Saturday, March 27, 2010

My Marriage Is Threatened Over A 20-year-old Secret

Dear Agatha, 

Please help me resolve an impending crisis that is staring my marriage in the face. Years ago, while in school, I got pregnant and due to the insistence of my parents, had the baby. But my mother later took pity on me and agreed to raise the child. Till date, my son stays with my parents and regards them as his biological parents instead of his grandparents.

Nobody has bothered to explain to him that I am his mother due to my insistence that things be kept the way they are. He sees me as his elder sister. 

I didn’t also bother to educate my husband when I met him. He, like others, assumed my son was my younger brother. We are blessed with three children of our own. Once when my parents called me to discuss the issue of me telling my son myself that I am his real mother, as well as inform my husband-to-be that I have a child shortly before my wedding, I pleaded with them to let things be for a while. I told them I needed time to think.

My son is now 20. He comes to my house to spend his holidays at the insistence of my parents. My parents are getting very advanced in age and are determined to settle this issue before they die. My mother is afraid that if she isn’t around to help the boy get over the shock of knowing he is their grandchild, he may never be able to forgive me. She is fearful the information may affect him negatively. She is also very apprehensive of the implication of this information on my marriage. 

She wants the whole thing settled before her death. She has actually given me a deadline of March ending to either tell my husband or she does it for me. 

Knowing my husband, the way I do, I doubt if he will ever forgive me because he is a very difficult man. I fear my marriage will not survive this. I have tried persuading my mother to let things be since nothing would be achieved by the truth coming out now. The boy thinks I am his sister, a situation I am comfortable with. I don’t want anything to happen to my marriage and children. Please help because right now I don’t know what to do.

Christy.


Dear Christy, 

Ask yourself this question, are you being fair to your first son and child? Doesn’t he have the same rights these other children have over your time, affection and considerations?

Was it his fault that you and his father slept together when you were least prepared for the challenges of having him? Why would you persist on parading your son as your brother? 

No matter the consequences of the truth coming out, it is high time you began to take responsibility of your actions and play your role in the life of this young man by confronting the shadows of your past. 

Your parents are right. They have the influence to water down considerably the negative effect of the truth coming out this late. 

Don’t think the truth will not come out someday. Your parents are the reason nobody in the family is saying anything and have continued to accept the boy as being part of the family. Sooner or later, someone would want to set the records straight, especially if the boy steps out of line. Don’t push your luck too far. Besides, there are others outside your family members, friends and colleagues who are also in the know. 

It would spell greater doom for you if your husband gets to find out from other sources about your child. If you think him difficult, wait until he finds out from people outside, then you will know what difficult means. 

Has it ever occurred to you that the father of this boy would one day walk back into your life to demand for his son? What would be your story then? How would you handle a child you haven’t even told the basic truth about his maternity, much less of his paternity? 

Not matter how difficult he is, the fact that you have spent some years together, built a joint history and have children together, are enough to make him want to listen to you later. Yes, like everyone whose spouse kept such a fundamental information from, he will initially get angry, betrayed, embarrassed and disappointed at what you did, but these feelings will eventually go away unless of course his years with you are bereft of any worthy memory. 

You have made a costly mistake once, denying your son by pretending he is your brother. Don’t make the mistake that would completely destroy everything for you. No matter how well mannered a child he is, the fact that you could look him in the eye all these years and address him as your brother, rather than a son, is enough to make this child reject you as a mother for life. 

You may think it doesn’t matter now and that things should be left as they are but you will later realise that it matters a whole lot. Apart from being your first son, he happens to be your first child, the leader of the team. No sensible mother divides her children; the consequences of having divided children are usually more fatal on the woman than the man. The reason being, a man isn’t the one blessed with the task of moulding the family. Your parents may have acted in gap for you all these years but they are not his parents. He remains your primary responsibility. You must establish a relationship with him that will see you playing a dependable role in his life as your parents are doing for you now. It would be a great disaster if after the deaths of your parents, this boy replaces you in his life with another person to act the role of his mother. You may not feel it now because you are young but when the age piles up, you will need the comfort of all your children.

Even if the choice is between your home and child, stand up for this boy for once. Stop rejecting him; give him the chance of knowing his siblings as his brothers and sisters and not as nephews or nieces. You have been very unfair to this young man.

Before telling your husband, invite your son to your parents and gently break the news to him. On your knees beg this young man for forgiveness. This is not the time to play mother but a naughty adult who needs forgiveness of an innocent soul.

Explain everything from the moment you met his father to the point your parents took him over and how each time you stopped out of fear to tell him the truth. Allow your parents take over the discussion from there. With all of you around, he will eventually come to terms with it.

Thereafter, get your husband’s closest confidant and open up to him or her. With the help of this friend, begin by begging for forgiveness. Tell him if he breaks up the marriage on account of what you are about to divulge you will understand but that you are appealing for understanding from the heart you love with everything inside of you. Also, blame your not informing him earlier on fear of losing him. These preambles are to prepare him for the very worse situation and also to help him cope with the shock of your news. 

It will for a while affect your relationship with your husband; when he gets snappy, irritated, understand he is going through a process and that with time, everything will return to normal. But the one thing you should never expect is an instant miracle from either your son or husband. Take each day as it comes.

But before you do this, commit the whole situation to the hands of God in whom we rest our destinies. Beg for forgiveness and tell Him to personally talk to your husband.

Good luck.