Get Two Girls, Don’t Know Who To Take Home…

Dear Agatha,
I must say you are just good at what you do. I would like you to advise me on what to do. Im a 33-year old man who has been in a relationship with this particular lady for almost 10 years. We have not had sex, but sometimes we hug and kiss. I have refused to pressure her into sleeping with me and I really don’t mind.

I sometimes help her financially. But something tells me she isn’t taking me serious. I say this because she seldom keeps to whatever promise she makes. Most times, she would promise to come and visit me. I would end up waiting for her indefinitely and to make matters worse won’t even bother to call to explain her reasons for standing me up. It hurts so much as I must have given up my appointments for the day to wait for her. If I don’t call her, she won’t bother to call. All she does is to beep, and she does this if I also refuse to call her for a long time. 

When we are together, I take her to places she likes, just to make her happy. Although she likes the good things of life, the fact that she endured hardship with me when I didn’t have is one of the reasons I have stayed with her for this long because her attitude is a huge minus. 

Recently, my car tumbled three times luckily for me, I didn’t sustain any serious injury. When I called to tell her what had happened, she did not take it seriously, she thought I was joking and didn’t make any effort to see me despite living just 45 minutes drive away from where I live. She did not even call for over a month, then I stopped calling her. Sometimes she would beep, but I always ignore her prompting her to call, on a certain to inform me of her visit to my place on a day she claimed she called me but didn’t pick her call. I told her she was the problem we were having in the relationship. She decided not say anything about that.
There is this other lady I got to know when I attended a wedding. I will be honest with you that we talked for a while and exchanged numbers. Since then, she has been sending me beautiful messages, and frankly, I am beginning to fall in love with her. She calls me more often than I do. She has never asked me for a dime, but if I buy her a present she accepts. When I had the accident she was calling me two times a day to know how I was doing. I have known her for almost two years now, and have not seen a fault in her. I have limited myself to just hugs and kisses with her too. The only thing I have observed about her is that she is quiet, but does not want herself to be taken advantage of. 

She is very definite about what she wants. Unlike the first girl who refuses to enter my kitchen and more interested in what she will take from my house, the second one cooks for me. Both of them are fun to be with, I can’t say if they have other men, because I don’t want to think about it, else feel bad.

I don’t play games and don’t keep more than one lady at a time, so what do you think I should do?
Brandom.

Dear Brandom, 

If you don’t play games, then what are you doing with two women in your life? The fact that you aren’t bothered if any of them have other boyfriend shows that you are far from being honest with yourself and these women. If you are really into any of these women, you should care about their movements and relationship with other men. Your feelings for them should make you want to protect your territory. The fact that you claim not to care is an indication that there are so many missing pieces in your story. Precisely, what are the real issues?

That you are not sleeping with them doesn’t make you less guilty of double dating. The major rule of a relationship is faithfulness. For you to accuse your first girlfriend of any wrong doing, you must be free of any blame.

Frankly speaking, for you to be happy in the choice you have made, learn to be honest with yourself and the woman you end up with. If you dated the first woman for 10 years, without sleeping with her, she must understand your reasons at every interval and must be in agreement with you on it. Whatever your religious inclinations are, not asking her once for sex at the age of 33 would make most women wonder what the problem really is. If you are in the habit of kissing and hugging, the human nature especially of the man is wired to demand for sex at such close proximity. Often, it is the woman who fights off such advances. That you haven’t ever given her any reason to fight you off in the 10 years you have dated her might be one of the reasons she isn’t taking you serious, behaving indifferently to you. 

Commendable as your decisions to stay celibate, for it to make sense and be appreciated by the person you are in a relationship with, your true reasons have to be placed face up on the table at all times. You also have to continuously ensure your partner is in agreement with your reasons to ensure harmony in the relationship. 

