Wednesday, June 20, 2012

My man friend turns out to be my husband’s cousin…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, About eight months ago, I was having a challenge in my home. My husband wasn’t sleeping with me anymore, so I told my best friend about it. She told me to go out and have sex with another man when the situation was becoming too unbearable for me. According to her, it would help reduce the tension in my body and home. At that point, I was ready for anything because my body could no longer bear it. I know from her own experience what she is doing to relieve tension. Her husband is the kind of man who hardly has time for her. As a result she has a man friend on the side that does the job of relieving her of the tension in her body. She arranged the friend of her own man friend for me. This man has been asking me out for a long time, so it was a good opportunity for both of us. My marriage is only three years old, so the chances of me knowing all his friends and relatives were slim. Besides, we only courted for six months. We got married when I got pregnant. We didn’t want my parents or his to know about my state of being, devoted Christians. Agatha, how was I to know that the man I have been sleeping with outside my home is my husband’s first cousin? You can imagine my surprise when my husband and this man walked into my living room about two weeks ago. I almost fainted when my husband introduced the man as his first cousin with whom he lost touch several years ago due to family problems. I managed to play my role that day. Although, he called me that night to assure me he would never reveal our relationship to my husband, and that he will never bother me again. I am however afraid because of my feelings for him. More so, my husband has invited him over to stay with us while in the country. He actually came from his base in South Africa to supervise a project for his company. Until he met my husband again, he was putting up in a hotel. Besides, I have come to enjoy his company so much I don’t miss my husband at all anymore. But the fear now is that his partners he came with are aware of our relationship. What if they go and inform my husband about his cousin and I? What do I do, Agatha? My friend thinks I should continue since my husband and I are yet to settle whatever the problem is. I have stopped asking him to share my bed. I need help since I don’t want to be sleeping with different men as a married woman. Gabriella. Dear Gabriella, What do you hope to achieve by destroying your home? Isn’t it enough that the man that you are having an affair with is your husband’s cousin? Isn’t the fact that you were nearly caught enough for you to repent and do whatever you have to do to resolve the issue in your marriage? What kind of woman leaves her home burning while she flirts around like a butterfly? Is sleeping around a panacea to the issue in your marriage? How has having an affair solved the problem of your husband not sleeping with you? No matter how good how much of an expert he is in the bedroom, you can never advertise your relationship or the satisfaction you are getting from him as a woman. Whatever it is you are having with him, it remains a hidden pleasure; something you cannot proclaim to anybody apart from this friend who appears determined to push you to your marital doom. Somehow, God appears to be giving you the chance to repent and move closer to your husband. The fact this cousin of your husband is determined to end the relationship without informing his brother about your irresponsible conduct should have made you give everything up and think of how to make your husband happy. There is no denying the fact that sex is addictive and very enjoyable, but as a married woman, your body, mind and soul belong to your husband. If he isn’t having sex with you, the right thing is to ask him why he is avoiding you. Granted his behaviour is provocative but your solution will only expose you to ridicule and blame in the long run. A good wife finds way of building her home and not destroying it. Just think, if this man were one of those that kiss and tell; what would have happened to you on that day he walked into your home with your husband? Most men have killed their wives for lesser offences. If you are wise, discontinue your association with your friend. The fact that your friend appears to be getting away with her game doesn’t make it right or that you will be that lucky. Use the opportunity God has given you to sit down to reflect on the value of your life and home. No matter how the roads get bumpy and thorny in a marriage, it is the woman that endures the pains to gather all the pieces together again. Don’t allow your friend to destroy what is left of your home. Let her know that her solution isn’t the kind you want anymore in your marriage and life. What explanations would you give your husband if you contract a sexually transmitted disease from one of your male lovers or accidentally get pregnant? As long as you haven’t made up your mind to end the marriage, still determined to stay in it, it behooves you to make it work at all cost. Sleeping around has never been known to solve any marital problem. Instead it will complicate things for you. Nobody will give you a chance to explain what led you into it. A woman is expected to be more circumventing when it comes to the issue of extramarital affair. The true character of a marriage is the kind of sacrifices and challenges we are able to overcome. Go back to your drawing table and do a thorough x-ray of the many things that could have gone wrong. Fortunately you have a history together. No matter how short your courtship was you must have noticed one or two things about him. After staying with him for about three years, you ought to know by now what makes him happy as well as that thing that makes him unhappy. If you cast your mind back, you should know at what point your husband lost interest in you and your body. What you need to ask yourself is why? What has been the persistent issue in your marriage until this development? Can you cast your mind back? Has he ever complained of anything about your body, comportment and attitude to sex? Is he crazy about sex as much as you or does he want something you cannot give? If you were to score your sex life with your husband, how would you grade it? Sincerely, what do you miss most about not having sex with him anymore? From experience, only a sincere heart can unravel this mystery in your marriage. Your husband may not want to talk about it but if you know how to worm your way into the right part of his heart, you will get to the root of the problem, something running from the arm of different men will never be able to achieve. One of the ways to make him talk is to cook his favourite meal. Ensure you have his undivided attention, go on your knees and ask him to forgive whatever offence you might have committed to make him shun your bed. Whatever it will cost you, bury your pride and really beg for his forgiveness. Even if he was the wrong one, the fact that you have been unfaithful to him makes you now the guilty party. Even though you will never be able to tell him the things you did behind him, begging him from the depth of your heart will go a long way in helping your home recover from this mess fast enveloping your home. In begging him, ask him what he wants you to do to make him happy. Remind him of the reasons he married you and you him. Follow this by wearing the most naughty nightgowns, the kind no man can resist. Your objective is to first of all get him to be intimate with you. Once this is accomplished, it would be easier for both of you to talk about the real issue in your marriage. You must however ask God for forgiveness, because no matter what, you have stepped out of line. From this point, hold on to Him and avoid people that are like this friend of yours. As for his cousin, you could appeal to him not to take up your husband’s offer for the sake of both of you. I am sure from his conduct and attitude, he would not want to risk another family war between the two of them. Good luck.

