Dear Agatha,
Are all marriages like mine? My marriage is just three years old and already I am fed up and want to call it quits. It has been hell on earth for me.
I simply can’t reconcile the woman who today lives in my house with the same woman I married three years ago. They are worlds apart. The one I married was docile, hardly able to say anything in her defense, always willing to do anything to please me while the woman who today stays in my house is a monster, ready to devour at the slightest opportunity, very aggressive and rude.
In addition, she is lazy, aggressive, dirty, uncultured and a lousy cook. The only place she excels is in the bedroom.
Because I married very late, 38, I have done everything to overlook all her excesses but nothing seems to be working and she is getting worse each day. Can you imagine since giving birth to our son, she has refused to resume or engage in any kind of business? Despite being able to afford the luxury of picking up all the bills of my family, I never bargained for a fulltime housewife. I am one of those men who believe that a woman should be engaged in one kind of business or the other. What is the essence of a woman’s education if she is going to waste it as a fulltime housewife?
I have offered to set her up in business to ensure she has her own money because life is full of the unexpected. Once I asked her what she would do if something terrible happens to me, she told me without batting her eyelid, that she would simply look for another man with enough money to care for her and marry.
When I asked what would happen to the children, she said, she would pass them over to my siblings as she has no intentions of foisting them on another man.
I didn’t say anything but kept quiet as a result of shock and anger. Beyond these feelings, I also gained something important; to invest separately for the children we plan to have together. I immediately changed my documents to reflect my son as being my next of kin as well as transferred all the property I have to my son.
Even though we have a maid, I expect my meals to be made by her, especially as she is always at home. I expect her to also wash my underwear. The maid not only does these things but also washes her own underwear, including her menstrual pants. I didn’t know how bad her laziness was until recently when the maid came into our bathroom to collect the dirty clothes including the bloodstained pants she left in the wash hand basin.
I had to personally retrieve them from the maid who told me she didn’t mind since it wasn’t the first time she would be made to wash my wife’s blood stained pants. I felt humiliated! When I questioned her on why she would allow the maid wash her blood stained pants, she not only told me it wasn’t any business of mine but also accused me of supporting the maid to disrespect her position as the woman of the house.
Agatha, I can go on and on. Any attempt to correct her brings problems between us. These days, I derive more joy staying out with my friends. I have been resisting getting involved in an extra marital affair but her attitude is pushing me towards it. I prayed for a peaceful home, caring and understanding wife but I don’t know how I managed to end up with this monster.
I really do not know what I expect from you but writing you is my way of unburdening myself of this sad story which only closest friends and my elder sister are aware of. I am afraid of letting go of my temper. I really don’t want to do anything I might regret later, especially as I have a son to think of.
Agonizing Husband.
Dear Agonizing Husband,
There is no perfect marriage but undiluted passion to make it work at all cost. Many women are like your wife, with razor sharp tongue that can slice through a rock. It is the nature of women to sometimes talk and act without thinking of the consequences or implications of their actions. Taking what she said too serious may make you begin to impute secondary reasons to her behaviour or come to conclusions far different from what she had in mind when she made those statements. So it is always best you don’t even begin to attempt the interpretations for the sake of not only your sanity but the well-being of the marriage.
Most men too have learnt to ignore such women by taking no notice of those things women say when angry or in one of their many inexplicable moods. This is because those men who have ignorantly taken to heart these words women utter when angry end up taking decisions they later come to regret. Move closer to older men, the ones with the experiences of dealing with women for a long time and they will tell you that any man who wants to live long and be happy in life must learn to accommodate very early in his married life the unexpected nature of the woman.
Trust me, overtime you will develop the thick skin to cope with her acidic tongue. It is the only way to render her poisonous venom ineffective. When a man develops the wisdom to either walk away or ignore a rampaging woman, spoiling for a fight, she deflates.
She could even get angrier for being ignored but after a while, especially when the children start coming, she would learn to curb her utterances for her not to lose the support and respect of her children. If there is something a majority of women secretly fear it is the reproof of their children. Women like having their children on their side so are always careful of what they say or do to their husbands when these children are growing up.
You can bet that over time, she would learn to be more diplomatic in her attitude towards you.
As for her other irritating habits, changing her would require extra patience on your side. There is no situation in life which patience and tolerance cannot defeat. Sometimes this may bother on stupidity but when one has the passion for something no price is too much to pay for it.
Devote time to teaching her how you want things to be around you. Some weekends that you have the time, get up and lead the way on how you think the house should be kept clean. Stop the house-help from washing your underwear or hers for that matter. By learning to do it yourself in her presence would motivate her after a while to do it herself. There are some situations, shouting, quarrelling and hot exchange of words would not change but which a seeming stupid act of patience can achieve effortlessly. It is not her duty alone to make the marriage work. You also have a major role at filling the gaps in areas you have noticed some weakness or cracks.
Your duty as the man goes beyond pointing out her faults. What about yours? Like her, you also have yours. It would be beneficial to both of you if you sat her down to talk about your own faults as well as the real reasons she changed from the loving lady to the monster in your home now.
The change is too dramatic not to have a strong reason. You may not know how much your attitude influenced this change but asking her would help you know as well as the areas to make amends.
Do whatever it takes to make this marriage work because out there are more dangerous and worse women.
As for her refusal to work, let her be, especially if you both didn’t discuss it before getting married. She may just be one of those women who simply don’t like to work. Someone people are like that. To them being a wife and mother is enough for them; insisting she does anything else may break your home. Just make sure you invest wisely to insure the future of the children.
Whatever happens, be determined to make it work. I am sure there are days you feel really happy with her; not all these three years are made up of bad memories. Since you have a good love life, it is a starting point for both of you to re-position your marriage.
Don’t forget the power of prayer. Always pray for God’s wisdom and patience when things are really bad. With time, things will work out if only you are both willing to learn from all that is happening to your marriage. There is always a lesson somewhere in whatever happens to us in life.
Good luck.
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