My Man Is Stingy

By thepost on December 30, 20160 Comments

Dear Agatha,

I have been in love with this man for over two years. I actually enjoyed being in a relationship with him for a while until I discovered his true nature.

Before this, we had gone through the process of visiting each other’s family.

Just when I was really settling into the relationship, I discovered aspects of him that will definitely become a huge problem for me in the future. For instance, when it comes to money he is absolutely miserly. Since we started dating, he has never given me a dime. It isn’t just me he is stingy to. He does the same thing to his family members.

His ‘tightfistedness’ extends to the way home appliances are used. He doesn’t allow us to put on the fan, no matter how hot the weather is. He also puts off the fridge when nobody is at home.

He stops any visitor from visiting unless the person makes a commitment to him to pay his or her way to and from our house.

Some few weeks ago, I had to undergo an operation. Despite earning more than 300,000 Francs a month, he was unable to send money for my treatment. He gave his usual excuse of not having money. I’m hurt at the way he is treating me. Though I resolved to henceforth regard him as a room-mate, but it still doesn’t lessen the pains I feel in my heart at his callousness towards me.

Agatha, I’m tired.

Grace.

Dear Grace,

If it’s any consolation, you are not alone in this kind of relationship. We are all not wired alike. While some people are generous to a fault some are also parsimonious to a fault. It is in their nature. Any attempt to change who they are always complicate things between them and their partners, especially if such persons are too much in a hurry to make them do things against their nature.

Consider yourself lucky that you are finding out about his true nature before marriage. At least, you still have the choice of whether to continue with him or end the relationship.

Also the definition of stinginess is subjective. What you consider frugal may just be an application of common sense. He may also consider you too extravagant and unreasonable. For instance the issue of switching off the fridge when nobody is at home isn’t a function of being stingy but more of common sense since an electric spark or malfunction can occur anytime. It is best to err on the side of caution than to be sorry. It would have been a different thing altogether if he insists on the fridge being off even when people are in the house.

Yes, the issue of him disallowing anyone from operating the fan may be a little odd, but rather than take it as a crime against him, why not enquire of him why he doesn’t like the idea of you putting on the fan even when the weather is extremely uncomfortable. You can through superior argument make him change his mind. By nicely explaining to him that his attitude negates his decision to equip his home with a fan would make him realize his foolishness, or at least offer an explanation.

On the issue of insisting that intending visitors take responsibility of paying their transport to and fro isn’t really out of place. You don’t know the different experiences he has had with people who just pick their bags to visit without considering whether their host/hostess is in a position to fund their desires, while still expecting enough money to cover their transport cost. Opening his doors to who can pay his/her way, doesn’t present him as one who is as tight-fisted as you make him appear to be.

What I think he is out to achieve is weeding unnecessary visitors and distractions from his home. This way, only persons who have genuine reasons to visit him will come. Again, it will be good to ask him reasons for his decisions.

Being his woman, you have the right to ask him why he appears always broke when he earns a reasonable salary. He could be involved in projects you don’t know of. Rather than come to the conclusions that he doesn’t care about you or is deliberately withholding his money from you, let him know what you feel and how pained you are at his attitude towards money.

It is important in the interest of fair play that you tell him you didn’t like what he did when you went through an operation. Make it clear you weren’t expecting him to pick the entire bill for your operation but you expected him to at least demonstrate some financial commitment to it.

 There is a fine line between obnoxious and reason.  Understanding the other person entails setting our personal outlook on neutral. This way, we are able to see and reason without sentiments. To you, he is stingy because he fails to live up to your expectations of what you think is right. This could be why you are unnecessarily being judgmental of his person and getting all hurt.

Oftentimes, the hurt, resentment and disappointment we feel towards our partners come from our own inability to be broad-minded about our perception of life. Just like you have the right to do things your way, so does your boyfriend.

A perfect relationship isn’t defined by the number of years a couple has been together, but by their ability to bridge individual differences.

There must be concomitant will on your part as well as your boyfriend’s to find a common ground for the sake of your relationship.

But this is all about you and what you want to happen in your life. If you feel you cannot cope with him, no need continuing in the relationship. End it before you hurt yourself any longer but if you think there is a chance for both of you to make things better, initiate a dialogue aimed at finetuning all the grey areas in your relationship.

Always have this at the back of your mind, nobody has it all. It is from the ashes of our imperfection; that our perfection is given life.

Good luck.

She is pregnant with another man’s child

By thepost on December 28, 20160 Comments

Dear Agatha,

I’m in a very messy situation and need urgent answers from you before I do something stupid.

I have a girlfriend, I love very much and whom I plan to spend the rest of my life with.