Failure imminent in my relationship

Dear Agatha, Please help me. My relationship of six years is about to crash and I don’t have any idea of how to salvage it. Debi. Dear Debi, A lot of things can go wrong with long courtships; the chief culprit being excessive familiarity, the main headache of most relationships. When a dating couple gets too familiar with weaknesses and faults, it makes the relationship difficult to grow. This is because too much of familiarity breeds contempt; one of the things that destroy a relationship. Often than not, long courtships make couples have rethink about going any further especially when they consider the permanent things that each of them will have to cope with throughout life’s journey. It is a human thing, something every relationship goes through. The difference is that by the time married couples come to that realisation, the legality of marriage makes it impossible to beat a retreat unlike a dating couple, where one party may decide to sink a long-standing relationship without looking back. Truthfully speaking, in most cases, it is almost impossible to revive long-standing relationships when they hit the rocks. The party that wants to go is often than not too much in a hurry to end it and marry the next person. You really will have to work extra hard to make what you have work. It will help to bear in mind that this may not work at the end of the day. Such an attitude will really help you recover or put things in their right perceptive. The first question is who is the problem in this relationship? Who is taking the other for granted and why is the crack getting bigger everyday? This is the moment of stock-taking and telling yourself the truth. The relationship cannot collapse without the help of both of you. At this critical stage, don’t assume the holier-than- thou attitude of him being the sole reason the relationship isn’t working. Sit yourself down for a thorough critique. What are his persistent complaints about you all these years? What steps did you take in addressing the situation? If you can promise yourself a change in attitude and know that no matter what you will keep to it, go ahead and try to make him see reasons. But because you don’t have any legal base beyond the relationship you both share, sit him down not to plead but to have a true discussion. At this critical stage, pleas only won’t work. It has to be done with every sincere attempt needed to salvage what is left. It is only after getting him to sit to discuss that you can worry about the future of the relationship. Allow him to pour out his heart first if he is the one that is asking to go. Hear him, his complaints as well as his views about the things you should have done as a woman to make the relationship work. This will give you a clear picture of where the trouble signals are as well as prepare you for what to say and the tasks ahead of both of you. Also ask if there is someone else. Though it might hurt to know, just as his words will help you define the way to go; knowing there is another woman will also define the kind of work you need to do to make the relationship work again. It is a matter of him too wanting the same things you want. Once you get him to look back at the beginning, how it was and all the dreams you both packed into the relationship, he might want to give it another try. But all these depend on the kind of understanding you both had at the inception of the relationship. If there was never any plan for both of you to marry, you simply took it for granted, it might be a different kettle of fish. However, one thing that might work in your favour is the knowledge of time; at least you know what to avoid in the future but you have to get past this critical point first. Finally, if God is in this relationship, this period will only enhance its value but if not, He will bring someone else to make you happy. Good luck. Re: My love feelings for guys dead Dear Agatha, I was so much thrilled when I saw the advice you gave the 20-year-old who says she has lost feelings for guys and also feels horny inside her in Sunday Independent Newspaper 03/06/12. In fact, I liked every bit of your advice because that’s what I give to the young girls around especially the one I want to marry. Everybody feels horny but what makes the difference is the ability to hold oneself in the face of such hormonal war. It is good to balance her spiritual and physical demands, what she really wants in life before placing sex on the table. It is good that every young girl graduates into the hands of her husband than after passing through a lot of ugly experiences in the hands of men cum boys. These are sinful as well as undesirable, even the men that do that would not want their own wives to be exposed like that. Thank you very much and God bless you. Best wishes, Dr. Echi, Paul Chinedu

