Monday, March 1, 2010

At Last, He Left With His Sheer Trickery…

Dear Agatha,

I have a question, which has been agitating my mind for some time. There is this boy I dated for about six months. He was 23 while I was 18 then. We had great fun together. But we never agree on the issue of sex. Although we are both Christians, I however belief sex before marriage is wrong, but he seems to think it is ok. He lost his virginity when he was 16, but of the opinion if I did the same thing at the age he did it, he would have labelled me a girl of low moral. 

It is disgusting how he could have sex with a girl he was dating and whom he has no feelings for. He said he understood and respects the fact that I am waiting, but sometimes he would still ask questions like “what if I gave you a ring would we have sex?” Or what if I find another girl for sex, would you be ok with that? We would be physical, but not to the point of sex, which in retrospect I really regret now. So sometime in September last year, he signified his intentions to end the relationship. We stopped talking after a while, but began to speak to each other after a while. 

After a while, he wanted to know if I had gone into another relationship. I wondered why he wanted to know, but decided to ignore the question. In October we attended one of the events put together for the country independence anniversary. He was acting very cold and distant towards me, hiding to talk to other girls. We finally stopped talking for a month. I sometimes e-mail him to ask him for pictures I had left at his place. 

In November, he said he wanted to “reconnect with me” and that he missed me, so we began talking and we even talked about getting back together. 

Sometime in December we began to have problems until we stopped talking again in January. I stopped when he told me he was intimate with another girl.

At that point I told him I lost respect for him and I told him that he had no self-control. The thing about him is the fact that he would do something to upset me while he would act like nothing happened. Before then we talked about him coming for Valentine’s Day. 

At 24 he is, he still does things to please his friends, which to me is very unfortunate. We sometimes talk about marriage, but I would be a fool to think a wedding ring would automatically give him self-control. I have not talked to him since, and I don’t want to. I’m completely done with him and I’m grateful that I didn’t have sex with him. 

But I am worried if ignoring him completely is the best thing to do? Where do I look to for a Godly young man? I don’t want a repeat of that relationship. This time I want to make sure the guy is a growing Christian as I am and not a pretentious one. Please guide me towards something better, because I don’t want to settle for less.

Uwa.


Dear Uwa, 

If you have decided to end the relationship with this man, stop bothering yourself about his conduct with other women. He is no longer your business except of course you are still very interested in him. If you are, be honest enough to admit it to yourself at least.

Granted, you may not like his ways, but the fact that he was able to exercise self-control where you are concerned, didn’t pressured you into having sex with him even when you both got physically close, shows that in more ways than you know he has some measure of respect for you. It may not be enough for you, but given the fact that both of you were locked in some levels of intimacy where he could have used his strength to over-power you into submission shows the kind of respect he has for you.

You may not think him a good person because of his admission to having sex at 16 as well as his other relationships, but if you care to look deeper you would see a man who isn’t pretentious about what he beliefs in. The issue is how honest are you about your beliefs?
If you are really serious about keeping your virginity till marriage as a practising Christian, you would not allow yourself to be in a closed place with a man to the extent of allowing him get physically close to you. 

The simple truth about human nature is not in what we profess to be or how determined we are, but the application of wisdom, of knowing the pitfalls to avoid when it comes to the issue of sex. The human flesh is known to be treacherous, sometimes blind to our beliefs and the nature of our relationship to each other. It is for this reason you must at all times look at this boy who must have denied himself a great deal during the moments he held you close to his body with some level of respect. That you didn’t have sex with him isn’t because you wanted it that way, no! You didn’t because he also exercised some level control with you. When a woman allows herself to be touched in some places by a man behind closed doors, it takes the grace of God, for something not to happen. 

To avoid regrets later in life, be sure you know what you are looking for in a man and relationship before going into another one. I say this because you may not be so lucky as to meet a woman who has this self-control. It is either you make up your mind to hold on jealously to your religious beliefs by avoiding whatever form of intimacy with any man in a closed place, restricting all your relationship to an open place or face the reality about yourself. Be clear about this to help you in your next relationship.

Besides, you have to have a mental image of the kind of man for you. What kind of man, irrespective of religion would make you a happy woman?

Faithfulness to our partners is not about keeping our bodies just for our partners alone, it is being truthful in what we say and do. But for one to get to the point of knowing what faithfulness is all about, one must first imbibe it as a way of life. There are millions of men out there, but for you to know who among them is yours would make you happy, you have to begin the search from your heart. 

What are those things real about you as well as those things that are fake? It is important you are very honest with yourself. Without you first asking God what is His purpose for you on earth, you might not recognise what and who you need to help you go through the storms of life with less injury as possible. 

