She doesn’t have time for me anymore

Dear Agatha, The first time my family met with her, she was just my friend. She hadn’t agreed to be my girlfriend. But before l left for the United States, she accepted the proposal to be my girlfriend. While here, I decided that I needed to be more serious and focus on the reasons that brought me to this country. When I told her of my decision, she wasn’t happy and went to my family in tears to report me. I had to accept her back and we continued with our relationship. Later she confessed sleeping with another man when I told her I need the break. I was angry. She used to tell me I don’t have much time for her, though I called her almost everyday. Now she has moved to Ukraine where she is also studying. Since moving to that country her excuse for not calling as she used to, is now lack of time, not even to chat on the facebook. Though, things are currently not going on well with her. We are both studying medicine and I still make out time to call her or chat with her. Can you please give me an idea of what’s going on? Worried Boyfriend. Dear Worried Boyfriend, Things may not be going as she expected. Don’t forget what it was like for you when you first got to your host country. I am sure the kinds of pressures that made you decide to end the relationship with her then and focus on your studies, are precisely what she too is currently facing. This of course is in addition to learning how to speak the language. Unlike United States, where English is spoken, in Ukraine, her first challenge would be the language barrier. She must learn how to speak their language to fit into their system. You didn’t have that challenge. In her shoes, you may not really have the generosity of time to chat or talk. Although, this isn’t an excuse but you must appreciate her challenge and situation by looking at all the things you initially faced when you first got to the United States. It couldn’t have been a tea party else you wouldn’t have considered the option of ending the relationship with her then. The ideal thing is for you to ask her what her challenges are. Encourage her to talk about it, dropping hints of your own experiences to help her understand what your concerns are. To discourage or suspect her of anything without concrete proof is to garment your own excuses at that time you were having them with the same suspicions you are now having concerning her. To begin with, alluding to a relationship she had when you told her you were no longer interested in the relationship would be grossly unfair under this circumstance. As someone who had issues too in the beginning, you are in the best position to understand that the first few months of relocating from all known things to something entirely new, isn’t easy at all. Just as you thought your studies were all that mattered then, she too maybe going through that phase; thinking that keeping her distance from a relationship would help her focus more on her studies. Because there is no school as definite as the one of experience, loan her yours by developing understanding ears to her current plight. Even if she isn’t calling, take it upon yourself to do all the calling at least for the next two months. Ignore the quality of your Facebook chats. Continue with her and if she isn’t responding or doing so in monologues, ignore that too until convinced it is more than the issue at hand. It is also important you take into cognizance the impact of the distance between the two of you. First, she was alone after you left and now in Ukraine, she is still without you. It can be very lonely for a woman used to having her man around her. No matter how strong a love is, it can be defeated by distance especially as both of you are young and opened to temptations. Just as you would have indulged in one or two causal relationships since arriving United States, she too would have had one or two more promising offers. Being a young lady, she is most likely to consider a relationship nearer her and with someone she gets to see constantly. All these are angles you should from time to time put into consideration. By the time you are sure that there is more to the issues wrong with her, you would have absolved yourself of any blame. It would be obvious to all that she is the one who doesn’t want the relationship anymore. Even at that, still make attempts to make her come clean with whatever it is that is bothering her. It is only when she isn’t forthcoming and continues to freeze you off that you should allow her go. At that point there would be nothing left for you to do. Good luck.

What is wrong with me?

Dear Agatha, I am a boy of 19. I don’t last more than the first few minutes whenever I have sex with a woman. I don’t know what is happening to me. What can I do to improve performance and strength? Toheeb. Dear Toheeb, At your age, you are yet to come to the full understanding of what sex and lovemaking is. For you, your excitement is your conquest, which unfortunately is not a good reason for intimacy between a woman and man. Like your teenage years, sex is still shrouded in fun and plenty of excitement. You have no plan for it hence you cannot attain the height a matured man would achieve. To unlock and point you to the heart of your problem; answer these questions: what do you hope to achieve by having sex with a woman at your age? What do you plan to do with the consequences of it? Beyond having the pleasures of her body, what other plans do you have for the girl you are doing it with? In addition, what is your state of mind when doing it? Doubtless at your age, the girl you are having sex with is just as in a hurry to complete the act to escape notice or conclude whatever assignment given her by her parents or guardian before making a detour to your love-nest. Life is sectioned into seasons. There is no getting it right until you come into the season assigned to a particular thing in life. Experimental sex will never give you the same result as valued sex. It comes with age; control and reason for it. When something is being done for the fun of it, there is no way it can give the same result as when doing it for the right reason. Once you stop seeing girls as play things, something to conquer and begin to see them as persons with emotions, intellect and valuable partners in life, so many things about your sex life will improve. By then, you won’t want to rush over sex but take your time in getting to know how the woman you are with, feels about you and what you are both doing. Quality sex abhors selfishness and excitement at having another conquest. You must learn to talk and acquaint yourself with the mindset of your partner, and factor her feelings into whatever you are doing, by seeking her opinion as well as her challenges before you can get the best of her. Her fears of the outcome of your act, you as the man must first be addressed. Without all these out of the way, the instinct of the woman with you will not be fully tuned into what you have in mind. All these are factors that influence the quality of a man’s performance. You cannot go beyond your current feat because once the excitement of being with your woman wears off, there is nothing else to stimulate your next action, hence your inability to go beyond the point you currently achieve and like a flash in the pan, you are out and extinguished for another particular show. If it is any help, the more responsibilities you attach to sex, the better you become at it until you get to that point when you see sex as a special gift between a man and woman who care so much about each other and want to be together always. By the time you get there, you will discover that you don’t need anything to motivate you; that wanting to express love through sex to that special woman in your life comes naturally. Until you get to that point, it will always be a touch and go situation. At 19, you still have a lot to learn from life. But while you wait to get to that point, be careful you don’t become a premature father else, your anger at being a father when you are least prepared for it, will always come between you and finding complete peace with your person. Good luck.

