My in-laws want everything my late husband worked for

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a widow; have been a one since July last year. My husband died in a motor accident along the Lagos/Benin expressway on his way from an official engagement. His employers were very good to us. Many of his colleagues stood and are still standing by us but because he died intestate, his family has been battling me since his burial for the two houses he left behind. All the money which should have come to me and the children during the burial as well as his entitlement went to his younger brother he documented as his next of kin. He was at a time staying with us, was sponsored by my husband through school. He collected over N6m; he didn’t bother to give the children and I anything. Our last child was at the time of her father’s death writing her project and required certain money. Not wanting to bother me, she went to this uncle of hers, he drove her out of his house, said all sorts unprintable things about me and my children. I only got to hear after the incident. She eventually got the money from her father’s best friend. I have always been a full time house wife; my husband didn’t want me doing anything; he wanted me to be available for the family. Severally, I tried to persuade him to allow me go into business, he declined. In fairness to him, he did his best to make me happy. I am from a very humble background; despite this he married me and today, through his support, I went back to school. I trained as a teacher. My in-laws say they have a right to everything because only their son worked for it all. That since they married me, I haven’t done any kind of work in my life beyond eating and sleeping and that while their son was alive, I was the only one enjoying him even though they were the ones that trained him. Since his death, his sister and another cousin have practically moved in with me; each day is a struggle for me. They insist I pack out of their brother’s house. My children though are 23 and 21 years of age lack the stamina to confront them. Their father always sheltered them. His best-friend who is the lawyer is urging me to go to court, actually went to court to get a restraining order against them but knowing how diabolical they can be, I don’t want trouble for my children. The documents of the house are in my children’s names. My husband built a different house in my name, unknown to his people. I also know he bought a parcel of land in the village two years before he died; he intended it for a farm land but that too has been taking over by his family members who are busy fighting each other for their own share. I am writing to you to help me make the right decision concerning this issue of inheritance. Should I go to court over these two houses or do I allow them take over everything? I am scared of them because from the very moment my husband died, they have started fighting over his property. There are signs to make me believe that they know about his death. Out of three cars he had, they have taken two; the only car I have left is the new one he bought and which didn’t come until after the burial. His friend had to take delivery of it, packed it in his house until four months after his death before bringing it to our house. He told my in-laws that the car was bought by my late husband’s friends for me. But for that story he told them, I wouldn’t have a car to use. Betty. Dear Betty, Life is segmented into different seasons. There is always a time to remain calm and time to fight. Anyone who sits on the fence all the time ends up being a mere spectator in the affairs of men. It is unfortunate you lost your husband in the circumstances that he died but, you must do something to protect the inheritance of your children, no matter how daunting the task appears to be. You have acted reasonably so far bu, you must show your fangs too; make them realize that you have feelings and that you too can bite. They are acting this way because they sense your fear as well as the inability of your children who under the law are old enough to decide what they want, to challenge them. There is a big difference between wisdom and foolishness. Wisdom is what you have displayed thus far; allowing them to take the things they have taken so far but you would be foolish to give up your children’s houses simply because you are afraid of them. The children too have a right to their father’s property. If someone took away N6m without parting with a dime and others are busy cutting up his parcel of land; why should you give up the houses he specifically built in the names of the children? The laws of the land are explicit on such matters. Besides, there is a God you can always run to; you are challenged by their attitude for the reason that you appear timid and one that lacks the courage to fight for what is yours. One way to end this fear of them is to perish the thoughts from your mind that they killed your husband. Only God, the author of life has the power to do that. Your husband died because it was his time to take his final bow. If they had the powers to really kill, you wont be alive today; the same people you think killed your husband would have killed you and the children too to enable them have unlimited access to your late husband’s property; it would have been an easier option for them. That you and the children are still alive means God hasn’t given over your lives to anybody. And as long as you trust and have faith in that God, you will stop being afraid of mere mortals like you. Always believe that where you are concerned, they are limited by the presence of your God. The truth is that, they will not stop at anything to strip you of everything you and your husband worked for. Even if you never worked since you got married him, you produced the right environment for him to create the wealth they are all fighting you for. If you didn’t support him or, gave him hell, he wont have the presence of mind to think positively. For that reason alone, you deserve respect and honour. Besides, whatever they invested on him, isn’t your business. He was their son and their duty to educate him just as it is your business to ensure that your children get the best of their inheritance. Taking over everything your husband worked for in life amounts to denying his children the right to premium education and a good place in the scheme of life. That is what you should protect by refusing total freedom for them to trample upon your rights as his wife and mother of his children. Those children don’t answer to your father’s name; they are the future of their father, his legacy and bequest to his own family. If they have forgotten this fact, make them understand that whether they liked it or not, they must factor in the interest and future of the children their brother left behind; it is the only way the so called school fees they paid on their father can yield better dividends for them to further enjoy. It is high time you stopped feeling sorry for yourself and take complete charge of your life. Begin by serving those who have taken over your house with a quit notice. Should they fail to pack out, consider the option of either selling the house completely or renting it out while you move to a smaller place that, will just be enough for you and your children. Ensure there is no extra room for anybody to stay in. For now, go for a rented apartment to remove all pressures from you. You can move into your own house later but for now, it will be best for you to stay in a rented apartment. This will give them the impression that you are really pressed for cash; that you are down on your knees. Since their motive is to ensure you are left with nothing; they will celebrate their achievement and in the process allow you to begin life anew. Give instruction to your lawyer to go ahead with the case while you go on your knees to ask for strength from God. Let them know that while you are prepared to let go of everything they have stolen from you, but that these two houses belong to your children and you aren’t ready to give them up. Good luck.