Sometime ago, I accommodated her in my apartment because the apartment she paid for was undergoing construction.  I have known her since her first year in school. I happen to work in the same university she is schooling.

About three weeks ago, I had reasons to travel and told her to look for a place to stay pending when I would return. I didn’t want to leave her alone at home for security reasons.

We have never had unprotected sex, despite promptings from her at times that she doesn’t mind not having protection.

I was therefore shocked when she told me she missed her period. I immediately knew I wasn’t responsible for her condition.

When I demanded to know how that was possible since I always used condom; it was then she told me that when I traveled and told her to find a place to stay, she was raped by the guy whose room she slept that night.

Agatha, is this girl telling the truth? Don’t you think they are in a relationship?  Why would she sleep in a guy’s room?

 I blame her for this ugly development because for over three weeks after I came back from the trip, she didn’t tell me anything. It is now that she is pregnant that she is telling me about the rape incident. I have since taken her to the hospital for proper medical checkup.

Agatha, I’m shattered because it took me years to find her. What should I do please?

EJ

Dear EJ,

These are questions you should be asking the girl, not me. She is the only one that can say why she elected to sleep in a man’s room when she could easily have put up with a female friend. The simple truth is; no woman would have the confidence to sleep in a guy’s room without the two of them having an affair. Yes, she can go to him for help but a decent guy would leave his room for his female friend to be comfortable as well as protect her moral values.

That the two of them slept together in the same room without any scruples, indicates she consented to whatever may happen afterwards. To insist she was raped in that situation she willingly walked into would be difficult to prove. She is being stingy with the truth, especially as she didn’t tell you about the incident for all of three weeks, or about whose place she slept when you were out of town.

Even if the guy is guilty of rape, your girlfriend exposed herself to such abuse by consenting to that kind of arrangement in the first place. If she knew she didn’t have a place to stay while you were out of town, why didn’t she tell you so? Besides, before you offered her accommodation, where was she staying? Why couldn’t she have gone back to the friends she was staying with before she moved in with you.

No one can prove a case against this man, because your woman for reasons best known to her sought his assistance for temporary accommodation; walked into his room of her own freewill; and didn’t protest the two of them sharing a room for the night. She couldn’t have been that gullible to think the guy would allow her share his room without anything happening between the two of them. At the point he locked the door against them that night, they had become two consenting adults.

But you aren’t altogether without some sort of blame. Though, you claim security concerns necessitated your asking her to find an alternative accommodation while you were away, did you bother to find out where she had in mind or who she finally went to? Do you even know who her friends are? If you did, you would have suggested the friend you wanted her to stay with.

Your attitude to the whole issue of where and who she stayed with during the period of your trip, questions your true feelings for her. A man who loves his woman would not be so uncaring as not to be inquisitive to know who his woman stayed with while he was away. You should have made the effort to find out the identity of the friend with a view to offering your gratitude for allowing the woman you love and plan to spend the rest of your life with, stay for the period you were away. This is the ideal, irrespective of the two of them being friends. That you failed to be concerned indicates a red alert in your relationship.  You might want to ask yourself some very soul searching questions only you can answer. Just be very honest with yourself to get the right riposte. In any case, was it too much to consider getting a friend of hers or even your brother stay in your house to keep her company while you were away?

Undoubtedly, she is penny-pinching with the truth. But this is solely your call. If you love her enough to overlook this slip, do the needful by adopting the unborn child as yours as it would be impossible to pin the baby on the man she claimed raped her. Besides, since you both have been cohabiting, you would automatically be assumed to be responsible for her condition. If you aren’t wise and absolutely diplomatic in dealing with this situation, it could turn very messy; the kind that could cost you your job.

But to do this, is to be sure you trust her story and love her enough to forget this misadventure of hers. It is the only way you can accept and treat the baby as yours. I say this because if there is any shadow of doubt within you, it would affect your behaviour towards the innocent child.

But if the real issue here is the time it took you to find her, please let her go. This issue will always be a problem between the two of you.

Only an unconditional kind of love has the capacity and ability to eclipse the doubt this situation has created in your relationship.

 it is imperative she tells you the real truth not just about this pregnancy but also about herself. It is crystal clear from this episode that you really do not know the woman you have been living with.

However, hear what plans she has for herself and her unborn child before explaining your position to her.

But for the records, a man may use condom and his woman can still get pregnant if there is a leak in the condom. This is just to inform you that the use of condom is not absolute in preventing pregnancy.

Ask God for help in prayer.

Good luck

She Is Being Unreasonable

By thepost on December 24, 20160 Comments

Dear Agatha,

Thank you for the words of wisdom you normally pass on to those who ask from you.

