Friday, April 23, 2010

Pregnant While Helping Her In Holland


Dear Agatha 
I am 37 years of age, hoping to get married any moment from now. In my bid to make ends meet and enhance the living condition of my family, I travelled to Holland in search for economic empowerment. 

Agatha, one of my worst fears in life is to expose my children to undue sufferings due to lack of proper planning on my part. To this end, I fear getting married without first putting in place the right kinds of structures that would ensure continued flow of steady income. 

Because things were difficult for me in the early years of my life, I could not go beyond primary six despite my love for education. Because of my educational limitations I dreamt of getting married to a lady who is well educated to help our children and me achieve our desires in life. 

Back in Holland, I enjoyed helping Nigerian girls that are deceived into coming to that country but later forced into prostitution. I always help those who do not want to engage in the trade back home. It makes me happy to be of help. 

There was one particular crying bitterly at being forced into prostitution. Out of pity, I tried to help get back to Nigeria, but ran foul of the secret laws of those who brought her to that country. Because of the amount of money they spend into bringing these girls to the country, they can do anything and go to any length in dealing with people like me who try to help these girls back home. They can go as far as killing or setting the person up for a crime the person didn’t commit. 

I was able to take this girl away from them having lived in the country for a long time, but since her passport was with them, she couldn’t immediately travel back to Nigeria. Hence I allowed her stay with me for two months to enable me gather money to pay her way back to Nigeria as well as get her some things back home. 

While she was with me, I tried to be a gentleman, but she was a great temptation especially as she felt she owed me for what I did for her. I couldn’t resist her open invitation any longer, so capitulated to her invitation. That led to her getting pregnant. We tried to get rid of the pregnancy by injecting her, it didn’t work, and so I asked her to keep it. I sent her home to Nigeria where again she saw a doctor who also advised her to keep the pregnancy. When she told me what the doctor said, I concurred.

Since I couldn’t leave her in that situation alone, I came back to the country to see her and her family members. They tried to convince me to marry her, but I made my stance on the issue of marriage very clear. I told them I was only interested in the baby, and would take care of her until she is strong. She supported me because she knows the situation wasn’t my fault. 

Apart from not being dark, the kind of women that turn me on, I am better than her in terms of education. Unlike me, she didn’t get to primary six; she stopped at primary four or five. 

Frankly, this is where the real problem is. She is beautiful and I am sure she loves me. I don’t hate her, can’t hate the mother of my son even if I wanted to. Just that I don’t have enough feelings to make me want to spend the rest of my life with her. 

Besides, at 23, I feel she is too young for me, not the kind of age I need in marriage. 

In all honesty, she is still hoping I would change my mind about marrying her, but the issue is I have tried my best to make my dream of marrying an educated woman come true. What I don’t know is if this girl is the will of God for me. I am so confused because I need an educated woman in my life. 

Andrew.


Dear Andrew, 

It takes a special kind of love for you to find an educated woman who would marry a man who has very limited education.  Frankly, it is easier for a man to marry an uneducated woman than for a woman to marry an uneducated man. This is because the society expects the man to be better, in the position to lift his wife up and not the other way round.     

It isn’t everyman that gets that lucky because the average woman is looking for a man who can shoulder her responsibilities.

The mistake you made is not going further on your study after you started to work. For someone who has a passion for quality education, you didn’t exhibit it at all. That your father couldn’t sponsor your education beyond primary six isn’t excuse for you to have allowed yourself stagnate educationally. You could have enrolled in one of the adult education classes to improve yourself. 

If you don’t think it is too late and ashamed to liberate the restriction to your happiness you think your lack of education has imposed, you still can improve on yourself by studying at home and writing external examinations. All you have to do is get the current syllabus from any secondary school near you to help you know the relevant books to read. What you need in cases like this is undiluted determination. 

And if you think you can’t summon the courage to, you can encourage the mother of your son to, if lack of education is the only reason you don’t want to marry her. Having good education isn’t as rigid as you are making it appear to be. It is achievable no matter the age of the person seeking it. Hence unwise is the decision to make it the foundation of your relationship. 

At 37, you are not getting younger and while good education is of utmost advantage, it is neither a key to marital happiness nor does it determine the quality of care and attention a woman gives her family. These things are natural to a woman. 

It doesn’t take education for a human to be humble, caring, understanding, supportive and tolerant of the excesses of her mate. These come from the values that are important to her and whom she really is.

