With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for about one year now. In December I decided to meet her family for the first time.
I know, from our conversation, that her mother is a divorcee for close to two decades, and that she was responsible for the welfare of her children.
From my girlfriend’s accounts of her mother’s struggles, I expected her to be middle-aged. But I was almost taking her for my girlfriend’s elder sister when I finally got to meet with her.
Without any form of make-up, she was extremely beautiful. This is the kind of woman you know immediately owes her beauty to God and not to beauty products.
Needless to say I was captivated by her so much so I just wanted to sit and stare at her. I found myself staying till very late evening. I just wanted to be near her.
At that time, I didn’t know what it was I felt for her, but as the days went by I discovered I was thinking more of the mother than the daughter. Gradually, I began to notice flaws I didn’t know existed in my girlfriend, seeing her as childish and not good enough for me.
I know this may sound outrageous, but I am fallen deeply in love with my girlfriend’s mother. It isn’t the kind of crazy urge to possess her, but something much deeper than that. I just want to be near her, loving her, doing things for her and deriving happiness being near her.
It is crazy, I agree, but everyday I see her, which is often these days, since I find all sorts of funny excuses to visit my girlfriend in her house. She is overjoyed thinking it is a sign that I have finally made up my mind to marry her.
To be truthful with you, Agatha, I don’t feel anything anymore for my girlfriend. Even if I don’t end up with the mother, I won’t go any further with her or any younger lady. I am beginning to realise that I find older women more attractive and mature.
A friend of mine I told about my feelings for my girlfriend’s mother, advised me to stop visiting, that it was too dangerous for everyone concerned but I simply cannot stop. I crave everyday to hear her voice, see her smile, take in the smell of her perfume and just be near her. Sometimes, I find myself calling her just to get relieve from speaking with her on the phone.
It all so crazy that during the last Valentine’s Day, I insisted that we stayed at home with her.
Please, Agatha, how do I handle my twin problems: ending my relationship with my girlfriend and declaring my love for her mother? I am really in love with her. I am 30, my girlfriend is 28, and she is 55 years of age. Am I weird?
Taiwo.
Dear Taiwo,
There is nothing in the law books that prohibits a younger man from falling in love with an older woman. This is because love can happen in an unexpected place. But it isn’t every love we feel is right or permitted to happen. Along life’s journey, we would come across different kinds of love, what makes us human and accountable is our ability to fight against feelings considered unreasonable.
For love to be beautiful and rewarding, it has to be responsible and premised on reality. That is why a lot of people don’t subscribe to love being blind.
It is the reality aspect of love that prevents sane people from falling in love with insane people, no matter how beautiful or handsome. No matter the power of love would make a sane person bring home an insane person from the street as his or her object of love. Just as the responsibility aspect of love frowns at what you are about to do to your girlfriend. The woman in question is her mother.
No matter how or what you feel for this woman, reality and responsibility demand that you should put as much distance between you and this woman.
In the first instance, she is the mother of your girlfriend, not a woman you can afford to mess with. She is being receptive towards you because you are her daughter’s boyfriend and one she hopes will one day become her son-in-law.
Being a single mother who has struggled to train her children and make them whom they are now, she is naturally expecting them to settle into their own homes. If her daughter is 28 and you 30, she could easily be your own mother. Therefore you owe it to yourself to discipline your feelings, no matter how strong they are.
You will be destroying a lot of things in that family if you make the mistake of breathing the word out. It won’t be just about you any more, but about everything that woman has struggled to put together all these years on her own.
By your declaration and feelings, you would forever create a whole set of problems between mother and daughter. From the day you dump the daughter for your attraction for the mother, you plant a permanent seed of hatred from the daughter to the mother. There is nothing the mother would do or say will ever make her trust her mother again.
At that point, it won’t matter to her whether her mother is in the know or not, what would be upper most in her mind is that her mother has betrayed her. She will never be able to forgive or forget that fact that her boyfriend she brought home dumped her because he fell in love with her mother.
In addition, to destroying a family, this woman has carefully put together, you will be exposing her to the ridicule of those who have never wished her well. This is because jealousy would make the daughter say things she isn’t supposed to utter to people she would ordinarily not talk to about her mother.
If you really love this woman, don’t say anything to her or her daughter. Since you have come to the conclusion that you are no longer in love with your girlfriend, stick to that fact. You could say you have found yourself a woman with a more mature mind than hers.
And please in the interest of all concerned, stop going to the house or calling her. Even if your girlfriend’s mother calls you to ask what the problem is, tell her that you have found someone else; that you have realised that if you marry her daughter, both of you will never be happy as a couple.
If you can, move away from the two of them. Ask for transfer if possible to a place you can start all over again. By the time you put a good distance between you and these women, your emotional recovery will be quicker than if you stay around where you will be constantly reminded of them.
One of the reasons you have fallen so hard for her is because you get to see her too often. Give yourself a chance to fall in love with the right woman, one whose love will never make you look at another woman.