I’m 45 years of age and was doing well, until I got involved with the mother of my six children, years ago. Immediately, she came into my life, things became difficult but I assumed it was a passing phase; that my economy would pick up again.

Due to the exorbitant nature of marriage rites in her home town, we agreed to put the ceremony on hold but started cohabiting as man and wife. The children came in quick succession. During the course of our stay, I discovered we never agreed on anything. For instance, we couldn’t resolve the simple issue of how many children we wanted.

Since I didn’t want as many children as she did, she reported me to my family that I was denying her the right to have as many children as she wanted. My father who is late now and the entire family supported her position to have more children.

Today, my father is no more and it has become extremely difficult for me to provide for them. She is not doing anything. Any business she ventures into, folds up within two weeks. At a time, principalities physically locked her shop.

Subsequently her behaviour changed towards me so much so, she decided to end the marriage. I waited for her for five months but she remained adamant.

Confused at the trend of things happening in my life, I went to several men of God who all confirmed that she and my mother were responsible for my series of misfortunes through witchcraft. I was told to avoid her completely to be delivered.

I started dating another lady. Within a year we got married according to Native Law and Custom. We were progressing. I told her that I had a lady who bore me a child. I was told by the men of God not to mention I had six children with the woman.

But she found out and told her family. Her mother and her siblings came to attack me with a gun in my house. I was injured, my valuables stolen, including my car and I was chased out of my house by them.

For four months, I lived in the church and returned to the house only after my pastor conducted deliverance for me.

A month after I returned, my wife started nagging me to complete the marriage rites before we can live in peace. In addition to denying me sex, she forbade me from seeing my children; that I should be sending them money only.  She also demanded for security for herself and our only child together.

We argue often over little things because according to her, I have not agreed to her request to marry her properly.

Much as I love her, I was told by my prophet that she was dedicated to their family’s deity when she was eight years of age and that she has a marine husband- meaning she is not to marry a physical man. Members of both families, including my mother are all attacking me for breaking their covenant with her. Every attempt I have made for her to be serious with the things of God have proved abortive. It is either she refuses to attend church or leaves before the close of service.

The funny thing is, she was the one who was always dragging me to church during our courtship.

Whenever I confront her after she misbehaved to me, she would claim not to know what came over her. Please I don’t know what to do as I wouldn’t want my first set of children to lose out of my property. Also, I don’t want to continue moving from one woman to another. This isn’t the kind of life I want for myself. I’m a quiet and peace loving person.

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man,

Your story is a very complicated one but not beyond what God can do. This is what you must have at the back of your mind always. To attempt to do anything on your own without putting God first in this situation you are in, is to endanger your life as well as your children’s.

Candidly, the women in your life are not your problem. From your story, the major hindrance is your mother. Without her releasing you from the spiritual bondage she has placed on you, you will never have the spiritual freedom to prosper.

Therefore, you must begin the quest for your spiritual freedom from the doorstep of your mother. It is essential you know what your problem with your mother is. When I say problem, it doesn’t necessarily mean you offended her but there are certain things about our births, only our mothers are aware of. She has to explain the spiritual issues surrounding your being.

The fact that the two women you brought into your life have strong spiritual influences and connections which your mother is aware of, can only mean one thing, she too is in league with whatever powers these women are involved with. That puts her therefore in the best position to explain the things you don’t understand about your relationships with women as well as proffer a solution.

Also, according to you, she was fingered by the various men of God you went to, as being behind your misfortune. In addition, if she is saying you breached the agreement she and your second woman had by your refusal to complete every marriage rites on her, then she sure knows a lot of things about the issues confronting you more than anyone else.

But you have to enlist the help of God through prayers and fasting before speaking with your mother on this issue. Without God’s invention, you may not get any useful information from her.

It is only when your mother releases you that you can confront your wife. If she is truly forbidden to marry spiritually, there is no way she would have given birth to a child for you. Besides, if you have gone through native laws and customs, why are you hesitating doing as she says, marrying her in church and registry?  Something is clearly not right about that story.

Much as I agree you have to defend the interest of your first set of children, you have to be alive to do that. You must have the courage to tackle all your problems from the root. In talking to your mother, don’t be confrontational. All you have to do is appeal to the mother in her. Ask her to help you stay alive to take care of her and your children.

One weakness I noticed in your letter is your inability to pray on your own. In the first instance, you shouldn’t have lied to your second woman on the number of children you had in your first attempt at marriage. The number of children you have isn’t something that can be hidden from her for too long. Had you prayed personally, God would have told you what to do. There is no way He would cause a greater problem than the one you were contending with by telling you to lie.