My husband is no longer interested in me sexually

With Agatha Edo , Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please I need your advice. I have been married for five years. My marriage is blessed with two children. Recently, my husband stopped asking for sex. He gets angry at everything I do and I keep apologising for nothing. Now, I am tired so I want to avoid him too. What do you think? I strongly think he is seeing another woman. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Although this is often difficult to admit but over 90 percent of marriages have your kind of challenge. It takes the grace of God for a man to remain faithful to his vows. The struggle of the average man to stay true to his vows is getting more complex with the growing lack of moral values among both married and single women. Therefore, if your husband is straying, don’t get too upset rather, pretend your marriage is going through a phase of life for which you must put extra efforts to make it work. At just five years, it is too early for you to cave in to any threat. And one way to make this marriage work for you is to delete the worry of other women from your list of challenges. As long as you cover your flanks properly, you really have very little to fear in the long run. One secret, women whose marriages have endured, is never to allow another woman take over their homes. Other problems may cause a separation but allowing another woman take over your man and home is something you must fight with everything God has given you as a woman. This man is your husband; meaning you have a hold over him no other woman has. As a single man, you were not the first and only woman he came across. He saw, dated and probably thought of marrying other women before he met and settled for you. That in itself puts you head and shoulders above every other woman that has come into his life and would ever come. These women will remain transient visitors in his life. For this reason, as well as being the mother of his children, ignore all the signs that another woman is in his life. You definitely don’t have any problems with her. Sincerely, she isn’t an issue if you know how to play your cards well. However, she becomes a real one if you neglect the important things, nagging your husband and elevating her to be the real challenge. So what, if he isn’t having sex with you now? Yes, painful and emotionally traumatising but not insurmountable. To get round this problem, it is essential you tackle it right from the foundation. What was it like in your early days of marriage? Precisely, has sex been wonderful and adventurous between the two of you? And outside the bedroom, what are you like? If you were a man, would you enjoy being married to a woman with your character and attitude? Are you neat enough for him? What kind of respect and honour do you accord your husband? Are you the kind of woman who can’t be bothered how she addresses her man in the presence of visitors and family members? Do you bother about his food, home and appearance? Or are you too busy that you forget that you have a man who needs and desires your company? Do you belong to the category of women who once they start having children elevate their children above their husbands? They think the children deserve their attention more than their husbands? Is your husband your best friend or just someone you are sharing your space with? For some couples, intimacy and friendly discussion ends once they sign the dotted lines. How many times have you gone out of your way to ask him about his work, worries and fears or ask him how he feels about his job? What about your appearance? Do you still have a lot of the lady he married? Has your behaviour changed so dramatically that he can hardly recognise the woman he married in the woman that now graces his home? Most of the time women make the mistake of ignoring their husbands to the point of losing them in the process of daily living. We often think we need more attention than men when in the real sense, men need attention, though try to pretend they are stronger emotionally. Some of the time, their quietness or distance is a signal that they are going through severe emotional stress. This is the time a woman who is wise, steps in to be his mother and best friend. This is the reason God made us man and woman; a pair to comfort each other. In His wisdom, God has given the woman the extra shock absorbers to absorb all that life throws at us with ease. A woman’s quick ability to cry, relieves her of the emotional burden men carry around. This is why most women outlive their husbands. If you are serious about diverting his interests back to the home, you must step into the role of his mother and best friend. By now, you should have mastered the act of drawing him out of himself to talk about those things bothering him. Without him saying anything, you should have become a kind of authority in reading his moods and mind. Such knowledge helps when things become this bad in a relationship. It would have provided you with clues immediately it began to happen. I am sure, his moods didn’t begin at the point he stopped sharing your bed; it must have started much earlier but because you didn’t bother, the early signs escaped you. How do you now win him back? Simple, go back to the early days. What did he like about you? How did he want you to look for him? Between then and now, what has changed in your behaviour towards him? This is the time to search for the old you in the cupboard of time where you left her. Bring her up, dust her and allow her to help you win back your man. If he is having an affair, you need your old you now more than before to remind him of what is important; the reason he married you in the first place. Add your knowledge of him to your past to win him back. Borrow from your present; the food he likes best; how he likes to make love, go out of your way to read up books on exciting ways of making a man happy in the bedroom as well as lots of prayers. