How Can I Choose Between Two Lovers?

Dear Agatha,

Thank you for the wonderful work you are doing. I want to share what I am currently passing through with you. I have had this friend for quite some time now. He has been asking me to marry him but unfortunately, I don’t have any feeling for him. There is another man I am in love with; we have been on for 18 months now. He is also asking me to marry him; the problem is that I am still running my part-time programme which makes the prospect of being a wife and probably mother unappealing now. Besides I am just 23 years of age. What do I do and how best do I handle this matter?

Worried Girl.

Dear Worried Girl,

The question is, what do you want now? There is no way you will get around this problem if you are confused about your own desires and dreams. 

Life is about having a workable scale of preference; one though subject to minor changes but with very definite focus. Obviously you lack a clear agenda of what you want and the time you want them accomplished. 

This is why you cannot be précised about what you want. With a defined focus comes passion for honesty.  This is because deep within you, you know that without sticking to the truth always, the chances of you ever accomplishing your dream would become nullity. 

If you don’t love the first guy, why are you still keeping him, giving him the impression you do and allowing him to build hopes that apparently doesn’t exist? What is the essence of nurturing a relationship you know deep down you are not interested in? What is preventing you from being honest with this man and freeing him to pursue something with a woman who will be serious with him?

At what age do you think you would be ready for marriage? The issue you raised about not being able to cope with your education as well as being a wife and mother appears not to be the main thing; at least not as important as the subject of your age. You must clear this little confusion to enable you have clear insight into the challenge at hand. 

Had you being older and you find yourself in these circumstances you think are now insurmountable, would you still be so confused on which direction to go?

If you actually love this man as you claim, you won’t still be cheating on him with your first boyfriend. You would have stopped whatever thing, no matter how causal with the first man. It is called respect for the man in your life. If despite your claims about not being in love with your first boyfriend, you are still keeping the relationship alive, it only means that you don’t love this second man at all. It is also a clear indication that you don’t even know what love is; that you are instead in love with the idea of being in love. 

True love will never deliberately do anything to hurt the feelings of the other party. It comes with a kind of friendship that seeks to protect the other person from hurt and pains. It also comes with tremendous kind of sacrifices.

Therefore you must know what you feel for this man to enable you make the right decision. 

It is only when you know this that you will know the kind of choices and sacrifices you have to make. 

To help you, try to answer these questions with as much honesty as you can. Do you see yourself going old, wrinkled and grey with this man? Do you think he has that extra-special quality to bring out the best in you and you in him, no matter the prevailing circumstances? 

Relationship and marriage go beyond two people performing the ritual of signing dotted lines. The coming together must go beyond the physical to the spiritual. It must get to the souls of the persons to be worthwhile. 

It is only when you see yourself in the body of that person that will have the zeal to do the unusual. The question is how much of yourself do you see in this man?

Your hesitation at his offer is instructive hence the urgent need for you to be introspective. What has your age got to do with it? Is it that you feel you still have time to make another choice or some time to enjoy your freedom before going into all those responsibilities marriage come with?

If it is just a case of trepidation on account of all the tasks that come with the wedding ring, these problems can be managed with the right kind of planning. It is simply a matter of you and your man agreeing on what you both want for now. There is a law that says you must have a baby in the first year of your marriage. Even if the society and family want you to, it is still the prerogative of you and your man to decide on when to. 

If he agrees, you could finish school before having a baby to make things easy for you. Another way out is to have someone or a paid help come live with you to assist you with the house chores. 

Besides, if you and your husband have the perfect understanding as well as healthy respect for your unique roles in the house, he can help with the domestic work to ease the burden on you.

You must however discuss your inherent fears with him as well as solicit for his understanding and appreciation; not assume he is bound to do it. 

But if your concern comes from not being sure of the whole business of marriage now, don’t try to force yourself into something you are not sure of. Be bold enough to share your fears and conclusions with him. This way, you save yourself and him some very stressful moments in life. This is essential because marriage is a journey of a lifetime and you must do everything in the beginning of its journey to avoid regrets and lamentation. 

Above all, go to God in prayers for His leading and instruction on the best way to go.

Good luck. 

My Wife Has Strange Fantasies

Dear Agatha

I am a 32-year-old consultant in a private company; who was once a happy man and a delight to his spouse of four years. She is 34 and a banker in Lagos. 

Our problem started last year; April to be précise. On our way to Badagry beach, she tried to fondle my manhood while driving. I stopped her immediately due to the sensitive nature of my position. 

When we got to the beach, she refused to relate with me like before and instead rebuffed every move or advance I made towards her. I tried to make her understand the reasons behind my actions but she rejected it; not even when I told her it was to avoid an accident on the road. 

The matter seemed to have died when we got home and made love in our usual manner. But I got irritated when she requested for oral sex. I found it strange because in our four years of marriage, she has never made such a request. Personally, I find it very irritating.

