He is still unsure of what he wants after 12 years

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I’m a lady of 28 years of age. My fiancé and I have been dating for more than 12 years now. He is the last born and only man of the family. Both families supported the relationship until 2008 when his mother died. It was after the death of his mother that they got to know that he built a house in our names. All his sisters condemned him for including my name in such an important project. They all wondered why he did that considering the fact that we are both not yet married. In their reasoning, it shows that I will prevent them from having unhindered access to their brother and his property when we eventually marry. We are still on the matter. Agatha, I am surprised because this is a man who has done so much for his father and sisters to establish them and make them independent of him. Painfully, my fiancé is weakening my position in his life and family by his attitude. One of the reasons they are giving for opposing his decision to include my name in the house documents has to do with the other ladies he has also introduced to the family. There is this one in particular, I have noticed around him for two years. When I confronted him, he had the grace to admit having a relationship with her. As a matter of fact, he confessed to being in love with the lady just as he is with me. His sisters have decided he should marry this other lady. According to the sister, what pains her about the whole development is the pregnancy my boyfriend asked the other lady to terminate. There is another lady who is always calling me on the phone to insult me. When I complained to my boyfriend, he apologised on her behalf. According to his sisters, they would prefer he remains single rather than marry me. Although I have indicated my interest to terminate the relationship, he is unwilling to let go of me just as he is also determined to hold on to the other lady. The lady is a northerner while we are both come from the western part of the country. Please, Agatha advise me on what to do because I have told him off. But he keeps saying, I shall surely come back to him even if out of anger I marry another man. I can’t explain it all. Worried Fiancée. Dear Worried Fiancée, The issue goes beyond what he wants to what you want. This is a man you have dated for 12 years. What prevented both of you from making your relationship permanent? It couldn’t have been due to lack of money so why did you both wait for this long? What were the issues you were both having in the relationship until things got to this point? Has he always had women in his life all these years? If not, at what point did he change? For him to have added your name to the documents of his house shows his feelings for you are real and that he has sufficient trust in your person. However his insistence on having the other woman too in his life along side you indicates that he may not be the kind of man that is satisfied with having one woman in his life. To be able to understand him, you must be objective about your relationship with him as well as his flaws and yours. Who is this man you have dated for 12 years? What are his plans for himself, his idea of marriage and his major concern in life? Having been with him for these number of years, you more than any of these women is in a better position to describe him. What has kept both of you together all these years? Would you describe him as a womaniser? Do you think he would ever let go of the other woman once his mind is made up about her? Since you appear unwilling too to go, do you see yourself agreeing to marry him irrespective of his other women? Do you see him being able to offer you the kind of protection you need against the hostility of his family members? Is the issue of the name on the documents the only reason his family is now against you? Why is the death of his mother affecting your relationship with him? Have you ever been pregnant for him before? Has he insisted you get pregnant for him? If you had, why did you terminate the pregnancy (ies)? Were the decision to terminate his or yours? And if you have never been pregnant, do you think this could be the reason he is insisting on marrying another woman? Why does his sisters prefer the other girl to you? Have you in the course of your relationship with him given his family the impression that without you nobody can have access to him? Your problem with him could also be that you have both outgrown your relationship. If you are 28, you obviously started dating him when you were merely 16 years of age. At that time, you didn’t know what you were going into. Besides your dream and interests then were of a different kind, not the kind you have with him now. Chances are both of you may have grown apart in ideas, feelings and dreams even though you have been able to keep the relationship going. Having become too familiar with yourselves, the relationship may have reached a peak you cannot move it forward for lack of ideas on what to do. This challenge, if properly handled, could help you in particular know your area of strength and weakness. Unless you develop the thirst to move it forward, it could all collapse like pack of cards. To get this right, you must begin to look at your man from a fresh angle; revisit your dream of your ideal man as well as the qualities you found in him then and what you now know are real and fake about those qualities that attracted you to him. This isn’t the time for you to pretend to want what you know you cannot cope with down the road. Doubtless, you would miss not having him in your life but admitting to the truths now would help you know what realistic steps and options you have. At this critical point in your relationship, you need to take some drastic steps and one of them is calling him for a very frank discussions. Let him tell you what you don’t know about all that is happening between the two of you and why he isn’t satisfied with having only you in his life. Insist he tells you what your faults are with a view of helping you avoiding them later in life. You have to know what his mindset is to enable you determine what your final decision would be. The issue may just be a temporary separation to refresh on your dreams. Going down memory lane helps a great deal in helping couples heal the disappointments in their relationship. You are no longer 16 but a 28-year-old woman, who is now more matured and in charge of her life than the innocent girl that entered into this relationship 12 years back. Unless she is given a chance to express herself, just like your man too need to come out of the age he entered into this relationship and enter his current age both of you would continue to experience this confusion. Doubtless you are both fond of each other but your adults’ selves must come out of the decisions your teenage years made for you urgently. You must answer the question of whether you both want to marry or not, as adults. This declaration would help him come out with the truth he is obviously battling with which, in fairness to him, he may not even know. The earlier you did this the best for you because time is of essence to you. However, don’t ignore the issue of a spiritual angle. When did this present girl surface in your relationship? Was it before the mother’s death or after? In making the final decision, please find time to be with God. Pray and fast because whether you like it or not, this relationship would affect you in more than one ways especially if both of you are throwing in the towel. It would be 12 years of your life that would be ending. Therefore you must be assured by God that you are on the right part, so the pains of your break up would not prevent you from falling in love again or pressure you into dating someone who is all wrong for you. Such moments would also point you at the adversary in your relationship. Ask God to deal with all your confusions himself. Good luck.

They want my son after all these years

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, While in secondary school, I got pregnant for a classmate of mine. He didn’t deny the pregnancy even though his mother did everything humanly possible to make him deny paternity of the child. He stood by me; telling everyone that cared to listen that he deflowered me and that I wasn’t the kind of girl his mother was trying to make me out to be. His father, a politician didn’t waste time ferrying him out of the country. None of the parents bothered to find out how I was or the baby when I had him. Despite the distance, he kept writing and sending me his pocket money through his elder sister who showered me with love and attention. On the day of the child’s naming; my parents didn’t know what to do on that day, whether to be happy or sad; she came with her friends, brought food and clothes. She stood as the only representative of the father of my son. Not once did she leave me alone. Every month she sent money to us and came whenever she could find the time from her bank job. When the baby was old enough, she insisted I further my education and took over the payment of the crèche I usually leave my baby. She gave my mother money to begin a trade to make things easier for her so she could continue to help me with the child. Between her and the father of my child, they built a three bedroom bungalow for me and the baby at Akute. My parents moved in with me; that is where I stay till today. My son, when he was 10, accompanied his aunty and her children to London where my son met with his father. Thereafter, his would send for him every long vacation to spend the summer holidays with him. For reasons best known to him, he refused to come back to the country. To cut the long story short, he died last year leaving his son and I well provided for. The last mail he sent to me before he died; he apologized for everything I went through, commending me for being a good mother to his son. He talked about his practice in England and how I should encourage his son to take over from him. He told me that his greatest regret in life is not being with me and that if there is another world, he would begin and end it with me. He ended by telling me how much he loved me and his wish that things were different. He died in an accident but I sometimes wonder if it was really an accident. The reason I am writing is that his parents want to see my son after 17 years. the last time I saw them was when his mother drove my mother and I out of their house in Ikoyi on the day we went to inform them of my pregnancy; when she called my mother and I wretched souls who wanted to reap where they didn’t sow. My parents died six and four years ago. Apart from my younger brother, my son is all I have. No man wanted to marry me because of my son; the last one that came wanted me to send my son away to his father’s family. Although he is now an undergraduate he remains my baby. They have sent the only person they know I will listen to, their daughter to plead with me to allow them see their grandson but, whenever I recall how they humiliated my mother and I, something inside of me just refuse to listen. Their daughter has been so nice to me; I know I am hurting her but it is difficult to let go of my pains. Agatha, please help me. I am sure they wouldn’t have come if their son didn’t die or had other children. Violet. Dear Violet, To err is human, to forgive is divine. Forgiveness is a gift from God; through it, we become one with Him. If you look back at the ways God has helped you to survive, surrounded you and your son with people who love you; you will realize that holding back on your forgiveness would be unfair to the God of mercy. These people are old; humbled by time and no longer the same people who arrogantly walked your mother and you out of their home. It can’t have been easy asking your permission to see the grandchild they denied years ago. If for nothing, consider the selfless love of the father of your child and his sister who stood by you through thick and thin; who against all odds at his tender age was sending you money for your upkeep. Both he and his sister could easily have abandoned you as other young men and even older ones have been known to do in the past and even now. This boy must have loved you from the depth of his heart and obviously made his sister promise to always be by your side. Have you ever paused to think of why his sister didn’t for one second turn her back on you, was always around you? The father of your child must have put her to it. Building you a house to stay, giving your mother money to upgrade her business shows a man whose heart never left you. That you were able to go back to school came from the benevolence of this lady who is today begging you for a favor. Don’t forget that she has never asked you for one, was always the one giving to you. You could argue that she was doing it for her brother but how many women will be this devoted if she didn’t want to? She showed you love where her parents reviled you, offered you respect and dignity when you needed it the most. Coming to represent the family of the father of your son at the naming was a way of announcing to the world that you may have made a mistake but you aren’t wayward. It must have taken guts for her to do what she did. Besides, don’t you think your son deserves to be integrated with his father’s family? Surely you know how much sacrifice his father made for you and his son. the best you can do for him is to allow his son enjoy the comfort and presence of the family he forfeited for your sake. It couldn’t have been easy for him all those years in a lonely country without the warmth of his family. Whether you like it or not, your son must have his own dreams: that of meeting his father’s entire family. He is a man and would one day bear the burden of his heritage. This you cannot take away from him. He is his father’s child; his only child and one he sacrificed so much for in life. Allow him to meet his grandparents. It is only right. How would you feel if they die before you think it right for all parties to meet? You will never be able to face yourself or forgive your inability to forget the past or pardon them for trying to protect their son from what the hands of one they perceive to be a gold digger. Sometimes, it is easier to point the accusing finger when we are in a different side of the field but wait until we find our self on the other side before we know the worth of our true character. In her position, you may behave in like manner. The human nature is very unpredictable. Besides, you have grown older and more experienced in life, so forgiveness should come to you naturally. Don’t wait for anyone to take your son to them, take him there by yourself; show them that you are a better person than they were at your age. It will make you feel better at the end of the day as well as worthy of the support and love given you all these years by the sister of your son’s father. Trust me; there is so much joy and peace in forgiveness. One day, your son will thank you for it. Good luck

