Dear Agatha,
I’m 31, getting ready to marry my heartthrob at the end of this month. I’m already three months gone but to my horror I came to his house unexpectedly recently to meet him and his so-called best man in bed.
He actually told me he would be out of town for the next few days but I had forgotten my wallet containing all my ATM cards in his house so decided to get it before going for shopping that day.
They obviously didn’t hear me because I caught them right in the act.
To make the matter worse, I seem to be an outsider because he told me pointblank that he isn’t ready to give up his relationship with his partner. And that if I am not comfortable, I can call off the wedding and keep the child to myself as compensation for our relationship of three years. He said he would provide me with all the support I need to bring up the child in a very good and comfortable environment if I decide to end the relationship on account of what I witnessed.
Agatha, other women have female competitors, I have to deal with my boyfriend having a male friend, and one he is ready to give me up for.
I can’t ever get over the image of them together and there is no way I can ever give myself to him again but how do I explain my sudden change of mind to my family? How do I cope with being a single parent? At 31, where do I begin from again?
My chief bride’s suggests I abort the baby since it would be a sad reminder of a memory so abominable. My elder sister I told is also of the same view. She says it is best the pregnancy is terminated to end whatever unfortunate misadventure I had with this man.
Another thing I am so confused about is my feelings for him. He is actually the first man I fell for and would really love for a long time to come. I am right now so confused about everything. How do I explain to my parents about the cancellation of the marriage plans and the reason for it? How do I tell my father especially about the pregnancy? My mother is the only one who is aware of my state and didn’t say anything because my marriage is some few weeks away but now that I am canceling it, how do I handle my father if I decide not to abort? Should I decide to go for abortion can you recommend any good doctor for me because I am petrified by the problems I have to deal with in such a short time. We had our engagement ceremony in January. We decided to postpone the wedding date because his mother has been very sick.
Martha.
Dear Martha,This is tough. But one thing you must not do is to abort that child. Whatever happens between you and its father, you must do everything to protect the child you are carrying inside your womb. This child is a special gift from God and could be your only child.
Don’t visit the sin of the father on an innocent life, give it a chance to live and make you happy.
At 31, you aren’t too young to get pregnant and have a baby. Besides, it isn’t as if the paternity of the child is enmeshed in controversy. The father isn’t denying it. At the time you decided to get pregnant, your relationship was heading for the altar so your father or anybody can’t question your decision to get married. Besides, having done the traditional thing, under the native laws and customs you are married and simply waiting for the blessings of the church.
So, this child is legitimate. Besides, you still have its father to answer to. That your body houses the child doesn’t give you sole ownership or exclusive rights over it.
Even if you find the conduct of the father loathsome, he is still the father of your unborn baby hence has the same rights that you have. What do you tell him about the baby? Aborting that child would make you a worst monster than the man you are running away from. I don’t know of any doctor to recommend. In Nigeria, abortion is still illegal, only done when the life of the mother is threatened. I don’t support it because you would be snuffing life out of an innocent soul.
There is nothing to explain to your father beyond telling him that you are pregnant. He may not support you giving birth to your child in his house. Because the child belongs to its father as much as it belongs to you, insist he rents you a comfortable accommodation in a place far away from your friends and family members. Being away from prying eyes would make the pains of your disappointment more manageable and endurable for you. He could also get you a nanny to help you with the baby until you are able to get back to work.
Therefore, this is not the time for you to play the heroine, you need all the help you can get from him to care for this child. It would have been a different case if you started out with the intention of being a single mother but being forced into it requires you take advantage of all the assistance being offered you.
From this early, discuss what his responsibilities are to his child and what to expect as the child grows up. It would also be in the interest of both of you to discuss how you intend to have your future relationship especially concerning the welfare and care of the baby.
As for the scene you witnessed, it is unfortunate but you must strive to put it behind you and move on with whatever decision you eventually make concerning the future of your relationship with him. Once you have made the decision, both of you should decide on the excuse to give your friends and relations especially yours since his people may not know about his sexual preferences.
You need to be careful whom you tell the truth concerning the nature of your challenge with him, not for anything but your child. This matter calls for absolute wisdom. Yes, the truth is not negotiable but sometimes, silence can be golden. And this is the time for such discretion. The true nature of your story should be a family secret because it could also call to question the paternity of your child from mischievous people who don’t know the difference between pure gays and bisexuals.
Your story should be uniformed for people can identify with it. However, your parents have the right to be told the truth but have to support your wishes not to make it public.
It is natural for you to still feel love for him. There is no way you can extinguish the love you have for this man on the strength of what happened between the two of you.
It would take a long process for you to get over him if the choice is to end it. Don’t force it or allow the situation make you bitter and resentful about men generally.
I know the amount of pains you are going through now as well as the fear that the situation has generated inside of you. It won’t go away in a day or soon. Remember, this is just three years of something you planned to be permanent. You must have loved him deeply to make the decision to give him your remaining life.
Dwelling over what you witnessed would only cause you more pains. Like he said, regard this baby as compensation for everything you have been through with him. Invest all your love on ensuring the baby turns out right. Ensure whatever mistakes your man’s mother did with him, that you don’t do it to your child.
The God that sees the end from the beginning knows why the pregnancy came at the time it did. God is never one to plan things without a purpose. Just key into His purpose for you and you will be the happier for it in the end. Some women only get to discover what you chanced on after their marriages and have no choice but to endure the humiliation in silence. God planned it all to give you the chance to make up your mind about the choice you have to make.
As for you being able to begin again, your new beginning lies in the success you record in handling this challenge as well as your pending motherhood.
If you never had a relationship with God, this is the time for you to have one. Take your entire burden to Him in prayers and supplication because some of the things we regard as human beings as disappointments do turn out to be our strength and glory in the end.
There is no way you would have been happy in this arrangement. It is easier to fend your husband off a female lover. But how do you fight him over a male lover? How do you explain to your friends and family that your rival is your husband’s bestfriend, the bestman at your wedding?
In every situation, God says we should give Him all the glory. Yes, the emotional pains now may be unbearable but once you surrender yourself to the wishes of God, you will survive it all after a while.
One thing you must never forget is the fact that you don’t have the licence for this problem. The God that helped men and women who found themselves in your situation would also help you out in these your crucial hours of need.
Good luck
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