The important lesson you should take away from all these is, only a woman with a mature mind will really make you happy in life. So next time, look for the woman who has that maternal quality, who is almost natural and has a wise and mature heart. Deep inside you, you want a woman with these kinds of qualities for you to come home to. This is the hidden message in all these.
Good luck.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
How do I get her amidst all her male admires?
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column. I really learnt a lot from reading your answers. There is this girl I met recently and it is obvious that a lot of guys are also interested in her. I don’t know if she has decided on any particular one yet.
But one thing is that I am sure of is my love for her. I haven’t told her anything, because I don’t want to rush her into anything but I am afraid another guy may be faster than I am. Don’t know what to do or how best to approach the issue. I really love this girl. I feel ashamed asking for this kind of help, but I just have to do it.
Larry.
Dear Larry,
There is nothing to be ashamed of asking for help. It is our reason for being here.
If you don’t act fast, another smart guy will. Every girl has her highpoint. She is obviously in that season of her life when she is in hot demand. This particular fact shouldn’t intimidate you at all. It is all part of growing up and acquiring experiences.
Even if you will be turned down, go and declare your love for her. You may just be the man she is waiting for from the lots that are asking for her attention.
The best approach is to ask for the chance of being her friend. This will afford both of you the rare opportunity of getting to know yourselves better. You must first get to know the person inside the image before declaring love.
Many girls, women get irritated when a man meeting them for the first time declares being in love. It can be really annoying. So do what others are not doing by offering her friendship first. It will stand you out as a very serious minded man, different from all the others.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column. I really learnt a lot from reading your answers. There is this girl I met recently and it is obvious that a lot of guys are also interested in her. I don’t know if she has decided on any particular one yet.
But one thing is that I am sure of is my love for her. I haven’t told her anything, because I don’t want to rush her into anything but I am afraid another guy may be faster than I am. Don’t know what to do or how best to approach the issue. I really love this girl. I feel ashamed asking for this kind of help, but I just have to do it.
Larry.
Dear Larry,
There is nothing to be ashamed of asking for help. It is our reason for being here.
If you don’t act fast, another smart guy will. Every girl has her highpoint. She is obviously in that season of her life when she is in hot demand. This particular fact shouldn’t intimidate you at all. It is all part of growing up and acquiring experiences.
Even if you will be turned down, go and declare your love for her. You may just be the man she is waiting for from the lots that are asking for her attention.
The best approach is to ask for the chance of being her friend. This will afford both of you the rare opportunity of getting to know yourselves better. You must first get to know the person inside the image before declaring love.
Many girls, women get irritated when a man meeting them for the first time declares being in love. It can be really annoying. So do what others are not doing by offering her friendship first. It will stand you out as a very serious minded man, different from all the others.
Good luck.
How do I get her amidst all her male admires?
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column. I really learnt a lot from reading your answers. There is this girl I met recently and it is obvious that a lot of guys are also interested in her. I don’t know if she has decided on any particular one yet.
But one thing is that I am sure of is my love for her. I haven’t told her anything, because I don’t want to rush her into anything but I am afraid another guy may be faster than I am. Don’t know what to do or how best to approach the issue. I really love this girl. I feel ashamed asking for this kind of help, but I just have to do it.
Larry.
Dear Larry,
There is nothing to be ashamed of asking for help. It is our reason for being here.
If you don’t act fast, another smart guy will. Every girl has her highpoint. She is obviously in that season of her life when she is in hot demand. This particular fact shouldn’t intimidate you at all. It is all part of growing up and acquiring experiences.
Even if you will be turned down, go and declare your love for her. You may just be the man she is waiting for from the lots that are asking for her attention.
The best approach is to ask for the chance of being her friend. This will afford both of you the rare opportunity of getting to know yourselves better. You must first get to know the person inside the image before declaring love.
Many girls, women get irritated when a man meeting them for the first time declares being in love. It can be really annoying. So do what others are not doing by offering her friendship first. It will stand you out as a very serious minded man, different from all the others.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column. I really learnt a lot from reading your answers. There is this girl I met recently and it is obvious that a lot of guys are also interested in her. I don’t know if she has decided on any particular one yet.
But one thing is that I am sure of is my love for her. I haven’t told her anything, because I don’t want to rush her into anything but I am afraid another guy may be faster than I am. Don’t know what to do or how best to approach the issue. I really love this girl. I feel ashamed asking for this kind of help, but I just have to do it.
Larry.
Dear Larry,
There is nothing to be ashamed of asking for help. It is our reason for being here.
If you don’t act fast, another smart guy will. Every girl has her highpoint. She is obviously in that season of her life when she is in hot demand. This particular fact shouldn’t intimidate you at all. It is all part of growing up and acquiring experiences.
Even if you will be turned down, go and declare your love for her. You may just be the man she is waiting for from the lots that are asking for her attention.
The best approach is to ask for the chance of being her friend. This will afford both of you the rare opportunity of getting to know yourselves better. You must first get to know the person inside the image before declaring love.
Many girls, women get irritated when a man meeting them for the first time declares being in love. It can be really annoying. So do what others are not doing by offering her friendship first. It will stand you out as a very serious minded man, different from all the others.
