With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have been urging my first daughter to bring a man home to marry. She is almost 38. Although the most beautiful of my three daughters, she appears to be the one having the most difficulties in sustaining any relationship. Men come and go. I haven’t seen a man who has stayed with her for more than six months at most.
Her two younger sisters are married and have children of their own. Severally, I have heard her crying in her room but there is nothing I can do to help her beyond praying for her.
Two years ago, her father tried matchmaking her with the son of his best friend who also is unmarried at 42. We thought it would work between the two of them but were warned in the church not to allow them continue with the relationship. Our pastor said, the boy in question has a very short lifespan and our daughter would become widowed within a month after their marriage. They had no choice but to go their different ways. The man got married to another lady early this year and nothing has happened to him.
My daughter feels very bad about it. She thinks the pastor lied about the prophecy to make way for the daughter of his relation who the boy eventually got married to.
Now she is dating a man who already has two wives and from all indices has made up her mind to marry him whether we are in support of her decision or not.
The father and I have done everything to make her see reasons but nothing we say appears to be having the right kind of effect on her anymore.
How do I convince her not to marry this man who in addition to having two wives is almost of the same age with my husband. A friend of mine told me to go and appeal to the man to leave my daughter alone. I am actually considering going as soon as I hear from you.
Please help me.
Madam Alice.
Dear Madam Alice,
Frankly, in her current state of mind, there is nothing you say or do now that can make her change her mind. It would take the grace of God to stop her from continuing with her decision to marry this man.
At 38 and with her younger sisters all married, she feels time is not on her side. The only man that was sufficiently interested in her and who would have married her was driven away by the prophecy of a pastor.
In her shoes, how would you feel especially as no man has ever been around her for more than six months at a go? This isn’t time for you or her father to insist on her not marrying the man she has made up her mind to marry. Instead, adopt diplomacy in this matter. You need to understand her pains as well as disappointments. You, as a woman, must appreciate that until this moment she had done everything you wanted and how her obedience to your wish as pronounced by the pastor has affected her.
She cannot be happy seeing the man who wanted to marry her in the arms of another woman; the man she was told would die within a month of their marriage. It would have been a different matter if the man had truly died according to the sayings of the pastor but that he has been married for sometime now and is still alive has really complicated things for you.
You must understand that she is very bitter and has lost hope in everything you, her father and the church represent. Having done everything your way until now, she feels it is time she does things her way. Even if you are not comfortable with her decision, learn to take each day as it comes.
Being her mother, you know her better than anybody. It is this knowledge you must rely on to make her listen to you. But before you even try attempting to terminate her current relationship, what alternative do you have for her? It isn’t just enough asking her to drop this man; you must be prepared to provide her with options. For instance, you could split them by asking your daughter to change location. Sending her abroad to start life afresh is one sacrifice you and your husband can consider. It would help you achieve your desire of stopping her from making the mistake of marrying a man who already has two wives as well as create a new environment for her to meet new people.
It would also remove her from immediate scene of seeing this her ex-boyfriend and his wife. This way, she would heal faster than if she remained in Nigeria.
In addition, you would still be able to preserve your relationship with your daughter. As it stands now, you risk losing her love and respect by your decision not to support her choice of a husband.
Offering to sponsor her trip and stay abroad would help her realise that you mean well for her and that if you could change the world to make her happy, you would since have done it. If you cannot afford a European country, you and your husband can consider an African country. She actually needs a change of environment to remain emotionally stable.
Going to this man would only complicate things for you in terms of your relationship with your daughter. It is your daughter you have business with not the man. Everyman has the right to desire any woman; it is usually the job of the woman to say yes or no. He proposed to your daughter and she accepted. He has not done anything out of the ordinary. The fact that you don’t subscribe to polygamy doesn’t make it wrong or illegal. Your daughter would rightly feel you are interfering too much in her life. Don’t forget that at 38, she is an adult and who by right should be in her husband’s house making her decision.
The fact that she is still single doesn’t mean you should not recognise her right to her decision. She really doesn’t need your consent to marry this man because it is her life and decision. The fact that she agreed to listen to you all these years is because she is a responsible lady.
The way you talk to and tailor the life of a young woman in her 20s is different from a 38-year-old woman.