Could you beg my husband to forgive me?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Two years ago, I ran into an old schoolmate of mine. We were extremely close while we were in school. When he left me to marry another woman, I was very devastated that I married the first man that proposed to me. I never loved my husband but I had to accept his proposal to protect my image and heart. Being a marketing officer, he was always traveling which gave me freedom from his boring presence. The more he tried to make me happy, the more I loathed him; so much so it became difficult for me to relax whenever we were making love. At a time, I had to device the means of juxtaposing his image with that of my ex to make myself endure his attention. Deep down I didn’t want to have a baby for him and just at the time he was putting pressures on me, I met my ex again quite by accident and one thing led to the other, I became pregnant for him. I was happy thinking he would marry me; I didn’t mind being his second wife as long as I would remain in his life. The issue now is that he is declining responsibility for the child. He said, I should either get rid of it or pass it to my husband as his’. It could have been done if I hadn’t told my husband off; told him that I am leaving him for good; that I have found the man I have always loved; that I never loved him. I have also told him that I am pregnant with the other man’s child. So how do I go back to him? I have suddenly come to the realization that I love him so much. I have made up my mind to abort the baby but the real issue is how to get my husband to listen to me. Can you call him for me since he is your fan? I am sure he will listen to you. And please tell me what to do to make him accept my presence again in his life. Janice. Dear Janice, This matter is beyond my intervention; it is too fundamental for me to get involved. This is a matter you have to first tackle on your own with your husband before I can call him to plead on your case. To do it at this stage is to sweep all the important issues of your union and situation under the carpet. Besides, it will be giving you an easy landing when you should face the consequences of your action. You don’t spit on a man’s face and expect someone else to clean it for you. Even if he agrees to my intervention now, the truth is, the real problems will still remain and bound to come up again in a few months time because marriage is about two people. Both of you must first get to a point for a third party to come into it. In addition, if this man were your brother or friend, would you advice him to take back his wife simply because someone he respects comes into it? The right thing is for you to first attempt a candid approach to it. There are very important issues laced into it that requires your attention as well as assurances. Granted there is no marriage without its upheavals but these are very serious things you have done; issues capable of demoralizing the man as well as damaging him for another woman he maybe interested in marrying in the future. Not only did you hold back your love from him, you also denied him that part of you that is important to every man. it isn’t until you put a knife to his neck to cut it open that you have killed him; in every way, you have killed that thing that makes him a man. If it was a just a case of you going out to have an affair, though bad in itself, it would have been more clear cut a case. But how does one begin to beg a man you so callously treated? You told to his face, not just about the affair you were having but of the baby you are expecting for the man who has made it impossible for you to love him as you ought to. The first question here is, would you have come back to him if the other man you got pregnant for agreed to marry you as a second wife? This is one question you must answer with every fiber of truth in you. it is not just about wanting to come back to your husband but about what you really feel for this man. If you were a man, would you take back a woman who treats you the way you have treated your husband? Would you ever entrust your life to a woman who had the guts and boldness to tell you she never loved you and is leaving you on account of the result of her extra marital affair? What assurances that he won’t be opening himself up for more pains by accepting you back into his life? Honestly, you can only move on from this marital precipice you have placed yourself by first coming out to work on yourself. Remember this man didn’t drive you away; by your own choice, you decided to throw him and his love to the dogs. Your coming back therefore, must be something you really understand and desperate to make right. Between you telling him off and now, what has changed to make you want to come back to him? He deserves to know since that will be one of the things he would put into consideration when making up his mind about your new position. For instance, on what terms do you want to come back to him; to be your friend or continue as your husband? In that case, what happens to the baby inside of you? Even if you succeed in aborting it as you are contemplating, how do you plan to delete the memories of your conduct from your husband’s memory? The truth is when issues become this complicated in a marriage, it is always best for both parties to go on separate little holiday to work things out. Beyond your telling him what your new position is about him, give him time to digest all that have happened to him. That he didn’t complain about your attitude towards his presence during those days he wanted intimacy with you doesn’t mean, he wasn’t aware of your reaction to his presence in your life. Chances are he kept quiet hoping you will get over whatever the problem bothering you was. He may have even suspected your unfaithfulness but hearing it from your own mouth must have caused something to die deep inside him. To even get him to listen to your proposal, you must first find the man inside of him that you lost through your own carelessness. This is the man you must apologise to, make peace with, allay the natural fear of his safety with you and reassure of your loyalty before you can approach him as your husband. this is because you didn’t hurt your husband but rather you did the man encased inside him. He may and may not take you back, but you need to seek first his forgiveness to be able to move past the position you have placed in yourself. As for the pregnancy, the choice of what to do is yours but what happens if that is the only child you are predestined to have? Won’t that be cutting your nose to spite your face? That child is innocent, had no hand in your reckless decisions to sleep with a man who left you to marry another woman. The fact that he left you in the first place to wed another should have told you in clear terms that he didn’t feel the things you felt for him. That alone should have made you to avoid him like a plague. You and not the man; are to blame for the mess your marriage has become. If he denied you and your pregnancy, he has every right to because in accepting what you freely offered, he didn’t promise you anything. His decision shows he is a man who values his home despite his affairs with you. Since you knew the risks involved in dating a married man and announcing your infidelity to your husband, be bold enough to take on the responsibility of this child. Don’t complicate things for yourself by tampering with this pregnancy. If your husband loves you, the presence of that child will not stop him from taking you back. Good luck.