Good luck.
I am pregnant for my first cousin
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I need help with my situation. I grew up with my mother who after her bitter divorce from my father, decided against having anything to do with him or his family members. The result is that I know next to nothing about my father’s family.
This is to be expected because I am 28 and my mother left when I was only five years of age.
She never remarried because of the bitter experience with my father and his family members.
I naturally became her passion and reason for living. In fairness to her, she is one of the most disciplined women I know. I say this with all sense of responsibility. Till date, I cannot point to the man my mother is dating even though I know she is in a relationship. That is the amount of respect she has for my feelings.
And if she has any reason to be away, she tells me where she is and how to get her. And this is only a recent development. She says I am now old enough to understand some things about life and human nature.
Somewhere along the line, I also met and fell in love with one of the nicest men around.
Caring, devoted and articulate, I fell deeply. Without planning it, I became prergnant. Since we both wanted to get married as soon as possible, we decided to keep the pregnancy. He took me to meet his mother who instantly gave us her blessings. She spoke with my mother on the phone and they agreed on when the introduction would be as well as what they both wanted.
It was not until, on the introduction day, we discovered that my husband-to-be and I are actually first cousins. Unknown to both of us, his mother happens to be my father’s immediate elder sister.
Naturally, the ceremony couldn’t hold. The issue now is my pregnancy which is entering its fourth month.
I really don’t know what to do anymore. I want to kill myself as well as my mother whose actions caused all these for me.
If she had forgiven my father for his mistake all these years, I wouldn’t have found myself in this mess.
What do you advice? I am scared of abortions because I have been warned by my doctor during my last abortion not to attempt it again.
The whole thing is so confusing. My father too is begging both my mother and I to forgive him; that he has since realised his mistakes and have been looking everywhere for both of us.
Everything is so confusing, Agatha. If I have this baby, will I ever be able to love it? Will the baby not be constant reminder of a shame I want to put in my past? And what do I tell the baby in future about its paternity?
Please help me.
Fatima.
Dear Fatima,
It is very dicey. But first things first, there is the need for the entire family to urgently meet and decide on the pregnancy. Every second counts. Being your first cousin, there is no way both of you can get married but the family has to take a decision on the baby.
Sad as this may sound, you really don’t have a choice but to keep it if medical opinions say it is dangerous for you to go through the process of abortion. For now, your life is what counts, not what people would say or the fact of history that you are pregnant for your first cousin.
Nothing or situation is more important than your life. Just bear in mind that you won’t be the first woman to find yourself in this kind of situation neither would you be the last.
Stranger things have been known to happen to people in life. Besides, what happened wasn’t of your own making. It is so painful that you are being made to pay for the bitterness and pains of your parents.
Nothing you say or do now can erase the past. The past and future is what you now face.
Although in Nigeria, our culture doesn’t support giving baby up adoption, still you can have the baby and leave it with your mother to care for while you pursue your own life.
There is always a better life waiting at the end of every painful mistake or situation. At the time you both conceived the baby, you were in love so the baby cannot be a product of a shameful act. You had every intention to marry the father, of giving it a legitimate life. If you see the baby as your joy, you will never regret having it. But if you allow the environment and people to dictate how you treat your baby, you will never have the right kind of love to give it.
Even if the law sees it as out of place, at this point, it is too late to do anything about it.
The heart of a mother is a loving one. Give your baby that side of your heart. Regard your cousin as any other man. Remember, you didn’t grow up within the family. For almost three decades, you knew nothing about them; only got to know them some few weeks ago.
They have never been part of your life so no one, including your child can blame you or call you names.
Frankly, you are blameless in all these.
Your parents and your father’s family are to blame. Had your father or his family taken the ideal step of looking for you irrespective of what happened between their son and your mother, you would have known that the man in your life is related to you.
Worrying about what you would tell your child in the future isn’t the immediate concern. Time will take care of that. As long as the child is given all the love needed to be secured in life, the circumstances of the birth won’t do much damage to your relationship as the mother.
Besides, no matter how bad a situation is, there is always a positive side. At least, you are meeting your lost father after all these years. That he is begging you and your mother for forgiveness underscores his need of you and your mother. So why burden yourself with trading blames? You don’t need that negative emotions now. From your account, your mother, she is a very responsible woman. Unforgiving but responsible. As you grow up in life and experiences you will come to know that certain pains never go away.
Fortunately, our God doesn’t do things without a reason. Something tells me this drama may not end in pains and sorrow for you.
Learn to trust in God the more. Don’t worry about what you on your own, cannot change rather, turn it over to Him, who has the power to erase our mistakes.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I need help with my situation. I grew up with my mother who after her bitter divorce from my father, decided against having anything to do with him or his family members. The result is that I know next to nothing about my father’s family.
This is to be expected because I am 28 and my mother left when I was only five years of age.
She never remarried because of the bitter experience with my father and his family members.
