Tuesday, May 7, 2013

My foul temper is becoming my bane

Dear Agatha, I am a single mother who had issues with the father of my child. I talked to him rudely when I perceived he wasn’t serious about committing himself to his child and I. Irrespective of his faults, the foulness of my anger made us split. I started another relationship which has also packed up because of the same foul anger. I was rude and like in my previous relationship, talked rudely to this one too. He also couldn’t handle it and left. How can I deal with this as it is affecting me badly? Temperamental Woman. Dear Temperamental Woman, Anger is a deadly spirit which if not contained can destroy one’s life forever. Particularly for a woman, anger can become her bane in life. Nothing and nobody will ever favor her because of it. This is because a woman is structured by God to be cool in temperament. Granted, the tongue of the average woman is faster than her brain, monumental anger as you have described can destroy her completely. No man, no matter how much he loves a woman, will ever be able to keep her in his life as a result of the many damaging things her anger can cost him. If you are not careful, you will never get a man who will keep you in his house. Since you have come to the realization that you have a terrible temper, your battle is half won. The concern now is to find out why you have such a terrible temper. Does it run in your family; something you might have inherited from your mother or father? What kind of temper does your mother or women in her family have? Is there someone in your family tree with that kind of bad temper? If you cannot recall anyone, ask your mother if still alive or anyone who should know. If there is someone with your kind of temper, investigate how he or she ended. Importantly, is how the person managed the temper. If the person is still alive, strive to meet with the person to unearth how the person came about it. And if it is a general family trait, you need to break it fast else you will be the worst for it. One thing about such foundational problem is, it picks one person from every generation to deal with the most. Since you are already suffering from the damaging consequences if the outcome of your relationships is anything to go by, you need more than prayers to defeat it. You need a very strong deliverance because the spirit of anger can cut short one’s joy or life for that matter. It will continue to deprive you of life’s joy so much so, it will make people who should ordinarily help you, keep you at a safe distance. Nobody wants to be messed up. As you are already experiencing, you will continue to forfeit promising relationships because of it. The father of your child would have married you but for this temper of yours. It can be scary not knowing what you would do or say when caught in the web of anger. Every man desires security and respect from his wife at all times. You need a strong deliverance pastor to make it pass over you so you don’t end your life as a single mother. If yours is an isolated case, when did you notice it? As a child, what kind of temperament did you have? How many friends do you have? If you never had it as a child, something must have happened way back to necessitate it. It could be a disappointment or suppressed anger you didn’t allow to take its full course. Can you remember anything that occured to make you want to constantly lash out on the society, your friends and family? Can you recall what in particular stimulates your anger? Have you ever tried to fight the urge to control your temper? Is your anger only targeted at the men in your life? How do you relate with your siblings, family members or friends? You must learn whenever you are angry, is to walk away from any situation that will make you lose your temper. Ask for the grace to fight it. Walking out on your boyfriend immediately you sense an unpleasant situation brewing, will help you put a latch on your temper. If you must react, do it when you are alone. Shout at an empty room, break something if that will help but, make sure you don’t have an audience. With the kind of temper you described, you have to channel it somewhere, something intangible, like a throw pillow, even a wine glass thrown at the wall can reduce a very nasty temper. It is simply a matter of you controlling your temper and not it telling you what to do. Also learn to apologise when you are calm to the people you hurt when angry. Beg for help and understanding in managing your anger from your friends and family. Let them appreciate that you are making efforts to fight your problem and that it is something you cannot do on your own without their help. Once you are able to convince one person to stand by you, that person will become your advocate, pleading with others to tolerate you. Whatever your challenge may be; keep praying for help from above to end it. It is a matter of you being determined to fight your temper if not for your sake but, for that child of yours you love so much. That child must not grow up to emulate your kind of temper. Good luck

I want to go back to school but he wants marriage

Dear Agatha, There is this man I am dating; he is an artist and plans to marry me but I want to further my education to improve myself. This man loves me so much and has introduced me to some of his family members. He spends on me and I am the only one in his life. What should I do? Ayisat. Dear Ayisat, What precisely is your problem? Is he opposed in any way to your going back to school? Have you discussed your desire to further your education with him and is he saying it would affect his plans to marry you? Every reasonable man desires progress for his woman; and I am sure your boyfriend won’t be an exception to the rule. Nothing prevents you from having a good education and husband. It is simply a matter of you planning your time and knowing which one at any particular time needs your attention the most. It is called joggling the balls of one’s life with wisdom. This is the lot and secret of so many successful women; multi tasking. You must never allow the weight to be heavily tilted to one side of the scale in order not to upset the balance of things. The scale of things must be equally balanced at all times to ensure your life, romance, home are all working perfectly. Therefore, from this early, you must learn how to stabilize every facet of your life. Call your boyfriend and discuss your plans to further your education. Although there is nothing stopping both of you from getting married, if that is what he wants now, but discussing it will enable both of you, especially you, sit on the option that is best. There is no mystery to a successful relationship as long as both parties have what it takes to drive it to full accomplishment. And one of the tools is effective communication at all times. There is no way he can know how you feel or what you have in your mind if you don’t come clean with it. Besides, he may have one or two ideas that could help improve whatever plans you have. In addition, the essence of having a relationship is to have someone to discuss ideas and dreams with. So, tell him about it. Between both of you, you will definitely come to a viable agreement on how to move from this point. Compromise is what both of you need at this important junction of your lives. But be sure, your love is deep, not nurtured by the money you are getting from him. Once you have true feelings for each other, everything will work out fine. Good luck

