Dear Agatha,
I am fed up with my marriage. Got married three years ago to a man I thought was very ideal for me. While we were dating, he was caring and very attentive to me. He practically swept me off my feet with all the attention he showered on me. It was for this reason I left the other man I was dating for him.
In the first year after our marriage, he continued in the tradition but I noticed that he began to change in our second year of marriage. Rather than serve me breakfast in bed on those rare occasions when we were at home together, as was the case in our first year of marriage, he would stay back.
At first I pretended it was all right with me but when it looked as if he was planning to make it permanent, I protested.
To my surprise, he told me he wasn’t ready to pamper me anymore.
When I reminded him it was the reason I married him he actually flared up and call me a selfish woman.
The situation has continued to degenerate between us and we are really not on speaking terms. He accuses me of being too arrogant and making him feel less the man he is.
I suspect he is having an extramarital affair because he no longer complains about me not having time for him nor does he bother about eating at home anymore. He spends considerable time on the phone, ends his conversation with the other person with “me too”, obviously in response.
As a matter of fact, he hardly comes home and when he does, sleeps in the guest room. He is completely acting out of character that I suspect the other woman may be using charms on him. He has always been a responsible man and despite our differences, he was still coming home to eat.
Now I don’t even see him let alone have time to exchange words with him. I am afraid of him ending the marriage because we don’t have any child yet.
Please help me. A friend of mine suggested we trail him to wherever it is that he goes and beat the woman up.
I really don’t know what to do anymore because I have come to realise that I love him so much. How do I get him back?
Rachael.
Dear Rachael,
You can get him back by learning to give him what he wants from you before you completely lose him to another woman. When a man demands for attention from his wife, the best thing is for the woman to oblige him to avoid problems in the home.
Whosoever your husband is involved with may not be using charms but could have mastered the act of tender loving care (TLC), the secret to a wise woman’s success at home. When a woman devotes herself to the care, happiness and peace of the man in her life, it appears like charm to those who don’t know what her strength is.
It was presumptuous of you to assume that he would continue to pamper you when you are not showing a corresponding will to follow his example. For any relationship to work, it has to be symbiotic. It has to be delicately balanced to achieve the desired result. If one of the partners feels the pressure of giving too much while the other is contented with taking only, it destroys the home. Your partner wanted more from you; desired both of you to go on the voyage of self-discovery together but you rejected the opportunity.
However, it isn’t too late to get him back. If there is another woman, don’t bother or complicate things by going to fight her. You have done enough damage to this marriage to risk doing more.
What you should do is to go back to the drawing board. Admit your mistakes and plot how to use your intimate knowledge of him to get him back; to get very good results be very honest with yourself. Don’t be shy to come clean with your own faults by apologising to him. Even if he comes smelling of another woman’s perfume, don’t give up. You must find a way of showing him how much you care for him and want the marriage back.
Also, be prepared to do a lot of work to get back the confidence he once had in you bearing in mind that the other woman too won’t let go easily even if you are his legal wife. Be mindful too that he is hurting from your attitude and may not be too receptive to you now. The important thing you should hold on to is your love for your home.
In situations like this, you require all the complete tools of patience and tolerance. You also require the help of God to give you the right kind of wisdom to win him back.
You must be prepared to use your money, body and imagination in this battle for his heart. Don’t be shy or bothered about what anybody would say. Be prepared to eat the humble pie. Go to his office if he isn’t prepared to listen to you at home, to invite him out to lunch or dinner, especially as he isn’t likely to eat at home.
Because the office is the last place he would want the problem he is having with you advertised, go in a taxi so you could both ride in the same car. Send him gifts, the kind you know he likes, as well as text messages.
If you can’t do it on your own, enlist the help of your best man, whose job includes ensuring the marriage he bested stays intact. You must find a way of ensuring you get his attention without irritating the less than cordial situation in your home.
Pamper him if that would bring peace to your home. The truth is that men respond not just to the hands that feed them but those hands and heart that care for them in a very special way.
Like children, they warm up to attention, presence, smile, friendship and pampering. These are things money cannot buy; the reason men crave for a woman to spend the rest of their lives with. Once they aren’t getting the kind of attention they desire from their wives, they have the tendency to look for that quality attention outside. If your husband sees the effort you are making to win him back, he would definitely come back. What he wants from you is appreciation of his person and position in your life. Nothing more!
You also have to be humble enough to give him control of the home. Even if you are the breadwinner, he remains the leader of the team. Your position as his wife is to give support, not wrestle position with him by assigning responsibilities to him. Marriage doesn’t work that way. There are positions to be respected and responsibilities to be shared. Cooking for you while you sleep is not his responsibilities. If he is doing it, it is simply because he loves you, not because he has to do it. That is your department. Feminism has no place in a successful marriage.
With prayers, apology, better care of him and humility, you will win him back.
Good luck.
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