Tuesday, December 18, 2012

He wants me to dress against my beliefs

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please I need your help urgently. My husband who professes to be a Christian, as a matter of fact, an assistant pastor, wants me to wear trousers, body hugging clothes, jewellery, sexy blouses, perm my hairs as well as wear trendy underwears. These things are against my beliefs because I grew up in a home where these things are forbidden. My parents were members of the Scripture Union. Throughout my university days, I resisted the temptation to follow trends because my father from an early age told me that only wayward women put on trousers or wear jewellery. He said these things were from the devil, specifically the water spirit herself. We got married three years ago and I have noticed that he isn’t always comfortable with me. I married him because I thought he actually liked me the way I am, but I am beginning to doubt that these days. I know that while we were dating, he made attempts to persuade me to change my way of dressing, but soon gave up when I told him I wasn’t ready to change from what I have always been. I really thought he was okay by my explanation and was really glad when he became an assistant pastor. But now, I am not so sure. I have also noticed that he is keeping his distance from me these days, seems to prefer the company of other people than mine. He also complains about everything I do these days, including dressing our daughter in clothes he doesn’t like. I love him more than anything else in the world, but I cannot change from who I have always been. I am 32 years of age. I consider myself too old to make that change he wants me to make. Besides, how do I explain to my friends from my youth and family the new me? I have tried everything I know to make him change but he is being so unreasonable and adamant. What do I do, Agatha? The Bible says it is wrong for a woman to wear trousers, do I obey my husband or stick to what the Bible says? Yeniola. Dear Yeniola, The Bible calls the man the head of the home and mandates the woman to give him every respect and support deserving of his position. The Bible conceives the man as the crown of the woman therefore it follows she must do everything within her power to ensure it stays firm and well balanced on her head. From Genesis to Revelation, obedience remains the bond of relationship between God and man. It remains the number one commandment that is why God says obedience is better than sacrifice. Without it, no organisation in the world would work, especially the marriage institution. Everywhere in the world, the different doctrines and religions preach the man as being the head of the home; hence his words and desires are laws. No matter the position a woman occupies or her family background, the law of God and man demands total submission to the wishes of her husband. Therefore, your father’s laws or his desires cannot override that of your husband whose name you now answer to. If you cannot respect your husband, the man God has ordained to be your crown, it follows you cannot honour God. It is a simple case of outright disobedience to the ways and directives of God. Coming down to simple logic, who is asking you to change your ways? Is it not the man who married you, the one man you swore to before God and man, to honour, respect, obey, love all the days of your life? Who will you be wearing those clothes for, he or other men? Why did you get married? And what were you told to do to have a happy and fulfilled home by your parents? Did your father or mother tell you at any point in your life that you should disobey your husband? Deep down, do you think your mother would have lasted the length of time in your father’s house were she a disobedient wife? As a pastor’s wife, how would you handle this kind of issue if a female member of the church comes to you for help? Would you ask her to ignore the wishes of her husband or listen to him to protect her home? One other point you should consider is how you would feel in the long run, if your husband decides to look another woman’s way. Don’t think being an assistant pastor stops him from feeling all the things other men feel or going through temptations. If prominent men of God have fallen to the lure women represent, there is limit to what he can do without help from you. The first help he is asking you is to help him fight the pull of the flesh by dressing attractively. Your husband knows his own weak points and is asking, appealing to you as his wife to help him fight it by meeting him half way through your way of dressing. To understand his reason better, make an unscheduled visit to his counselling class or that of any young and attractive pastor to appreciate the daily temptations the men of God are exposed to. Those things he is asking you to wear are Victorian compared to what some women wear for deliverance or counselling. Understand one thing, he is first of all a man before being a pastor. There is no way he can be under annointing for 24 hours. It takes only a second to surrender to the bait of a calculating woman. Once that second happens, the mess may take forever to erase. I am sure you would rather do as your husband says than to have another woman entice your husband to herself. If he sees women in trousers, he would think nothing of another woman wearing trousers. He may not notice because back home, his wife wears it. He will not need to imagine what it will be like to have a wife who wears it or think it anything special for a woman to be in trousers. The clear implication of you disobeying him is that he maybe forced into the hands of another woman, one willing to do what he wants. And where will that leave you? If there is any repercussion from what he is asking you to do, it is between him and the God he serves, not you because you are following the laid down rules of God; obeying your husband. As for what your family or friends from your past would say, it isn’t their business. You are now a grown woman, responsible to your husband and yourself. If your husband isn’t comfortable with the kinds of clothes you are wearing, it behoves you to do what you have to do, to keep your marriage going under. Anybody who queries you for doing what everywoman does to protect her marriage is no friend of yours. Besides, my Bible tells me that God created everything in heaven and earth. Therefore the logic that gold comes from devil, a creation of God, cannot hold water. Gold is precious and one of the ornaments the Book of Revelations says is used in abundance in heaven. So how can gold and other precious stones then come from the devil? The only thing is for us not to worship the ornament more than the Creator. No matter what you do, put the interest of your home and desires of your husband. Your father ran his home the way he wanted and liked, allow your husband do the same for his home. The greatest pains that can befall a woman is to be pushed out of her home by another woman her husband finds more attractive. Honestly, you are a very lucky woman because your husband is honest enough to tell you what he wants. No everyman has the boldness and forthrightness to be so explicit about what he wants. This is why many men go outside their homes to begin affairs with women, who come close to their dream women. Marriage is a journey of compromises and sacrifices. Both of you must find a common ground to move your marriage forward. You must do away with certain things from your past because you now have a new leader whose rules are different from the one your father brought you up with. Obedience is the only thing that brings comfort zone in a marriage. Obey him first and complain about the aspects you don’t like later. The fact that you are willing to do as he says will make him listen to whatever complains you may have against one or two things. Always stay close to God if you want your marriage to go a long way. Good luck.