She Denies Double Dating But…

Dear Agatha,
The problem I am about to share with you started last year when I went for National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) in Northern part of Nigeria.  While there I met a lady I fell in love with. We actually agreed to get married. 

Sometime last year, she left for Lagos where she actually lives. Almost immediately, I began to hear uncomplimentary stories about her. There were rumours that she keeps the company of a particular man and that they are always seen close to the house. 

Initially, I doubted the stories thinking they are malicious and intended to break us. 

But my initial confidence in her began to wane when she began to make some inexplicable visits to places I don’t know. 

For instance, in December last year, she travelled on the 23rd and didn’t return until January 3, 2010. When I asked where she went, she told me she went to visit her mother’s brother in Yola. 

Another time, she left for a nearby village. She came back with a very glamorous hairstyle decorated with very expensive beads. When I asked how she got the money for such expensive hairstyle, she said she did some jobs while there. 

In the same January, I saw her with the same man I have been told she is having affair with through the window of my room discussing. She came back when she noticed I have come back home. Since I wasn’t sure of what it was they were discussing or the nature of his visit, I pretended as if I didn’t see anything and went out again of the house. 

I went to stay in a place that gave me a good view of the house. Almost immediately I left she went back to the house behind my window where I earlier viewed both of them discussing. I waited for five hours before she came out of the house. Five minutes after the man left the place also.

When I asked where she has been throughout the time she was out, she told me she went somewhere with her brother. At that point, I had no option but to confront her with what I saw. Almost instantly, her story changed that she actually went into the house I saw her go into but that nothing happened between her and the man. She said she only went in there to discuss with the man and denied having anything sexual to do with the man. 

Agatha, she has kept denying having an affair with this man and each time she says it, there are tears in her eyes. Do you think she is innocent? Can I still trust her? I don’t want to make mistake, please advise me.
Maxwell.  

Dear Maxwell, 

You are the one close to her, what do you think? Do you think she actually spent five hours with a man in a closed room just discussing without sleeping with him? What was so important about the nature of their discussion that couldn’t have been discussed in your house with you in attendance or in the open where other people can witness what they are doing?

For them to have discussed for five hours underscored the seriousness of the issue at stake, shouldn’t she have first consulted, gotten your consent on the issue before going to see him in a closed room?

Who is this man to her? Why did she lie at first that she went out with her brother? What efforts has she made to introduce you to the man? Why is the man constantly around her? Why do people think they are actually having an affair? These are questions begging for answers from her. This is not a matter of you not wanting to make a mistake, but rather of you facing the reality of the messy situation you found yourself. 

Trust isn’t an abstract thing. It grows from circumstances we daily go through. If this woman claims to be innocent of what the rumours going on about her and this man; as well as what you witnessed, then she has to do a lot more than tears in her eyes to clear up the maze of confusion, suspicions and embarrassments her conduct with this man have created in your life. 

Deep down, what do you think? If you want to be very honest with yourself, do you think she is telling you the truth or simply playing you for a fool? 

Yes, a man and woman can have healthy platonic relationship but not one that leaves so many gaps like hers with this man. Why would a woman you are in a relationship with leave the house without telling you where she is going? Go on vacations without you knowing where precisely or come back to announce she went to work? When she was leaving for the visit, did she tell you it would include her working? What sort of job did she do while there and why did she do it?

The point is that you are not in charge of the woman you are in a relationship with. You are either afraid to face the truth about the kind of situation you are in or don’t even know what you have gotten yourself into. Even if she isn’t having an affair with this man she has created the suspicions she must work first at clearing before you can even talk of not wanting to make a mistake. 

It is either you are man enough to ask her pressing questions, what precisely is her occupation as well as her feelings for you. A woman that shows no scruple leaving her home for five hours to ‘discuss’ with another man in a private room shows a total lack of respect for your person. If you were the one dancing around a woman, goes off without her knowing where your destination is, how would she feel? 

While you have every right to love her and try to make the relationship work, be mindful of the kind of future you have in mind with her. You may think it is a situation you can cope with but it is always a different game when it comes to marriage. 

Frankly, sit her down for a thorough discussion. Ask her how she feels about the reputation she is acquiring for herself through her kind of lifestyle. Chances are that there are so many things she isn’t telling you about her feelings for you and that what you think you both have going on only exists in the figment of your imagination. 

Also what do you know about this woman? Are you sure you know enough about her to make you a good wife?

Marriage isn’t a simple thing. It is too complex and complicated for you to treat with such levity. 

Don’t short-change yourself if you have the power to bargain for something more positive for yourself now. Sometimes it takes more than love to make a marriage work. Love needs good character, respect and responsibility to make it work well. You don’t hold on too tightly to something out of fear it will go. If this woman isn’t yours, no matter how much you try to look the other way, she will definitely go. So stop worrying over a situation you cannot control that is firmly in the hands of God the creator who sees the end from the beginning. 

Good luck. 

Re:What Makes Moral Bankrupts Better Wives?

Dear Agatha,
Before going straight to the point I want to thank you for sharing what you have with anyone willing to learn. Apart from your obvious high level of education, you are clearly gifted in counselling. May God reward you for your selfless service?
I read your column of June 24, 2010; your response to the 33-year old lady who kept her virginity till she was 30, and was jilted by a man whom she said claimed to be born-again. 

Two questions arose in my mind. The first is: how can a girl who is so chaste and disciplined, a girl that kept her virginity for 30 years indulge in sex before marriage? I think that is where the problem came from. If the man that deflowered her was married to her, he would have been more patient with her inexperience.
The second question I have is: is it possible for you to give me her e-mail address or mobile no? You can seek her consent first. I want to be friends with her. She seems decent to me, decent ladies are not easy to come by these days. I know you are not into matchmaking, I will consider this a favour. I am 35, single male from Delta State.
Thank you once again and God bless you.
Sunny.