My friend accuses me of desiring her man

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have this issue disturbing my mind and which often makes me very sad. There is this friend of mine; we are both in the same school and live in the same neighbourhood. Her husband’s friend saw my picture on her Blackberry (BB) and expressed an interest in me which I initially turned down. As her wedding date approached, I became a constant visitor to their house and there I met this man again. My friend and her husband talked me into dating this man. Since my boyfriend isn’t based in Nigeria, and the fear that he might change his mind as is often the case with people who travel abroad, I succumbed to pressures of my friend and husband. Agatha, before we started dating, I made it clear to this man that we won’t have sex until I am sure of his intentions but I later got to know he was only after my body so we broke up. But unknown to me, he was relaying everything we discussed to my friend and husband, including the ones I told him about them especially the bit about my friend’s husband trying to woo me through BB chat. I got to know all these when my friend called me to see her after close of work. I was shocked at the things she claimed the man said I told him. She was very angry about the one I said about her husband trying to woo me before their wedding. When it happened, I shared it with some friends who told me not to tell her anything about it. When she told me everything the man said I told him, I couldn’t defend myself against all the lies rather I just started weeping. That night I sent him very nasty text messages prompting my friend’s husband to call me the next day to warn me that I will be held responsible if anything should happen to his friend. My friend’s husband said there is no way his friend will cook up those things he claimed I told him if I didn’t say them. I felt bad because from what my friend’s husband was saying it was obvious they both set me up. God knows I have been a good friend to his wife. I know the reason for this, my refusal to have sex with him; a fact my friend claimed to be true since he made reference to that. What should I do? I am sad at the accusation that I want to snatch my friend’s husband. It is painful and humiliating. Tolulope. Dear Tolulope, Candidly, you were wrong to discuss your friend or her husband behind them. The fact that you even mentioned them to this man makes you liable. Since you made up your mind at the beginning not to discuss what transpired between you and your friend’s husband with this friend, you shouldn’t have raised it with a friend you met through them. Mentioning the incident to a man you weren’t sure of, a friend to the man who also tried to date you, was wrong. Being friends, there is no way, he would keep such information away from his friend. The fact that your friend’s husband tried to date you was enough reason to have totally declined the offer of friendship from his friend. The signs that they were both setting you up for the kill was there from the beginning but, you failed to notice. How can a man who also tried to date you willingly encourage you to date his close friend? At that point, your warning bells should have sounded the alarm. Next time, be careful of any kind of situation that will get you into trouble. Most people who hear their side of the story will conclude you were really jealous of your friend; enough to make a pass at her husband. And coming from the man the world knew you were in a relationship with, will certainly make the story appear to be true. The conclusions would be he left you when he found out that you are the kind of friend and woman not to be trusted. Only very few will believe your story that he is telling these tales out of pains and disappointment at your refusal to sleep with him. For the sake of your safety, desist from sending him or any of them text messages. Control your temper and be mindful of the kinds of threat messages you send to this man. With this kind of man, you have to be careful since you don’t know the extent he is likely to go in dealing with you. Men have been known to kill women for refusing to have sex with them. Anyway, the harm has been done. Move on with your life. You don’t have to prove anything to your friends; obviously their minds are made up about you and the more you try to clear your name, the messier, the matter becomes. The best thing in this kind of situation is for you to ignore them entirely. Stay away from her home, if she wants to continue your friendship, limit it to your school interactions and be careful, you don’t say anything to her. Wisdom demands you manage the situation for the sole purpose of protecting your image and reputation. Sincerely, you are the only one that can make the difference in this whole thing. If you adopt an attitude of ignoring whatever your friend says or how she reacts to you, by maintaining a dignified silence, it will soon blow over. You have nothing to prove at all if you are innocent; only the guilty try so hard to prove their innocence. As long as your mind is clear; that what you said was in good faith, let her attitude or conclusions about you not bother you. Knowing God as much as I do, He will eventually establish the truth. But until he does, keep your peace. Another thing you should do, especially if this friend of yours has the address of your boyfriend is to find ways of telling him about this incident. You really don’t have anything to lose but a lot to gain since you already doubt the future of this relationship. The reason you must come clean with the truth is, the likelihood of your friend getting to him with the lies before you even have a chance of telling him the truth. At any rate, if this happens, whatever you are trying to conceal now will have to be said by you. So why not tell him first? If he has the plans to come for you, this incident will hasten him to make plans for both of you to be together and if he doesn’t, you will know from his attitude; hence a clear picture of what you should do with your life. The truth is, you cannot go on like this. It is either you have a boyfriend with a solid plan for you or you have none therefore the need for you to go on with your life. This incident happened because you are not together and particularly as you are not sure of what he has in stock for you. As a young woman, your shelf-span has an expiry date. The reality on ground is, both of you haven’t been able to come with clear plans of the future. This is the time both of you should do some very honest, talk; not the kind that is keeping you in limbo of not knowing how to proceed from the point he left you. If you don’t tackle this outstanding issue with your boyfriend, you will continue to fall into this kind of mess with friends who overtime will either think you are an easy lay or out to steal their men. You cannot rule out the possibility of your friend discussing this issue with other female friends of your group. They may not say anything to you but, their attitude towards you whenever they are with their men will tell you what they think of you. If you have a man of your own, none of them will be bold enough to act rudely to you. Therefore, use the opportunity of this incident to address the future of your relationship with your foreign based boyfriend. Let him tell you what his plans are in plain English; in addition, he must take steps by informing and instructing his family members about your relationship. It might just be that this incident happened for the purpose of making you move beyond the point you have stationed yourself as a result of your association with your overseas boyfriend. Good luck.

I’m four months older

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I have long wished to write you. I have been reading your articles on Independent Newspapers for some years now. I marvel at the way you handle issues maturely. I know it is God in you doing this great work. I am involved with a man I am older than by four months. We have discussed this issue and he says he’s got no problem with it. I also don’t. But I still want to know if age counts when it comes to love? What is your opinion about a lady getting married to a man she is older than? Miss E.C Dear E.C., There is nothing wrong in a younger man marrying an older woman as long as they are both comfortable with the arrangement and in love with each other. Age is a thing of the mind. Once one is able to wrap and keep it where it belongs, doesn’t allow it become too much of a factor in one’s life and calculations, it becomes a positive partner and not a negative one. Besides, four months age difference isn’t much of anything. However, the problems are; how you will manage the differences and how he perceives it after the early moments of you both falling in love. Often than not, the challenges for the men come after the novelty of falling in love wears off. As long as he doesn’t allow certain minor things that should matter bug his mind; like comparing you with all the other younger women he comes across, developing resentment against you for no just reason, develops a mature mind to act his role as the man rather than a young man, is also respectful of your feelings, then there is nothing to be afraid of. You on the other hand must appreciate that age or no age, he remains the head of the team. Therefore, you must never do anything to make him feel less than a man by giving him all the respect he deserves from you. Don’t ever make the mistake of discussing his age with any of your friends or family members to protect his dignity as the man. Mischievous friends and family members, acting on the information may decide to treat him with disdain, mock him and question his motive for going into a relationship with you. Pretending to be on a mission to protect your interest, some friends can really mess things up behind you. This is why you should never trust friends with the age of a man you are older than. Some would wonder and call your motive desperation so be careful on all fronts. You also have to learn to be submissive; more than a woman who married an older man. The reason for this is, the older man doesn’t have the insecurity of the younger man married to an older woman. What an older man will gloss over, the younger man may impute another reason all together to it. Although maturity has nothing to do with age, the influence of his friends on his reasoning should not be ignored by you. Not all men have the ability to keep certain things about their women to themselves. Once the word is out that you may be older than he is, certain friends of his will never let go of the opportunity of rubbing it in. Also learn to dress smart and accentuate your best features; it will help keep his mind focused on you. Importantly, keep communication constant between the two of you. at all times you should know what and how he feels about you. Managing age related issue in a marriage is like managing a temper. You must constantly work on the likely situations that might emanate from your age differences from time to time. Work yourself to become his best friend. This you must begin from the early stage of your relationship because of the peculiarity of your relationship; by being his best friend, you give your marriage an additional reason to strive better than most. It will also keep other busybodies out of your relationship. Above all, stop worrying about it as you can easily become paranoid about it, which will make you extremely apprehensive of any young woman around him. The only way to avoid this is to be confident in your love for each other, in yourself as well as trust in his person and credibility. Don’t ever make the mistake of doubting his love for you. The moment you do that, you weaken the foundation of your relationship. Always entrust everything to God first. Good luck

