Dear Agatha,
I urgently need your help over this emotional dispute I am experiencing. Three years ago, I met this girl whom I fell in love with from the very first moments because I knew she was the right woman for me.
After a while, I made known my intentions to her and my family members who went with me to see her family members to perform some traditional marital rites.
However, a year after this ceremony, my family suddenly told me they were no longer in support of us getting married. When I demanded to know why the change in their position, no reason was given to me other than to insist she wasn't the right woman for me.
When I insisted that it was either this woman or no other woman, they disowned me. I am so confused because I don't know what to do again.
Disturbed Man.
Dear Disturbed Man,
For your family to take such a drastic decision, they must have observed certain disturbing trends in her. There is no smoke without fire. But because you are at the center of it all, you may not know until it might be too late.
Even though they are wrong not to have told you pointedly why they are insisting on their current position; I am sure before you all got to this point, they must have mentioned one or two things they don't like about her.
There is no way they would have taken this monumental decision without giving you an inkling of their new position about her different from the time you went for the traditional marriage.
Can you think objectively about anything they have kept complaining about which you consider irrelevant? What conditions gave them the advantage to study her with such intimacy to make them come to this conclusion? Do you both live with your parents or other family members? If you both stay within the family compound or in the same place where other members of your family live, there is no way this wouldn't happen. This is because she is still a stranger with ways and manners quite different from what your family is used to.
When a stranger, especially a woman comes to live with her in-laws; there is always the tendency of both of them ending up with bitter feelings because of the different ways they view things. For instance your family would want her to instantly begin to behave like them while she may not see any reason to change the way she does things to please them.
What you would tolerate as her man, the patience and understanding to help her acclimatise, your family members would never have. So a conflict of emotions and interest is bound to come to play.
As a wise man, your place is not to aggravate the situation because both your wife and members of your family are important components of your existence hence you need to be diplomatic when dealing with either of them.
Even though you can pretend that your family isn't important; it is only for a while because whatever you are, they factored into you those qualities that attracted your wife to you. Yes one gets to an age when all laws recognise and bow to individual rights as well as decisions but for one to be happy, it has put into consideration the views of others. It is important even when you know you aren't prepared to take in their suggestions you still show respect for them. This is because a time would always come into your relationship with your partner when only the love and support of your family members would help you carry on.
No matter how smooth sailing a relationship appears to be from the beginning there are always invisible bumpy rides to be encountered; challenges that would involve one or two other persons interventions.
It is because of a time like this you need to exercise caution with the way you react to your family's position. Even when apparent that they are out to hurt you by going a different way from yours, still exercise the patience to understand their reasons for it. After all, it isn't as if your family has someone lined up for you or against your marriage except to say they are withdrawing the support they freely gave you initially to marry this lady.
If for nothing else, go back in time to when they gladly went with you to her family; escorted you to perform some traditional rites. Something fundamental must have taken place between then and now. What about your girlfriend what does she knows about the situation? Being at the center of this whole drama, she must have been told one thing or the other by certain members of your family for her to know that things aren't the same any more between her and them. Ask her if she did anything wrong or behaved in a way that must have brought about this gang-up. At least someone should be able to say something in her defense can you identify who the weak chain is in your family that would honestly tell you what happened if she still insists on her innocence?
Or is the matter a simple case of her not being able to get pregnant? When in-laws withdraw their support totally, it is either the woman is completely bad or unable to give them a long expected grandchild. Find out which is yours? If it is a simple case of not being able to get pregnant, let your family know that much as you appreciate their concern; that you and your woman should be left to decide when the babies would come.
In sourcing for a solution that would be permanent; you may have to take some far reaching decisions that you may have currently left hanging. One is the accommodation arrangement. Where do you both live? Is it in your family house? If yes, you are not only being unfair to this young lady and also to your relationship. There is no way you both can ever hope to get the type of happiness and motivation to succeed while domicile in the cocoon of your family's embrace. Without meaning to, they would always have reasons to interfere and in the process make complicated things between you and your woman. Even though the motive may be good but the result is never what they intend because most things in life don't end up the way we plan them from the onset.
She too may not have set out to be rude or act in whatever negative ways she is being accused of by your family but your family could end up with the wrong end of the stick and bluntly refuse to listen to the voice of reason.
Unless you who brought the two parties together have the determination to remain neutral and take some seemingly difficult decisions now, everybody would end up fighting each other. Take her away as soon as possible from the proxy of your family members. You and your woman should begin a new life in another place until the situation thaws. Often time when people keep their distances, time comes to their aid to make perfect those things that were never wonderful. Repairs come in our relationship when space is given for people to maul over their hurt, disappointment and also have regrets at what would have been. It is only after all these emotions are expressed before genuine healings can begin. So for now, don't attempt to push anything because they will never listen to the voice of reason.
If when you went for the traditional rites, you paid her dowry, it means under native laws and customs you are both married hence the issue of you leaving her is absolutely out of the question.
While insisting you cannot leave her, find a way of getting someone in your family to support you. There is no way her rejection among your family members can be total. Someone would certainly not totally go with them so find that person out to help you water down the resistance. The motive is not to get them to support your decision to go ahead with the marriage but to prevent permanent strain between you and your family. A door of communication must be left opened for the future.
This is because a time would certainly come when you would either need them or they would need you for one important favour or the other. If the door is closed firmly now against such development neither of you may find the right key to open the door again. The result of such is permanent hatred within the family. Besides, as one too wishing to have children as well as leave behind a good legacy, you must be careful about the seed you sow today in the lives of others.
This is because nobody ever prays for disaffection to happen between his or her children. Therefore you must apply a lot of caution in the handling of this type of crisis.
You can only be justified if they all remain adamant and very uncompromising, but even at that, refrain from saying or doing anything that would further complicate the situation. Beyond telling them that you should be left alone to sail or sink with the only woman who makes you very happy, don't be rude or say anything in anger because anything said in anger may never be reversible again.
As for your woman, insist she stays clear of whatever the issues are and that even if your family members insist on being rude to her or refuse to respond to her greetings or courtesies, she should not stop greeting them.
Even though she is the reason for their attitude, she should not allow herself to be the continued cause of enmity between you and them.
Importantly, in the interest of your union, don't ignore whatever you find out may be the reason for their behaviour. For the sake of your peace of mind as well as the health of your home, work on the problems long before you begin to notice them yourself. And one way of ensuring you are able to cope is by learning to accept them as integral part of the woman you have expressed the wish to spend the rest of your life with.
And once you commit everything to the hands of God, no matter what the problems are, they will disappear.
Good luck
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