Needless to say, that night ended in us quarrelling. Agatha, since then I have not known peace in my home as nothing I do excites her anymore. 

She has also taken to denying me sex; thereby endangering my love, sex life and most importantly my faithfulness to her. I have exhausted all avenues I know to revive this union but all my efforts so far have proved abortive. Besides, I feel shy to tell our pastor or our parents this incident. Please advise me because I am making moves to end this marriage. Though, I still love her seriously but this past nine months seem like eternity to me. 

Jide.

Dear Jide, 

Marriage is always a tough journey; one that can only succeed if the couple has the passion to make compromises. There are no perfect marriages but perfect determination to make it work at all cost.

From all that you have said, it is obvious you and your woman are ignorant of how to achieve the best in your love life. It is so clear you both lack the right kind of language to use in the bedroom. If she wants oral sex and you don’t want it, it shouldn’t cause any problem if you both have the right kind of attitude. 

If you are driving and she craves for the excitement of having you right there and then, what stopped you from parking in a quiet area of the road to express yourselves? Sex doesn’t have to be planned or done in an organised setting always. Marriage is all about excitement and spontaneity. Sex in marriage becomes dull and very unexciting when it has a familiar pattern and setting. To keep it alive and stop either party from looking beyond the bounds of marriage, couples must learn to interpret and express it differently.

Instead of brushing aside her hand when she indicated her desire for you at that point, a lot would have been achieved if you had told her as lovingly as possible that you are looking for a quiet place to park the car to avoid an accident. You should have allowed her hand to rest on you, slow down the speed of the car, to allow her that time she needs to feel you. After all, you were both going for a leisure ride so what was the hurry and who was watching? At any rate, you are married, with legitimate reasons to feel and do what you like. 

Even though it may appear unreasonable, especially as her actions could cause you to have an accident, your destination could have made her horny for you. You should have known how to receive her advances and not make her feel cheap by pushing away her longing. Though it may not have been intended by you, your gesture communicated irritation and rejection to her. 

And when you also failed to make love in that particular way she wanted that night it only served to confirm whatever opinion she may have come up with. That you had never made love in that manner doesn’t mean there is no trying it if only for the purpose of pleasing her. 

Both of you must rise above this self thing and embrace unified interest for the sake of your marriage. Throwing in the towel on account of this issue isn’t a solution because out there are women who also have ideas on how they want to be handled in bed. That she asked you to do it means it is something she had always craved for but bottled up for four years before allowing it to spill. One thing you should appreciate about her demand is the fact that she enjoyed that position in her past. At the point she demanded for it, is the peak of her resistance. She could no longer bear it. Rather than condemn her for expressing her preference, you should have obliged her by allowing her to teach you something new. At that point you should have been ready to compromise to appease her for that moment before explaining your aversion to it if there was any reason for it in the first place. By rejecting her proposition at that sensitive time, you unwittingly rejected her person and made mockery of her vulnerability. Many a time we discard wonderful suggestions based on our limited knowledge at the time and all because often time, we are too shy to ask for information. 

Ethics of marriage and good sex life in a marriage demand you should strive to please your spouse always, especially when it comes to sex to prevent the aggrieved party from seeking for emotional solace in the arms of an outsider. 

If you persistently refuse to oblige and take into consideration her emotional feelings and desire she would begin to suspect you of having an affair outside the home or that you find her unattractive.  

One thing you seem to be forgetting is your age difference. The fact that she is two years older than you, could make her begin to direct her thoughts in the wrong directions. She may begin to think you are finding her unattractive or too experienced for you. The earlier you take steps to correct this, the better for your marriage. 

There is no marriage without a definite problem. Both of you must find a way of patenting your marriage by coming together to freely discuss your differences. They may appear sharp but can be dulled if both of you have the dedication to make things happen. Sex is fundamental and must be treated with all the honesty and sensitivity it requires. Ideally in marriage, there should be no holds barred whatsoever when it comes to the degree of sexual enjoyment a couple should have. Marriage is meant to break down every inhibition between a man and woman at that point and if a party begins to feel that his or her partner lacks the maturity or open-mindedness to cope, it is bound to generate the kind of problems you are having in your home. 

Be humble enough to accept the fact that you didn’t handle this thing well. Humility is about subjecting yourself to the wishes of others. Apologise to her, and learn to listen to the many things she isn’t saying about the quality of sex she is getting from you. She wants more of different things and not of a particular thing. She wants to be made love to and not had sex with. There is a huge difference between love-making, which is a complete pack and sex, which is just part of the package.

Asking for oral sex comes with the package of love-making. It would do you both a world of good to listen to the salient things you are too busy in your different worlds to pay attention to. Being Christians doesn’t preclude a couple from taking full advantage of all the angles making love offers.

Don’t be shy to discuss with your pastor. He is trained by his callings to deal with such matters. 

 

Good luck.