Stop trying to live her life for her. Granted, you are her mother but she is also an adult and knows what is good for her. If you want to intervene, it must be done with so much wisdom and caution. This is why you must give her positive alternatives to the choice she is about to make else you would be unwittingly pushing her to the very direction you don’t want her to go to.
As a mother, you also need to pray your daughter into happiness. One thing is to give her an alternative to her decision; another thing is for you to pray for her. There is no doubting that from your story, your first daughter has some spiritual challenges, which you as a mother isn’t paying too much attention to.
If you don’t get on your knees fast, even if she goes there, things might not really work for her. It is time you moved out of your cocoon and seek the face of God on behalf on your daughter. Look back into your family, your husband’s family for clues into her problem. What is happening to her isn’t natural.
Also, find out from her if she has offended any man in the past; one that swore to deal with her. You must find out where the leak is from to enable you know what your prayer points would be.
She needs your help because this battle is beyond her. It is the reason all young girls pray to have their mothers alive. Cry to God for His help. It isn’t too late for her to find her missing rib. This is a step you have to take on your own. Fast and go on personal vigil for your daughter. If God wants you to seek the help of a pastor, He would direct you appropriately.
You must first get rid of her spiritual dustbin before sending her abroad or talking to her. It is very important.
Good luck.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
I’m in love with a violent man
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 23 years of age. I started dating my boyfriend when I was in my final year in secondary school. He actually helped me to secure admission into the university since I didn’t go through the right channel. Because of this, I have remained in his debt. He beats me, flirts, behaves as he likes and does other things that really hurt me. Severally, he has poured hot soup on me simply because I protest against his numerous women. Twice I have made feeble attempts to leave him, but deep down I know I can’t because he has an inexplicable hold over me. Apart from what I feel for him, he can be very violent and has promised to eliminate my entire family, himself and me if I ever leave him for another man. Knowing him as much as I do, this isn’t an empty threat. Once he locked me in the room when I refused to make love with him and brought out a sharp object to eliminate both of us if I don’t do what he wanted. A lot of my friends have tried talking to me about this abusive relationship. I know he is bad for me, but I don’t know what to do. The funny thing is that he comes back to beg after such misbehavior. Another reason for my handicap has to do with the help he offered me in getting my admission. He is capable of exposing everything to the world and where would that leave me? Another thing is that I am pregnant, and unfortunately for me the doctor I went to is his friend, and has told him about it. So there is no way of escaping marrying him. Please, Agatha, what do I do now? This man is capable of killing me one day but I am very helpless. I don’t have a mother and don’t know how to end this relationship. I am also afraid the baby would end up being as violent as the father just like a friend of mine pointed out. What do you think? I am really scared. Please help me. I don’t want to die young and cannot abort the baby because there is a prophecy that if I attempt it I would die.
Yeni.
Dear Yeni, Aside from the prophecy, the baby is a gift from God. So don’t even think of removing it. You appeared to have made one mistake already, don’t be in a haste to make another one. You may not be comfortable with the attitude of the father but the baby is innocent. Invest love in the baby and give it proper training. A lot of the time, we are the kind of training we got from our parents. Your boyfriend is who he is, because of the kind of training he got and the company he keeps. Even if your child inherits this aspect of his character, you can help the child overcome it by showing him or her true and undiluted love. Usually, children manifest their kind of nature when young. From that point, the mother has the task of moulding the child to what she wants him or her to become. The mistake most mothers make is to ignore these traits or attribute them to the age of the child. Sometimes too, these kinds of behaviour come from over-indulgence on the part of the mother. If nothing is done early enough, by the time the mother feels the need to introduce discipline, it becomes almost impossible and a future problem to the spouse. The key to helping this child come to full maturity lies with you. As a mother your duties and responsibilities go beyond giving birth to the child. It includes pointing the child to the right direction through the words of God. As for your relationship with the man, the choice to stay depends solely on what you want from life. If you enjoy being beaten and humiliated, you can stay. But if you don’t, be bold to confront him on what you think of his attitude towards you. From all indications, this man lacks respect for your person and feelings. Whatever your own shortcomings are, he hasn’t the right to beat you. It shows a man who is completely lacking in self-control and maturity in handling women. And if he keeps beating you at this stage of