He wants me back after his mother died…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I need your help urgently. Nine years ago, my husband and his mother drove me out of the house without giving me a valid explanation for their actions. Then I was six months pregnant. This fact didn’t bother my husband at all. In addition to being pregnant, my daughter was just two years old. I didn’t know what to do because we were living then in Jos while my parents were living in Lagos. I didn’t have too many friends, so was stranded for two weeks. We were sleeping in my shop in the market. Fortunately, the market leader got to know of my plight. After listening to my story, he alongside his executive members went to plead with my husband and his mother; citing the case of my suffering child as well as my pregnancy as a reason for both of them to allow me come back home. They told him whatever my offence was he should temper justice with mercy. He didn’t tell them what I had done besides the fact that his mother found out I was a witch stealing his glory and good luck. In the presence of those who came to plead with him, he began to beat me. This action of his got them very angry. There and then, they vowed to help me. When we got to the market, they asked if I wanted to continue to stay in Jos or go back to my people. I elected to go back to my parents who were very worried about me since a friend called them to inform them of what I was facing. Through the friend, they asked me to come back home, and even sent money for my transportation. That day, my fellow traders and my customers who got wind of my plight, gathered as much as N1 million for me, paid my airfares to Lagos. They told me to begin life anew in Lagos. I cried all the way to Lagos because of their unusual gesture as well as the life I was leaving behind. When I got to Lagos, my parents who were preparing to relocate to Ibadan urged me to go with them. They were both retired and finding life in Lagos too tiresome. They wanted something quiet. They rented out their house and we all went to Ibadan. At Ibadan, they built a huge shop for me in front of the house. I not only began selling provisions but also used part of it as my factory. I was good in soap and pomade making. The instant success of my venture made up for my marital loss. I gave birth to a baby boy, the replica of the father. I didn’t hear anything from him at all. Efforts by my father who unknown to me until recently went to see him in Jos when I gave birth didn’t yield any result. His mother told my father that they are not interested in the children of a witch; by then my father said another woman was already in his house. Being their only daughter, they resisted and my elder brothers resisted my decision to rent an apartment. My parents pleaded with me to stay with them. Since our family house was big, they converted part of it to a three bedroom flat for me, to give me my privacy. I refused every attempt to match me up with any man. My children were my world. Besides, deep down, I haven’t really fallen out of love with my husband. Something kept telling me his mother was using a power beyond him to becloud his mind. Until the incident that sent me out of his house, he has always been loving and very protective of me, never seeing, eye to eye with his mother and sisters on issues concerning me. For him to have agreed to his mother’s treatment of me in my state then not only baffled me but also told me there was something very wrong. Although my parents and brothers all condemned him, I didn’t for one day. Perhaps that informed my decision to turn down every man that came my way. Sometime last week, just as I have always prayed, he, through a mutual friend got my address and came looking for me. My parents drove him away, but through that friend, we got talking on the phone. Two days later, I went to see him. I found that his mother died two weeks earlier. According to him, he realised that I wasn’t home when his mother died. It was our neighbours that told him that I have been out of his house and life for years. When he got to my shop in the market, he got to hear more of what he had done to me. The bottom line is that he has driven away the strange woman in his house with her two children and he now wants me back. Although the whole story sounds strange but I know he is telling the truth. Even my parents’ pastor, I told the story say it is true and that I should go back to him. But the problems now are my parents and siblings. How do I handle them? I love them so much, hence don’t want to do anything that will hurt them, because without them, there is no way I would have coped these past years. Besides, I have made such a great success of my business; I don’t see myself going back to live in Jos especially against the religious crisis going on there. What do I do? Taiye. Dear Taiye, Sincerely, there is no way you can do this on your own. You must involve your family in your reconciliation bid with your husband. There is no way they would easily give their consent without first being sure of what awaits you back there. Don’t forget that the issue of another woman having children for him. This is one complication you never had before. Your parents would naturally want to know how he intends to proceed from there. You may be old enough to take a decision, but you remain their daughter and sister. They were there for you all these years, and without their support you may not be alive for your husband to come to. What if they didn’t take you back when you didn’t have anywhere to go? Being pregnant and without care could have taken away your life. Even if you don’t like what they would say or do, it is their right to be involved in this process of reconciliation. Always remember they want the best for you at all times. So, listen to them; they mean well and would ultimately allow your decision at the end of the day. For this reason, you must find ways of engaging your parents in a dialogue on this issue. Thank goodness, the pastor you went to is theirs. It makes the task of getting them to see and listen to him very easy. It is a simple matter of you asking him to speak with your parents on your behalf. He is the only one that can convince them that your husband was under some sort of spiritual influences when he drove you out of the house. The fact that he came to his senses only after his mother’s died is an indication that he really might not have known all he did back then. Also, you need to be sure about his attitude to the other woman and her children. Whether he did it under spiritual influence or not, that woman has children for him. Under our legal system, spiritual matters don’t count. Find out from his family members if there was anything legal between the two of them; if he married her under our native laws and customs, she is his wife under our customary law. How are you going to cope with this woman and her children? He may be stubborn now, refusing to face reality concerning the mess his mother has made of his life, but the issue of this woman and her children cannot be swept under the carpet. They will always come between you and complete happiness in your marriage. This is the best time for you to reflect on this challenge with a view of tackling it alongside your decision to go back. Difficult as this may sound, insist on hearing what plans he has for the children of this other woman to avoid problems for your children later in life. His mother may be dead but this woman as well as her children are living, and in pure reality, they are just as capable of invoking the same powers your mother-in-law used, in getting your husband to drive you out of the house. For this reason, you must be proactive and very realistic on what you have to do. If need be, insist your husband gives them monthly allowances in addition to taking care of their education. Once he is able to do this, he gives them no reason to be overtly aggressive towards you. Although they will still complain but it won’t be to the dimension of what they would have said if nothing is being given them to survive. As for your business and preference for your current location, it is normal. Having lived here for all these years, there is no doubting the fact you feel secured in this place. Discuss with your man. Communicate your fears, dreams and reason for wanting to stay in Ibadan. Apart from the crisis in Jos, I am not also sure he would want you to return to the same house or environment that witnessed your shame as well as his. You also need the presence of God in your life to be able to make a huge success of this marriage. Get closer to God. You need Him now more than ever before. Good luck.

My husband hit below my sexual need…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have been trying so hard to resist going out of my matrimonial home to have an affair, but the truth is I am only postponing the inevitable. For the two years I have been married, my husband hasn’t been able to satisfy my sexual urge. It is so bad that I have taken to self-ministration just to maintain some emotional equilibrium in my marriage. The worst thing is that I cannot discuss the issue with him because he has the prim and proper attitude, which makes any discussion about sex prohibited. We were sexually active before we got married, but because he was always never around as a bank manager, I didn’t have reasons to complain. Besides at 38 then, I was desperate, didn’t have too many choices and thought I would be able to change him along the line. But two years into our marriage it doesn’t appear as if I can continue to cope with him. I am a full-blown woman with needs. Some friends I spoke with said, this is no longer an issue these days; that there are a dozen men willing to give me the kind of satisfaction I want. Besides, I recently ran into an old flame that appears very disposed to helping me solve this problem. However, I am scared that if I am found out, he will throw me out of the house. He can be very cruel when he wants to be but can also be very caring which is what he has been to me since we got married. He won’t hesitate to take away my baby if he has to. I was really lucky finding him when I did which is the reason I am so confused. Much as I want to keep my home, my body needs the balm of a good sex life to stay happy. Am I asking for too much? What if the man I find decides to blackmail me after? One of the men my friends found for me is actually a young man struggling to make ends meet. His job is to help me stay happy while I provide funds for him to make his life better. The money isn’t the issue since I can always get my husband to increase my housekeeping money, but what if he turns around to blackmail me for more money later? I am terrified of the implications if my husband ever finds out I haven’t just been unfaithful to him but has been using his money too to finance my affair. Please help me. Ada. Dear Ada, You can have a fulfilling sex life without having an affair or depending on self-ministration to get it right. All that is required is for you to use more of your imagination. Begin by accessing your husband’s maximum and minimum ability. Since meeting him, what has been his best so far as well as his low points? During those times he came close to your expectation, what brought