The kernel of choices within

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com To have a successful marriage begins with the voyage of self discovery. Many a time, a lot of people are ignorant of who they really are, thereby inflicting their partners with issues they know nothing of. Painfully, who they really are goes beyond the faces they see in the mirror. Knowing the kind of fashion tastes, people and events one likes to be seen in and with isn’t the same thing as meeting the person within. Man’s inability to constantly subject the inner man to critical assessment has robbed him of that ceaseless chance to be happy in the choice of a life partner. This penchant to advertise the mundane over real substances is daily depriving the marriage institution of its value, magnificence, significance and essence. The resultant effect is the colossal disappointment it has become to many. Unfortunately, the entire blame of this collapse is unfairly being dumped on the institution rather than on the people and values taken into it. On its own, the institution is still as God designed it to be – providing man with an umbrella and platform to enjoy the special gift of sex as well as conduct the task of procreation with responsibility. It is also meant to provide man and woman a place to pull resources, strength and character to help build and develop a dependable world. Agonizingly, the sorry state of many marriages today point to the double standards of the older generation; the very reason the younger generation spurns and sneers at feeble attempts by the society not only to discuss the challenges of the institution but also to announce a caution for the youths to emulate. Overtime, the youths through the muddled-up choices and bad examples of their parents and adults around them, have taken it upon themselves to draw the imaginative conclusion that marriage isn’t any big deal after all. As a matter of fact, some of them now see the institution as a glorified prison designed to deny them the expression of freedom and self actualisation. Very unfortunate though, the youths draw their conclusions from the confusions of their parents’ choices. So how do we go back to the primeval function of marriage? How do we make it attractive again for the younger generation to want to come into and sustain? The first step is to begin with self discovery. Who is really inside you? Unknown to a lot of people, the success or otherwise of a marriage has nothing to do with what a person looks like on the outside. Rather, it is what the person is, on the inside. Therefore, having a good marriage is to meet with the person within. This calls for absolute sincerity with oneself. There is no moving forward in life without a thorough appraisal of who we really are. Often than not, this is where the problems in marriage begin. God in His infinite mercy and wisdom has given us a gauge in life. Once we exceed the measure of our tolerance level and ability, the tendency is for us to experience overflow in our reactions to issues. For some of us, our tanks are bigger and better at accommodating and assimilating situations; whereas, some tanks are small with very short circuit, which goes off at the sight of little pressures. Knowing who you are, admitting your ability and acknowledging your limitations, makes a whole lot of difference when making the decision of who to team up with in life. Every man owes it to posterity to tell himself or herself the truth at this critical time of self examination. To lie is to put another person’s happiness in jeopardy. As so many people have found out too late, lying about one’s ability or pretending to be who one isn’t, crumbles a marriage faster than a caterpillar tractor would bring down a building. Facing up to the truth about one’s own inabilities is the real foundation of having a successful home. It enables one to look out for a partner who has the elasticity to cope at all times, with one’s inability. For instance, a woman with a bad temper will end up doing herself and children injustice by marrying a man with the same degree of temper. If a man who is naturally neat falls in love with a woman who though has a pretty face but is dirty and uncultured, he will have himself to blame at the end of the day for his failure to tell himself the truth when it mattered most. For a marriage to work, every intending couple must look beyond the physical presentation or features of the other person. Ideally, this is what courtship is meant to achieve. Every man and woman must give each other a chance to be happy from the beginning by learning to look at the enduring qualities rather than perishables. This is the area parents and the society must offer their experiences to the youths. Life itself is a process of mistakes but, a good support group of those who have gone through the process in the past can help lessen the impact of such mistakes as well as prevent them from being made in the first place. Since sex is a concomitant and extremely important aspect of marriage, every young man and woman must be clear on his or her sexual preferences as well as strength. To gloss over the issue and importance of sex is to set one’s marriage on a precipitous position from its very foundation. An intending couple should never be shy to discuss the issue of sex since many of the marriages that are collapsing cite sexual incompatibility as the main culprit. Our contemporary society has made sex a real issue, one a wise intending couple must be bold enough to discuss. Being a virgin doesn’t deny man’s primitive knowledge of sex. Even if the body is intact, man’s awareness isn’t because it’s inherent. Therefore, talking about it should never be neglected. Both man and woman should never lie about what they want in and outside the bedroom. It is a simple matter of trusting each other. When a man or woman is definite about his or her wants, it makes it easier to know what to look for in another person. This takes away the frivolous, mundane and very illiterate qualities men and, women especially, throw up when asked the important things they want in their partners. Every couple must also be able to develop a culture of communication. After marriage, partners forget to talk to each other. They do everything expected of them as a couple but neglect the important one of talking to each other. Unfortunately, the day a couple stop talking as friends, partners and companions, they unknowingly begin to dig holes into the foundation of their union. Effective communication breeds friendship, trust, progress and stability in the home. Often times, when a couple forgets to talk about the important things, but only talk about house-keeping, the children and maintenance of the home, trust gives way to suspicion and the birth of strange bed fellows. If nothing is done, the house becomes boring and unexciting, forcing the couple to seek friendship and satisfaction elsewhere. The essence of friendship in a relationship insulates it from mischief makers, family interferences and other minor but irritating habits that daily contribute to the collapse of marriages. Friendship enables a marriage to survive the storms of life because it brings about a rare understanding and appreciation of self endurance in the process of building a home. Friendship helps a couple live in each other’s mind and soul bringing out the reason God created the institution. Definitely, every marriage needs the helping hands of God to sail in the right direction. Every woman desirous of having a successful marriage should not be far from her knees. She should learn to pray about everything concerning her home; rather than nag, quarrel or fight her man or her in-laws, she should converse with God instead to direct her. Some women have fought themselves out of their homes simply because they lacked the wisdom to tackle certain issues. It is the duty of every mother to teach her daughter the golden rule of tolerance. No matter how difficult a mother-in-law is, a good wife must for the sake of her husband put up with her. To force a man to choose between his mother and wife is perhaps one of the most cruel option any woman can offer her husband. A man’s mother is as important as his wife. If she didn’t bring him to the world, didn’t look and care for him, what man will the woman marry? In conclusion, every couple must be knowledgeable about what they want from the very beginning else they leave the canoe of their lives to chance. Marriage isn’t a game of chance rather it is one that demands a bouquet of reality to make it happen. Appreciation Dear Readers, I want to use this opportunity of my birthday, to thank you all for being there. I cannot thank you all enough for your outpour of love since I announced that I will be 50 today. God bless you all. Agatha.