I naturally became her passion and reason for living. In fairness to her, she is one of the most disciplined women I know. I say this with all sense of responsibility. Till date, I cannot point to the man my mother is dating even though I know she is in a relationship. That is the amount of respect she has for my feelings.
And if she has any reason to be away, she tells me where she is and how to get her. And this is only a recent development. She says I am now old enough to understand some things about life and human nature.
Somewhere along the line, I also met and fell in love with one of the nicest men around.
Caring, devoted and articulate, I fell deeply. Without planning it, I became prergnant. Since we both wanted to get married as soon as possible, we decided to keep the pregnancy. He took me to meet his mother who instantly gave us her blessings. She spoke with my mother on the phone and they agreed on when the introduction would be as well as what they both wanted.
It was not until, on the introduction day, we discovered that my husband-to-be and I are actually first cousins. Unknown to both of us, his mother happens to be my father’s immediate elder sister.
Naturally, the ceremony couldn’t hold. The issue now is my pregnancy which is entering its fourth month.
I really don’t know what to do anymore. I want to kill myself as well as my mother whose actions caused all these for me.
If she had forgiven my father for his mistake all these years, I wouldn’t have found myself in this mess.
What do you advice? I am scared of abortions because I have been warned by my doctor during my last abortion not to attempt it again.
The whole thing is so confusing. My father too is begging both my mother and I to forgive him; that he has since realised his mistakes and have been looking everywhere for both of us.
Everything is so confusing, Agatha. If I have this baby, will I ever be able to love it? Will the baby not be constant reminder of a shame I want to put in my past? And what do I tell the baby in future about its paternity?
Please help me.
Fatima.
Dear Fatima,
It is very dicey. But first things first, there is the need for the entire family to urgently meet and decide on the pregnancy. Every second counts. Being your first cousin, there is no way both of you can get married but the family has to take a decision on the baby.
Sad as this may sound, you really don’t have a choice but to keep it if medical opinions say it is dangerous for you to go through the process of abortion. For now, your life is what counts, not what people would say or the fact of history that you are pregnant for your first cousin.
Nothing or situation is more important than your life. Just bear in mind that you won’t be the first woman to find yourself in this kind of situation neither would you be the last.
Stranger things have been known to happen to people in life. Besides, what happened wasn’t of your own making. It is so painful that you are being made to pay for the bitterness and pains of your parents.
Nothing you say or do now can erase the past. The past and future is what you now face.
Although in Nigeria, our culture doesn’t support giving baby up adoption, still you can have the baby and leave it with your mother to care for while you pursue your own life.
There is always a better life waiting at the end of every painful mistake or situation. At the time you both conceived the baby, you were in love so the baby cannot be a product of a shameful act. You had every intention to marry the father, of giving it a legitimate life. If you see the baby as your joy, you will never regret having it. But if you allow the environment and people to dictate how you treat your baby, you will never have the right kind of love to give it.
Even if the law sees it as out of place, at this point, it is too late to do anything about it.
The heart of a mother is a loving one. Give your baby that side of your heart. Regard your cousin as any other man. Remember, you didn’t grow up within the family. For almost three decades, you knew nothing about them; only got to know them some few weeks ago.
They have never been part of your life so no one, including your child can blame you or call you names.
Frankly, you are blameless in all these.
Your parents and your father’s family are to blame. Had your father or his family taken the ideal step of looking for you irrespective of what happened between their son and your mother, you would have known that the man in your life is related to you.
Worrying about what you would tell your child in the future isn’t the immediate concern. Time will take care of that. As long as the child is given all the love needed to be secured in life, the circumstances of the birth won’t do much damage to your relationship as the mother.
Besides, no matter how bad a situation is, there is always a positive side. At least, you are meeting your lost father after all these years. That he is begging you and your mother for forgiveness underscores his need of you and your mother. So why burden yourself with trading blames? You don’t need that negative emotions now. From your account, your mother, she is a very responsible woman. Unforgiving but responsible. As you grow up in life and experiences you will come to know that certain pains never go away.
Fortunately, our God doesn’t do things without a reason. Something tells me this drama may not end in pains and sorrow for you.
Learn to trust in God the more. Don’t worry about what you on your own, cannot change rather, turn it over to Him, who has the power to erase our mistakes.
Good luck.
Men confuse me
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 20 years of age. My problem is that I find it difficult to make up my mind about boys coming to me for a relationship.
Agatha, how do I know a particular man is good for me. It is really affecting me.
Please help me.
Confused Girl.
Dear Confused Girl,
At your age, it is natural to feel confused about requests from both boys and men. This has to do with the fact that you really havent given a thought to what you want from life.
At this stage, your only concern is to be the centre of attraction of men. It goes beyond being the toast of men to knowing what you want from life. At every stage in your life as a woman, you need first to plan your life, have a focus and situate your dream along side the kind of men coming your way.
Without this, there is no knowing how a particular man can help you grow or perish your dream.
Therefore, the first thing is to have a clear picture of who you are. Once you know the things that are most important to you in life, you will be able to recognise that special quality in a man that will measure up to your needs in life.