He’s still attached to his ex

Dear Agatha, I am in love with a man whom I think doesn’t feel the same way about me. He rarely calls; always claiming to be busy. I just found out that he is still dating his former girlfriend because she threatened to deal with him if he thinks of leaving her. The lady is connected in his college. He is in his final year in medical school. He says I should tolerate the situation until he graduates when he will be able to cut the bond between him and this lady. I am contemplating forcing him to choose between the two of us because he can’t eat his cake and have it. What do you think? I am 21. He is all I want in a man. I really love him, but I want to be careful, so that it doesn’t appear as if I am selling myself cheaply to him. Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, What kind of influence does this lady have over him? Why should the fact that she is well connected and in a position to spoil things for him bother him? Or does she have information about him that is capable of damaging his entire dream of becoming a medical doctor? If this is the case, even if he graduates from the college of medicine, this woman has the advantage of using her information to destroy him either now or in the future. The implication is; unless she is tired of him, ready to move on with another man, your boyfriend will never be free to have a life of his own. This is why you should be curious to know why he feels incapable to move on with you now. He has to take you into confidence, tell you the choices before you, if you elect to endure the situation with the other woman. Make him understand that enduring the situation isn’t the big challenge for you, but you knowing why you are doing it. In addition, the power the other woman seems to hold over him must be very strong for him to go back to her after approaching you for a relationship. Refusing to discuss or acknowledge it will definitely affect the quality of your relationship in the future. He simply has to learn to trust you with the nature of their relationship. As for you staying, the decision is yours to make. It is your life and your dream. While some relationships are worth fighting for, others are simply not worth it. Our experiences in life incubate patience as well as our maturity in handling certain personal matters. At 21, what kind of experiences do you have to play second fiddle to another woman in the attention of your man? What makes you think he has the qualities you need in a man to be happy? Have you the maturity to look beyond his appearance to his nature as a man? Good looks alone don’t paint a relationship with the colours of success. It takes more than the qualities you think he has to give a woman the drive to make a relationship work. One thing is non-negotiable: respect. No matter where a man is, who he is with, he must at all times revere the woman in his life. If at this early stage in your relationship, he doesn’t feel the excitement to call, know how you are faring, what would happen when your relationship has developed into a pattern? This is one sign for the woman with a discerning mind to ponder on. A woman’s best days are wrapped in her relationships, when men court her attention and interest. If you are the one running round the clock to attract his attention, then you might want to consider what this relationship would feel some years down the road. No matter how busy a man gets, the thought of his new relationship overshadows everything. The fact that he gives the excuse of being busy not to call you means you are not exactly the prime person on his scale of preference. That means there is another person in his life who occupies that important place. You therefore have the option of staying and enduring whatever you get from him or leaving him to find happiness somewhere else. Relationship is about joint ideas or dreams. He may be your ideal man, but he has to be convinced that you are his ideal lady. That is the only time you can enjoy this relationship. Whatever you are doing now without this man being sure that you are worth the risk or sacrifice, you may not get the best of him and this relationship. Like I said, the choice is ultimately yours to stay or not. Good luck!