on the mood? There is no way you can make him better if you don’t know how to engineer his relaxation. As a bank manager, there is no contesting the fact that stress and worries associated with keeping his job will at the end of the day affect his state of mind. If all he worries about is how to ensure he meets his target as manager as well as maintain his family, his libido will certainly be affected. Worries and sex don’t go together. A man that is always worried will never make a good lover. As his wife, you will need to do more to drag him out of his worry zone once he is with you. His performance before he married you might be better than it is now, because then, he didn’t have to add a wife and child to his worry list. Then it was just him; now he has you and the baby to think of, hence the more reason for him to put in his all to ensure he keeps his job. This is why you must use your imagination to find ways of helping him relax and appreciate your presence in his life. You have to use tact and your womanly instinct to help him function better. A lot would depend on the kind of approach you adopt. There is no way he is going to dismiss complaints about sexual satisfaction if you employ wit and open understanding in bringing up the issue. He would naturally become offended if you make it sound as if you sound critical of him as a man. No man can put up with his wife or woman telling him he isn’t man enough to make her feel like a woman. The usual conclusion would be that the woman has been messing around. The trick here is to take the lead. For now don’t give him a clue about what you feel each time he makes love to you. You will be putting him on guard and very suspicious of your motive if you say anything to him. Begin your night of seduction by cooking his favourite meal. Even if he is tough and unromantic, his choice food will do the magic. It will take him down to a time he cherishes the most; that time he made the decision to make this meal his preferred. More often than not, our favourite choices come from pleasant memories of a time past. By tapping into that, you bring back long forgotten memories of a time he was carefree, happy and without a burden. If he still has a mother, going to her, to help you gather memorials of his growing up years may do the trick. Preparing his mother’s favourite meals for him may just be what you need to gain access into his heart forever. By the time you are through with the food, using information from his mother or sibling, talk about his cherished topics; the film he liked the most when he was younger, his first date and all the wonderful things about his parents and family. Use good music to remind him of how good it is to relax. By talking to him about the past, you gradually take him to a time before his bank job as well as all the complications that go with it. By the time you are both ready to sleep, his mind will be relaxed enough to allow you take the lead. Adding an adult film the next time will further enhance your previous effort. Even for couples that have found a good harmony, they still need tits and bits of exciting new ideas to keep their nest fresh. Use your knowledge of sex to help him relax. Give him a total package of what you know; beginning from his scalp to the sole of his feet. The motive is to imprint in his mind the moment and message of love. If you are good at it, you will have succeeded in creating a new world for both of you and for him specifically. He may not have had a woman in his adult life, who has had anything to do with giving him some basic lessons on how to please a woman. As long as you are sure of what you want, and you are not shy in drawing it out of him, your love life will experience tremendous changes. Lots of men assume that pleasing a woman begins and ends with her capture. By using actions rather than words, you will be communicating your needs to him effortlessly. This method in addition to enhancing your love life, will also improve your personal relationship with your husband. A man who works as hard as your husband needs a friend and companion at home to help him unwind. Be the friend he needs. It will also help you to know him better than you currently do. If protecting his home is cruelty, then all men are so. This is no news. As a matter of fact, you are the one who is cruel in this marriage. Remember you refused to complain before marriage simply on account of your desperation to marry, so it would amount to wickedness for you to now make it an issue in your marriage to the point of contemplating using his money to fund your extra-marital affairs. Ignore all those friends that are urging you towards having an affair outside your home. At the end of the day, you will be the fool if you take to their counsel. A man willing to sleep with a married woman for money will think nothing of reporting such woman to her husband if she fails to pay him whatever fee he demands for his service. And, what makes you sure your friends are really out to help you? For all you know, they may be aiding the destruction of your home to give them access to your husband. No good friend tells her friend to engage in extra-marital affairs, so be careful with these kinds of friends. If you are wise, quietly delete them from your life. In addition, stop sharing the intimacy of you and your husband with friends. It is a habit that might get you into trouble if told to the wrong kinds of friends. Besides, if you think of the shame of being thrown out of your home if caught, you won’t even think of betraying your marital vows. Just submit everything concerning your home to God. It is essential you do this. Good luck.