When the woman you have dated for 10 years started misbehaving, giving you the impression that you are unserious with the whole purpose of the relationship, what did you do? Did you call her to find out what the problems are? Discussed your reasons for certain things you insist on as well as re-request her approval? The dynamism of change is such that we are constantly changing in our attitudes and thoughts.

If ten years ago, she agreed to dance your way, it doesn’t mean she would continue to dance to your tune a decade after. By now she should know where the relationship is headed for, something to tell her friends and family who naturally would be putting pressures on her to get serious. 

Having invested 10 years of her life on you, she is entitled to the truth concerning your person and attitudes. If all she is getting from you are signs of being unserious, she would naturally assume you are playing with her emotions and taking her for a fool. The fact that at the initial stage of your relationship, she was willing to endure the period of lack with you shows she had faith in you, but could have been influenced to change along the line by the signals she was getting from you. 

For her not to have come to see you after your accident underscore the presence of a more fundamental issue than you think. Ten years isn’t ten days. It is either she has completely lost interest in you and the relationship or protest against something you also did to her. It is very important you find out what her reasons are. It could also be she found out that you have been cheating on her.

Granted, she may not be a perfect person, but exonerate yourself from all these by calling her for a heart to heart talk. Going out with the other girl isn’t a solution to whatever issues you and your first girlfriend had. 

So sit her down and dialogue with her. Let her know your challenges and she yours. If you have made up your mind to end the relationship, at least tell her instead of leading her on, while you are keeping another relationship on the waiting. At this stage, it is essential you tell her everything you have against her, like her refusal to cook for you, call or even send you a text message. 

If you both had been able to take advantage of the no-sex thing to build your relationship on solid values, you both should be able to talk openly about the challenges you are facing without disturbing the foundation of your relationship. 

And if deep in your mind you know, moving on is the best thing for you, be forthright and let her know you have qualities she lacks in another woman. Make sure you end one relationship before going into another one to avoid the risk of losing the woman you may discover is the one woman who means the whole world to you. 

To avoid the problem of your past, ensure you properly discuss the issue of your celibacy with your partner, get her understanding by ensuring she appreciates your reason for it. 

It would also be very important she knows about your past, whether the decision to stay off sex came after some experiences or something you vowed to do from an early age. The woman in your life must from the beginning know the nature of the challenge is likely to face on her wedding night. You must also give her an idea of where the relationship is headed for to prevent the relationship going stale.

And unless you have a clear vision of where you are going to, you won’t be able to carry anybody along.

Good luck.

Can’t Love Fetch Jobless Man Good Girl?

Dear Agatha, 

The good Lord will continue to enrich you with wisdom as you continue to shoulder other people’s burden.
My problem has to do with my status as a job applicant. I am a young man of 27 years of age. I am from the eastern part of the country, but reside in Lagos.
I was in a relationship for five years with a lady I met while in school. I loved her so much that I always take her back even when I know she has been with other men. 

I knew it wasn’t that she didn’t love me, but was dating other men because she felt I still had a long way to go. Being schoolmates she felt after graduation, I would still have to serve the nation, search for a job, save some money before I would be ready to take on the responsibility of caring for a family. Besides, her parents, according to her, were already mounting pressure on her to settle down. She also told me that a man had already paid her bride price without her consent to a man that has the support of her parents. 

But for the grace of God, I wouldn’t have been among those who graduated because I almost lost my mind at the time.  You can therefore imagine my pains when she later confessed that all she told me were lies.  

In school, we were recognised by different bodies and organisations as best couple, which included the Student Union Government, my faculty, and department. We were the envy of everybody on campus so much so every couple desired to be like us. 

It was so funny because these people didn’t know what I was coping with in the relationship or going through in her hands. In her own way she showed me love and could be good when she wants to. 

At the moment, she is in one of the states in the Northern part of Nigeria for her National Youth Service Corps (NYSC). She has stop calling, doesn’t return my calls or text, and when she picks my calls, talks to me as if I’m a stranger. 