For every man that comes your way, look out for the one who has your interest at heart. By interest, I don’t mean in your body but your mind, well-being and dreams.
More than anything else, a man must appreciate that you have a dream separate from his, the kind that enables you to perform and function in your full capacity first as a human being.
Any man who doesn’t appreciate your essential quality, as an individual, will never be able to give you the kind of respect and happiness that enhances a relationship.
But, this kind of quality isn’t what you see at first contact. Therefore you must train yourself to look beyond what he looks like, how rich or poor or his social status.
A lot of things can really go wrong in a relationship or in the life of a person if paired with the wrong person or for the wrong reasons.
Every relationship has a potential provided those in it know what they are doing.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am 20 years of age. My problem is that I find it difficult to make up my mind about boys coming to me for a relationship.
Agatha, how do I know a particular man is good for me. It is really affecting me.
Please help me.
Confused Girl.
Dear Confused Girl,
At your age, it is natural to feel confused about requests from both boys and men. This has to do with the fact that you really havent given a thought to what you want from life.
At this stage, your only concern is to be the centre of attraction of men. It goes beyond being the toast of men to knowing what you want from life. At every stage in your life as a woman, you need first to plan your life, have a focus and situate your dream along side the kind of men coming your way.
Without this, there is no knowing how a particular man can help you grow or perish your dream.
Therefore, the first thing is to have a clear picture of who you are. Once you know the things that are most important to you in life, you will be able to recognise that special quality in a man that will measure up to your needs in life.
For every man that comes your way, look out for the one who has your interest at heart. By interest, I don’t mean in your body but your mind, well-being and dreams.
More than anything else, a man must appreciate that you have a dream separate from his, the kind that enables you to perform and function in your full capacity first as a human being.
Any man who doesn’t appreciate your essential quality, as an individual, will never be able to give you the kind of respect and happiness that enhances a relationship.
But, this kind of quality isn’t what you see at first contact. Therefore you must train yourself to look beyond what he looks like, how rich or poor or his social status.
A lot of things can really go wrong in a relationship or in the life of a person if paired with the wrong person or for the wrong reasons.
Every relationship has a potential provided those in it know what they are doing.
Good luck.
Can she faithfully stay married?
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
For the past four years, I’ve been an ardent reader of your column and I draw lessons from your wise counsels.
I trust that you will be of help to me. I am 30, met this girl November last year. I know I love her enough to make her my wife.
Her love is not also in doubt as she has been so caring and supportive morally and financially. I don’t have parents and currently on my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC).
I am skillful and industrious, but my problem now is to raise the money for marriage rites as she is also about going for her youth service.
I am determined to do this before she leaves for her service year, because I don’t want to lose her. She is used to a life of luxury provided by various men. She opted for this kind of lifestyle as a result of the many disappointments she encountered in relationships she invested her heart and resources in.
Agatha, do you think she can change completely and become a faithful wife? For now, she is showing positive signs and my people love her.
Please what do you advise?
Didi.
Dear Didi,
There is nobody that cannot change for good. Many a time, we are what we are as results of our experiences, challenges and the kind of environments we find ourselves. It also comes from the kinds of people and advice we get when we are confronted by problems.
The only thing you need to be sure she is going to stay faithful to you is her determination; which is the fuel every quest for change needs to make real.
Telling you her past is to explain why she is who she has become as well as a silent plea for you to treat her well.
If she liked her former lifestyle, she won’t tell you anything about this past or even agree to give you the kind of support she has been giving you. That itself speaks volume of her kind of person. Given the right kind of attention and care, she has what it takes to support a man to success.
Not every woman who has suffered multiple emotional disappointments like her would willingly give her money and heart to any man. Most women who suffer her kind of emotional disappointments end up becoming bitter and out on a revenge mission against any man that come their way.
That she is able to recover and trust in love again should make you comfortable around her. It shows that she has some positive qualities wise men look out for in a woman.
Rather than waste time nurturing fears about her, devote time to reassuring her of your love and sincerity of purpose. Every relationship needs plenty dose of trust to overcome the concomitant challenges of two people coming together to make a life and home.
You cannot move this relationship forward or stretch it to its full potentials if you don’t delete from your mind her past life. To continue to dwell on the possibility of her going back to her past life is to dwarf the growth of your relationship.
However, this isn’t to say you cannot discuss your fears with her. By all means sit her down to share your apprehension for the future. But make it clear that your concern comes from fear of losing the one you have discovered is priceless to you.
In reality, she is the one that should be nursing fears about you. She is not only taking a risk giving her heart to you, but also taking a chance with her money.
She is doing this because to an extent she knows that your love for her is real, not based on what you can get from her.
All you need is her assurance that she is yours. Even if you find the money to perform some sorts of marital rites on her, she still won’t stay if her mind isn’t made up about you.
Every relationship needs breathing space to avoid chocking. She needs freedom to give you her best; evolve to the kind of woman that will give you complete happiness. Your kind of woman will only emerge if you have the confidence required to make her give to you unconditionally.
