I Don’t Enjoy Sex

Dear Agatha,

I am a new bride who needs advice on sex matters. My husband met me a virgin. Despite this he expects me to be very knowledgeable about the ways of men and women. My first experience wasn’t what I expected at all. I thought, going by all the excited talk my friends always have about sex, it would be a heavenly experience, but to my dismay, it turned out to be a complete let down. Not only was it very painful, it was equally stressful. 

My husband didn’t even consider the fact that it was my first time. When I complained he told me it was natural; that I would soon begin to enjoy the act.

I thought so too but we have been married for six months and there is no hope in sight for me. Rather than progress as he said, I am increasingly becoming scared of sleeping with him. I don’t enjoy his company whatsoever. He makes me sore because I am always very dry whenever he makes love to me.

My complaints about the whole thing have consistently fallen on deaf ears. I have read a lot of books to know that he is also not doing enough to help me at all. He is completely lacking in understanding of what I feel or what he puts me through each time he comes near me. I honestly feel violated but there is nothing I say that seems to make sense to him. 

What prompted me to write you is, his reference to other women he has been with and the fact that I simply cannot comprehend how to go about the whole episode of learning how to make love to protect my home. 

Agatha, please help me protect my home. Teach me how to make love to my husband to save my marriage from collapse. I don’t know who or where to turn to, as this is one topic I can’t discuss with my mother. 

Atinuke.

Dear Atinuke, 

Most men don’t understand what it takes to transform a girl to a woman. They simply don’t know that the body of a woman is more complex than that of the man and that it is more than the stroking of the breasts, caressing the body and kisses to get started and complete the journey of satisfaction between a man and woman.

It is easier for men to achieve optimum satisfaction on demand because their productive organ is placed outside their body. Besides, they are motivated by sight to get started and once on the go, most men find it absolutely easy to complete the task unlike a woman who has to be stimulated intensively to get to her peak. For a woman, the man has to take the special time to investigate her vulnerable points, her erotic zones that will not only help her achieve optimum performance but help the man too to enhance his rating.

Because there are no two women alike, irrespective of whatever experiences the man is coming with in the relationship, the woman must insist on taking him on a guide of her body’s erotic zones. Just like there are no two women alike, men too differ in their approach. While one man’s touch may turn a woman on in a particular place another can get her going on that particular spot. This is why a woman once naked before a man should bury all pretences and sense of morality if she intends to be one the same page with her partner.

By and large, a man can always peak with just about any woman because they are mostly excited by sight and not from what the woman is doing to their bodies therefore it is the duty of the woman to ensure she puts her patent on the man by ensuring no other woman gives him the kind of pleasure she gives him.

As a woman desperate to keep her man, this is one thing you must do. Throw away any inhibitions and go for books that are very matter of fact about the ways of adults. Even if he met you a virgin, the knowledge of sex is inbuilt in every man. What these books would do for you is simply to drag out that knowledge from the cupboard of your subconscious.

Forget the pain and way he has treated you so far in the bedroom. It is something you must rise above if you intend keeping him especially as he is proving difficult and very uncooperative.

Although what I am about to say is something a lot of people frown at but practical teaching of this subject demands absolute honesty and that is why you must begin with this task with a detailed knowledge of your body. What you don’t know, you cannot give or recognise.

Examine for yourself what your own erotic zones are; this way it is easier to lead your man through the maze that is your body. The fact that your husband appears to have lost patience with you means he may not be in the right frame of mind to go on this expedition with you hence the need for you to go first before approaching him. It is only after he is sated that he can willingly go with you full scale.

To help you overcome any inhibitions whatsoever, you must always have it at the back of your mind that you are licensed to do whatever you like with you body when with your husband. Don’t ever forget that if you don’t another woman would gladly take your place in his life and bed.

Knowing what turns you on is only a part of it; you must also keep him constantly in control of the situation by soliciting his help in making him happy. Giving him the impression that his satisfaction is your primary motive would spur him to further help you in becoming a mistress of the game. 

Another way you can be on top of the game is to follow your instincts without thinking when intimate with your husband. The problem usually comes when you try to rationalise your feelings.  Believe me when I say nature is still the best teacher. It enables a couple to transform sex to love making.

Relying on nature’s learning aid and canvas, touch and skin, the fingers can practically set the skin on fire. Once he begins to touch you allow all your erotic desires from the time you began to notice your body flow into the action. This is why babies tune in to the parent that cuddles them the most. Therefore to get him to understand you better, use more of your hands to do the talking rather than your mouth, the sense of touch is so powerful that it can convey in full measure all those things you are afraid to tell him about yourself and desires.

It is after you have taught him how you want to be handled, given him the opportunity of shaping you to fit into his fantasy that you can confidently talk to him about his initial attitude.

Good sex engineers confidence, friendship, as well as a special kind of bond between a husband and his wife. It enables a couple to share secrets they might never have shared had the right atmosphere not been created by lovemaking.