At the moment, it is not easy hooking up with another woman, because the moment they realise I don’t have a job they start behaving funny. Some will say they aren’t interested anymore while others don’t even bother to give any reason. This is the cross I have been carrying, because I don’t have a job.
I have actually been applying, spend most of my time surfing the Internet and praying to God! I have written series of aptitude tests. I studied Mathematics and Computer Science. Is there anyone who can employ me?
Agatha, can I still find a lady who can actually take me for who I am?
Interested ladies can reach me on 08068579633 or 07070999249 or E-mail: judenex@yahoo.com
Fred.

Dear Fred,

Life is all about perseverance. Good things don’t come easy in life most times it takes patience to get to one’s goal. 

Your life with your ex is a closed chapter. Leave it in the past and move on. From her attitude she doesn’t want to have anything to do with you anymore, wants to move on and I think you should take your cue from her. 

Granted her reasons appear cold-blooded, but the truth remains that when a man dates a woman who is his classmate, their chances of getting married is dicey for the very reasons she gave you. 

By the time she is ready to settle down, you will not be ready at all, because as a man, there are certain structures you must put in place to enjoy your marriage. 

When a woman is ready for marriage, love isn’t the only thing that matters to her, such things as the viability of the man comes to play. Except in very rare cases where the lady is really in love and ready to endure so many things with the man, in majority of cases, especially in contemporary societies, the man must first show a proof of his ability to care for a wife and child. At least to assure his in-laws of their daughter’s wellbeing that she isn’t going to suffer.  

A man must always be in a position to provide for his wife, no matter how small. At the end of the day, it is what earns him his respect as the head of his home.

There is no contesting the fact that a lot of these girls are rejecting you on account of your present status, but it also depends on the quality of women you are concentrating on. If these women fall within the age groups of those who are desperate to marry, in your present state, you don’t have anything to offer them. Hence would continue to reject you on account of this. But if they are younger with longer on the shelf lifespan, you are more likely to enjoy better reception from them. 

 At any rate, none of these women is yours. When the right woman comes your way, she would stay irrespective of what your social status is. 

Whatever you do, continue to trust God that He knows what is best for you and would at the end of the day, make things work for you. 

Good luck. 

She Doesn’t Pick My Calls

 Dear Agatha, 

 I read your advice whenever I come into contact with the Independent Newapapers titles. There’s this girl I have been seeing for the past six months. Though we appear very close but in the real sense of it we aren’t as close as I would like us to be.

She’ll not pick my calls and is always in the habit of transferring her anger to me whenever she is provoked by someone else. Recently, I was at home sleeping when she left for a party. 

Don’t know what to do about her.

Martins.

Dear Martins, 

Take each day as it comes. You are both just beginning to discover the content inside the package. What you have been dating in the last six months is the package which you obviously fell in love with. 

Whatever you feel for her will have to go through distilling through the process of knowing her content to help you probably gauge your true feelings for her. 

At this stage, you must be honest and practical. It is the stage initial attraction gives way to reality; to sacrifices and choices; now that you are getting to know the stuff she is made of, do you think you can cope with her through the rest of your life? Do you still consider her packaging as being attractive or just a smokescreen to conceal the ugliness you now find her to be?

In critiquing her be mature enough to admit to your own limitations because we each come with factory-made defects and manuals we are often too lazy to read until we become too set to do anything about self- reformation. 

To appreciate her kind of person, you must have willingness to make things work for you and around you. The success of this relationship would depend on the passion you are ready to invest in it. If you are the kind that is unwilling to do some sorts of investments, you may never really get the kind of woman you want.

Now that you know she has an insensitive temper, one that doesn’t discriminate who gets her venom, do you love her enough to stay around and make her see the harm she is doing to herself as well as the pains she is causing to people who really love her by her habit of transferring aggression to others?

She may not know how deep her attitude is hurting others around her, but your determination could help her just as it would help her learn to put the interest of others before hers.