Insisting you want to perform some marriage rites before she goes for her national youth service is telling her that you don’t trust her. Honestly, if you don’t make the efforts to allow her past remain exactly there, you will be sending out wrong signals to her by your actions.
Besides, as a man, you need to establish yourself before thinking of marriage. This is what would give you the respect and authority of the man in the house. That she supported you while in school doesn’t mean it is something you must continue to allow her to do.
To do that is to set a pattern in your marriage that you will later regret. The dignity of every man is in his ability to provide for the home. Even if she is to support you, you as the man must take the lead.
Above and beyond, marriage requires more planning and attention you are giving to it. As a man the act shouldn’t not come before the planning. If you struggle to get the money to finance the ceremony, what about the logistic of where you and your wife would stay, and eat? Are you going to feed her on love only?
The real threat to your relationship won’t come from her past, but from your failure to put the right structures in place first.
For now be contented with her attempts to change for good. Your major concern now should be how you would take the lead in the relationship.
You say you are industrious and skilled. What are your plans to become self-sufficient? Do you plan to work for someone or establish your own business? This is the time you have to make all the plans for your financial comfort later in life.
If she happens to get pregnant now, how do you intend to fend for her and the baby given the fact that you are finding it difficult to raise money for the cheapest task of getting married? The expense of fending for a child doesn’t come cheap because babies want to be fed when hungry, changed when diapers are wet or soiled, given the right clothes to wear when the whether demands of it. Babies are very insensitive to hunger and any form of management. What more, not all babies come as planned. Some just come even when every precaution has been taken to prevent their arrival. Do you have plans or resources to attend to this kind of human being?
No mother, no matter how deeply in love with her husband can withstand the hunger or discomfort of her child. Once this kind of situation comes up, a mother not only becomes angry with her man but also ready to do anything to make her child comfortable.
Sincerely, this is why every man must first pay special attention to economic viability when considering marriage than emotional reasoning. Every marriage needs some level of comfort, no matter how minute to be happy.
Towards this end, work towards a financial base that will give you some comfort and respect first as a man.
As long as you are truthful with her regarding your plans, you have no reason to be afraid.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
For the past four years, I’ve been an ardent reader of your column and I draw lessons from your wise counsels.
I trust that you will be of help to me. I am 30, met this girl November last year. I know I love her enough to make her my wife.
Her love is not also in doubt as she has been so caring and supportive morally and financially. I don’t have parents and currently on my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC).
I am skillful and industrious, but my problem now is to raise the money for marriage rites as she is also about going for her youth service.
I am determined to do this before she leaves for her service year, because I don’t want to lose her. She is used to a life of luxury provided by various men. She opted for this kind of lifestyle as a result of the many disappointments she encountered in relationships she invested her heart and resources in.
Agatha, do you think she can change completely and become a faithful wife? For now, she is showing positive signs and my people love her.
Please what do you advise?
Didi.
Dear Didi,
There is nobody that cannot change for good. Many a time, we are what we are as results of our experiences, challenges and the kind of environments we find ourselves. It also comes from the kinds of people and advice we get when we are confronted by problems.
The only thing you need to be sure she is going to stay faithful to you is her determination; which is the fuel every quest for change needs to make real.
Telling you her past is to explain why she is who she has become as well as a silent plea for you to treat her well.
If she liked her former lifestyle, she won’t tell you anything about this past or even agree to give you the kind of support she has been giving you. That itself speaks volume of her kind of person. Given the right kind of attention and care, she has what it takes to support a man to success.
Not every woman who has suffered multiple emotional disappointments like her would willingly give her money and heart to any man. Most women who suffer her kind of emotional disappointments end up becoming bitter and out on a revenge mission against any man that come their way.
That she is able to recover and trust in love again should make you comfortable around her. It shows that she has some positive qualities wise men look out for in a woman.
Rather than waste time nurturing fears about her, devote time to reassuring her of your love and sincerity of purpose. Every relationship needs plenty dose of trust to overcome the concomitant challenges of two people coming together to make a life and home.
You cannot move this relationship forward or stretch it to its full potentials if you don’t delete from your mind her past life. To continue to dwell on the possibility of her going back to her past life is to dwarf the growth of your relationship.
However, this isn’t to say you cannot discuss your fears with her. By all means sit her down to share your apprehension for the future. But make it clear that your concern comes from fear of losing the one you have discovered is priceless to you.
In reality, she is the one that should be nursing fears about you. She is not only taking a risk giving her heart to you, but also taking a chance with her money.
She is doing this because to an extent she knows that your love for her is real, not based on what you can get from her.
All you need is her assurance that she is yours. Even if you find the money to perform some sorts of marital rites on her, she still won’t stay if her mind isn’t made up about you.
Every relationship needs breathing space to avoid chocking. She needs freedom to give you her best; evolve to the kind of woman that will give you complete happiness. Your kind of woman will only emerge if you have the confidence required to make her give to you unconditionally.
Insisting you want to perform some marriage rites before she goes for her national youth service is telling her that you don’t trust her. Honestly, if you don’t make the efforts to allow her past remain exactly there, you will be sending out wrong signals to her by your actions.
