Help me to bid gay life bye forever…

Dear Agatha,
It is not in me to disturb the good people of Nigeria again. But as it stands now I don’t know what to do or how to go about solving my problems about to swallow me.
I wrote to you about two years ago on my sexual orientation, which you advised me and I listened to your advice. But one problem is still left unsolved. I have one more year to go in the university. I actually found myself gay just to meet up with financing my study. I explained everything to you, how I managed to see myself through the secondary school and get admission into the university.
When you published my case, I got many well-meaning calls. One man, Mohammed from Bauchi but resides in Lagos, picked my burden. He took up my academic bills from my 200 level, insisting that I should not go back to that ugly lifestyle. Well, I never went back, but things changed when a guy I don’t know whether to call a friend or not, but went by the name Desmond, picked his number from my phone. I didn’t know what they discussed but I later got to know that Desmond went to Lagos to see Him and many other things happened without my knowledge. I am not aware of this.
Mohammed started keeping his distance from me. I started having difficulties with meeting up with my academic demands. I am presently on my Industrial Training hoping to go back to school by October to finish up and get my B.sc so as to be useful to my country and the world.
I don’t want to go back to being a gay in order to meet up with huge commitment required of me by next semester. What should I do?  I wanted to keep some savings but the company (NNPC) where I am currently doing my Industrial Training does not pay much. From the little they pay, I feed myself and take care of other minor things I need. Each time I look at the calendar, I am discouraged because there appears to be no hope of going back to school simply because I had made up my mind that I will never do that again even if it will fetch me the whole money in this world.
I need books and other necessary thing to be able to do my final year exam in Geological Sciences and probably graduate with a First Class.
What do I do? I really need help.
Stevo.

Dear Steveo, 

Where there is a will, there is always a way. If you are determined to make it work for yourself, you will without going back on your resolve to succeed. It appears from your mail that you are simply trying to make an excuse to go back to your former life.

The difference between success and failure is the amount of determination an individual put into making a situation work. Sincerely, you aren’t putting in any effort beyond making excuses for your behaviour. There are some very determined young persons who would make savings from nothing, no matter how little, to pay their way through school. It is simply a matter of you cutting your clothes according to the material you have. 

Your problem is not the money you make but the kind of lifestyle you have been used to. You have built your taste and lifestyle to reflect the quantity of money you were getting from being a gay. 

Even if you get someone who will sponsor you, without you making a personal resolve to change your lifestyle, you will continue to swim in troubled water. 

Whatever your friend told your benefactor is immaterial. Besides, the person knew what you were into before electing to help you. So there is nothing your friend will tell him that would shock him. The truth is that his season in your life has expired. God brought him into your life to help stabilise you, wean you from the path you were treading. You cannot continue to depend on people in life to live your life. 

The time has come for you to define your life and there is no moment like the one you are currently in to make that choice. For once in your life, elect for the harder side of life. Hard work doesn’t kill. It instead gives character and dignity to one. 

Granted you have the right to be apprehensive about your tomorrow, set something aside from the little you are currently earning to begin a small business like going into second hand clothing to pay your way through your remaining year in school. Your orientation is what you have to change. It isn’t a crime to be poor. That you are struggling to pay your way through school doesn’t make you inferior. Inferiority is a function of the mind. One is only poor if you choose to be. 

Your help is from God. You need Him to help put your life in proper perspective as well strengthen you to face life with dignity.

Good luck. 

Re: Men superiority - a myth

Dear Agatha,

I had wanted to ignore this topic but I have just realised that the more I try to move away from it the more I tend to return to it! I am a man, a married one at that but I’m surely not an apologist for men to take delight in abusing women – though it is true that God Himself will help some women! However, when a woman (like the author of the mail you published under this heading) wants to cause confusion for other focused women, I find it difficult to stand by awatcah.