They’re against my choice of woman

Dear Agatha, I stay with my elder brother who doesn’t talk or discuss anything with me. He doesn’t know how I feed, cloth or survive. I am always very sad because I am not in school like my mates. It isn’t as if I don’t desire to further my education but, I lack the means as well as the support of my siblings too. Where I work, I am paid N25,000. I plan to leave my brother’s place since everybody thinks he is helping me, when he isn’t it. My salary is too small for me to do anything tangible with. Out of this money, I feed, cloth and transport myself. At the end of the day, there is nothing left. One day, I met this lady through the internet. She was then living in Kano. We got talking and exchanged numbers. Along the line she told me she would be coming to Lagos to visit her mother; initially she declined my request that we meet; but later agreed and we met for the first time. I fell in love with her. We exchanged information about our lives. I discovered she is a soldier. When I told her about my plight as well as desire to further my education, she agreed to support me through school and gave me N5, 000.00 to buy a form so I could go back to school. She made me promise not to disappoint her like the guy she was dating before she met me did. She later got a transfer to Lagos. At a point, she wanted us to live together after her visit to my place but I explained to her that the place belonged to my brother so she put up at her mother’s place during the time it took the military authority to get her a place. She was eventually given a two bedroom flat. Finally I gained admission and we are planning getting married despite my not having money. She is 26 while I am 28. When my sister saw her for the first time, she complained that she was too old for me. My brother too is also very annoyed at my plans and my sleeping in the girl’s house. My people are totally against me marrying her, not withstanding the fact that since meeting her, a lot of things have changed positively for me. When we were writing exams, I begged my brother for N3, 000.00; he refused; it was this girl that gave me the money. Now that we are planning a formal introduction, I am not sure any member of my family will support it because I don’t have anything. I am very positive they won’t support my living with her in the barracks; they don’t even know she is a soldier. The question is, is it right for me to live with her in the barracks? She won’t allow me use my money to pay rent, even if I have when she has a free two bedroom flat to herself. Confused Man. Dear Confused Man, First and foremost, at 28, you are past the age of consent. You are a grown man, who in particular has experienced hardship and almost a bleak future as a result of lack of sponsors for your educational quest. If this lady, without considering your financial situation or lack of adequate education, agreed to, not just a relationship with you, but using her hard earned money to fulfill your desire to have good education, why should your family, who never offered support when you most needed it, complain? Sincerely, your family, through their neglect of you forfeited their right to influence your decision on any matter. Be that as it may; aren’t you two rather too hasty in your decision to marry? How much of each other do you know? So many things add up to make a marriage successful. For how long do you expect her to continue to support you? At least, you still have your N25,000.00 job. Generous as this lady maybe, as the man you should, no matter how small, contribute your bits to the plans both of you are making. She isn’t the one marrying you; you are the one marrying her because she is going to bear your name. Granted, her eagerness may not be unconnected with fears of you disappointing her after her huge investment on you, reality however beckons that both of you should plan your lives in such a way that you won’t be disappointed later in life. One thing is to conduct a successful relationship; another is to have a workable marriage. You may not think anything is wrong now in collecting money from her but it would get to a point she would resent being the one spending all the money in the house. Women are naturally built to receive from men; not give all the time. From time to time, a woman when forced by situation to play the lead role, does so but not when the man puts all the responsibility on her. If you are going to marry her, it would be ridiculous for you to expect her to pay for her own dowry as well as for all the expenses of the entire ceremony. The question of whether it is proper to stay with her in the barracks should be the least of your worries because by the time you get to that point, both of you will find a way round it. The military authorities have provisions for civilian husbands for their female officers. It isn’t as important as the issue of both of you planning your future properly. Even if her family isn’t complaining now, a time would come when they would if it comes to their notice that their daughter is the one footing all the bills in the relationship. If your love for each other is genuine, there is no tempest it cannot survive. It is a matter of absolute determination on your parts to stay together. So, you both don’t have to hurry into a marriage you haven’t really prepared for. As a man, how much do you know about the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with? Aside the money you are getting from her, are you sincere with yourself about loving her? If she wasn’t offering all the help to you, would you have considered her as one you would want to spend the rest of your life with? From what you have seen of her, do you think you have what it takes to be a good and effective husband to her? Deep down, aren’t you afraid that her personality will consume yours? Is she as submissive as you would want her to be? Irrespective of what you think of your family, do you think they have a point in what they are saying about her? Don’t neglect the fact that it is your life that is at stake. While age may not be a factor in marriage per-se, do you think she could be lying about hers? The point here is trust. These questions are not meant to deter you from marrying her, but to help you in particular come to a full understanding of the issues enveloped in marriage. This is because there is no going back once you give your full consent. The fact that your brother didn’t sponsor your education isn’t an issue. If you were really prepared to go to school, you could have done it on your own. A lot of people your age, with that salary would still have forged ahead especially as they had free accommodation. So your motive for staying with her, you must also examine because unlike other women, you can afford to dump after getting what you want from them, this lady wouldn’t be that easy if that is what you have in mind. Give your relationship sometime to firm up. Subject it to the challenges of two people with your different backgrounds coming together to make a life. It is therefore imperative for both of you to openly discuss your fears, options as well as these questions I have asked to enable both of you appreciate the full implications of what you are going into. Good luck.