Besides, as a man, you need to establish yourself before thinking of marriage. This is what would give you the respect and authority of the man in the house. That she supported you while in school doesn’t mean it is something you must continue to allow her to do.
To do that is to set a pattern in your marriage that you will later regret. The dignity of every man is in his ability to provide for the home. Even if she is to support you, you as the man must take the lead.
Above and beyond, marriage requires more planning and attention you are giving to it. As a man the act shouldn’t not come before the planning. If you struggle to get the money to finance the ceremony, what about the logistic of where you and your wife would stay, and eat? Are you going to feed her on love only?
The real threat to your relationship won’t come from her past, but from your failure to put the right structures in place first.
For now be contented with her attempts to change for good. Your major concern now should be how you would take the lead in the relationship.
You say you are industrious and skilled. What are your plans to become self-sufficient? Do you plan to work for someone or establish your own business? This is the time you have to make all the plans for your financial comfort later in life.
If she happens to get pregnant now, how do you intend to fend for her and the baby given the fact that you are finding it difficult to raise money for the cheapest task of getting married? The expense of fending for a child doesn’t come cheap because babies want to be fed when hungry, changed when diapers are wet or soiled, given the right clothes to wear when the whether demands of it. Babies are very insensitive to hunger and any form of management. What more, not all babies come as planned. Some just come even when every precaution has been taken to prevent their arrival. Do you have plans or resources to attend to this kind of human being?
No mother, no matter how deeply in love with her husband can withstand the hunger or discomfort of her child. Once this kind of situation comes up, a mother not only becomes angry with her man but also ready to do anything to make her child comfortable.
Sincerely, this is why every man must first pay special attention to economic viability when considering marriage than emotional reasoning. Every marriage needs some level of comfort, no matter how minute to be happy.
Towards this end, work towards a financial base that will give you some comfort and respect first as a man.
As long as you are truthful with her regarding your plans, you have no reason to be afraid.
Good luck.
Should our love relations end now?
Agatha Edo, 08054500526 e-mail: gataedo@yahoo.com
Dear Agatha,
May the Almighty God give you more wisdom for the good work you are doing.
I am 28 years of age while my girlfriend is 21. We have been together for a year and four months and we are very much in love with each other. Although we are from the same state, live in the same state, we live in different towns.
I only get to see her at weekends when she either comes to visit me or I go to her. I practically know all her friends including those ones that live off campus.
We have been very happy together until recently when I went to visit her and met a female friend in her room at 9:30 p.m.
After staying a while, I left the room and she quickly followed me. Outside she told me her friend would be passing the night in her room. Since I came to be with her, I was irritated by this information and told her the arrangement did not go down well with me since it would prevent any privacy between us.
To underscore my annoyance, I told her I would be going back to town since my aim of coming was defeated. She thought I was bluffing since it was already too late for me to get any vehicle back to town.
Agatha, I had to pass the night at the Police Station since there was no vehicle back to town and no other place I could go that night.
She called later to find out where I was and became very angry when I told her of my decision to take shelter at a Police Station when I couldn’t get any vehicle back to town.
When I called her the next day from my house to tell her I had got home, she told me to return all her pictures and other items with me. I was very disappointment by her reactions but I still went to her but without the pictures.
In response to my query, she said she said those things out of annoyance for my decision to sleep at the Police Station leaving her and her friend in the house. We were however able to settle the disagreement.
Agatha, from what I have narrated, who was at fault? Let assume for the sake argument I was wrong, is that enough reason for her to demand I return her pictures and other items with me?
I love this girl so much, but how can I be sure this will not repeat itself in future if I do anything wrong? Advise me whether to quit or what measures I should take because I would not want to regret my action in future.
I am so confused please help me.
Law.
Dear Law,
You are both guilty of immaturity. Even if she didn’t discuss the need for her friend to pass the night at her place with you, you still should have handled the matter with maturity.
Social courtesy demanded you listened to her explanation and reasoned it out with her. Yes, you came to be with her but what harm would have resulted in you accommodating the friend of your girlfriend that night? You acted selfishly and unreasonably by walking out on them. It didn’t present you to her or the friend as a reasonable man or one who is friendly.
Even if you came to have sex with your girlfriend, that one-night abstinence wouldn’t have caused you any major harm.
Besides, it was foolhardy of you to have left in the middle of the night all because you couldn’t have your way of spending the night with your girlfriend. What if something terrible had happened? What would be your excuse? That you died a needless death because of sex?
Agreed she was wrong to have taken the decision to shelter her friend that night without consulting you first, more so, as she was expecting you that day, you didn’t have to leave if for nothing, for the sake of your safety.
A lot of things could have gone wrong and she would easily have become the prime suspect of people who are in the know that you went to visit her.
No amount of provocation is worth compromising one’s life for.
Again, love means sharing. If you love her, you would also consider her feelings. How do you expect her or that friend to feel when you walked out on them?
To be candid, your attitude was embarrassing and full of provocations. Even if you didn’t mean to, you made her feel the only thing you were interested in her was sex.
