifted academically, some are born into business. Don’t assume that because she appears to be on the down side of the academic ladder, she lacks the intelligence to make it in other areas of life. Her acumen and doggedness about issues are what should interest and engage your interest. Since you are the one with the knowledge of the place, why not investigate the type of business or job that doesn’t require premium degree to do? What she needs to get by is effective communication since she isn’t a complete illiterate.
It doesn’t have to be over. Sharing your fears with her would point you both at the many alternatives God in His wisdom always provide us with. But because you have been hurt and going through pressures, you can’t see beyond your immediate vicinity. Allowing innovation into your space will definitely open you up to the beauty God has invested in this life for you.
If you are honest with her, chances are that she would give you her best. Take care of those children like hers and the support to ease your financial worries. Many problems come in relationships and marriages when people are not honest, pretend to be who they are not and leave the other person grappling in the dark. If you allow her stay with the impression that life is very rosy for you, there is no way she would consider doing something to help you. Instead she would begin to nag your attitude and selfishness, and at the end of the day resent you for bringing her aboard to suffer.
But once she knows it is a life of struggling she is coming to when she joins you, you give her ample chance to either accept your proposal or reject you from the outset.
Because of your previous mistake, don’t leave God out of this important decision you are about to make. To do that would be to cause more problems for yourself and children. Pray before making any more move.
Good luck.
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