I want more than I am getting from him

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I don’t know how to handle this issue plaguing my less than a year old marriage. My husband and I met in the church. We decided to abstain from sex until our wedding night even though we were both been sexually active before we met. It was tough for me but I decided to play the good girl especially as he appears to be happy with the situation. At that point, I didn’t want him having the wrong impression of me in addition to being grateful at my luck at finding a man to marry. At 29, it appeared I wasn’t going to find any man interested in me enough to want to keep me in his house. The first time we made love was a disappointment. He didn’t go past the elementary stage for me. But since it was our wedding night, I had to pretend I was okay with the situation. I had to go to the bathroom that night to stimulate myself, something I hadn’t done in a very long time. The next day, I tried to engage and direct his interest but he didn’t like the things I was suggesting; from the look on his, he wasn’t comfortable so I backed off but that didn’t mean I was also happy. One month was already enough for me to be thoroughly sexually frustrated. The funny thing is that he hasn’t noticed my attitude to sex. For me, he is very weak sexually. He simply cannot satisfy me in bed; I want more than I am getting. Besides, he also thinks making love should be restricted to certain times of day and days of the week. I find his attitude frustrating. Before I met and married him, I dictated the number of times I made love. I confided in the pastor’s wife and all I got from her were lectures on how to be a good woman; that responsible wives don’t elevate sex to positions of importance in a marriage. If he doesn’t change I might be forced to look outside for satisfaction like most women I know are doing once I give birth. For instance, since I got pregnant, he hasn’t come close to me whatsoever. He has kept his distance forcing me to continue in my habit of self stimulation. Agatha, even though, some people out there may find my situation annoying, the truth is that my husband’s attitude is forcing me to consider other options. Take for example the offer of his best friend’s wife; who has offered me lesbianism as a way out of my sexual frustration. She confided that she opted for that option to protect her marriage and the image of her husband who is a pastor. I haven’t done anything I shouldn’t do because I respect and love my husband but the truth is I am too much of a woman to continue living like this. What do I do with my marriage and self. It is so frustrating because I lack the vaguest idea of how to proceed with my marriage and husband. Is there anything you can do for me? I am not a bad woman just a woman who wants to be happy in her womanhood. Frustrated Wife. Dear Frustrated Wife, No matter what some people say, sexual satisfaction is integral to the success of a marriage. It is your right to be happy as married woman and to enjoy the full benefits of sex. But rather than go around telling people, inviting different kinds of opinions that might at the end of the day derail your marriage, why not summon the courage to discuss your unhappiness with your husband? If he isn’t satisfying you, let him know how his attitude to your desires is affecting the quality of your relationship with him and as well as the dangers it present to your marriage. Unless there is a determined effort to sustain communication in a marriage, so many things can get go very wrong. There is no way your husband can ever correctly guess how his understanding of sex is affecting you negatively. Perhaps until he met you, no woman has ever complained about his sexual ability or disability as the case maybe. If this is the case, your experience will definitely be new to him; and unless you take steps to educate him on how to meet you half way, he will assume you are satisfied with his performance. Therefore, you have to look for an opportune time, when he is in a good mood, to introduce the subject to him. The reason you must thread carefully is the sensitivity of the issue at hand. If you don’t apply wisdom, chances are, you might be sending the wrong signals to him. What you should do is begin by asking him what his view on sex is. It could come from what his parents told him about sex, his social circle and his own attitude towards the subject of sex. There are some people who simply don’t like sex at all. These series of questions will give you an insight into where the problem is coming from. It is best to show understanding from the view point of the other person. This man is your husband; you have to find ways of helping him come to a better understanding of his sexuality. It isn’t something you can do overnight but one that has to be gradual. Follow this by asking him about his fantasies. Somewhere in his mind and past, he must have nurtured some sexual fantasies which he lost in the process of remodeling himself into who he currently is. Between all these, also let him know certain things about yourself; your sexual preferences and how you have cultivated it over the years as well as how it is going to be difficult to completely let go of certain things from your past. This discussion is to prepare the ground for a new sexual understanding between you and your husband. Through this discussion, he will come to realize some of your frustration as well as the implications for the marriage if he doesn’t take steps to meet you half way. This talk will also help him come to a realization that sex during pregnancy isn’t harmful rather it is even recommended to help the woman during actual labour. Let him know at this point that you won’t be able to survive nine months of not having sex. Often times the pretenses of women are the reasons men continue to deny them of their rights. He is your husband; your final bus-stop as far sex with another man goes. So why pretend about what you want when you have nowhere else to go? A man who isn’t getting it right at home can go outside his home for fulfillment but a woman can’t. So demand for your right. You also have to help him by teaching him the things he doesn’t know about sex. This is why you must first obtain his trust and understanding to prevent doubts in your marriage. There are certain men who view discussion of sex by their wives as an admission of having extra martial affairs. Having that frank discussion will help open his mind to whatever suggestions you have to make concerning the alternatives open to both of you. This is the point you do away with shame as a woman. Marital problems come in different forms; unless a woman is resilient as well as determined, the problems and frustration will keep mounting until the problems overwhelm her and her marriage. And sex? Is the worst kind of problem a woman has to contend with in her marriage because nobody wants to listen to her or understand her situation. Even the women who have similar issues in their marriages pretend it isn’t an issue and instead of being sympathetic, join the others in accusing her of wrong doing. Look for adult books and tapes that will help you and your husband come to a fuller understanding of your bodies. In addition, use your knowledge of the topic to brighten your marriage. No matter how rigid your man is, under your expert hands, he will thaw. Men are different from women because they are instigated by sight and touch As a woman of experience you should know that the key to a having quality sex is having a knowledge of your partner’s body. Every man or woman has a very tender spot. Explore his body and see what happens at the end of the day. You should be able to read your husband like a book: you should know what every page on his body contains; without you saying anything to him, you can through your knowledge bring out the best in him. However, his cooperation will help you achieve your aim of ensuring sexual compatibility faster. As for the wife of your husband’s best friend, stay away from her. Her answer isn’t the right one just as the response of your pastor’s wife should be ignored. We aren’t built alike; while some women can ignore this aspect of their beings, some women like you cannot. By tailoring your need to suit you, you open your heart and mind more to tackle other issues in your marriage. Good luck.

He forbids me taking his children to my church

Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Three years ago, I married my childhood friend. We met in primary school and remained close. Through our secondary school and university, we remained very close despite occasional slips on his side. Finally he came to the realization that we were meant for each other and stopped all his other relationships. I have never doubted our love for each other so decline all other males that wanted to marry me. Our different religions didn’t matter to me. Apart from being a Muslim, he was also from a polygamous family while I am Christian. My parents were formally Anglican but my mother dragged the family to a Pentecostal church. However, the reactions of everybody in my family were the same-I shouldn’t marry him because of his religion. When it looked as if I was going to lose the battle to my family, I called him to ask if he would allow me continue in my faith once we got married; he agreed and even started going to church with me. Whatever his family thought of his decision, he didn’t tell me but they all accompanied him to the church during our white wedding. For two years after we got married, he didn’t miss church for a day. Our two children; twins were christened in the church. His mother too doesn’t bother me. She is still the best mother-in-law in the world. Something happened in the church which made so many people leave. It was at that point my husband’s attitude changed completely towards the church and Christianity in general. Just as he made up his mind to become a Christian suddenly, he started going to the mosque. When I first tried to discuss the matter with him, he told me not to bother him. But three months after, he yielded to my pressure to tell me his reason. He said, if a human skull was found in the house of a so called man of God, then he has no business being a Christian. He said while he wasn’t against my continuing in my faith, I should not take his children with me to the church. Agatha, he has remained adamant. How can I go to church without my children? How can I allow him bring up my children in the Islamic way? Nothing I have said since has been able to make him change his mind. Although he remains the best husband any woman can wish for; I think he is however taking the issue of the pastor too far. What do I do in this situation? I cannot stop being a Christian and won’t allow him force my children to go his way on this matter. Now we pray separately. My mother insists I shouldn’t allow him blackmail me into changing my religion at all. How do I make him listen to me? Bolajoko Dear Bolajoko, How much does your marriage mean to you? What kinds of plans do you have for your future as well as those of your children? Between your husband and mother, who is most important to you? Importantly, which of these two are you married to? This man or his religion? The truth is, you knew right from the beginning that you belonged to different religions and must have known that one day, you will be forced to make a decision between your religion and his’. The choice we make at the beginning of a relationship stays with us throughout life. This is the reason we must be absolutely clear on our capacity to cope at all times before we commit ourselves to a situation and marriage. To change the goal post mid game on account of our displeasures at the way things are turning out isn’t right and definitely unfair to the other party. You made the decision to marry him despite knowing the danger of mixed religious marriage. If he made the attempt to follow you to church for several years, it didn’t make it right for you to expect him to be the one to abandon his religion. He followed you because he loves you from the deepest part of his person. If he got disappointed along the way to make him run back to something familiar, your job as his wife, friend and important as a Christian isn’t to fight him; rather you should offer him all the understanding and support he needs to get over his disappointment at the reason for his retreat. In his shoes, how would you feel at finding out that the man burning bright for Jesus some moments ago has a human skull? What relationship has a human skull with the Bible and the name of Jesus? To be fair, this is enough to make even those born into Christian families doubt the foundation of their faith. If this man after years of following you to the church is embittered and disappointed at this development, he has every right to be. To deny him his right is to create a situation in his mind that you are insensitive and unappreciative of the sacrifices he made for you. Getting his family to support his decision to marry you despite the religious differences and getting them to attend the church wedding shows the liberty and tolerance of his family. It also shows a man who is ready to put the interest and happiness of his wife first. Even if he didn’t tell you, it must have cost him a lot of negotiation, fighting and stubbornness to get his family to support his choice of you. If they were dye in the wool fanatics like you obviously are, your marriage wouldn’t have happened. Sincerely, if you listen to your mother on this, you will live to regret it. That she succeeded in dragging your father and siblings with her to a strange church, doesn’t mean she should encourage you to do same. Furthermore, the marriage in question is yours, not hers. She isn’t in your marriage, isn’t married to your kind of husband and isn’t having the same challenges you are having in your marriage so if you listen to her, you will be applying the wrong kind of drug to an illness that isn’t the same. That her method appears to be succeeding in getting things done her way in her marriage doesn’t mean she should encourage you to turn your marriage into a replica of her own. A word is enough for the wise. A woman doesn’t have a religion until she gets married. This is universal; a woman follows her husband to wherever he goes; that is why a woman must never allow herself be guided by sentiments when making the choice of who to marry. Marriage is more than a man and woman loving each other; it requires much more to sustain marriage. To be truthful, your husband is rare. Another man won’t stop at telling you not to take his children with you to your church; he would insist you embrace his religion. Besides, he isn’t even telling you not to take his children along with you; what he is saying is that he won’t allow his children in that church. I am sure if you see reasons with him on the need for you to change church, he won’t be so adamant. Besides, what are you still doing in such a church? Does it make sense for you to remain in that kind of church? Do you need your husband to tell you to quit or that you should not expose your children to such an environment? Frankly, you are taking this religion thing too far. Would under the guise of holding on to your religion destroy your own happiness? Besides what does the Bible teach you about the place of a wife? From all indices are you serving God or a man? Rather than fight your husband, go and beg him. Find the friend in him so that you can both discuss the way forward. There is no sense in allowing this matter degenerate. Go to him tonight and ask him to pray for the family. Do it his way to demonstrate your appreciation and understanding for the beauty of the choice you make to marry him despite belonging to different religions. From that point, it would be easier for both of you to fine-tune and arrive at whatever you both decide to do at the end of the day. If he says you should continue in your faith, please go for the familiar-go back to your church of origin and stop whatever it is that you are looking for in your present church. His concern isn’t that you are going to a church because if it were, he wouldn’t even attempt to follow you but the kind of place you are in. Having been friends with him all these years, you must know how to get him to listen and smile again. Use the advantage of your knowledge of him to buy your marriage happiness again. And don’t also forget those children are his children too. Good luck.

