He forbids me taking his children to my church

Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Three years ago, I married my childhood friend. We met in primary school and remained close. Through our secondary school and university, we remained very close despite occasional slips on his side. Finally he came to the realization that we were meant for each other and stopped all his other relationships. I have never doubted our love for each other so decline all other males that wanted to marry me. Our different religions didn’t matter to me. Apart from being a Muslim, he was also from a polygamous family while I am Christian. My parents were formally Anglican but my mother dragged the family to a Pentecostal church. However, the reactions of everybody in my family were the same-I shouldn’t marry him because of his religion. When it looked as if I was going to lose the battle to my family, I called him to ask if he would allow me continue in my faith once we got married; he agreed and even started going to church with me. Whatever his family thought of his decision, he didn’t tell me but they all accompanied him to the church during our white wedding. For two years after we got married, he didn’t miss church for a day. Our two children; twins were christened in the church. His mother too doesn’t bother me. She is still the best mother-in-law in the world. Something happened in the church which made so many people leave. It was at that point my husband’s attitude changed completely towards the church and Christianity in general. Just as he made up his mind to become a Christian suddenly, he started going to the mosque. When I first tried to discuss the matter with him, he told me not to bother him. But three months after, he yielded to my pressure to tell me his reason. He said, if a human skull was found in the house of a so called man of God, then he has no business being a Christian. He said while he wasn’t against my continuing in my faith, I should not take his children with me to the church. Agatha, he has remained adamant. How can I go to church without my children? How can I allow him bring up my children in the Islamic way? Nothing I have said since has been able to make him change his mind. Although he remains the best husband any woman can wish for; I think he is however taking the issue of the pastor too far. What do I do in this situation? I cannot stop being a Christian and won’t allow him force my children to go his way on this matter. Now we pray separately. My mother insists I shouldn’t allow him blackmail me into changing my religion at all. How do I make him listen to me? Bolajoko Dear Bolajoko, How much does your marriage mean to you? What kinds of plans do you have for your future as well as those of your children? Between your husband and mother, who is most important to you? Importantly, which of these two are you married to? This man or his religion? The truth is, you knew right from the beginning that you belonged to different religions and must have known that one day, you will be forced to make a decision between your religion and his’. The choice we make at the beginning of a relationship stays with us throughout life. This is the reason we must be absolutely clear on our capacity to cope at all times before we commit ourselves to a situation and marriage. To change the goal post mid game on account of our displeasures at the way things are turning out isn’t right and definitely unfair to the other party. You made the decision to marry him despite knowing the danger of mixed religious marriage. If he made the attempt to follow you to church for several years, it didn’t make it right for you to expect him to be the one to abandon his religion. He followed you because he loves you from the deepest part of his person. If he got disappointed along the way to make him run back to something familiar, your job as his wife, friend and important as a Christian isn’t to fight him; rather you should offer him all the understanding and support he needs to get over his disappointment at the reason for his retreat. In his shoes, how would you feel at finding out that the man burning bright for Jesus some moments ago has a human skull? What relationship has a human skull with the Bible and the name of Jesus? To be fair, this is enough to make even those born into Christian families doubt the foundation of their faith. If this man after years of following you to the church is embittered and disappointed at this development, he has every right to be. To deny him his right is to create a situation in his mind that you are insensitive and unappreciative of the sacrifices he made for you. Getting his family to support his decision to marry you despite the religious differences and getting them to attend the church wedding shows the liberty and tolerance of his family. It also shows a man who is ready to put the interest and happiness of his wife first. Even if he didn’t tell you, it must have cost him a lot of negotiation, fighting and stubbornness to get his family to support his choice of you. If they were dye in the wool fanatics like you obviously are, your marriage wouldn’t have happened. Sincerely, if you listen to your mother on this, you will live to regret it. That she succeeded in dragging your father and siblings with her to a strange church, doesn’t mean she should encourage you to do same. Furthermore, the marriage in question is yours, not hers. She isn’t in your marriage, isn’t married to your kind of husband and isn’t having the same challenges you are having in your marriage so if you listen to her, you will be applying the wrong kind of drug to an illness that isn’t the same. That her method appears to be succeeding in getting things done her way in her marriage doesn’t mean she should encourage you to turn your marriage into a replica of her own. A word is enough for the wise. A woman doesn’t have a religion until she gets married. This is universal; a woman follows her husband to wherever he goes; that is why a woman must never allow herself be guided by sentiments when making the choice of who to marry. Marriage is more than a man and woman loving each other; it requires much more to sustain marriage. To be truthful, your husband is rare. Another man won’t stop at telling you not to take his children with you to your church; he would insist you embrace his religion. Besides, he isn’t even telling you not to take his children along with you; what he is saying is that he won’t allow his children in that church. I am sure if you see reasons with him on the need for you to change church, he won’t be so adamant. Besides, what are you still doing in such a church? Does it make sense for you to remain in that kind of church? Do you need your husband to tell you to quit or that you should not expose your children to such an environment? Frankly, you are taking this religion thing too far. Would under the guise of holding on to your religion destroy your own happiness? Besides what does the Bible teach you about the place of a wife? From all indices are you serving God or a man? Rather than fight your husband, go and beg him. Find the friend in him so that you can both discuss the way forward. There is no sense in allowing this matter degenerate. Go to him tonight and ask him to pray for the family. Do it his way to demonstrate your appreciation and understanding for the beauty of the choice you make to marry him despite belonging to different religions. From that point, it would be easier for both of you to fine-tune and arrive at whatever you both decide to do at the end of the day. If he says you should continue in your faith, please go for the familiar-go back to your church of origin and stop whatever it is that you are looking for in your present church. His concern isn’t that you are going to a church because if it were, he wouldn’t even attempt to follow you but the kind of place you are in. Having been friends with him all these years, you must know how to get him to listen and smile again. Use the advantage of your knowledge of him to buy your marriage happiness again. And don’t also forget those children are his children too. Good luck.