 It is true that before God all (men and women, all humans) are equal but that same God arrogated roles and responsibilities to each with an expectation of complimentary functionality for both. I don’t know whether that woman is a Christian in the first instance, if the answer is yes, does she read and understand the Bible (the word of God)? I would like her to answer a couple of questions for me like what is her understanding or the true meaning of the word “helpmate” as opposed to “alternate.” She should also help us to interpret the God’s pronouncements at the latter state of man (after the fall of man) as contained in Genesis 3 and that of Ephesians 5? God is not the author of confusion! 

Agatha, I do not harbour any gloated grin of satisfaction neither do I bask under these verses above to rub in on God’s provision, but have been very wary (and worried) of events that have befallen us all through the madness-blinded quest for equality with men by some undiscerning women! In their quest, they have led many astray, or what do you think is the source of the upsurge in divorces, separations and murders among couples which has taken the place of patience, endurance, prayers and faith in God in our women of today? Our women now go around town in the nude in the name of expressing their equality to men, baring their chest and barely covering their nudity forgetting that a man’s chest and body hardly any special attraction (ormotivator) points! 

 Lastly Agatha, God will continue to bless you for teaching our women and men values that are deep seated in God’s principles for life. On no account should you allow the likes of Letitia Akinyemi to intimidate you or make you colour your counsel to those in need. She should measure her popularity and that of her views on the a column like you have done and see how many will write back to thank her as thanks and praises keep flooding into your box daily. 

Thank you and remain blessed. 

 Essien 

Dear Agatha,

I read with amusement Letitia Akinyemi’s letter on the above subject. Her piece was dripping with anger, sarcasm, scorn and unbridled feminism. She is angry with men for claiming to own the world; she is sarcastic at the differences between the two sexes; she scoffs at men who cannot ‘measure up’ to women’s attainments in life and she is utterly embittered that men tend to take leadership roles.

There are today millions of women who think and act like Letitia. By their self-imposed jaundiced views, they make themselves misfits. They find it difficult to work with men, because by their predisposition, they misconstrue even the most innocent action of a man. They are rebellious in marriage and are generally suspicious of the intention of every man. It is such women who would not let a man take a space ahead of them in traffic, even if it was the man’s right to be allowed such space. They look down with disrespect at their male subordinates and superiors at work, because they just have to prove that the subordinate is not their match or their bosses are not better than them. If they are more intellectually endowed and excel in academics, they are obnoxious in displaying their brilliance, just to make the point that they have excelled above men. Such is the tormented world of these women.

While they are at this battle with themselves, nature is busy running its course and not paying any heed to their bitterness. For try as much as they will, these women who are jealous of men, cannot change the fact that a man and a woman are not the same biologically, emotionally, and spiritually. Basic knowledge of human anatomy shows that there is a world of difference between the two sexes. A mere look at the body structures will reveal that the man is coarsely built and the woman is more supple. The former is so built to be able to handle the rougher things of life and provide physical protection to the woman, while the latter is made receptive to the finer things of life. In this way, the two sexes are actually complementary. There are women who are as rough in their physical features as the average man and there are men who are effeminate in their appearance. These changes occur through careless cultivation of the exclusive attributes of the opposite sexes over time, in each instance.

The differences between the sexes are so abundant that it would take deliberate mischief to deny them. Even the strongest women wrestlers would be circumspect in challenging a male wrestler to the canvass. So it is in boxing, athletics, etc.

The real myth is in the claim by ‘women liberators’ like Letitia that they are the same as every man. That is not the way nature intended it to be. Letitia’s piece had many examples of how ‘powerful’ a woman really is over men. She struck the right note when she pointed out that the strongest of male rulers, despite their outward display of strength go back to the woman at home for guidance in decision making. And this is how God intended it to be; that the woman should be the real power behind the brute physical strength. Feminine intuition is therefore not an empty expression. 

The woman is not meant to be beneath the man, she is to be beside the man. So, the sexes are different and complementary. 

Letitia alluded to male physical brutality, but did not talk about female verbal brutality. She talked about the woman procreating, but fallaciously kept quiet about the vital role of the male to provide the sperm to fertilise the egg. The truth is that the roles assigned to each sex can be abdicated. And they have been largely abdicated, by millions who are seeking excuses to envy the other sex. They have simply failed to be good specimen of their own gender. Badness is not exclusive to men. Members of both sexes are steeped distorting their attributes and sink into debauchery and licentiousness. That is why the world is decadent and our values eroded, no less by arguments like the ones she advanced in that acidic piece. My alarm is that a diet of this thwarted philosophy is daily being fed our daughters by such enraged ‘evangelising’ women.