My elder brother is responsible for my condition

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am writing to you for prayers. I have been reading your columns for a long time. I am 41 years old and would say I am not doing what is expected of my age. I was exceptionally brilliant in my growing up years. I cannot remember any time I came second in my class in primary and secondary schools. After my secondary education, I joined my eldest brother and his family in Port Harcourt from the village. Since then my path turned negative. A lot happened. It took me eight years to gain admission and it was hell for me to graduate. Coming from a science background, I find it hard to believe what family members are saying. We are nine in number but, it is only in the eldest son’s house, one can find comfort. He had on many occasions made it known that he will be the one to determine our fate at every given point. My other siblings have reported these threats to our parents but he would always buy them over with money and gifts. At a point, the family was divided between him and others. He later got supporters from three family members. Now, as it stands, two of his supporters have left him. According to them, the various men of God they visited told them that a member of the family is using the stars of others. My problem with my eldest brother is his high handedness, self-centeredness and other vices. Because of my opposition to his ways, I have never been in his good books. The event surrounding my business and of late, health is why I need prayers. Since I left my brother in 2006, I have never had any success or breakthrough. I keep recording losses in all the different businesses as well as relationships. Now my health has gone bad. I may die if no one rescues me from his grip. Pray for me or connect me to any Man of God you know does not use any negative powers Agatha. FN. Dear FN, Given the story you have told, you are right to run to God for help since He is the only one that has the powers and ability to rescue you from this kind of problem. He also has the power to equally direct you to the place and person He has prepared for your deliverance. This is because what works for one person may not work for another person. We all have our individual pastors and churches. So, it is important you talk first to God through prayers where you should go. You may have to go to a prayer mountain first to seek the face of God on how to proceed in this matter. When going, ensure you are fasting and be prepared to spend sometime in the presence of God because tough situation requires extra-ordinary solutions. Your case is made more complicated because the person at the centre of your problem is your blood, your elder brother who has also compromised your parents in the spiritual war against you. In truth your parents may not know the source of his wealth, but their unwillingness to question the allegations against him by all the other members of the family, makes them culpable due to their greed. It might be a good idea for you, until you are through with your spiritual deliverance not to confide in any member of your family particularly because of the previous attempts of your brother to buy over some members of your family. The wisdom to keeping seal ed lips when going for these kinds of assignments or journey is to avoid unnecessary and avoidable battles that follow them. The devil and his agents don’t give up easily. They are never willingly let go of their prey; are always determined to hold on as long as they can. Besides, since there is no telling who their agents is, it is always better to keep sealed lips when going for such exercises. Above all, learn to be patient because most times God doesn’t answer as fast as we desire. To be right with God, one must have absolute faith and trust in His ways. You must appreciate that His ways aren’t known to man and that He isn’t a magician whose answers come instantly as many people desire. Besides, to wrestle powers from people like your brother, you need to be focused on God and His ways no matter how difficult the beginning of your relationship with God gets. Make the Bible your constant companion because therein lives the power, presence and mystery of God. Good luck.

My ward is pregnant at 13

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please help me resolve this problem in my home. It has to do with ward and my younger brother. My ward’s parents died when she was still young. She was actually handed over to my mother by the elders of our village and who in turn handed her over to me when she was about to die. I was warned by my mother, never to drive her away, no matter what. Despite my husband’s opposition to my decision to bring her home, given his limited resources, I still held on to her. When she started sprouting, my husband called me to warn me against leaving her in the company of my younger brother. I ignored him because I thought my brother also took her as his sister. It wasn’t until recently I discovered that my brother was sleeping with her. It isn’t only that: she is three months pregnant and only 13. My faith doesn’t permit me to abort for her but what will I tell all the people who witnessed my mother giving her to me and her instruction that I look after her? If my daughter who is her age isn’t pregnant, what will I tell people? Besides, my husband has threatened to drive me out of the house if I don’t send her out of the house. He says he cannot continue to habour my brother, the girl and their unborn child. This trouble is too much for me. I don’t even know how I am going to confront the villagers with this development at all. My brother is 25; he has finished his university education and service year but is yet to secure a job. The issues are all beyond me. Confused Woman. Dear confused Woman, Sincerely you don’t have problems except the ones you are creating for yourself. In the first place, your brother didn’t deny responsibility for his actions. At least the unborn child has a father who is not just old enough but well equipped educationally to fend for his new family. He is more than outfitted to face the challenges of his life. A man old enough to appreciate the backside of a woman should be ready to face the outcome of that desire. The only unfortunate thing is the age of the girl involved. At 13, she is still very much a child herself, who should be under her mother’s watchful eyes. Perhaps this is where your real worry comes from. If your child who is her age isn’t pregnant, how come the one put under your care by the village is? Obviously something is wrong somewhere. There is no way, your daughter who should be her best friend wouldn’t know about the romance between the two. If your husband warned you about them, your daughter must have known unless of course, your ward isn’t going to school in which case, nobody is always around to witness the expression of their feelings for each other. This is the area you certainly have questions to answer because there is no way you will not be accused for negligence, especially as she committed the act right under your roof. For a young girl, who hasn’t become expert at disguising her feelings, she won’t have been able to disguise her emotions for your brother whenever she comes into contact with him. If you were around or observant of them, especially the young girl; you would have been able to deduce the exchange of romantic feelings between the two of them. Well, at this point, there is nothing you can do about the situation but to accept the inevitable. To protect your marriage, ask your brother to look for a place of his own so he can take her with him since it would be expecting too much for your husband to take on the responsibility of housing both of them. But for the sake of the young girl’s health, don’t be far from them. Until she puts to birth, continue to show interest in her welfare. This is important to avert another tragedy in the family; she remains your burden and ward. She can still go back to school after she puts to bed. By allowing her face the burden of her action is to school her in the course of discipline and setting the right priority in life. Furthermore, insist your brother doesn’t maltreat her and that he treats her with the respect she deserves afterall; if he found her woman enough to sleep with, he should find her woman enough to marry and keep. Although the case appears really bad, but it will blow over eventually as similar cases have done in the past. Just keep encouraging both of them; it is all you can do for now. Good luck,