I don’t want to marry a white woman

Dear Agatha, God bless you for what you are doing in the lives of many people. I am a young man of 29 years of age but not in any relationship. I will be traveling out of the country to join my brother in business. Please, advice me on what to do because I don’t want to marry a white woman. Worried Man. Dear Worried Man, Why are you preempting fate? You may not want to marry a white lady but if God has decreed otherwise, you cannot stop it from happening. Besides, there are black women every where in the world. Gone are the days when a particular race dominated a particular part of the world: globalisation of the world means every nationality is represented in every space of the earth. You can get your choice of women from whatever part of the world you live. Besides, the internet and enhanced telecommunication facilities make it easier these days to conduct a long distant relationship from any part of the world. But if you feel so strongly about not marrying a native of your host country, you can begin something with a woman after your heart while you are still here and continue even when you are in your host country. It is a matter of you being faithful to her by calling her as frequently as you can afford. But we know that once couples part and one of them goes abroad, the necessity to stay alive often than not, comes between them. Usually men go into fake marriages to circumvent migration laws and requirements of their host countries. Usually the woman left behind, is the one that suffers the emotional torture of having a husband who lives abroad but cannot come home to be with her or ask her over. Is this an alternative you want to try? However, rather than worry about a future you cannot predict, why not concentrate on the business at hand; that of going abroad to learn the ropes of your brother’s kind of business? There is no way you can combine business and romance. One would have to wait for the other. Particularly, as you are going into a strange land to learn; this itself, is a major challenge of cultural integration. You may not have the time to sustain a relationship especially in the early months as you would be too busy getting to adjust to your environment, learning how to do business in the country as well as learning the ropes of the business your brother wants you to help out with. Chances are, you may not be romantically inclined for about six months as a result of all the issues that await a foreigner in a strange land. By the time you are ready, you would have settled sufficiently to allow nature do its work of match-making. So, take the step of going there first before worrying about who becomes your bride. Rather than limit your focus to the colour of the skin of the woman, ask God to give you a woman who will always make you happy irrespective of the situation. Pray God gives you a good wife to help you become who you have always wanted to be. Of what use is a marriage to a woman with the right pigmentation of skin but has the worst kind of character? Which would you rather have? A woman’s character builds her home. This is most important than the colour of her skin. Good luck.

Who do I settle for?

Dear Agatha, I am a man of 30 years of age, and about to settle down in life but, I am being been confronted with the problem of whom to choose from among my many female friends who are actually all very close to me. Candidly, I have about five female friends to choose from; the reason I am at this crossroad. Kindly lend me your professional advice. Wiszy. Dear Wiszy, Five women? What are you doing with the whole lot of them? No serious minded man surrounds himself with too many women. For a man planning to grow and go far in life, having too many women in his life can be a very huge distraction; the kind you are currently having, in making the right choice of a wife. Many promising future have been doomed by the inability of a man to either surround himself with the right people or have too many women contending for attention in his life. First you have to decide what works for you in life. A man is as good as the kind of life he plans for himself. Nobody but you can make the decision of what is good for you. There is no easy way to it. First, you must have a clear vision of the kind of life you want for yourself. This is where you kick-start the process of selecting the kind of woman who has what it takes to propel you to your zenith. Who are you? The fact alone of having five women in your life, means you are even confused on who you really are. There is no knowing what is good for you if you, who have the future, is ignorant on what you really want from it. The fault isn’t in the women in your life but, yours. If at your age you are already swimming among many women; what will you do when you are well established? What kind of legacy do you want to bequeath to your children; the kind that will see them in constant rivalry among themselves because of the influences of their mothers or the kind that will give them the kind of lifestyle worth emulating? You are only a caretaker for your children, the reason you should not mortgage their future for your own selfish ends. Children are perfect copy machines. They soak in whatever their parents are doing; good or bad. What you do becomes their examples. As a father, how would you feel seeing your son waste his life chasing after women? Beyond the thrills of their bodies, what are you benefiting from having these women in your life? Have you also considered the fact that these women are all hoping you would marry them and that they are investing their time on this relationship you know won’t take them anywhere with you? Hell has no fury like a woman scorned. The longer you keep them, the more you devalue the quality of their shelf lifespan. Because of you, they would have turned down viable relationships. How do you think they would react when they discover you never planned to settle down with them? If you are 30, it means the women are between 24 and 28 years of age; the critical age group a young woman fetches the cleanest water for her tomorrow. Where do you expect them to start from in a relationship market that is getting more competitive by the day? This is how some men inherit spiritual problems they never recover from throughout their lives. From all the five women in your life, who has what it takes to constantly oil the engine room of your life? Bear in mind that physical appearance isn’t the right barometer for selecting a good wife. There are more important things in marriage than good looks. A woman must have the right kinds of shocks to make her marriage work at all times. She must be ready to make certain kinds of sacrifices for her husband, home and family. She must be understanding, respectful, supportive, prayerful, loyal, responsible and wise. She must also be a good homemaker and cook. Her beauty must come from within and not just the physical only. She must have what it takes to be her husband’s best friend and worthy partner in every area of his life. Who among your women can be all these? Who without you saying it, knows when you are happy, troubled or just need that quiet companionship? Who can make you relax and smile inspite of yourself? Who among them has the right temperament, will no matter what; put your feelings first before reacting to an issue; who has the restraint not to overreact in public? The choice of a right woman isn’t something to treat with levity or do with the canal mind. You must seek the face of God in this matter. It doesn’t matter if you know how to pray or not, focus on God to get it right. A great deal of what we get from marriage is dependent on what we are ready to invest in making the right choice. As a man looking for a wife, you must be ready too to invest respect and responsibility to sustain the right woman. Good luck.