Dear Agatha,
I need advice. I am 34 and my woman is 23. We both have a child, a one-year-old baby girl between us. We are yet to marry officially.
Despite having a child together, I am scared of having any permanent arrangement with her. From her attitude, stubbornness, quarrelsome and fighting habits, I am thinking of looking for another woman to marry because I won’t be able to cope with her general attitude. Her attitude is making me reconsider whatever plans we had together.
Because of the child between us, I am faced with the choice of marrying another girl or managing her irrespective of her character. My parents all support my marrying her for the sake of justice.
Luk.
Dear Luk,
Granted, marriage is a product of sentiments and emotions but when it comes to its execution and sustainability, it pays from the beginning to be realistic about one’s goals as well as workability of the relationship.
Although the child between the two of you should ordinarily qualify her for the position of being your wife, but knowing the various components that make up the framework of marriage, it is in the long run overall interest of your union for both of you, particularly you who is having this huge misgivings about marrying her, to consider well.
Being a lifetime commitment, you have every right to worry about the character as well as disposition of the woman you intend living with for the rest of your life. Being the major players in the union, there is no emphasising the need for both of you to have a uniformed focus as well as a certain level of understanding to be able to confront and defeat the inherent challenges of two people coming together under the agreement of marriage.
Like in every partnership, respect is mandatory because without it, chance of the union to make headway is suspect. From this early beginning, both of you must learn about the virtue of mutual respect. Both of you must know what your limitations are as well as outright forbidden areas.
No matter what her background may be, she has to be willing to give it up for the happiness of her marriage.
Aside the issues you mentioned, what other issue are you not comfortable with? Have you at anytime tried to point her at the implications of her attitude on whatever plans she has of marrying you? What is her reaction when you tell her about your displeasure with her quality of behaviour? When did it begin to bother you or notice that she is what you consider anti-social? Was it before or after the birth of your daughter? What were your views of her before the arrival of the baby?
Most importantly, have you bothered to look at her background? Except for some very few, many of us are reflections of what our backgrounds are. Where did you two meet? And before going to bed with her and getting her pregnant, did you bother to investigate her person, background, attitude as well as disposition towards life? Did you simply take her to bed because she was just one woman who caught your fancy?
And what assurances do you have that another woman would be different from her? What mistakes do you think you made in the first place? Did you ever love her, consider her as being part of you? What plans do you have for the child? In your opinion, what kind of marriage do you have in mind? And what do you understand by marriage – a stress-free union or one with plenty of compromises, sacrifices, tolerance and patience? Are you sure these issues you are objecting to in her character would not appear insignificant later in life when the years have mellowed down the rigidity you feel now? Isn’t there a quality about her that you find so irresistible and irreplaceable in another woman; something so strong to help you cope with her not too good side?
These are the issues you must first address as honestly as possible before you make up your mind about another woman or not. Frankly, your perception of marriage is integral to the resolution of the emotional impasse you have found yourself in.
Because the life and future of an innocent child is involved, be truthful that what you complain about her are real issues you simply cannot cope with either now or in the future.
Bear in mind that as a person, we all come with factory defects; there are some habits you have which are simply unacceptable but which she is learning to cope with because of love.
At this point, please call her to discuss the future with her. Having a child together means you cannot afford to treat her like you would treat any other woman or consign her to history forever. The child between you means whether you both like it or not, you would always have occasion to speak or come together in a social gathering.
To avoid permanent enmity between the two of you, the talk should be honest and very extensive. It is also important both of you come to a consensus on the final decision to prevent the child suffering from the results of the emotional war such a situation normally generates.
If convinced that you cannot cope with her, it is best you take the decision now to free her from the double burden of being a mother and a divorcee? It is also important at this stage to think of the welfare of the child who must not suffer lack of care, affection and attention.
It is also important that every member of your family is carried along because you need their cooperation in the care of the baby whether the child stays with her mother or you.
When all issues are brought to the open and jointly agreed on, it forecloses any room for suspicion or rumours.
Importantly, please pray about this and listen to God’s word on the matter.
Good luck.
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