If you intend having anything permanent with her, begin now to reject those things you will not and never tolerate from her. Don’t allow fear of losing her prevent you from putting your foot down where necessary. Leaving you at home and attending a party isn’t right. The earlier you told her those things you cannot tolerate the better for both of you.

If after all this, she persists in her behaviour, it might be best you take your leave of the relationship to prevent the greater calamity of going through a bitter divorce.

Good luck.

Can You Get Me A Good Girl?

 Dear Agatha, 

Very big thanks for all the good work you have been doing. May the good Lord shower His blessings on you especially in this New Year.

I am in my final year in school, but finds it really hard to keep a girl as I very much believe that every girl has a price, and since then clubbing, partying and using girls have all been an integral part of me; a habit I really want to stop since I have got to that point in my life when I really want to settle down with a good and responsible girl.

Can you hook me up with anyone? My number is 08064866626.

Bright.

Dear Bright, 

In the first place, I don’t run a harem, so I don’t have anyone I can hook you up with. But beyond that is the issue of your attitude to women. It is not just enough waking up and believing that you have got to a stage in life when you require a responsible woman in your life. 

Relationship is more than that. You have to learn first to be responsible to be able to recognise it in another person because what you don’t have, you cannot give. Therefore you must first clear your act before thinking of settling down with a woman.

Because you have had so many women in your life; your perception of responsibility may be different from the definition of others so, the first thing is to get your priorities right. In your mind, what constitutes responsibility? How would you know a woman who is responsible judging from the fact that you lack the experience to deal with one?

You have to know what responsibility means to you first and foremost to guard against you hurting any woman who comes into your life now. Have you given up all the partying and clubbing? What about all the other girls you have used? Are they still part of your life? To keep a responsible lady by your side, you must begin by giving up your old habits. There is no way a woman would take you very seriously in your present state. 

To make your relationship with any woman coming into your life now work, there are certain vital steps you must take; the most important being; changing of your social orientation completely. For your sake and that of the woman; you must be willing to make sacrifices. It is the level of your sacrifices that will determine how compatible you and your new woman would be. 

She will definitely make her own sacrifices, but the most must come from you, else you may not get the right motivation from your woman. What most men don’t know is that in majority of the cases, women get their lead from men. If a woman discovers her man to be the irresponsible type, the kind who doesn’t care, no matter how much she tries, overtime too, she will begin an unconscious process of protecting herself from pains and disappointments by putting up defensive walls around herself. This is why as the head of the relationship; you must provide her with the right kind of leadership to keep her happy and functional. 

It is only after you have done this that you recognise a responsible woman; one you will want to spend the rest of your life with.

Good luck.

 

I Want To Marry A Married Man

Dear Agatha, 

I am 25 years old and ripe enough for marriage. I have always prayed for a good, lovely, God fearing and caring husband, a man who will love me unconditionally. My mother had always warned me against getting involved with another woman’s husband. As a matter of fact, she said it was the only way my prayers would be answered. 

Some months after my discussion with my mother, I came across this guy who is caring, loving and handsome, though he is not rich, he is okay and has a future. I won’t say he is God fearing because I later discovered he has a wife. 

I only got to know about the wife when she called me to warn me to stay away from her man. I was confused because he never mentioned having a wife and child. When I asked him, he at first denied but later admitted when he realized that I was determined at getting to the bottom of the matter. It was at that point he told me about the lack of peace in his home; that the woman pretended to be good until they got married. 

I feel for that woman but I happen to be in love with this guy who is the first real love of my life. As a matter of fact, he deflowered me.

Agatha, even though I made a vow not to marry a married man, this man is desperate to marry another woman, which means, if I decline, he would still marry another woman. If he marries another woman, his wife would suffer.  

Worried Lady.

Dear Worried Lady, 

The position you have found yourself in is very unfortunate. In the first place this man lacks the credentials to be truthful to any woman. That he is having issues with his wife isn’t a good enough reason for him to lie to you about his marital status. If he can deceive you into dating him and giving him the pride of your womanhood, he is also capable of lying about the nature of his wife. 