your relationship, when he should be courting you, making himself attractive to you so that you can agree to marry him, how do you think he would treat you when you are both married? That he helped you secure admission in your school isn’t an excuse for him to threaten or keep beating you anytime he feels like. No love is worth any violence. While it is natural for couple to quarrel, at times even violent ones, what is happening in your relationship is, however unhealthy, as it has become a pattern. If you don’t build up the courage now to face this situation and give it the kind of attention you may not live long to even enjoy being mother to your children. What if the hot soup he poured on you had left you with permanent injury, handicapped for life? What kind of story would you be telling your family? Grow up! No love can be greater than the love to stay alive? Your sustaining a relationship is dependent on your being alive. If you die from injuries you sustain from being constantly beaten by him, this guy would eventually marry another woman. The loss won’t be his but that of your family who would have lost a promising daughter and you would have lost a life God intended for greatness. I am sure God didn’t create you to be a punching bag for a man who is probably learning how to be a world-class boxing champion. If this man has no respect for you, learn to give yourself some respect. He is treating you this way because he knows you are weak and handicapped by your desire to stay in school at all cost. Resist being blackmailed by him to stay in this relationship. Life is too beautiful, fragile and short for this kind of lifestyle you plan with this man. Whatever your fears are now, you can bet they are far less than the kind of life you would have if after witnessing and experiencing all these dangerous signs, you still go ahead to marry him. That you are pregnant for him isn’t also a reason for you to marry him. Every child deserves happiness and peaceful home to grow in. So do you, as a young woman, just starting out her life. If you are being treated by your man as a second-class citizen, one who lacks the ability to think or feel anything. What kind of respect do you think your child would have for you? Honestly, you are still beating about the bush and clearly not being very honest with yourself concerning the real reason you are putting up with his character. Unless you are able to do without that secret thing you are not saying, you will never be able to end this relationship. You need to admit to the real truth behind your story and plight to fuel your determination to resist him permanently. The best way is to weigh this thing you are not saying and the worth of your own life. How much does your life mean to you? Is that thing worth dying for? Value your life appropriately, it is the only way to either move on or opt out of this relationship. You also have to go to take a trip to the very beginning of this relationship. Can you tell the mistakes you made at the beginning? Unless there is something very wrong with him, he alone couldn’t have destroyed this relationship to this extent. Knowing those things you didn’t do right at the inception of your relationship would also help you avoid many of the mistakes this relationship has become. One way of ending it is to simply walk away and threaten to inform the Police about threats he has made to kill you and your entire family. Also tell your family. And if you have brothers, let them go to him. More often than not, bullies die many times before their death. Once he knows the Police is involved as well as your family, he would be cautious in his dealings with you. Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am 23 years of age. I started dating my boyfriend when I was in my final year in secondary school. He actually helped me to secure admission into the university since I didn’t go through the right channel. Because of this, I have remained in his debt. He beats me, flirts, behaves as he likes and does other things that really hurt me. Severally, he has poured hot soup on me simply because I protest against his numerous women. Twice I have made feeble attempts to leave him, but deep down I know I can’t because he has an inexplicable hold over me. Apart from what I feel for him, he can be very violent and has promised to eliminate my entire family, himself and me if I ever leave him for another man. Knowing him as much as I do, this isn’t an empty threat. Once he locked me in the room when I refused to make love with him and brought out a sharp object to eliminate both of us if I don’t do what he wanted. A lot of my friends have tried talking to me about this abusive relationship. I know he is bad for me, but I don’t know what to do. The funny thing is that he comes back to beg after such misbehavior. Another reason for my handicap has to do with the help he offered me in getting my admission. He is capable of exposing everything to the world and where would that leave me? Another thing is that I am pregnant, and unfortunately for me the doctor I went to is his friend, and has told him about it. So there is no way of escaping marrying him. Please, Agatha, what do I do now? This man is capable of killing me one day but I am very helpless. I don’t have a mother and don’t know how to end this relationship. I am also afraid the baby would end up being as violent as the father just like a friend of mine pointed out. What do you think? I am really scared. Please help me. I don’t want to die young and cannot abort the baby because there is a prophecy that if I attempt it I would die.
