Dear Agatha,
I will be 26 in December and into my first relationship. It is about a year and six months old. He is 37 years old. He claims to love me and from his way of attitude I think he does. I equally love him too.
After the first time we had sex, I refused him the privilege because I never considered sleeping with a man before marriage but it happened without my planning for it.
Whenever we are together, he talks about us getting married one day. Besides, he shows interest in my family matters even though he tries not to make this obvious.
But he has no money. I vowed never to double date any man. Despite my avowed decision, I am beginning to consider two other men that have indicated interest in me. I don’t know how serious they are and have informed my boyfriend of my intention to end our relationship to give me the opportunity of studying these two men with a view of knowing who among them is most suitable for me.
To my surprise, he simply took what I said out of content. He blames my decision on his financial status, saying he won’t stop me from going because he lacks money now to get married.
But he still kept coming, prompting me to ask days later why he still bothers to come. I made him understand that his coming to my house gives the impression that we are still together.
Agatha, to be frank, I still love this guy, but don’t know how serious he is to avoid heartbreak from any man. I don’t ever want to experience it.
My question now is, do I leave him to give these new men a chance in my life? I am the same lady who wrote to you concerning her body odour. He is the same guy who has stood by me.
Joy.
Dear Joy,
Nothing is wrong with this man but a lot seems to be wrong with you. From all that you have said, you don’t even know what love is let alone to share it with someone.
Until you make up your mind about what you want, you will continue to suffer inconsistencies in your life. You must have the confidence in your own person to be able to move forward in life.
To look for alternatives for this man, you must be convinced he is the right man for you. He must have done something wrong for you to come to the conclusion. The issue now is what has he done to make you terminate the relationship without considering everything you both shared in the last 18 months or the sacrifices he has made for you? If he has money would you still consider him inadequate for you? Is one of your reasons for looking outside him not because of his lack of money?
What assurances do you have, for that matter, that either of these men just coming into your life would make you happy? Would they be able to tolerate things about you that this boyfriend of yours has done? How long do you plan to date each of these men before you get the information you want from them? How do you propose to space out your time between these men or keep the other one interested while you sample the other?
And if the relationships don’t work out, how do you plan to re-engineer the interest of your former boyfriend?
There is nothing any of these men can do for you. The major task of your challenge lies on your shoulders. You must learn to be very honest with yourself instead of fishing for excuses where none exists. The truth is that you think these other men are more financially stable than your current boyfriend hence the attraction to them, to see which of them has more financial muscles to help you. You may indeed have feelings for this man but lack the patience and perseverance to stay with him to help him get to where you wished the man in your life should be.
Your major challenge is lack of truth. It will continue to be a problem until you have the boldness to confront yourself and stop the pretensions of having a principled stance when you really don’t. Be the person you are meant to be and stop playing God in your own life.
Furthermore, have a dream because that is the only way you can have a vision of who and what you are. You must have a vision of where you want to be at a particular time as well as the type of persons that will help you achieve it.
Having dated this man for 18 months, where do you place him in your vision of you? Do you think he has what you want in a man?
This has nothing to do with money like you seem to think.
You will only be happy if you learn how to do things right.
Lean more on God for His help.
Good luck.
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