Our situations in life are patterned by the almighty to make us triumph over changing life situations. 

Your solution is to key into God’s plans for you and to be sincere about whom you are. 

Good luck. 


I Want To Be Pregnant…

Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your column. Please I need your advice as soon as possible. I need to get pregnant. I have tried, but it is not working. I run a 28-day cycle. When do, I actually need to sleep with my fiancé to get pregnant?

Worried Lady.


Dear Worried Lady, 

Even if you have a healthy and predictable cycle, if you are not relaxed sufficiently, it might be difficult for you to get pregnant. Most women find it difficult to conceive when they are worried about getting pregnant. 

Being a 28-day woman, you are one of those whose ovulation is easy to predict. Begin calculation from the first day of your menses to the 10th day after it. The 11th –15th day are your most fertile period, when you are most likely to get pregnant. But like I earlier said, you must try as much as possible to relax. From experiences, it is always difficult for a woman who has worked herself into expectation at the end of every of her monthly cycle to get pregnant. So just relax.

However there is the need for you and your boyfriend to see a gynecologist to examine if things are okay with the two of you. 

The fact that you are having a regular period doesn’t make a woman automatically healthy to conceive. 

At times too, the fault could come from the man whose sperm may be too low or unhealthy to get a woman pregnant. There are so many medical reasons that could prevent an apparently healthy couple from producing a baby. Going to the doctor would not only tell where the problem is, but also provide the cure.

Good luck. 

As Her Love For Another Guy Becomes Open-secret…

Dear Agatha,

I really love how you advise and respond to issues brought before you. It’s such a great thing to have someone like you around us. Please, I have a problem with my girlfriend who seems to be in love with another guy. 

Anytime we are together and she sees this guy, she immediately goes cold on me, by abandoning me to give the guy the impression there is nothing going on between us. 

Whenever I ask what is between this guy and her, she tells me nothing, and that he is just a friend. 

I know this girl is actually in love with me, but addicted to the guy. It seems there’s something between the two of them that she doesn’t want me to know. 

Please what should I do? I mean what could be the secrecy between the girl I love so much and this guy? I really love her to the extent that if I don’t communicate with her in a day she picks offence. Please, I need your advice on the steps to take before anything happens. 

Confused Terry.


Dear Confused Terry, 

What kind of love would make her go cold on you immediately she sights the other man? What manner of love would make her abandon you for another man? Or advertise the fact that she has someone else in her life?

Growing up, she isn’t the one who appears to have the addiction, you are the one who does, else why haven’t you bothered to ask her why she isn’t shielding you from knowing about her association with the other man like she appears to be doing for the other man?  It is either this lady is in a relationship with you or not. As her boyfriend, you must be involved in whatever form of friendship exists between her and the other man. 

It is not enough telling you there is nothing between them. She has to act it by making sure you and this man meet as her boyfriend and friend. She has to be transparent in her dealings with both of you and this is what you must insist on because in a relationship, there is no eating and having the cake. 

If she loves you as you seem to think, she must be willing to make the needed sacrifices to ensure her relationship with you is protected from suspicions generated by unexplainable association with other people, especially members of the opposite sex. 

Trying to hide your relationship from this man underscores the nature of her relationship with this man. Rather, than give you false hopes about her feelings for you, insist she either comes clean with the nature of her relationship with this other man or you will end whatever it is you both have going on. 

Respect and ability to own up to our responsibilities is the bedrock of any relationship. She must at all times learn to respect you and that which brought the two of you together. No matter how deeply in love you are with her, if the relationship is lacking of the vitals, there is no way one person can adequately power it to the point of success. It will get to a stage your pride, as a man, would no longer be able to take the humiliation anymore. Just like you must be ready at all times to take responsibility for your actions, she too must be ready to be liable for whatever decisions she takes. 

However, to put your relationship in the right perspective, please, call her for a roundtable discussion. For trust to exist, you must be clear on the nature of her relationship with the other man. Asking her to explain doesn’t mean you don’t support her association with males, but simply demanding that as the man in her life, you must know who her friends are irrespective of the gender of these friends. 

I sense a reluctance of sort on your part, maybe due to fears of losing her to another man. The truth is, there is nothing to fear about losing this particular girl, because if the truth must be told, you don’t have her to yourself yet. You can only be afraid of losing something that belongs exclusively to you, but not in a situation like this when you are not even sure of your position in her life. 

Confronting her as well as insisting on her doing the right things would define who is most important of the two of you in her life. 

Frankly, it is actually in your interest you take the bull by the horns to avoid wasting precious time on a relationship that may at the end of the day not be beneficial to you. 