Yeni.
Dear Yeni, Aside from the prophecy, the baby is a gift from God. So don’t even think of removing it. You appeared to have made one mistake already, don’t be in a haste to make another one. You may not be comfortable with the attitude of the father but the baby is innocent. Invest love in the baby and give it proper training. A lot of the time, we are the kind of training we got from our parents. Your boyfriend is who he is, because of the kind of training he got and the company he keeps. Even if your child inherits this aspect of his character, you can help the child overcome it by showing him or her true and undiluted love. Usually, children manifest their kind of nature when young. From that point, the mother has the task of moulding the child to what she wants him or her to become. The mistake most mothers make is to ignore these traits or attribute them to the age of the child. Sometimes too, these kinds of behaviour come from over-indulgence on the part of the mother. If nothing is done early enough, by the time the mother feels the need to introduce discipline, it becomes almost impossible and a future problem to the spouse. The key to helping this child come to full maturity lies with you. As a mother your duties and responsibilities go beyond giving birth to the child. It includes pointing the child to the right direction through the words of God. As for your relationship with the man, the choice to stay depends solely on what you want from life. If you enjoy being beaten and humiliated, you can stay. But if you don’t, be bold to confront him on what you think of his attitude towards you. From all indications, this man lacks respect for your person and feelings. Whatever your own shortcomings are, he hasn’t the right to beat you. It shows a man who is completely lacking in self-control and maturity in handling women. And if he keeps beating you at this stage of your relationship, when he should be courting you, making himself attractive to you so that you can agree to marry him, how do you think he would treat you when you are both married? That he helped you secure admission in your school isn’t an excuse for him to threaten or keep beating you anytime he feels like. No love is worth any violence. While it is natural for couple to quarrel, at times even violent ones, what is happening in your relationship is, however unhealthy, as it has become a pattern. If you don’t build up the courage now to face this situation and give it the kind of attention you may not live long to even enjoy being mother to your children. What if the hot soup he poured on you had left you with permanent injury, handicapped for life? What kind of story would you be telling your family? Grow up! No love can be greater than the love to stay alive? Your sustaining a relationship is dependent on your being alive. If you die from injuries you sustain from being constantly beaten by him, this guy would eventually marry another woman. The loss won’t be his but that of your family who would have lost a promising daughter and you would have lost a life God intended for greatness. I am sure God didn’t create you to be a punching bag for a man who is probably learning how to be a world-class boxing champion. If this man has no respect for you, learn to give yourself some respect. He is treating you this way because he knows you are weak and handicapped by your desire to stay in school at all cost. Resist being blackmailed by him to stay in this relationship. Life is too beautiful, fragile and short for this kind of lifestyle you plan with this man. Whatever your fears are now, you can bet they are far less than the kind of life you would have if after witnessing and experiencing all these dangerous signs, you still go ahead to marry him. That you are pregnant for him isn’t also a reason for you to marry him. Every child deserves happiness and peaceful home to grow in. So do you, as a young woman, just starting out her life. If you are being treated by your man as a second-class citizen, one who lacks the ability to think or feel anything. What kind of respect do you think your child would have for you? Honestly, you are still beating about the bush and clearly not being very honest with yourself concerning the real reason you are putting up with his character. Unless you are able to do without that secret thing you are not saying, you will never be able to end this relationship. You need to admit to the real truth behind your story and plight to fuel your determination to resist him permanently. The best way is to weigh this thing you are not saying and the worth of your own life. How much does your life mean to you? Is that thing worth dying for? Value your life appropriately, it is the only way to either move on or opt out of this relationship. You also have to go to take a trip to the very beginning of this relationship. Can you tell the mistakes you made at the beginning? Unless there is something very wrong with him, he alone couldn’t have destroyed this relationship to this extent. Knowing those things you didn’t do right at the inception of your relationship would also help you avoid many of the mistakes this relationship has become. One way of ending it is to simply walk away and threaten to inform the Police about threats he has made to kill you and your entire family. Also tell your family. And if you have brothers, let them go to him. More often than not, bullies die many times before their death. Once he knows the Police is involved as well as your family, he would be cautious in his dealings with you. Good luck.
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