You may have the desire to marry an educated woman but have you thought about the essentials? Do you think you have what it takes to marry one? What if you end up with an educated woman who is arrogant? How do you plan to curtail her? Would you have the guts to act as the man especially if the woman knows this little weakness of yours? Would you be able to effectively act as her leader in the relationship?

Sincerely, if there is anytime for you to think reality, it is now. That child didn’t ask to be born. It didn’t instigate you sleeping with the mother on the day you did. If your excuses of preferring darker women were that intense, you would have been able to resist the temptation this woman offered you on that day.

That you capitulated makes this reason sound as an excuse from someone seeking one. Have you thought of why this baby couldn’t be aborted both in Holland and here? God often uses our so called wise ways to portray how stupid we really are at the end of the day. 

God is God and knows what is best for us. When issues become this cloudy, it is always advisable for one to return to God in prayers and total submission to His will. That boy needs his parents to be happy, to make you very proud as well as escape the suffering you don’t want for your children. 

A time would come in your life when what you price as important now would become very insignificant, when you would take stock of your decisions and regret the costs and pains you are enduring as a result of those decision; when you would seek approval and friendship of your son and would find nothing of him to hold on to because of the pains your decisions cost him at his early age. 

Nobody can care for this child like both of you. She needs you to be happy and you need your son to be regarded as a complete man. 

For now, don’t foreclose the chance of having her in your life. Allow God to lead you right. Explain to her what you are going through while pleading for time for you to fully resolve this inner conflict. She would understand better than you throwing back her love for you on her face without considering her feelings. It would do you a world of good to remember that there is a fine line between love and hatred and once a woman crosses over to the hate side; even hell would be preferable for the man who is her target. 

Just be human and reasonable to her to prevent you from losing the first fruit of your manhood to her. Take time out to date and court her properly to be sure you know what you are doing.

Good luck.  

Marathon Sex: Any Stamina In Pills?


Dear Agatha,

I must really thank you for all the uncountable problems you have been solving through your column. God will bless you.

I have had sex with only two girls in my life, my ex and my current girlfriend. When I started having sex with my ex, I usually came too quickly in my first round and I would lose my erection. But after a minute or two I would gain it back and end up satisfying her just as she satisfied me. 

But with my new girl, the reverse is the case. After my first round which I usually came too quick, 30 seconds, I find it hard to gain back my erection. My partner finds it frustrating as this has happened a couple of times. She has severally also tried to help me gain back my erection after my awful start, but all her efforts always end as failure. 

I am now thinking of going on sex enhancing pills to go marathon. Please I need your help, as this has never happened until now.

Tochi.


Dear Tochi, 

No two persons are alike. What works with one person may not work with another person. Simply because your first girlfriend can resuscitate you after going down in the first few seconds of your having sex with her doesn’t mean the next woman can. 

You both must understand each other’s body as well as psychological well being to enjoy intimacy together. 

Again, it also depends on what sex means to both of you. There is a whole world of difference between a couple having sex and the one making love. 

Every living creature has sex, but only humans have the ability to translate sex into lovemaking. No matter how wide our experiences are the ability to patent our performance is what gives the act excitement with the person we share intimacy with at any particular moment. 

That your first girlfriend could cope doesn’t mean any other woman can cope with the situation. The problem here seems to be your refusal to get acquitted with the package, that is your new woman. Trying to import your experiences from your previous relationship into your new one would not work at all. 

For there is to be union between your bodies and souls, you both must first share your previous experience in sex with each other, your challenges as well as your advantages and preferences. 

When a man and woman decide to sleep with each other, all pretences and condemnations must be left outside the bedroom. At the point two adults decide to strip before each other, even if both are coming with zero experiences, it is a point of no return, where both must face the journey they have elected to go together with naked honesty. 

To achieve premium performance you and your new girlfriend must first share your limitations. Let her know you have a problem of sustainability of erection beyond 60 seconds. Share with her your former experiences and how you overcame it. Listen to her story too and how you can help her overcome it as well. 

The next step is to discover each other’s erotic zones before the act. The best way is to explore through touch. In the bedroom, shyness is considered an abomination; hence the couple should be free to explore each other’s body like a book. The gain of such examination is the amount of satisfaction that follows afterwards during the real act. It makes it easier for the other person to know when to come in with help aids for better performance. 

For instance, if your partner knows your other erotic zones aside the one you are used to, it would be beneficial to both of you. Let her begin from the crown of your head to the sole of your feet. By the time she finishes her exploration, both of you would have discovered more exciting zones on your body than you previously thought. You should also perform the same ritual on her. 

