Dear Agatha,
I am 32 years old and married with three children, while expecting the fourth.
I am grossly unhappy with the man I married seven years ago, when I was 24.
My problem is that this man doesn’t appreciate me; does not buy things for me. Instead, he spends his money on girlfriends. I on my own take care of all my needs, both financially and materially.
The most annoying is the attitude he puts up when I desire him.
Sometimes I wonder where the undying love he promised me is. Can you imagine my husband giving me a timetable of when he wants to be with me and when he doesn’t? Agatha, is it fair?
I stumble on condoms randomly in his clothing’s, and when I ask him whom the condoms are for since we don’t use them together, he usually responds that they were given to him at the numerous seminars he attends.
Most times I cry these days, and I don’t know what to do.
Please Agatha, should I divorce him or continue to endure this loveless marriage with him? Tell me what to do.
Worried Wife.
Dear Worried Wife,Divorce is never an option when problems come raining in a marriage. Life itself is laced with problems, which have to be tackled if we are to move to the next stage. At no time did God promise us a problem-free life, rather, He only assured of His mercy and presence through our trials.
Once a person has the right attitude towards an issue and commits it into the hands of God, everything would work wonderfully well.
You are not alone in the challenges you are facing. Every married couple has a tale to tell about their marriages. You will be shocked at what most couples are coping with, because they would make yours appear as a child’s play.
At least, you haven’t complained about him beating you or violating your person.
Every situation has a worse version, so begin by learning to be grateful that your situation isn’t something you cannot manage.
Painful as what I am about to say is, the truth is, most women are coping with the presence of other women in their marriages. So your husband isn’t doing something most men aren’t doing.
And like you, most women are also responsible for their own keeps, not because it is an ideal thing, but to ensure a certain level of peace and happiness in their lives.
The reality of contemporary marriages is that the woman has to be up and doing to make it work.
Most men simply aren’t ready to carry all the responsibilities of the marriage institution alone.
Even when they want to, economic realities make it impossible for them to do.
If he is paying the house rent, taking care of the children, providing the food, be thankful that the burden on you is only your needs.
In a lot of marriages, the women are practically playing the roles of breadwinners, even where their husbands are gainfully employed.
The dynamism of today’s marriages differ greatly from the time of our mothers, hence, you must learn to flow with the current trend, else you risk pushing your husband further away from you; into the waiting arms of those numerous ladies who are daily praying for a mistake on your part for them to come in and do those things you are complaining about joyfully.
While not eulogising as the ideal, the current marital trends, naked reality demands that the woman at home deploy wisdom in her attitude, comportment and reactions to what is happening in her marriage.
You are about to give birth to your fourth child. He must be doing something right for you to have agreed to have four children in seven years of marriage.
I am sure if he weren’t taking care of the children, paying all the other necessary bills, you wouldn’t be expecting that child.
The trick of reviving an ailing marriage is to move away from the negatives to the positives.
Learn to give him credit for the little he is doing before tabling bigger things before him.
If he has given you a timetable of when to be with him, rather than bemoan the development, make an occasion of it, by ensuring he never forgets the memories of your moments together.
Difficult as it maybe, you owe it to yourself, the children and your marriage to stop worrying about the other women.
What should be your utmost concern now is how to release him from the claws of the other women. And better means do you have than your home advantage, and intimate knowledge of him to get him asking for more.
He loves you enough not to have told you to quit his home.
That is one thing you must never forget in a hurry. You have a history together; one none of these girls has with him, so, get cracking by opening pages from your wonderful past to kick start your determination to get him back.
Give him the greatest sex he will ever have, remember you have the license. Read up books and don’t be shy in experimenting with what you read. The idea is to get him screaming for more. If you are the lay back type, allowing him to do all the thinking for fear of being labelled wayward, its time to get out of all that and give him everything in you.
Time enough to worry about what he thinks; the job at hand is to get him to forget. In war, every weapon is legitimate.
Can you remember the type of dresses he particularly liked you in? Or how he wanted you to appear way back then? Rekindle his memories of yesteryears by doing precisely that. Help him remember why he wanted you for keeps among the women in his life then.
Helping him to remember is helping you have peace in your marriage. Nagging him or greeting him with gloomy face will not change a thing, but a positive attitude from you can.
Also, learn to improve on your cooking; there is always plenty of room for improvement in whatever we do. That you have cooked his meals for seven years and he has eaten them without complaining doesn’t mean he is satisfied. He may not be able to tell you precisely, but would appreciate it, if you take the effort to improve on your cooking. Find out discreetly what restaurants he visits with these girls, go there to find out what their specialty is and make the effort to cook it for him on the days he would be home with you and the children.
For privacy, you could turn your bedroom into your love-nest. Redecorate if for the purpose of seducing him back into your arms.
If you can afford it, book yourselves into a hotel for a romantic weekend from the children and the familiarity of your home.
Use your money, body, time and imagination to woo him back. He has to come back first before you can complain about the pains he has caused you. In his present mood, he won’t listen.
You have plenty of time to remind him of his vows to you as well as responsibility to his children. But for now, you have to bury your pains and get him interested in you all over again. Being pregnant is not an excuse not to be romantic. It is just a matter of using your imagination as well as determination.
Many marriages are today running on determination.
Once you, as the woman, are determined to stay on irrespective of what the man does, the problem is half solved. You will stop worrying about his attitude and learn to focus on the reasons both of you have decided to stay together. It will also stop you worrying and crying over the situation in your home.
Simply because life hasn’t been fair to a person doesn’t make it right for that person to commit suicide, which is what you would be doing if you give up on your marriage and husband.
In addition, get on your knees. There is nothing prayers cannot change. Rather than cry to yourself, why not direct your cries to the One person who has the heart of your husband right in His palms? There is no man or situation God hasn’t absolute authority over. Cry to Him for strength, courage, wisdom, patience, tolerance and selfless love to make your marriage work.
If you leave, your four children will be the greatest casualties of your decision. Even if you have the financial resources, you don’t have the emotional ability to handle four children alone. They will always demand for their father’s presence. So, its best you make it work rather than go it all alone.
Doubtless, you are hurting, but be wise as a serpent and deploy the meekness of the lamb to smile again in this marriage.
Good luck.
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