Let Letitia (no pun intended) learn to be a true woman and stop envying men’s wrong ways. A woman who abandons her role as a mother and wife, can only do so at a great cost; a female body coarsened by physical exertion would have difficulties in childbearing. And if such a woman must return to childbearing, she must allow the body to regain its suppleness over time (it may take some years!). A woman who envies men’s public office roles, will do so at the cost of her innate delicateness and refinement, not to talk of the well-being of her children; the hallmarks of a true woman and mother.

It is a matter of choice, but let these women know the price they should be willing to pay before they make their choice. Letitia wants women to be respected, but she needs to encourage her female folks to know that respect is earned not given where it is not merited. Most men believe they can ‘drill’ gracefulness and humility by brute force into women. They end up being mere violent men and batterers. What a proper man seeks to do is to withhold respect from a woman who is not fit enough to be given the queenly title of ‘woman’. Women that believe they can trample over men by vile methods of blackmail and scheming would not earn the respect of men, no matter how forceful they argue their case. Love begets love, respect begets respect and scorn only begets loathsomeness. Woman, play your God-given role in life and help lift your men out of their wrong paths; don’t seek to replace them or envy their wrong ways. Such thoughts are the fountain of the competitive spirit that drives some women to want to excel men in their vices. ‘Does the man think it is his exclusive right to be promiscuous?’ they ask. ‘He wants to be loose, I will be loose too,’ such women think and in the process throw away their dignity. As if at the end of the day, their Creator would judge them by the actions of their partners.

Joseph

Our sex life died when my husband got born again

Dear Agatha, 

Thanks for the advice you usually dole out to people, may God continue to grant you wisdom. Please help me before it is too late.
I am in my mid 30s and got married seven years ago to a wonderful friend of mine. We actually dated for two and a half years before getting married. We have a son. At the time we got married, none of us was born again as we had very active pre-marital sex life which we both claimed we cannot get elsewhere since we both had relationships before providence brought us together. 

About two years into our marital life, my husband became born again, months later I had no choice but to follow suit. We both became active in the church, serving on different committees. We became a reference point in the church as we became the epitome of what the ideal couple should be.
Unfortunately, the same thing cannot be said of us in our private life. Since becoming a born again Christian, my husband refuses to perform his duties to me as before. Initially we made love everyday and only went on break when I am having my period. We also experimented with different positions it was good and nice. After his new found faith, my husband does not care about me any longer, he believes there are better things to do than sleep with me.

 I am lucky if he agrees to make love to me once a month even at that I would have to cajole and cry before this and during the act he would say I should not hold him and he prefers a particular position where I can never achieve orgasm.

Agatha, of what use is sex if I cannot enjoy it? I believe in the sanctity of marriage and the faithfulness of the parties concerned. But I am dying in silence, I am not a nymphomaniac but I believe I should derive maximum satisfaction from my husband. St. Paul’s letter to the Corinthians in I Corinthians 7:3-5 concerns intimacy between couples and how it should not be denied but this has not changed my husband’s attitude. 

Right now he has not made love to me in six months! He believes he has a calling and that sex will be a huge distraction to him. He is becoming so selfish and doesn’t care about my feelings. I am scared of reporting this to the pastor because I believe this is personal and then how will people look at us in church again? I had to re-establish communication with an ex-boyfriend but I am scared of doing this because of the repercussions. Please Agatha, help me before I do something bad to myself.

Lizzy.

Dear Lizzy, 

This is a very serious matter that requires utmost wisdom and caution to save your marriage from collapse. There is no way you can on your own resolve this problem without getting help from the people who are experienced in marriage and the ministry. 

You need the help of your pastor to get through to him, to remind him of the importance of his marriage to his ministry. Don’t be ashamed to seek for the help from those in the best position to educate him because it is your right to enjoy your husband and marriage. 