With this knowledge, you armed yourself with useful information on how to help each other achieve better sexual performance. Outside the exploration, you also need helpful insights from books to upgrade your performance. It is often wrong and very presumptuous for men especially to assume they know it all. Like every venture in life, lovemaking must be symbiotic to achieve its goal in a relationship. 

Unless you have a medical problem, which you must first clear with the doctor, the only sex enhancing pill you need to perform at premium level, is to be liberal minded.

Good luck. 

 Lonely Hearts

 

Dear Agatha,

I thank God for using you to help mankind. God will continue to bless you.

I am a decent lady of 33 years based in Abuja. I am from Ekiti State, working and schooling. I am in need of a born-again man for a serious relationship that will lead to marriage, the man must be working or into business and should be from South West. I could be reached throughdorcasbiyi@yahoo.com


Hard Telling Her Our Love Can’t Lead To Altar…

Dear Agatha,  

God will continue to bless you and enrich your life. I’m 27 years; there is this girl, 25 years of age, I knew back in 2008. During our interactions she told me about her boyfriend who was then a final year student. According to her, she had decided to quit the relationship because the boy wasn’t ready to settle down and has actually given her the go ahead to marry any man interested in her.

Following this, I promised to stick to her, but with time I found out that she lacked one major quality I needed in my wife. So I decided to begin the process of ending the relationship. Though I made up my mind to end it, I also didn’t think it should be sudden to avoid hurting her too much.

Last year, after a one-year (2008) IT job I secured for her in one of our branches and where she found out of my relationship with one of the directors, she began to mount pressure on me to come and marry her. I was able to resist the pressure.

In September last year, she told me somebody was coming for her hand in marriage, and that she is refusing him as a result of the love she has for me. Seeing this as my cue, I told her to give the guy a chance since I have no plans to marry soon, because projects I had on hand, thus wouldn’t want to waste her time. 

Thereafter, I purposely started avoiding her, but nothing I did made her change her mind about me. This year, I stopped picking her calls and later sent her a text message informing her of my disinterest in the relationship. I told her she was however free to come for financial assistance should she need any. 

To my surprise, in her reply to my text, she said it was either my love or nothing; that my presence in her life prevented her from accepting other offers and that unless I stay on with her, her heart will hold it against me.

I really intended a peaceful separation. I did what I did to free myself after I searched my heart and found out I can’t marry her. How can I settle this matter in a peaceful manner? The only time she told me about another man, I advised her to marry the guy.

Agatha, please help me.

Madu.

 

Dear Madu,

You erred by not telling her the truth when you found out she lacked the essential quality you needed in a wife. Although relationship derives its origin from sentimental feelings, but its existence is based on reality and facts.

Your refusal to be honest with her is what is causing this problem for you. You didn’t want to hurt her by refusing to tell her the truth, but that is precisely what you are doing now, asking her to go and marry another man when she has invested all her hopes on you two getting married.

Even if she lied about the other man coming to her, the truth is, you should have told her to enable her begin something new with another man. Pretending you were still interested in her when your mind was already made up presents you as being selfish even if you claim you acted in her best interest.

There is no way you can convince her on that now especially as you are also saying the same thing her former boyfriend said to her when he wanted to end the relationship. Your asking her to marry this man just like her former boyfriend did would not only hurt her, but also bring back a lot of memories she thought she has forgotten. It is like opening up already healed wounds. In her shoes you would feel bitter, betrayed and humiliated.

She would feel of all these because you are still not man enough to tell her the truth, the real reason you are ending the relationship. Telling her like her former boyfriend that you aren’t ready to marry is good enough. In addition it makes you appear to her as very calculating, someone who needed her body for pleasure but not good enough to marry.

Sincerely, it would be hard for her to forgive you unless you tell her the truth. As it is now, you may have left it too late. Not only does she currently feel betrayed by you, but that you have used and dumped her. It would now require extra wisdom from you to get her to forgive you and accept your terms without this feeling of bitterness deep in her.

It was also very thoughtless of you to have communicated your desire through a text message. Even if you insist on not wanting to hurt her, ending the relationship through a text message wasn’t ideal.

 How would you feel if you were in her shoes and the person you love as well as planning to spend the rest of your life with, decides to end your relationship in such an undignified manner?

Honestly, it would take the grace of God for you to convince her that this move wasn’t planned long ago.