He is in the habit of violating me

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have known this guy for six months and have fallen in love with him. Before I agreed to his proposal, I really played hard to get even though I am not a virgin. But I kept myself after my last relationship until I met him. Please tell me what to do because he is really frustrating me. Whenever I am with him, he demands for sex and when I refuse, he forces himself on me and leaves me immediately. He has affected my life. He says I am his only love and that he will forever love and marry me as long as I don’t disappoint him. Since meeting him, he hasn’t given me a dime but he keeps collecting money from me. He only visits at night when he wants to have sex. Does he love me at all? Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, You don’t need anyone to spell the answer out to you; this man is only interested in your body and money. Unfortunately, you are helping him to destroy you. Being in love doesn’t make one stupid and vulnerable. And any relationship that makes a person any of these or both isn’t worth it. He comes only when he wants sex, forces you into having sex with him when you don’t want to; comes in the night when he knows you wouldn’t want the neighbours to know what is happening in your home. This isn’t love at all. He is milking you of your self respect as well as your self worth. Gradually, he will turn you into a psychological case because when a woman is constantly forced against her will to have sex, something inside of her dies; love soon turns into hatred not just for the man, but for every other man as well as yourself for being so cowardly. If you don’t stop it now, you will end up hating everything that gives other people happiness. A man who wants to marry a woman doesn’t behave towards her the way this man is treating you. A man serious about the woman in his life treats her with respect and takes every possible step to honour her in all ways. He understands when his woman isn’t in the mood and takes every step to ensure she is in the right frame of mind if he must have sex with her. Forcing himself on you whenever you are not in the mood means, he isn’t bothered about your happiness or frame of mind. From the examples he has given you of himself, it should by now be obvious to you that your body and not your mind is what he is after in addition to the money he is getting from you. He has stayed this long because he has continued to get tacit support from you. The moment he senses you are withdrawing or finds another woman with larger pocket than you, he will abandon you. He told you about love and marriage because he guessed that is what you want to hear. One thing you must first understand about a man like this, is that he is selfish; always on the look out for his own happiness and satisfaction. The moment he sucks you dry, like a sucked orange, he will throw you away and move on to another unsuspecting woman. Resist being tired down by a promise that will never come true. Besides, what do you want a man who has shown he is a serial rapist for? A man that uses force to sleep with a man will definitely apply the same amount of pressure on her outside the bedroom if she isn’t yielding what he wants to him. The day you begin to deny him money, is the day he will take his aggression out of the bedroom to the open. By then it might be too late for you to end it. Now that you haven’t gotten pregnant from his violent and unplanned sex, show him the way out of your life irrespective of how much it would hurt you emotionally. This isn’t the kind of man you need in your life. You need a man to help you come to your purpose in life not one who is out to derail and destroy you. To continue in this kind of relationship is to enslave yourself to a situation that will only end up hurting you the more so learn to deal with it now. Refuse to allow him into your house at nights. Insist he comes during the daytime and resist seeing him inside your apartment. Entertain him outside your apartment. If he demands to go in, tell him you are not in the mood and until you deal with some personal issues you are debating within yourself, you want things to remain the way they are. Outside your apartment, he wouldn’t dare touch you or force you into doing anything you don’t want to do. And when he demands for money; tell him you don’t have any to give him. Chances are he may not come back after two or three visits. Also, if you have been in the habit of visiting him; stop it. This may hurt but only for a while. By the time a responsible man comes along, you will be glad you were able to break free of him. Keeping him in your life will block the chances of a responsible man from coming into your life. So be fast about your decision. Good luck.

The conspiracy of silence

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Cont’d from last week Dear Readers, Unwittingly, parents, the society including the church are united in the destruction of the marriage institution. Hiding under obnoxious customs, beliefs, shyness and inexplicable values, adults refuse to openly acknowledge the physical and emotional changes going on in their children. Some mothers don’t even know how to explain menstruation to their daughters, a sign that the girl-child is a woman. The only thing many of them tell their daughters even in today’s modern world; is to warn them against the company of men. But the circumstances that can lead to boys or men getting them pregnant, is often ignored. The result is a very confused child who now has to navigate the mystery of life on her own. In school, the teenager begins to develop different fields of thoughts, tastes and associations at the same time the hormones are cascading through the body. The confusion generated by the presence of these hormones propels the teenager into his or her first love voyage. Many a time, the consequences of these unplanned and uneducated romances end up being the death of very promising careers and even lives of promising young girls especially. This is because, the young teenage girl, ignorant of the implication of the potency of these changes inside her, goes into what starts as an innocent relationship with a boy her age. The result is an unplanned pregnancy which fear of what the parents would say, pushes the child to aborting the pregnancy in whatever way possible. The lucky ones escape with their lives but have damaged wombs to contend with for the rest of their lives. While the experience is sufficient to make some responsible, for the majority, it only provides them with a vista to explore all there is to know about the adult world. Like ostriches, parents and community leaders pretend not to notice these changes and when they decide to acknowledge these changes, take to the issuances of threats and force. Deliberately, parents play amnesia to avoid discussing their shame and regrets in the choices they made. Many parents think discussing the topic with their children will expose their hypocrisy to their children. The question then comes up; what are you protecting the child from when the child has not been given a reason to be afraid of the changes going on inside of him or her? For any one to have a good marriage, that person must first be at peace with self. This peace begins with a knowledge of who one is, and ends with an intimacy of one’s essence as well as relationship with nature. This is why every adult or parent must as a matter of duty teach his or her child/ward the facts of life. The society, especially the church, must also break its silence on sex and tell the youths what they must know about the subject. While the silence theory of the church and the story of the birds and bees of parents may have fed the curiosity of by gone generation of teenagers; the present generation, with the advent of easy information on the internet need the truth as well as trust. Telling the child the truth about sex doesn’t translate, as many parents think, to giving the child license to be promiscuous. Information arms the child, especially the girl child to know what to avoid and detect when a man is out to rob her of her integrity as a woman. It also helps to foster a firm, friendly and mutual relationship between mother and daughter, the kind that will expose the daughter to the true nature of the marriage of her parents as well as the positive lessons she will take to her own home. Through the mother, the child is exposed to the different ways a woman can use her sexuality to earn respect for herself and build her home. The boy, on the other hand, through a close relationship with his father knows that women are not animals that should be preyed upon by the man. Through well-guided expose to the positive examples of the father, he learns to control his urges and learn to respect the body of a woman. This he also takes into his marriage making it possible for him to appreciate and understand the nature as well as moods of the wife. The child must be taught through oral and practical means the various angles to sex and not just the physical consummation of the male and female bodies. Granted, sex leads to procreation, the reality is that its function is more than that. By over amplifying the negative sides of sex, we push the children to it. If God hadn’t pointed the Tree of Life as the only forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden to Adam and Eve, there would have been nothing special about it. The fact that God tagged it forbidden, aroused the natural curiosity of Eve and gave Satan something to lure her into his plans of doom for mankind. The negative attitude of most parents to the issue of giving information on sex to their children in a way instigates the curiosity of the teenager to find out what makes it prohibitive. Unfortunately, their ways of sourcing for information, often than not, impede future plans for a happy marriage and derail God’s plans in some cases like it did to Eve. Therefore, the web of silence must be addressed by all concerned if our children are to benefit positively from this special gift from God. Like every other subject that has to do with human life and development, every child must be given a thorough lesson on what to expect at any particular age and the precautions that must be taken to avoid the dangers that come with it. Vivid examples must be given to the child on why these feelings must not be given free reign to explode. The child must understand that every stage in life comes with some expectations, challenges as well as responsibilities. Parents and adults must use their own years, disappointments and mistakes as clear examples why the child must be careful of the hidden dangers laced into their age. When a child is given the knowledge of how the parents once felt like as a teenager, how they were about making the mistakes he or she is contemplating or fell into disgrace as a result of not trusting the parents enough; such experiences draw the child closer to the parents. Sex is not a taboo rather it is the meaning we read into it by our own examples and attitudes. If it is part of human existence, then it should be treated with all the honestly and transparency it deserves. Rather than for parents or the society to brand sex as being bad, parents should instead be bold enough to explain why sex should be avoided at a particular age. For the sake of the future of the children, parents must learn to be truthful when it comes to the subject of sex, since it is the only way to earn the trust, respect and confidence of the children. This is the beginning of teaching a child the lesson of confidence in the leadership of the home as well as respect for whosoever the child enters a relationship with in the future. It is also about teaching a child to be responsible for any action taken. When a child is given all the information there is to give, without the parent stating the obvious, the child knows that from that point ignorance can no longer be a reason for any action taken. Either way, the child begins to build on these attributes that will help him or her became a worthy partner to his or her spouse in future. When a child who has been told by the parents that sex is ugly and shameful discovers that it is sweet and enjoyable; the child becomes stubborn, recalcitrant and rude. The child loses confidence in the parents and begins to hide things. Unless urgent step is taken by the parents to change the new impression of the child, the child grows up distrusting everybody, including the spouse later in life. Both adults and the children are united in God’s plans for the continuity of the human race which is why adults and the larger society must be untied and honest in preparing the children and youths for the tasks ahead. Every contemporary society must pattern parenting to suit the demands of the time. That a method once worked in the past doesn’t mean it will work with another generation. Children need honest and responsible examples to emulate. The failure of many marriages is itself a statement of the failure of parents, the church and society to provide our youths with worthy examples to emulate. Continues next week…