Your decision to sleep in the Police Station instead of her room and her friend in safety of her room may have made her so angry and loathsome of you. Her reactions were perfectly normal but asking you to return her pictures and other things with her were childish.
But that doesn’t mean she loves you less. It is just her way of showing disapproval.
From what has happened, it is obvious you both still have a long way to go. Your relationship is obviously deficient in so many things. Love doesn’t form simply by expressing it through the words of the mouth alone. It is something you both must devote all your energy and time to make it work. You both must resolve to take this relationship out of the bedroom into the open air where it would be possible for you to each learn what makes the other tick. You have to study your tolerance levels, your ideals, understand your need of each other beyond the thrills of sex, know how to become friends with each other as well as appreciating the uniqueness that make you both different from everybody else. Love is a huge willingness to sacrifice yourself for your partner.
Unless you devote time to know the real and important sides of each other, this relationship may not last because values you both need to succeed as an item are still missing.
Importantly, you should pray for wisdom and maturity to be able to govern your home successfully.
Good luck
Dear Agatha,
May the Almighty God give you more wisdom for the good work you are doing.
I am 28 years of age while my girlfriend is 21. We have been together for a year and four months and we are very much in love with each other. Although we are from the same state, live in the same state, we live in different towns.
I only get to see her at weekends when she either comes to visit me or I go to her. I practically know all her friends including those ones that live off campus.
We have been very happy together until recently when I went to visit her and met a female friend in her room at 9:30 p.m.
After staying a while, I left the room and she quickly followed me. Outside she told me her friend would be passing the night in her room. Since I came to be with her, I was irritated by this information and told her the arrangement did not go down well with me since it would prevent any privacy between us.
To underscore my annoyance, I told her I would be going back to town since my aim of coming was defeated. She thought I was bluffing since it was already too late for me to get any vehicle back to town.
Agatha, I had to pass the night at the Police Station since there was no vehicle back to town and no other place I could go that night.
She called later to find out where I was and became very angry when I told her of my decision to take shelter at a Police Station when I couldn’t get any vehicle back to town.
When I called her the next day from my house to tell her I had got home, she told me to return all her pictures and other items with me. I was very disappointment by her reactions but I still went to her but without the pictures.
In response to my query, she said she said those things out of annoyance for my decision to sleep at the Police Station leaving her and her friend in the house. We were however able to settle the disagreement.
Agatha, from what I have narrated, who was at fault? Let assume for the sake argument I was wrong, is that enough reason for her to demand I return her pictures and other items with me?
I love this girl so much, but how can I be sure this will not repeat itself in future if I do anything wrong? Advise me whether to quit or what measures I should take because I would not want to regret my action in future.
I am so confused please help me.
Law.
Dear Law,
You are both guilty of immaturity. Even if she didn’t discuss the need for her friend to pass the night at her place with you, you still should have handled the matter with maturity.
Social courtesy demanded you listened to her explanation and reasoned it out with her. Yes, you came to be with her but what harm would have resulted in you accommodating the friend of your girlfriend that night? You acted selfishly and unreasonably by walking out on them. It didn’t present you to her or the friend as a reasonable man or one who is friendly.
Even if you came to have sex with your girlfriend, that one-night abstinence wouldn’t have caused you any major harm.
Besides, it was foolhardy of you to have left in the middle of the night all because you couldn’t have your way of spending the night with your girlfriend. What if something terrible had happened? What would be your excuse? That you died a needless death because of sex?
Agreed she was wrong to have taken the decision to shelter her friend that night without consulting you first, more so, as she was expecting you that day, you didn’t have to leave if for nothing, for the sake of your safety.
A lot of things could have gone wrong and she would easily have become the prime suspect of people who are in the know that you went to visit her.
No amount of provocation is worth compromising one’s life for.
Again, love means sharing. If you love her, you would also consider her feelings. How do you expect her or that friend to feel when you walked out on them?
To be candid, your attitude was embarrassing and full of provocations. Even if you didn’t mean to, you made her feel the only thing you were interested in her was sex.
Your decision to sleep in the Police Station instead of her room and her friend in safety of her room may have made her so angry and loathsome of you. Her reactions were perfectly normal but asking you to return her pictures and other things with her were childish.
But that doesn’t mean she loves you less. It is just her way of showing disapproval.
From what has happened, it is obvious you both still have a long way to go. Your relationship is obviously deficient in so many things. Love doesn’t form simply by expressing it through the words of the mouth alone. It is something you both must devote all your energy and time to make it work. You both must resolve to take this relationship out of the bedroom into the open air where it would be possible for you to each learn what makes the other tick. You have to study your tolerance levels, your ideals, understand your need of each other beyond the thrills of sex, know how to become friends with each other as well as appreciating the uniqueness that make you both different from everybody else. Love is a huge willingness to sacrifice yourself for your partner.
Unless you devote time to know the real and important sides of each other, this relationship may not last because values you both need to succeed as an item are still missing.
Importantly, you should pray for wisdom and maturity to be able to govern your home successfully.
Good luck
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