If you are to persuade her on your good intentions, take the brave step of going to see her personally. Be prepared for her anger, but be determined to achieve a positive result, one that would see both of you ending the relationship without too much bitterness.

It may not be so easy at first to convince her of your good intentions, but if you take time to explain to her, point her at the reason you both cannot have a wonderful life together, she would eventually agree to let go.

To soften her, begin by pointing out her good points. Let her know she is not completely without good qualities, but that the one very important to you, that you have always required in your dream woman she lacks.

You must also make her understand that you didn’t plan this from the beginning; that you were actually interested in having her for keeps until you discovered she didn’t have what you really need in a woman. Endeavour to explain this to her to help her make the necessary amends in her next relationship. It is essential to protect her from further disappointment in her future relationships.

Whatever it takes let her see your regret and helplessness at your inability to move the relationship forward with her.

Ensure you really beg for her forgiveness to be free of whatever spiritual consequences that is likely to come from your mismanagement of her feelings for you.

In future, learn to be a man by owning up to your responsibilities.

Good luck.

Must She Wait Forever To Declare Her Love For Me?


Dear Agatha,

I really want to say a big thank you for the way you answer questions and give hope to anyone who gets to write you through your column.

Please, I really need your advice on this one. Six years after I suffered a disappointment, I have fallen in love again with a girl I met three years ago. 

Severally in the past, I have tried to make her appreciate my feelings for her. It was only this year she began to take me serious. We took to exchanging calls as well as sms (short message service). This gave me strong hope that one day she would be mine forever. However the problem is that while she has confessed her feelings for me to her friend, she has refused to tell me anything. Rather than her saying she misses me whenever I skip lecture, she would instead lie that the lecturer asked for me and insists I shouldn’t miss lecture again. But when I ask other course-mates if truly the lecturer noticed my absence they would all deny knowledge of what she said the lecturer said.  

We recently started chatting so late into the night, viewing each other on webcam. We would say all manner of sweet things to each other, but I discovered she isn’t taking serious all the things I tell her. I understand she might just want to know if I truly love her, but for how long does she want to do this? I have been in love with her for the past three years and will always love her.

Please, I need your help, because thought of her is occupying all my time.  Please help to make me understand why she is doing this to me.  Jan C.


Dear Jan C.,

Obviously there are so many things you don’t understand about her, and which you are too much in a rush to find out.

From her attitude, she is also trying to be sure you are serious about her. Yes, she told her friends she is in love with you, but is holding back because there are certain things about you too that she is trying to confirm. Due to your previous disappointment, you seem to be in too much haste to have her in your life, neglecting to find out who she really is and what makes her who she is now.

To get her to listen to you, you may have to play down on your own desperate need for her in your life and concentrate on finding out the important things that would help you keep her in your life. Unlike you, you have loved her from the moment you met her three years ago. Whereas, she is just discovering her feelings for you, therefore would need time to properly x-ray what she feels for you and put your own feelings for her through series of tests.

Her attitude could be a result of a past experience, one she vowed never to go through again. Unless you devote time to her, you will never be able to find out what life has dealt her with. Rather than devote all your time to making her see in clear terms what you feel, also make it your business to find out what her history is. This is what would give her the confidence to move on with you. For some women, it isn’t just a matter of a man declaring his love, but a matter of how much he really cares. You must show her that your interest transcends her body to her mind, and well-being. She has to see that your love for her is laced with care, understanding, support and willingness to make sacrifices for her. 

Being course-mates, she may also be considering other things beyond what you both feel for each other. For instance, unless your relationship is well defined, grounded on real substance that would make her want to risk a future with you, she may not consider you for anything serious. The natural question for her and one strong reason she may not want too deep an involvement with you is your suitability for her after you both graduate, the time it would take for you to be ready to settle down. Once she leaves the university, pressures would be on her to get married because a woman’s time has an expiry shelf date. This could be one of the reasons she is still hesitating. She has to know if you are worth taking any risk for and with. Sincerely, she needs more assurances from you than she is getting because she is gradually coming to that point in her life when some women begin to think of all the tomorrows. To help ensure you are for real, take more than a passing interest in her. Don’t limit yourself to your feelings, but act it by demonstrating care, understanding, appreciation, selflessness as well as sacrifices towards her. 

By capitulating to your frustration at your seeming inability to make a positive connection with her, you risk losing her over your inability to make her understand what you are and what she means to you. The nature and future of a relationship is defined from its early stage.

Good luck.