Dear Agatha,
Thanks for the help you have been rendering to many souls.
Please, there is this problem I am facing now, and it is really weighing me down.
I went into a relationship when I was 18 years of age in my final year in secondary school. Although I promised myself that I will not indulge in any sexual relationship until I finished my secondary education. Along the line I went into another relationship with a man of 24 years.
It was very unfortunate, because I lost my virginity to him. He really cared a lot for me, but a married man. I honestly didn’t know about this when we started. Since then, I refused calling him or picking his calls for that matter. This has created a deep wound in my heart, losing my pride as a woman to a married man. The experience has made me very weary about relationships. Since then, none of my relationships has lasted beyond five months, because I am always on the look out for faults due to fear of preventing what happened to me the last time.
When I confronted him about his marital status and why he didn’t tell me, he said he didn’t want to hurt me, and that he didn’t know I was a virgin until he we made love. Please, I sincerely need your advice on what to do about this situation.
Confused Girl.
Dear Confused Girl,
Pick up the pieces of your life and move on. There is no point wasting too much time on a situation you cannot redeem. Your virginity is gone you have slept with him. These are irredeemable facts, ones you cannot delete from your history again. It is a pity, but a fact of life, one that many women have had to deal with one time or the other.
Just accept the fact that you gambled, and lost it. Chances are if you don’t get a firm control of yourself now, you end up being so miserable as you would be unable to trust any man again in your bid to prevent what happened to you before.
Trust me, holding on to the memory isn’t the best way to heal yourself of the wound. Yes, keep the lesson, but allow the memories of it all to die else you would end up doing extreme things in the process of getting your own back.
Though he chanced on your innocence, experienced women and men have also fallen for such deceptions; so don’t go about blaming yourself needlessly. The man has since moved on with his life, so do the sensible thing of moving on with yours too.
From this experience, you now know having sex with a man should be the last thing for any woman, not the first thing especially young girls who lack the experience to discern when a man is real or fake.
You are lucky the damage didn’t go beyond that, what would have happened had you gotten pregnant or contacted a disease from him? These are possibilities that could have happened to you, which could have cost you your future.
Since there is no teacher like experience, you now know what to avoid and what to investigate in a man before going into a relationship with him. It is important you don’t lose the lesson of this experience, because that is where your own happiness lies. From now, concentrate on friendship with a man, not on having sex. Once you are friends with a man, who really cares about your mind and welfare, and not just your body, you will recover from the pains of the past.
In life, it helps a great deal to take responsibility for your actions. By hurting these new men, you are refusing to admit to your own mistake, putting all the blame on the man alone. Granted, he lied to you, but you could have refused to give him your body, which makes you also liable in the whole process that led to you losing your virginity. Truth is that you wanted the sex as much as he did, so the decision to give him your pride as a woman was one you decided on principally. Even if he weren’t married, it still wouldn’t have been right for you to have given your body to him without first putting the important structures into your relationship.
Like I said earlier you would be the one to suffer the most if you continue to pursue your current fault finding mission in any relationship you go. You either end up very frustrated, lonely and unhappy or break the bounds of caution all of which would end up affecting you negatively in the end.
Don’t give up your happiness on the basis of one mistake you made when you were weak. Life is about falling and rising again.
That you lost your virginity does not stop you from being responsible. There are several ways for you to earn that title for yourself. The most important is learning to be an effective gatekeeper of your body by being firm and principled.
If you give time the opportunity, you will overcome this moment and be happy again. Give God the chance to make it happen by going to him in prayers and pleading for forgiveness as well as help to make your dreams for yourself come true.
Good luck.
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