Does Success In Marriage Obey Tribal Bias?

Dear Agatha,

I have been reading your column with great interest for sometime now.

There is this notion that some tribes are a no-go-area (dangerous zone) when it comes to love and marriage. For instance there is this thinking that Bini women are either wicked or diabolical irrespective of whether or not they come from Christian families or not. 

What then is or are the options for someone in a situation like, one in love?

Ebi.

 

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Dear Ebi,

True love has no creed, colour, tribe or biases whatsoever. When it happens it doesn’t discriminate against the feelings of the two people involved.

However, certain influences and submission have made love very subjective. For instance, there is no where in the world where there is a draught of wicked people. Right from the beginning of time, wickedness has reigned supreme yet this has not stopped people from getting married and having children.

Africa, Nigeria in particular, is not without its fair share of wicked people in high places. It is particularly bad in Nigeria where too many sentiments, ethnicity as well as nepotism have been allowed to take over our fair sense of judgement in very crucial matters.

We are products of a wicked world, wicked ancestry as well as nefarious foundation. What makes the difference is our own resolution over the path we want to tread in life. So also is our relationship with God.

If you place all that you have heard about a particular set of people forward in your choice of a live partner, you might end up never getting married or getting any woman for that matter to marry you. This is because there is no tribe or people in the world that haven’t been stigmatised. So when we stand in judgement against other people; it means we are pointing accusing fingers at each other endlessly and needlessly.

If love is what you feel, don’t listen to the voice of people but the language of your heart. What is your heart telling you about your love? What are the qualities that make her so outstanding and endearing to you? What is the tribe of her character? Of the happiness she brings into your life or the peace you get being with her?
Do these things make you absolutely happy at being a man?

When you compare her with all the other girls you have dated or know; what conclusions do you come up with? Do you see yourself aging gracefully together and is she the friend you need to be wholesome?

These are values you should focus more on. Simply because someone decides to brand one or your ancestors as being wicked or fetish doesn’t mean something good and beautiful cannot come out of you.

The heart of the person you are in love with is what matters most. Many people who today are powerful servants of God have foundations that emanated in occult and very fetish practices.

Not even the western world despite its mental and technological advancement is without such practices. If worship centres devoted to devil flourish in such societies, how much more in a society such as ours which is still struggling to define religion?

Don’t lose the chance because of what others say or think, you may lose the opportunity of being happy in an institution where most people are unhappy.

Rather than listen to the voice of men, take your case to God and listen only to what He tells you on this matter.

Good luck. 

He’s Pompous, Even To My Parents

Dear Agatha

I am 25 years of age dating a 30-year old guy. I love and cherish him but his attitude puts me off. He doesn't talk to people in the compound we live and even refuses to greet my parents. If I demand to know why he puts up that attitude, especially towards my parents, he would ask me if I have parents. To avoid trouble, I would simply allow the words wash over me.

Agatha, do you think he would change?

Concerned Lady.

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Dear Concerned Lady,

At 30! I doubt it very much. At his age, he is old enough to know what is good or not. At his age, he doesn’t need anybody to remind him of the basic social etiquette. Any person properly schooled in moral and social values know that elders must be treated with reverence at all times.

More so if the elders in questions are the parents of the one we claim to love. There is no way he can claim to love you without recognising the position of your parents (his potential in-laws) in your life. This is not negotiable irrespective of whatever reasons he may have for not greeting your parents.

If he loves you as much as you say, he would never, not matter what, treat your parents the way he is doing.

One thing is for someone to be reserved but another thing altogether if that person’s behaviour bothers on rudeness. He has no right to ask you that question about your parents. Even if your parents are the worst kind of human beings on earth, the most humble, he has no right to debase them the way he is doing. If he is demonstrating this type of contempt for your parents now when he is supposed to be showing them respect, what would happen if he goes ahead to marry you? Do you think he would ever welcome your parents to your house or give them the recognition they deserve as the people who brought you into this world? Would he be able to endure the disrespect as time goes on?

To be fair to him, he is giving you all the time in the world to know what you are getting into. He is not pretending to be who he is not so there is no way you can pretend or complain that he deceived you into anything.

The choice is yours; to either continue with a man who has no grain of respect for you or leave him for good. You are the one wearing the shoes; you know your limits. Therefore, do you think you have the emotional ability to cope with him or his behavior? Mind you, he might not change because after a certain age change becomes almost impossible for us to make. At 30, it might be difficult if not impossible to do away with a habit he has kept for three decades. It is like asking him to go for a complete mental surgery; he is like a dried fish and any attempt to exact too much pressure on him might make you lose him completely especially if you are certain about him being the most important person in your life.

Since he has not concealed from you this attitude of his, the ball is in your court to either continue to stomach his obvious rudeness to you and the persons of your parents or to develop the thick skin to ignore him.

If you do decide to continue with him, you must put mental structures in place to deal with this aspect of him. The first thing you do is to learn to ignore him absolutely and to plead with your parents to also pretend he doesn’t exist by alerting them on this major defect in his character. Warning them would make them not take him serious and stop them from getting agitated over his attitude.

You also have to prepare for the possibility of him insisting you adopt his life-style of keeping to himself. Marriage is a life time journey hence the need to be very serious when deciding who you spend the rest of your life with. With a man like yours, you must go the extra mile in thoughts because you would suffer the consequences of any ill-conceived decision. If you don’t begin from now to weigh all your options with the seriousness they deserve; situations may arise later in life which you may not be able to cope with.

Like I said, he has given you enough room to navigate; for this reason it would be totally out of place for you to weep over any unpleasant development in the future.

Your decision on him would determine whether you need to work on your shock absorbers or not. If your verdict is to stay on with him, do the wise thing of making up your mind to expect the worst; a situation wherein he forbids you the freedom to continue to visit your parents at will. Although it may seem far-fetched now but it could happen in the future. And unless you have prepared your mind now; you may never be able to cope with the shock of being denied the freedom to visit your parents as you like or be able to forgive him of the offence.

This is where you have to solicit the extra grace from God to be able to smile and continue to be yourself in this relationship. When you have the grace of God; apparently difficult things or people become possible. Therefore you need to focus on those areas of his person as well as attitude that would enable you cope with him. For instance what quality has he in abundance; something that swallows up the irritations but also very scarce in another man? Sincerely speaking you need something extra outstanding about him to be able to continue with him especially when the bile builds at his treatment of your folks.

Because we all need emotional equilibrium in our lives as well as relationships, don’t take a decision without first considering all the issues involved because you would have to live with the decisions as well as regrets of anything hasty.

To help, go to God in prayers to avert a major emotional disaster later in life.

Good luck.