He lied about being single at 43 years of age

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Two years ago, I met and married my husband. We met in England. I am one year older than his 43 years of age. I was very happy that at my age I could get a single man interested in me enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me. Naturally, I probed into his life but he told me that he has never been married as a result of series of disappointments from women. I also asked if anyone has a child or children for him that I should know of, he also denied the existence of any. When my questions were becoming too much, he brought out his Bible to swear to me that he has never been married and that he has no child anywhere. For me that was evidence enough that he was telling the truth. Therefore, when friends pressured me not to marry him immediately, but to first investigate him the more, I ignored them all. Deep down I felt they were jealous of my good fortune because a lot of my friends like me were either single mothers or completely single. His tales and presence in my life caused my best friend and I to part ways. I took exceptions to her insistence that he was too smooth and most likely to be a dupe. She didn’t like the fact that he just came from nowhere; he said, he doesn’t keep friends and travels a lot and that he came to England for business. After our marriage, he told me, he wanted to go back to Nigeria to visit his ailing mother. Since I hadn’t met her and was determined to make a good impression, I gave him money and lace materials to give her in addition to other things. By every standard, I am successful. I own a thriving shop that deals in lace materials as well as another one that deals in grocery. I also have two other shops in Lagos run by my youngest sister. He was away for three weeks. He spoke with me every day. His mother also spoke with me thanking me for all the gifts I sent her and prayed for me to be happy with her son. When he came back, he mentioned a business a friend of his suggested to him. According to him, his friend wanted them to go into a food processing business. I encouraged him to go into it since anything that had to do with food and preservation would always sell. Given the kind of business I am into, I encouraged him to go into partnership with this friend of his. Beyond knowing he is a business man, I didn’t bother with his financial status or worth. After about six months of talking to and fro over this business, he called me one night to loan him some money; that he and his friend had secured a parcel of land along old Abeokuta road. He asked me for N5m loan. He promised to pay back within three months. I gave it to him without thinking twice. Another six months passed, I wasn’t hearing anything about the business; not that it bothered me but curiosity made me to ask him one night only for him to flare up. Rather than answer me, he said, I didn’t care enough, which informed his decision not to share the challenge they were having with the project with him. He said, they were in need of another N5m but didn’t want to ask me for it; that he didn’t want me thinking his interest in me had to do with money. I allowed that comment to pass and gave him N4m out of the N5m they were looking for. A week after he left England for Nigeria, something kept nagging me to find him. Without informing him of my decision to come home, I came to Nigeria and with the address he once gave me, traced him; only to discover he is married with children; not just one wife, he recently acquired another wife in the three bedroom flat he rented at Aina Street, Ojodu Berger, Lagos. I discovered there was no business or ailing mother. That everything he has been collecting from me he was using to live large in Nigeria. The most painful isn’t the money I lost but the fact that his wife turned out to be my best-friend in primary school. He lied to her that he and his friend who lived abroad were into food processing; exporting African foods like garri, locust beans, yam as well as bean powder. The funny thing is that he isn’t taking care of my friend who is the first wife and her children. One of the children, isn’t going to school. She obviously married him immediately after secondary school. She is a petty trader. He is busy painting the down red. I want revenge. In addition to taking legal steps, I want him to suffer for the pains, the loss and social embarrassment I have and will suffer from my friends. Besides, I want my money back. I have evidences of the withdrawals from my account. I am so pained and confused because I trusted and loved him. I don’t know why men keep taking advantage of me. I trust them but they keep hurting me so bad. Sandra. Dear Sandra, This is because you keep making the same silly mistakes. At 44, you ought to have been wiser by now. The truth is; you have become too desperate to reason rationally as well as look beyond the images of the men that present themselves to you. It will only get worse until you are ready to bridle your emotions sufficiently to look deeper into the motive and interest of any man that comes your way. Not every man that comes your way with the plate of love is sincere. Being rich and successful, you will always be a prey to men in search for women to flea on. Your age has made you even more vulnerable for me with ulterior motives; the reason you shouldn’t listen to your heart alone when these men come your way. Women are not the only ones out to dupe men; these days, a lot of men are out to rob women of their money and emotions too. One of the ways to end all these is to create for yourself, a family. At 44, you have every reason to worry about your loneliness and emptiness as a woman. These feelings will only get worse as the years roll by; especially during those cold nights and days when you wonder to whose benefit your working yourself out for? Not matter how strong willed a woman is; the question of someone to call her own is one, single women without children ask themselves from time to time. This is the kernel of your series of disappointment. When a woman thinks her hormones are about to expire, she becomes so desperate that she forgets to be careful. This is the stage you are in now. Else, why would you accept and marry a man you know next to nothing about; who claims he has not been married at 43? You didn’t stop there; you gave him N9m to pursue a business you didn’t even bother to investigate, calling to question your astuteness as a successful business woman. Why didn’t you send your sister or any other member of your family to conduct discreet investigations on his person and business? Before agreeing to marry him, who were his friends? What kinds of lifestyle did these friends maintain? No matter how vague his lifestyle was before meeting you, there would have been someone who could have given you one or two information about him. You didn’t bother because you wanted to marry. Unfortunately, you were the business he came to do in London. The best revenge in life is to move on. Adopt a child to fill the loneliness in your heart and learn to love the child as your own. The presence of the child will help water down your frustration as well as dispel your loneliness. Between loving the child and caring for it, you will forget your own loneliness so much so any man that comes next into your life; will have to compete for your attention with the child. It will give you the time to assess him, his intentions and patience. Men who are out to dupe women don’t like obstacles because they lack the time to be patient. And because you now have a responsibility of your own, you will no longer be so willing to part with money. If the intention of the man is to fleece you of your hard earned money, once he isn’t getting it, he will move on to another woman who isn’t encumbered with your kind of responsibility. Besides, the presence of the child will give you back your sense of security as a woman; a situation that will make you extremely happy and protective of who you bring into your space for the sake of the child. Yes, you can report him to the police but don’t forget under the law, you are both married; under the law, it would be difficult to argue that your husband duped you. If he has a good lawyer, it could be argued that the money belongs to both of you. The evidences you claim to have aren’t criminal. They simply show that he withdrew money from your account with your consent; when did this become a criminal offence? He didn’t forge any document whatsoever. You will only be exposing yourself to more ridicule and emotional torture. Accept the fact that love is a game of chance which one either wins or loses. It is painful but it is the hard fact of life; time for you to count your losses by moving on with your life. Good luck.

He has a terrible temper

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, There is this man who is interested in marrying me but who has a terrible temper. Sometime ago, he man-handled and threatened to beat me up. When I asked him later what happened to make him behave like that, he said something came over him. Should I marry him? Doris. Dear Doris, Marriage is a journey of a lifetime. It is more than a man and woman coming together to share each other’s space. Love alone cannot keep a marriage together; it takes much more than one reason for a couple to be happy together. A couple may be in love but if something isn’t right about their union or one of the partners is lacking in the etiquette of living with another person in addition to lacking in respect for the feelings of the other party, love soon vacates the relationship as a result of being taken for granted. One of the greatest causes of broken homes is a bad temper. It breaks not just the physical bond but also the spiritual. This is because the spirit of anger destroys everything that makes marriage successful; like an erupting volcano, its lava burns deep into the skin. Often than not, the scare of a bad temper never heals. If at this stage of your relationship he is unable to control his temper, has already started showing his dangerous fangs what would it be like when the relationship is older? The reason we get married is to share companionship and to have a friend in one’s life, especially when one is old and grey. There is no companionship in a violent heart or place. Besides a bad temper is also self destructive; makes it impossible for the affected person after a while to attract sympathy or help from friends and people. Being a woman, your mind and body need peace to function in its full capacity. The woman’s body cannot fulfill its optimum function of procreation if the atmosphere isn’t right for it. A lot of women suffer miscarriages or have problems getting pregnant as a result of the kinds of pressures they are facing from their ill-tempered husbands. Sizeable numbers of women too have died as a result of injuries sustained during domestic violence in their homes. An angry man is an irrational person; being stronger, the anger of some men has prompted them to kill their wives unknowingly. Severally, these men attribute their behaviors to unknown forces: forces beyond their comprehension and control. This is because anger is a spirit that needs the spirit of awareness and determination to conquer. The person with the temper must first be aware of the danger it presents to him and those around him as well as grow the concomitant determination to overcome it. Often than not, the children are the ones who suffer the most. Apart from being daily witnesses to their father and mother fighting, they end up becoming damaged emotionally as well as psychologically; unable to love or appreciate one when given. This is also the danger of them becoming clones of their parents in their own marriages. In some cases, the children become so cynical that they loathe the institution called marriage. The girls either decide to play the field or become single mothers in their bid to escape becoming punch bags of any man. In certain instances, such children, have been known to develop strange sexual habits, like lesbianism or gay to insulate themselves from having marriages like the ones of their parents. These are social fall outs of domestic violence. For these reasons you must be careful who you partner with in life; not just for her sake but that of your children too. Therefore, you should ask yourself the reason you want to marry generally and this man in particular? Is it for the fun of it? That your friends are all getting married or to have a fulfilling life, one in which you are treated like a queen? The tragedy of marrying for the fun of is the dismay that comes after the wedding ceremony. Gladly, this man hasn’t been able to mask his weakness, which gives you a clear picture of the kind of life you will be living with him should you marry him. Ignoring this aspect of him is to mortgage your happiness since there is no telling when that thing will make him go very violent. It also gives you time to plan and review so many things you never once thought were important to your choice of a man. To settle for this man is to marry without plans and for the reason of pleasing others. This aspect of him should make you go further into his person, life as well as those of his family. It is also a call up time for you to look into your own life. What kind of man and marriage do you want? What kinds of challenges do you have the stamina to cope with? And what kinds will you run away from? I ask these because some women think violence is macho and appealing. They actually go out of their ways to find a man who has the tendency to violate them. While the rest of the world, think they are psycho, these category of women cannot have it any other way. To ask these women not to marry this kind of a man would be doing a disservice to them despite the disadvantages I outlined earlier. If you are in this category, notwithstanding what the rest of the world thinks, you are at liberty to go ahead but be clear that you have to work extra hard to make it work between the two of you. It will take lots of prayers, ability to ignore as well as avoid his temper to make it work. It is also a journey of wisdom for you to channel his temper to where it will be useful to you. Some women prefer such displays in an intimate setting. It is also important you know from this early beginning what brings on his temper; is it from something that you do or say? Are you the kind of woman who makes him feel less than the man he is? Sometimes, something in the way a woman behaves brings out the temper in a man who isn’t as secured with the world. Actually some men have found themselves becoming wife beaters by accident often instigated by the domineering attitude of the women they have found themselves with or as a result of her inability to culture her mouth. Although not an excuse for any man to lay his finger on his wife, it will help you discover and prepare yourself for your next relationship if you are very honest with who you are. Even a saint can be provoked into violence when the situation isn’t right. Whatever you eventually decide to do with your existing relationship, use the opportunity provided by his attitude towards you to manage your future relationship. This is because life is a learning process. Everything that happens is meant to teach us a lesson, which unfortunately many people are ignorant of. This man may just have chanced into your life to help you get your acts together, warn you at the inherent dangers embossed in some of the decisions you are taking now or have taken. Honestly, the decision is yours to make. But be sure you are very explicit in your vision to avoid regrets you will never stop having in future. Don’t delude yourself over your ability to cope or otherwise. Be very honest with yourself. Once you able to sort this out within yourself, you will know without being told what steps you should take in this matter. This kind of decision isn’t one anybody can make for you because it bothers on something very precious to you. Besides, you are the one who wears the shoes, made the decision in the first place to date him and still dating him despite this huge flaw in his person. The truth of the matter is when situation like this occurs and our minds are made up, we often don’t ask the opinion of others before doing what we want to do. Asking for advice on it, means you still care. The real question is, can you cope with him or not? Once you are able to answer this question will all certainty, you will know what to do. Good luck