Good luck.

My Supposed Admirer Snubbed Me

Dear Agatha,

I’m a very ardent reader of your articles. You have been highly blessed with a gift that is so rare and I thank God for that.

I need your candid thoughts and advice on something I did nearly two years ago that has constantly bothered me thereafter.

It actually began about four years ago when a guy in my church started to show interest in me. He would constantly stare at me and give me those puppy dog looks. He would completely forget himself whenever I share a space with him. It got so bad that he followed me around. Whenever it was time to share the grace in fellowship, he would make sure he came over to hold my hands and sometimes his hands would even tremble. I was 19 years old then, and had never been in any relationship. He was 22 years old.

At first, I knew that he liked me but I desperately tried to avoid him for the following reasons: Every girl practically threw herself at him because apart from being young, he also has a rich family. Furthermore, he was shy.

Back then, I too was extremely shy. I suffered from self-extreme and really didn’t feel like I deserved his love.

Besides, I knew about three other girls in the church he had dated, most of them very rich and come from influential families. He also had a reputation for staring at girls’ back then. 

Along the line, I found that I had fallen desperately in love with him; so, I decided to be more opened to him with the intention that we would get to talk about what was happening. I tried being friendly with him but he was so shy and would rather stare at me than talk to me. It was really a painful period in my life.

Anyway, all this went on for nearly two years until one day, just before my 21st birthday, something in me just snapped and I decided I was going to talk to him about it. I told myself that I was ready for whatever was going to happen. I just needed direction for my life at that time and needed to know where I was headed with him.

To cut a long story short, I went over to his office and asked him his plans for me. To my utter horror and disappointment, he looked at me in the eyes and told me that I was assuming too much into the relationship and that contrary to the impression I had of him that he was always starring at me, he never did and that he liked looking into the skies. I suspected that he may not want to tell the truth, but I never expected him to lie. After that day, he made sure he was more in controlled of the movement of his eyes. From that point I never caught him again looking at me. He also made a point afterwards of bringing a different woman to church every Sunday.

I was very hurt and bitter at the beginning. 

Since then, I haven’t fallen so hard for any man. I have honestly learned also to avoid him like a plague.

The question I want to ask you which has hunted me since that day is, did I make a right decision by going to ask him? The truth is that if I hadn’t asked, I would never have known the truth. But all my friends think I acted out of order and too forward. Please, what do you think about this and can I forgive him completely? How can I move on and pick up the pieces of my life again and fall in love?

Insomnia.

Dear Insomnia, 

There is no going through life without occasional falls, disappointments, mistakes and forgiveness. 

The issue here goes beyond whether you made a mistake with him or not. What counts now is the lesson you were supposed to have learnt from that episode. The lesson goes beyond now to the later part of your life. 

As a woman, you should be more astute, introspective and sure before jumping into a relationship. You don’t go into a relationship on account of what you think the man has in mind but what you are sure he has in mind. When you both started dating, what plans were in place? What did he tell you he wanted from you? What did you both agree on that you were going to do with the relationship?

What was the two years you spent in the relationship all about? Obviously you went into a relationship without first discussing the essence of or plans for it. 

Had you done that from the beginning you would have known his reasons for wanting you or the simple fact of who or what he was always starring at. You got a little bit carried away by the heady feelings of feminine importance that develops in a woman when she is the object of a man’s persistent interest. 

This is one lesson you must keep for the rest of your life: demand for a clear definition of what any man who indicates interest in you wants from you. Granted that relationships come from the heart, it helps to know what one is really up against to make the union less stressful and become more manageable. Had you known from the beginning what his plans were for you, going to ask him when you did wouldn’t have been necessary at all. The question wouldn’t have been his plans for you but assurances to know if you both were still on the same page.

As for your asking him, there is nothing bad in what you did. Better late than never! At least, if for nothing, it helped to bring you back to reality. 

As for this man, let go of his memories. Forgive him because that is the only way you can also have peace in your life and go into another relationship with a free mind and clear focus. 

You can’t totally blame him for your own mistakes too. If there is anyone who is to blame, you are the one; you didn’t price yourself well in the first place. Men would come to ask for your heart for different reasons - they are primarily hunters. 

As the gatekeeper of your heart and body, it behooves you to be sure of what they want before going into it. That you didn’t bother to ask isn’t his fault; so count your losses and move on with your life. 

Moving on means accepting that you have the major fault. This way, it would be easier to put the whole experience behind you and look at life with more maturity and better understanding of all its angles.

Also, it is important you have a clear outline of what you want in a relationship, your life and marriage. Doing so would help you identify the kind of man that will help you achieve it. It is also imperative you have a clear vision of the kind of foundation you want to lay in the relationship. 

The kind of foundation you want would determine how well the relationship progresses. If sex is what is more important to you than who the man is, the kind of life he can offer you, that is what you will get. Relationship is more of what we invest in it.

Good luck.