Love is a process of endless sacrifices. You could make the sacrifice to endure whatever she decides to do to you for now, but a time would come, especially as a man when you would no longer be able to endure the humiliation of playing second best to another man in the life of the woman you are dating. Don’t wait until the hurt is too much or destroys you for another woman before making the decision. One thing is clear, if she leaves, another woman worthy of your love would come along. This is how life operates, because God sees so many things we don’t see. 

However it can only happen if you are man enough to face the truth.

Good luck. 

  

Her Parents Say Her Husband Must Be A Muslim

Dear Agatha,

Your contribution and advice to people concerning the problems or worries about relationship is such a great thing. I really appreciate your generosity in settling matters and suggestions you give to others. May God grant you more wisdom, knowledge as well as understanding.

Please Agatha, I want you to help me out concerning a girl I love so much and who is also in love with me. But, there is this religious issue between us and it has to do with her parents who she said have never hidden their desire to ensure she marries a Muslim like them. 

Despite her being a Muslim and me a Christians, she happens to qualify for my ideal woman because she is respectful, humble, kind, soft spoken, beautiful but the ugly aspect of her is religion, being championed by her parents.  

Agatha what can I do to convince this girl concerning her parents’ stance on her husband being a Muslim.

Confused Guy.


Dear Confused Guy, 

What does she want? She must be able to tell you this. It isn’t enough for her to heap the blame of her inability to marry you on her parents based on their religious inclination; being old enough to have a boyfriend, she should be old enough to be categorical about her needs as well as the passion to defend her dreams.

The real issue here is not whether her parents have the right to make a choice for her, but if she has the guts to make one for herself. 

Her parents have a right to make demands, tell her what they think is the best for her, but she has the ultimate right to define and defend what she knows is best for her. After all, it is her life we are talking about here, not that of her parents who are still together by virtue of the choice they made back then. 

Until your girlfriend makes up her mind on whether she is really in love with you or not, ready to challenge her parents on what they think is good enough for her and what she knows would work for her, you may be wasting your time expecting anything fundamental to happen in this relationship.

Rather than worry at her parents stance, why not first concentrate on ensuring she has belief in you and your love? Find out from her what she thinks of you as a Christian? Has she ever considered marrying a Christian? Does she see you first as a man or as a Christian? Chances are that she sees you first as a Christian before the man, she may never be able to marry you, ever hold a contrary view that is different from that of her parents and is only using the opportunity provided by her parents’ opposition to put you off the scent of her true feelings for you. If this is the case, nothing you do will ever please her because she limited by her religious priority to investigate you and find out what makes you different from a lot of other men she has met so far.

It means she isn’t ready for your world, or to take chances with you. Should you insist on having that kind of woman maybe inimical to your overall happiness in life because, you both will never have the right drive and motivation to handle issues without you first taking the option of your religious difference! 

But if she sees you essentially as a man, irrespective of what your religion is, one she is interested in meeting and being friends with, one makes her laugh and adventurous, it would be easy for both of you to contemplate a future together for the simple reason that you can talk first as people before talking as religious opponents.

To help you understand each other best, ask her what she thinks of you as a person as well as the amount of sacrifice she is ready to make.

Her response to you would help you properly situate the relationship as well as give you a clear idea of how to confront her parents. 

Sincerely, I think you are putting the cart before the horse since there is still nothing concrete between the two of you. Take each day as it comes. First kick-start the relationship by establishing friendship that comes from your understanding as well as appreciation of your differences as well as the concomitant respect it takes co-exist in spite of these fundamentals. 

It is only when both of you are able to weave all the missing threads together into one knit, give your relationship a character too powerful to be perforated by your religious differences can you then meet with her parents. 

Because of the way we have unwittingly elevated religion to the point of open condemnation of anybody who doesn’t buy our own religious views, it is imperative you also frankly discuss this issue. Marriage being a lifetime journey; as the man, what is your real view about her religion? Would you be able to endure her continuing in her religion until she is convinced on the need to change on her own or give her ultimatums the moment she becomes officially your wife irrespective of whether she is ready or not to embrace the change marriage has brought her way?

Do you think your family would support you to help her appreciate the beauty in your own religion by not opposing her on account of her religion?

Unless you are determined on what you want, know the challenges ahead and prepared to tackle them with as much openness as the problems demand, what starts out as being good may end up being not too good. 

In addition to what you want, you should also go to God to ask what His intentions are for you through prayers.

Good luck. 


I Don’t Feel Like Sleeping With My New Husband

Dear Agatha,

 

Thank you very much for your advice to people like us. I have a very big problem and I don’t know how to get out of it. I got married last year. Since then whenever I want to have sex with my husband, I don’t get aroused and sometimes I don’t feel like having sex. What do I do or my husband to for me to get aroused or feel sexy. Again when is the best time to get pregnant?