I caught her with another man

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am 45 years of age while my wife is 27 years old. We started living as man and wife a year ago but I have been the one responsible for her secondary and university education. She finished her youth service two years ago. While she was in school, she didn’t allow me come close to her because she claimed to be a virgin. Before I took on the responsibility of paying her school fees, I met with the parents and some members of her family who collected the bride price and other things required for traditional marriage from me. She was there and agreed to everything. When she finished her secondary school education, with her consent every other thing we didn’t do when she was much younger was completed. We even did the wine carrying. Because I had plans for her, I didn’t try to force enforce my rights as tradition demands after such ceremony. While in year one, her father forced us to go to the registry. He said he wanted things done properly. We agreed that the church wedding will be done after she graduated. This we did before she went for her youth service. That night when I demanded to sleep with her, she said she was having her period so I allowed her be. She left for orientation camp almost immediately. Since she was posted to the North, she didn’t bother to come home for the whole year claiming it was too far for her. When I asked to come, she declined that it was not advisable for me to, because of Sharia. Because of my age, I ignored many signs I was seeing as well as the things people were saying about her. even when I knew she was lying about being a virgin, I played along with her because of the story of my life. I have never been lucky with women. It has always been one disappointment or the other, despite being the best looking and most successful among my friends, I am the one who has the most challenge in my relationships. If the women don’t leave me for other men; sometimes my so called friends, they end up disappearing with my money or car. Fed up, I went in search for spiritual help and discovered that my stepmother was behind my problems. She wanted to hit back at me for my father’s perceived sins. This informed my reason to train and marry my wife. When she finally allowed me to sleep with her, I discovered she wasn’t a virgin; she came up with so many excuses but I told her not to bother. I have seen and went through worst things in the hands of women. Just at the time I was beginning to think my problems were over, I ran into her in a guest house with a man. I was there in company of my business associates. Only three weeks before the incident she told me she was four weeks pregnant. Since the incident, she has been begging me to forgive her. She has sworn with everything, including the Bible that the pregnancy is mine and that since marrying me, it was the first time she has been unfaithful to me. She confessed that the man I saw her with was the man who deflowered her and the one she dated all through her university years. that they agreed to meet on that day to discuss the problem he was having with his wife to be only for them to end up in the room. Her parents and family, she told the incident are all begging me to forgive her. the pastor too has joined his voice in pleading with me. He said, if I am able to forgive her, a lot of things will change in my life that she was programmed to behave that way so that I can continue to be unhappy. I have really come to love her in the one year we have been together. she is very respectful, loving and caring but can I ever trust her to tell the truth? First, she lied about her virginity and now this! I am so confused. Please help me. I am the only child of my mother for my father. I don’t have anyone but you to turn to. Feyinti. Dear Feyinti, Life has a way of presenting us with a bouquet of thorny choices; impossible to run away from. There is no avoiding making a choice in this matter. You either ask her to go, given the gravity of what she has done or trust in your love for her by forgiving her. Ending the marriage appears the easy option but deep down will it make you happy? Whatever anybody says, your own happiness is what is important here. No doubt, seeing the evidence of her infidelity is enough reason for you to turn deaf ears to the pleas of everybody including that of your pastor. And indeed if you look back at the past, the things you have been through before you got to this point, you may want to submit to the natural urge to send her packing especially if you remember the lie she told you about being a virgin. Even if you didn’t say it, it is human to think she is taking you for granted and will again do something greater than those she has done already. Given what she has done, you have every right to withdraw your trust. If you do, nobody will begrudge you or call you harsh and unreasonable. But, in some way, you too remotely share in the blame. There are times when silence isn’t golden. Even if you didn’t want to take the matter of her virginity too far, you should still have discussed it the moment you discovered; you should have also told her all your suspicions and the reasons you ignored them. You should have used that opportunity to share your past with her and the reason you would not want to be hurt by her. Without you issuing threat; that talk would have sent some chill down her spine, to make her sit up. Frankly that refusal to discuss the first lie in a way contributed to this new challenge. It is like a child who has been naughty. If the mother allows that child to escape with the behavior, next time, the child will do something worse than the first. Because of the things you have experienced in the hands of other women you preferred to die in silence than risk giving her a piece of your mind. No marriage works that way. Irrespective of whatever happened in the past, learn to be in charge. Don’t ever let fear permeate your sound reasoning. The rule of every successful marriage is to boldly address all thorny issues as they come. When there is the need to express anger, don’t mask your true feeling with a smile; it has its implication. That you are thrashing out a vexing issue doesn’t mean the marriage is ending or is having problems; far from it. Instead, it is a sign that the couple is determined to make it work. Now that this has happened, it is essential for both of you to talk as a couple. Let her understand your person, experience your anger and confusion over how to thread on this issue. Let her know that the issue here, is not taking her back but, the trust she has murdered twice within a year of your living together as a couple. Tell her to advice you on how to proceed especially if she were in your shoes. The idea is to make her sweat for her forgiveness as well as make her understand the gravity of the situation at hand. Most especially as it has to do with the paternity of the child she is carrying in her womb. Even if you believe her, asking her to defend the ownership of the pregnancy will also help her realize the gravity of what she has done. No woman likes the paternity of her child questioned, especially by the father of the child. In addition, you have to also factor in the spiritual angle to this whole thing. If true your stepmother is determined to make you suffer for the sins of your father against her, there is no telling the length she will go to make her wish come true. Since she obviously couldn’t stop your financial prosperity or your being married against her wish, she will always be sourcing different ways to make you suffer and be unhappy. Because marriage is everlasting, one that is elastic enough to overcome betrayal, disappointment as well as pains; you and your wife must talk first. Insist she tells you everything there is to tell you about her life as well as her relationship with the other man. If he is still around her, ask her what she wants. Failure, to deal with the presence of this other man in her life will always hunt you and the marriage. She has to come out to say how she feels about you as well as her wish especially concerning the other man. If she wants the other man, best you allow her go before she does more harm to you. As for the child, you both can reach an agreement. But if she gives the assurance that the man is out of her life; believe her and allow the matter rest. Involving her family in her mess; to beg you shows the depth of her regrets. The truth is, no marriage is perfect. Ironically, it is this imperfection that gives marriage its unique character. There is no sin, true love cannot forgive in a marriage or relationship. It is a matter of know what is important to you. Good luck.