If your wife is misbehaving, it is because you lied about such a fundamental thing to her. She naturally feels if you can lie about such an obvious thing as the number of children you had before meeting her, then you can lie about other things that are not so obvious hence her insistence that you marry her properly.

Also, not telling the truth sent a wrong signal about your lack of trust in her. Trust is of prime essence in every relationship; without which it becomes an empty shell that cannot be salvaged. That single lie destroyed whatever chance your relationship had to grow. For that reason, you owe your wife apologies. Explain to her why you didn’t tell her the whole truth from the beginning.

If you don’t want this marriage to end, you have to meet her half way. You simply have to make the efforts not just for your sake, but for the sake of your children.

As for the welfare of your first set of children, set up a trust fund for them until they are old enough to manage the funds by themselves. You can invest in Federal Government treasury bills or bonds using their names. There are more secured ways than landed property to bequeath to children. This way there would be no ambiguity or needless legal cases after you are gone.

Like I said, there is no power greater than God’s. If you are determined, you can pray your wife out of any stronghold and lead her into the presence of God. Establish a link between you and God. It is important.

Good luck.

I’m Fed Up With Life

By thepost on December 23, 20160 Comments

Dear Agatha,

At 43 years of age, I’m fed up with life. In the last three years, life has been so difficult for me.  My wife left me during the last presidential election and is now living with another man.

When I could no longer endure the shame I had to relocate from Abuja where I lived with my wife to a remote village, in Bauchi State.

But my mother has been pressuring me to return home and start afresh, that my life shouldn’t end because a woman left me.

Please, I need your advice

Okonkwo

Dear Okonkwo,

Something tells me that your problem has nothing to do with your location but your person.

At 43, your life should have gone beyond the stage of your mother telling you where to stay or live your life.

That she is still insisting you come back home underscores an inherent problem somewhere in your life.

Are you willing to face the truth? Without a genuine desire on your part to effectively tackle this problem, you will just be dancing on a sport until too late to do anything about your situation.

Your problem didn’t begin with your wife leaving you.

No, it is deeper than that.

Although you failed to mention for how long you both stayed together as a couple before she left you, or if there was a proper marriage for that matter. Although, the fact that she left your house to live with another man while you relocated to Bauchi, tells a story of things not done right from the onset.

If you both had a proper marriage, your families would have been involved in either settling the dispute or dissolving the marriage. The fact that nobody from your families appeared to settle the rift between you both underscores an inherent problem with your life.

Though you made allusion to the past three years as being the most frustrating, the question is, have you always had an easy life? If so, why is your mother urging you to come to the village and why did you opt for a remote area when there are towns you could have stayed, if the purpose is indeed to escape the shame of your woman abandoning you for another man?

So, what is the real problem? Has it to do with your foundation and family, or is it just you, having problem in the family? If you are the only one; what kind of choices did you make in life that might have brought you to this pitiable level?

At times, the mistakes and choices we make during those years of youthful exuberance do stalk us into our adult life, making it difficult for us to make progress. It could come in the form of a life-time opportunity missed physically, academically, emotionally or spiritually.

Such rare chances don’t come twice in a lifetime, hence when missed, they are never recovered, unless through the mercy of God.

Your ill-fated marriage may just be a result of that opportunity you lost earlier in life or part of a foundational problem you inherited from your fore-fathers.

To properly situate where your problem is coming from, first undertake a careful study of your family history roots.

Then ask yourself the following question which must seek true answer to: Are your problems peculiar to you or are there antecedents? If you aren’t the only one, then it is from your family tree. Look around you again to find out how others were able to overcome these challenges and if none has been able to get out of it, act fast by digging deeper into your origin with a view to mapping out ways of how to effectively tackle them from the root.

Be mindful, finding out is one thing, freeing yourself is another thing. You must be ready to fast and pray to get respite from the situation.

The presence of serious spiritual problem in one’s life could actually make family and friends become hostile without meaning to. While not in any way supporting what your woman did to you, she might not even understand what informed her decision.

This is why, even if you are the only one going through these challenges in your family, you must pray to God for intervention in your matter.

It is only after you have freed yourself from any spiritual constraints that you can focus on the other aspects of your life. Without spiritual harmony in our lives, every effort put in making a difference ends up a nullity.  This explains why seemingly average people end up doing so well, while exceptionally brilliant persons end up as failures.

Giving up on life generally is defeatist. This is one weapon the devil employs in discouraging people from developing the will to fight for their freedom in life.

Frankly, if you don’t end your self-pity and anger at the world, you will never show that woman who left you for another man that she made the biggest mistake of her life. Going to a remote area to escape the scorn isn’t the solution. Without a well thought out plan of action, you will end up more miserable.