At any rate, when did engaging in an affair become the panacea to troubled marriages? It has never been and will never be a solution. Rather, it only complicates the entire situation just like he has created complications for you in your own life as well as in his own marriage. Who would be happy knowing that her man is cheating on her? Not many women have the tolerance to accommodate and deal with the knowledge of their husband’s infidelity. It takes a special kind of grace for a woman not to react with violence. 

Had he told you the truth from the beginning, you would have at least known what you were going into but his lies forced you into a situation you ordinarily wouldn’t have been involved in. This could also be the situation with the wife at home. While it is true some women do overdo things at times but given the little knowledge you have of this man, he appears to be looking for an excuse to mask his behaviour. 

Honestly, there is nothing you can do to help someone who is unwilling to own up to the truth about himself. First, he must be sincere in telling you what the real issues are with his marriage instead of heaping all the blame on his wife. What are his contributions to the current behaviour of his wife? How did they both get to this point? Has she always been like that? Are you his first extramarital affair? What sort of husband and father is he?

If he is irresponsible and dishonest, there is no way his wife will not complain or make trouble at home. It would be unnatural for her to keep quiet if her husband is failing in his responsibilities at home? In her shoes, you and I would probably do the same thing. If this is what he classifies as being the fault of his wife, then he isn’t being fair to her. What story would you be telling if he had gotten you pregnant the first time he slept with you? How would he have expected you to behave when the truth about his marital status came in the open? Applaud him and celebrate the lies he told you? Would he be right to call you a nag and a problem to him? There is something he must have done to make his home uncomfortable; that is if he is telling the truth.

At any rate, if he is tired of the marriage, he should be bold enough to say so and begin the process of ending it. It is the least he can do; not migrate from one woman to the other simply because he is looking for a reason to hurt the wife the way he thinks the wife has hurt him. 

What if the new woman turns out to be worse than his current wife, would he also leave her in limbo and go for another woman?

If you really want to stay around this man to help him focus more on his wife and marriage, you must ensure you stifle every emotional feeling you have for him. Dating him when you didn’t know he has a family is one thing, sleeping with him now that you know would be totally wrong and unfair to this woman you say you want to help.

Even if he is determined to end the marriage, resist being used as a tool to achieve his aim. By letting him know what your new position is to the relationship, you set the records straight as well as define what your new position would be in his life – that of a concerned friend determined to help him find the happiness he is longing for in the arms of other women.

To do this, you must understand his nature. Get him to talk about his childhood and person. It is also pertinent you get him to talk about his relationship with his wife before and after marriage. This talk will give you an idea of what he thought then and now thinks of his wife. Encourage him to talk about the high points of their union as well as the low points. Also, it will help you to hear all about his regrets; what he misses most from his bachelor days. It is also necessary you know for how long they have been married and when things became unbearable for both of them.

Ask him what efforts he has made to positively change the situation of things in his home. 

His answers if truthful will help you in determining how best to intervene in their marriage. To do a good job, you must resist the urge to take sides with him as well as have an open mind about his wife. 

By learning to put yourself in her shoes, you will have a clear picture of what to say to her husband and the pressures to put on him to make him see reason with you. One question you must keep asking him is what he intends to do if the next woman turns out to be as, or even more, troublesome than his current wife. He has to be reminded that no situation or body is perfect and that perfection comes from a willingness and passion to accommodate.

No matter how unwholesome the situation in his family is, if he has the right attitude and believes in his marriage and the vows he took on the day he married that woman, he will do anything to make it work.

Also, there is the need for you to remind him of his responsibility to the innocent child. Even if he has an issue with the woman, what about that child, whose future would be affected by his decisions to play around with other women? 

However, having slept with this man, you must be careful not to compromise yourself again by avoiding situations where both of you are isolated. Whatever help you have to offer him must be done in the open where the presence of other people can moderate your feelings and urges. 

Good luck.