He Hates Me For Offering Better Lifeline

Dear Agatha,

God will keep blessing you with bountiful wisdom to always put us through our problems.

I am 25-year-old, dating a guy, 29. Our relationship is three years old.

When we first met, he lied to me about his educational status. He told me he was a part-time student in Lagos State while I was schooling in Ogun State.

I later discovered he has only an Ordinary National Diploma and that he being in school was a blatant lie. He is more interested in travelling abroad than going back to school.

I have tried unsuccessfully to advise him on the need for him to concentrate on his education instead of wasting time pursuing what is increasingly appearing to be an elusive dream. My concern is for him to at least keep improving on himself while still awaiting the opportunity to travel out.

But he won’t listen. He is more interested in wasting precious time waiting to get a visa, which isn’t forthcoming.

I have gotten to the limit of my patient since it appears he doesn’t want to discuss his plans with me any more, in his opinion I am always discouraging him.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Confused Girl.

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Dear Confused Girl,

Usually when the bug to travel bites hard, its victims are left without any sense of responsibility than to travel out. Unfortunately, your boyfriend belongs to the group of persons who are under the illusion that they can’t make it in this country until they travel out.

With his mind all twisted up and channelled towards going abroad, nothing you say or do would make sense to him until he goes to where he has set his mind. At this stage of his delusion his mind is blocked to all well meaning suggestions, and may begin to even suspect you of being the reason nothing is working out for him in that direction.

Sincerely, there is no meaningful relationship that can grow between the two of you with him living in this mixed up. He is like someone under the influence of drugs and I tell you, this is an addiction that could consume your own dreams if you are not careful.

You have a choice to continue to put up with this dreamer or quit to pursue your own dream. His situation is a typical case of everything being put on hold, until he gets the opportunity of travelling. He doesn’t care if his waiting period is forever, what matters to him is leaving the shores of Nigeria.

Even if he listens to you now and agrees to go back to school or pursue other things, he will still come back to it even if you are able to persuade him to marry you along the line. Chances are that he would pressurise as well as blackmail you to invest your money to help him actualise his dreams. Not only would this deprive you of your own dreams but those the children you may have had eventually.

Be careful, you know what you are doing because at the end of the day, you would be the one left to hold onto the wrong side of the candle.

Yes, he may come for you eventually but at what cost? At 29, he isn’t exactly a spring chicken. By now he should have wrapped up his education, given himself a fair foundation in life. If at this age, he is still pursuing dreams rather than visions, something is wrong with his whole concept to life. Are you willing to take a chance on him?

At 25, you are nearing the age when most women get serious about their lives, when they begin to plan for it, even if they are not planning on settling down yet.

If you are not careful, this man would continue to drag you back anytime you plan advancement in your life.

Not every relationship is meant to end in marriage. Having stayed with him for three years, demonstrated your love and support, it is time he too did the same thing for you if he really cares about you.

This is why you must sit him down to discuss, to ask patent questions concerning your place in his life as well as his plans for you. Also ask him what he intends to do if eventually he never succeeds in getting a visa to travel out. And if he gets the visa, ask him how he plans to raise the money for the ticket as well as support himself there.

His response to you and your worries will tell you more than anything or any one what you should do at the end of the day.

Furthermore, this calls for reality, honesty and boldness to face your future. Like you said, your future too is involved. While he reserves the right to toy with his, don’t allow him mess up yours. He lacks the right to do that for you.

Believe me, this is one classic instance when love may not be able to keep the two of you together after a while. Love can only flourish if there is a reasonable level of cooperation in a relationship. If he told lie once about something as basic as his education, he can do it again on something more important, something that could end up hurting you deeply.

Your choice would depend on what you in particular want in life and how much you value your happiness.

Good luck.

That She Can’t Flaunt Our Love Wanes My Feelings

Dear Agatha,

There is this girl I love so much, and have come to put up with her attitude. Although, she claims to love me, I am surprised that whenever we are together or walking along the campus she doesn’t allow me to either hold or touch her.

If I make the mistake of doing that she complains. To prevent annoying her, I do as she says.

But the truth is that I am becoming fed up with this attitude of hers. Her excuse is that she dislikes a man touching her on the body. Now, Agatha, tell me what I should do because right now my love for her is fading on account of her attitude.

I would, however, appreciate a solution that will bring back my old feelings for her.

Worried Boyfriend.

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Dear Worried Boyfriend,

You are getting fed up on account of her refusal to allow you touch her in public? Deep down, do you think that is enough reason the feelings you have for her begin to dwindle? What is the substance of your love for this lady? And what do you understand by love?

I can identify with frustration but to say your love is waning simply because she refuses you to put your stamp on her publicly shows she has every reason to be weary of you and your interpretation of what you say you feel for her.

What a relationship needs essentially is trust. And the man, especially, must have the confidence in himself to be able to trust in the woman. The issue here isn’t the fact that she isn’t allowing you to hold her in public but that of your motive for insisting on public proclamation of the status of your relationship with her.

Your love is fading because you are frustrated at her refusal to allow you prosecute your zeal of massaging your ego, that of putting a public brand on her as your exclusive territory.

The truth, not every relationship flourishes under such branding. Some people are private and don’t appreciate being made public spectacle of. They are private people who like to code their ways. This is something you should have found out first before attempting to foist your values on her. Relationship works best when the couple takes time out to first discuss each other’s interests as well as values. If she says she doesn’t feel comfortable with what you want, the ideal thing is to listen to her and to find out why she isn’t.

Imputing things to her attitude is to cause a problem the relationship may not survive to handle. She has told you she isn’t comfortable with a man touching her body, this explanation points at her upbringing, the values impacted into her, something which has become integral to her and would be difficult for her to give up now.

What you should do is to respect her stance on the matter and discuss the other options open to you. If the purpose is to signify your involvement with her and to ward-off possible rivals, being constantly in each other’s company is more than enough signal that you are both involved. Holding her hands or waist in public is an over-kill.

Rather than give up on this relationship or on yourselves, use this opportunity to bond. From what is happening, it is obvious that the two of you lack a good communication culture. If you had, this issue wouldn’t have degenerated to this level.

It isn’t too late to call her to discuss the way forward. If you are willing to employ patience, understanding, trust as well as trust, things will work out eventually. The success of a relationship depends on how much a couple is willingly to invest into it to make it work.

Good luck.