Like I said earlier, the location isn’t the main problem with you. If God says your current location is where He is set to bless you, there is nothing you can do about that. There are so many people who should be in the village doing very well but who are in the city suffering. It is a simple matter of having the right connections to God.

At your age, your mother isn’t the only one you should be listening to. Hear also and more importantly, from God who created you and has your master plan in His hands. Your mother can only pray for you at this stage but only God can tell you how best to recover your life. Once that happens, you will be surprised at how fast you will recover from your current travails, including having the right woman in your life.

Studying the words of God will certainly help you greatly in understanding life better and deeper. Every man comes with a destiny that has to be fought for before it can become manifest. For everyone who has a success story in life, one person in the family stood in the gap.

You have to stand in gap for yourself and descendants to gain freedom from your kind of challenges.

Good luck.

He Doesn’t Care About Me

By thepost on December 6, 20160 Comments

Dear Agatha,

I’m a 300 level law student while my boyfriend is a final year medical student. We have been dating for a year now. I met him through a cousin who is his best friend and classmate.

From the inception of our relationship, he told me he may not always have time for me because of his studies. I didn’t mind, because he is the kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

As a result of my resolve to ensure success of the relationship, I took it upon myself to always visit him at weekends and to call him everyday. He tries to call from time to time, but I do most of the calling. I really didn’t mind, not even when my friends started making fun of me as well as insinuating that I wanted the relationship more than him.

Unlike my friends whose boyfriends were always available for social outings, mine was always too busy to even visit me. I complained to my cousin who pleaded with me to be tolerant and not mind my friends.

However something happened about three weeks ago. I took ill and couldn’t call or visit him. I had thought he would immediately contact me when I didn’t call or visit him that weekend. It took him two days to call me to find why he hadn’t heard from me. It took him another day for him to come and visit me in the hostel. By the time he showed up with the drugs I needed, my friends were so angry with him that they told him to go back with the drugs. He apologized but I was still very hurt and angry with him.

My cousin again intervened on his behalf and berated me for allowing my friends get involved in my affairs. He explained that they had some important tests to write.

We managed to make up, but I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing staying in this relationship. I look like a fool calling him everyday. He should be the one running after me not the other way round. Although he now calls me frequently to ask after my health and well-being, but like my roommates asked, for how long? Even when I have tests or exams to write, I still find time for him, why can’t he do same for me? I don’t know what to do anymore.

Lilly.

Dear Lilly,

Being in final year in medical school requires utmost concentration to sail through the final hurdle. He needs every support from those close to him, especially his girlfriend so that the years he spent so far won’t go to waste. He cannot afford to fail at this critical stage. No matter what he has done, this is the stage for you to be very supportive of him.

The fact that you are the one who appears to be driving the relationship now doesn’t mean it will remain like that or that he doesn’t care. Give him the benefit of doubt at least until after he writes his final examinations.

Your cousin won’t be seeking your understanding if he isn’t sure about his feelings for you. Being his friend, his assessment of him cannot be wrong.

Furthermore don’t forget that he told you at the onset of your relationship that he may not always be available. If you didn’t think it was a problem then, why are you now having second thoughts? It isn’t right to change the rules in the middle of a game at all. It would have been a different matter entirely if he didn’t explain his predicament to you from the beginning. Your anger and hurt would have been understandable.

This is why you must learn to keep your friends out of this relationship for now. In their anger, they could unwittingly destroy your relationship even before it begins to take root. Don’t forget they don’t know anything about him or your feelings for him for that matter.

Besides, having being with him for a year, you should be able to say one or two things about his person and character. Relationship building isn’t just about intimacy but total observations of the nature and principle of the other person. Begin to observe those little things you think don’t matter but which, in fact, you need to learn about his person. These are the things that will help you to be happy, whatever your decisions are, today.

The timing of this relationship may not be right but if you are willing to make the sacrifices now, you may come to enjoy him later. The fact that he came as fast as he could, and even brought drugs for you, underlines his concern and care for you. Don’t neglect that fact.

I appreciate the hunger for his company but you cannot for now eat and still have your cake. Give him the freedom and presence of mind to study for his final examinations.

It is only after this that you can correctly determine whether he likes you or not. If he continues to be cold towards you after he has finished with his examinations, then you can go ahead with your decision to end it. But for now, continue to offer him the basic support he needs to scale through this period of his life.

Finally, telling him about your current disposition towards the relationship will also help both of you clear the fog of doubt beclouding your mind.

In life, whatever will be will be. The worst case is that both of you go your separate ways.

At least, that will help you stay focused on your studies too.