Dear Agatha, 

I read your responses to most questions and they make real sense to me, but I think your response to this particular writing would or should have been a little more intense to the writer.
A lady who should have been married with two kids or more just started dating at 30, and even after friends have spoken to her: then dated a born-again brother who thinks she’s not good enough in bed for him!
Please allow me say this: God isn’t punishing her but she has just not gotten the right man because she is comparing her friends to herself, meanwhile understand that God’s way is never the ways of man. Forget about him saying she wasn’t good on bed, that’s not real. Let me tell you, I’m a man and any man that loves a woman enough to marry her would go out of his way to teach her how to make love. Only a man who isn’t interested in the woman would after sleeping with her make such a flimsy excuse. 
When a man complains that sex led him out of a relationship, it simply means his partner no longer attracts his interest, and that mostly comes from other reasons.
Please, she shouldn’t be misled, the guy did the right thing by making his mind known, but the lady should look closely into herself, let go of some of those hard-lined ideas of hers and learn to appreciate any man that comes her way. She should be bold enough to make her choice and ignore whatever her friends think. This is because what God has in mind for her might be something bigger on the longer run. If she refuses the goal of the small beginning she might end up missing the overall benefit. She should understand there is always a reason for every situation we find ourselves.
She must appreciate that sex in marriage differs from causal sex. Unlike permanent sex, causal sex doesn’t leave any impression making it so easy to forget. In a faithful marriage you must learn to be satisfied with what your partner has to offer. You must first be interested in the person so that your spirit could be interested in his, that’s the only way you could have long lasting happy sex in marriage. Let her check her attitude against those men who come her way.

Dear Agatha
I am a Nigerian male, a Christian, and currently resident in the UK. I log onto the Nigeriaword.com, website daily to read Nigerian news in an attempt to be fairly up-to-date with the goings-on in my country.
 Consequently, I have found myself reading most of the ‘Dear Agatha’ letters and your often well-thought-out replies to the problems of those who seek your advice. Your replies are always very intelligently structured, very sincere, dispassionate and meaningful so much so that I created a special folder on my pc for all the ‘Dear Agatha’ letters and their corresponding advice published in the Nigeriaworld.com daily news website.
I am not kidding you. You are a brilliant and wise lady. One can only thank God for endowing you with such intelligence and wisdom.
 After reading your reply to the letter published June 24, 2010, I was stirred by the brilliance of your response to send you this e-mail just to say you are indeed a very great mind and a very great lady too.
I am a great fan of yours.
God will bless you.

Kenny

 

Dear Agatha,

I have neither written to you nor responded to your column in a long while even when I felt compelled to. This was largely due to an inexplicable systems error when it comes to sending inputs or responses to your paper that I have now resorted to my alternative - office mail address - to maintain contact.

 Agatha, you are one person that I believe is being used by God to assist people who ordinarily will not share such issues of life with their Pastors, be it male or female for fear of sanctions and all that. Your advice, most times, are down to earth and complete and at other times, you leave some things out. A case in point is this lady that lost her virginity at the age of 30 to a “staunch believer like herself,” but got abandoned still for another who she classifies as “morally bankrupt.” She, somewhere along the line, decided to rely on herself to get “a good husband” thereby leaving out the person that knows the very end from the beginning!

The lady missed something: God’s instruction concerning marriage! If she was married to that man before he discovered that she is a virgin, she would have been married already and it would have been the issue of her having to work on her ability to satisfy a man in bed and not that of him marrying another woman immediately! At this point also, the man would have had to be patient and equally actively involved in that process!

 Like you rightly pointed out. It is true that a cross-section of our “staunch believing” sisters lack basic manners, so bad that apart from being brothers and sisters you would not want to have anything permanent to do with them, even as a believer! Some, out of lack of knowledge, just being crude and rejecting all refining ideas and all, so much that even in marriage they become a bore in bed (sex) and other aspects of married life. I’m not suggesting going against the word of God in these, but “she who wants to be loved should endeavour to herself lovable, first!” These are some of the things that work against them a lot.

Remain blessed.

Essien. 

Dear Gbemi, 

So many people have requested to have your contact address. If you are interested please resend your e-mail and phone number(s) so I can give them or publish as you may wish to have.

Agatha.

Can I Blame My Wife For Our Childlessness?

Dear Agatha,
My wife and I have been married for two years now still looking up to God for a child. We have tried all options medically and we have been certified fit and compatible by different doctors yet we have not been able to conceive.
Recently I noticed that when we have sexual intercourse my semen drips out immediately. My wife admitted that it has been happening for a long time and that she couldn’t explain to our doctor.
I want to know if this is the reason my wife have not been able to conceive and if this is a problem we should look into. I will appreciate your professional advice.
Ben.

Dear Ben, 

If the sperms fail to get to the target, there is no way conception can be possible. Your sperms have to get to her ovaries for fertilisation to occur. Since various doctors and medical tests say there is nothing wrong with both of you medically, this could be a possible reason. Of course, in addition to stress and other inexplicable reasons, she hasn’t been able to take in. 

The wise thing is for her to tell her doctor. There is no hiding the truth from the doctor. It is the only way she can get help and the problem resolved. If she is medically fit but the sperms are coming out immediately after you ejaculate, the doctors would continue to insist on what the tests say unless directed by her to another possible reasons. 

Although a doctor friend of mine I discussed the issue with says she should elevate her bottom with a pillow each time you make love. There is the urgent need for both of you to see the doctor as soon as possible. 

Good luck.