If you continue to depend on your wisdom, with the extent he has gone, you may not be able to get him to listen to your reason or get him to appreciate the loneliness crowding you. For this reason, you must act quickly before you are tempted to do something you cannot tell the pastor or his wife. Begin with the wife because as a woman, she may be in the best position to appreciate what you are going through. One-on-one, express your fears and the challenges you are going through, including the fact that you are on the verge of having an extramarital affair with your ex. At this junction, don’t be shy to own up to the challenges you are facing in your home. We all need help from time to time to make things work in our homes and lives. 

Once the pastor and his wife are involved, it would be their duty to use the appropriate words of God to remind your husband of his duties to you and point him to the danger both to his image and ministry of having a broken home. Sincerely, it is not your voice or those of his family members he now considers spiritually inferior to his newfound faith that he needs. 

He needs the voice of those he has now formed confraternity with to educate him on the danger of leaving a full-bodied woman used to constant sex fallow.  

You also need the help of the marriage counsellor in the church to tutor on the place of sex in marriage, as well as the naked fact that God gave it as a special gift to married couples not just to procreate but to help them relax, bond, communicate and appreciate the values of being together. 

He has to stop seeing sex as being dirty but something God gave to mankind to enjoy within the bonds of marriage; that having sex in a marriage isn’t a sin hence he should not feel guilty at expressing himself in intimacy with his wife.

However, if the orientation of the church is such that sees sex as functional only for the purpose of procreation and not for recreation between a couple, in addition to prayers, you can also get books written by renowned religious leaders on the place of sex in the marriage. 

Spiritually, you need to resist this moment because a lot of times, the devil uses the things we are weak at to prevent the designs of God in our lives. There is no contesting the fact that your problem started even before your husband joined the church. 

From your letter, it is also obvious both of you didn’t cultivate the culture of discussing your desires before taking the decision to execute. He changed church without seeking your opinion while you followed to please him. 

By right, it is an issue both of you should have agreed on because the tenets of marriage demand that a couple must be in agreement on everything. You should have demanded at that point for his reason as well as his focus. Marriage isn’t just about having good sex, it is a combination of everything. You made the costly mistake of premising everything about you marriage on sex so much so you didn’t even give yourself a chance to study the behaviour and mindset of the man you were married to. 

As long as he was ready to satisfy your sexual urges you were happy to allow him the freedom to fly. In a way you unwittingly nurtured him not to consult you on anything, take decisions on your behalf and implement without recourse to your person. His attitude really has nothing to do with him changing church but simply a demonstration of who he really is, the person you previously ignored. You two didn’t grow friendship because you were too involved in the sexual aspect of your union. The consequence is that you both don’t have anything to fall back on, to pull you out of this abyss your relationship is going into.

Because his habit is formed and beyond what you can do on your own, there is also the need to commit this side of him to God in prayers. By not blaming the church and instead focusing on your own contributions to the problem you have on hand, your prayer point would be easier to define. 

Don’t for the sake of your children and essentially for your own peace of mind, do anything to compromise your marriage. There is hardly any marriage that is free of challenges; if nothing, be grateful that you are not losing him to another woman. It could have been worse if he is rejecting you for another woman in his life. 

No matter how frustrating for you, you shouldn’t have re-established contact with your ex. You didn’t act right; besides, it makes you appear too desperate to have sex without caring about the consequences. 

While your husband is wrong to have abandoned his responsibilities to you, it is also wrong for you to be overtly desperate for sex. If your husband were away for a year on a course abroad, won’t you cope? If you were caught the focus would remove from what pushed you into it but to you betraying your husband. Hard as it is for you, good judgment demands you put a strong restrain on yourself.

Frankly, this is when you need God the most, as well as learn to train yourself for the challenges of marriage. It isn’t every time we get what we want from our spouses. Marriage is learning about sacrifices, as well as adjusting to the demands of the moment. You have to be ready to key into his vision for him to understand what you are going through as a woman. Don’t worry, God will help make it right for you provided you are ready to rely on Him completely. 

Good luck.