 

Funmi


Dear Funmi, 


What precisely is the problem? Is it that your husband is unable to arouse you as a woman? What is your knowledge and experience of sex? Did you marry as a virgin, and if you did, what was your upbringing like? Did you grow up in one of those homes where sex was presented as dirty, something to be done in the dark, not to be enjoyed, done when it is only for reproductive purpose, never to be discussed? 

If you didn’t come into your matrimonial home as a virgin, what kinds of experiences did you have? Were they the kind that denied you pleasure in your own body and the act of lovemaking; were they the kind that ensured you played the submissive role to the man? What kind of man or men did you go the whole length with?

In addition, what sort of perception do you have of sex? As a matter of fact, what do you understand by love and sex? Can you differentiate between the two?

How much of your individuality comes to play when you are both intimate? What do you know about your husband’s body and anatomy? Are you too shy to touch, feel and take him on a pleasure ride as a woman? Who are you and what do you want from your husband in the bedroom? Do you want sex, which in your case is what you appear to be getting making you frustrated or is it love-making, which goes a long way to help couples interpret and cement their union?  

Often times, our interpretation of who we are and what we want cause the problem in our marriages. Being married, you are licensed to explore, demand and take what you want from the act. He is your husband and if you don’t ask for it from him, who will you go to?

The first thing to do here is to relax to enable you have a clear vision of what kind of sex you want from your marriage. One good thing about sex is the fact that the knowledge comes naturally. We were born with it and it is always there for us when we demand of it. 

You must learn the difference between sex and lovemaking to be able to get properly into the act. Sex is basic to man; the appeasement of a deep animalistic hunger inside every living thing, including man that God created. It is so animalistic in nature; it lacks any fineness and so primeval. This is the primitive aspect of sex. Whereas lovemaking is all the extra process we put in to elevate it from its primitive garb to something extraordinary and fulfilling. God gave us the fundamental knowledge of sex but ours is to imbibe the extra know-how to make it more exciting. It is like eating food. We all eat but the patent we give to our food is what makes it different from what the rest of people are eating. 

This is what you must do. Find the right key that brings out the best in you and your husband. You must interpret your body language, needs and ideas to elevate sex to the act of lovemaking.

At this critical stage, you must let go of whatever hang-ups you have about sex and come boldly to state your wants as well as present your ideas on how you think it can work well between the two of you. Whether you came as a virgin or as an experienced woman into your husband’s life the fact is, after one year of living with a man, you can no longer claim to be naïve about the ways of man and woman. So, your era of pretences and lack of knowledge is over. You must rise about whatever your man would think and make the move that would save your marriage from doom. Remember, while the society would willingly forgive him if he strays on account of him not getting the right sex from you; you would be condemned for having the guts to go outside your home for sexual satisfaction so, it is more in your interest to make it work for both of you because you have no where else to go from here. If you fail to give him the type of sex that would engage him so satisfactorily, another woman would gladly do it on your behalf. You and I know the implication of having another woman in your husband’s arms. 

To help you adopt a holistic approach to it, these are questions you must answer. If you don’t know, don’t second guess; ask him because the key to your sexual happiness as a couple is woven into these questions. What quality of experiences too does your husband come with? Was he a virgin? What kind of background does he have? How was sex presented to him by his family and church? How much of him can you identify with as his woman, when you are alone with him and how much of his parents’ son remains when he is intimidate with you?

Having a knowledge of his past life would give you a good anchor to the issue because it is too early not to be aroused by your husband. And this brings me to the important question of the memory of your first time with your husband. How was it like? Was it an anti-climax kind of thing? If it was, perhaps you haven’t been able to rid your memory of that major disappointment, which in most cases could set the pattern of all your lovemaking in your marriage unless huge effort is made to change it for the better.

If he was a virgin, perhaps, both of you have to give yourselves the opportunity of dialoguing your fantasies. No matter how prudish your upbringing was, we all at one time or the other dreamt of what we thought or want sex to be. What was your dream of sex? You and your husband must share your dreams with all the honesty it deserves because therein lies the clues to your sexual happiness. This is the time for both of you to talk as sincerely as possible.

Sex being imperative to a healthy marriage, there is the need for both of you to come out of whatever cupboards you have allowed the past put you to chart a new frontier for your marriage to prevent early sexual decay. And in finding quality sex, you must first of all find a platform to be friends; good friends to make it work well for you. If you make love as friends, you would be able to relax, talk and invent initiatives to make it work for you.

Being pregnant would depend on your cycle. If you are a 28-day person, target the 11th to 14th day from the day your period started. But still go to your doctor to be properly guided.


Good luck.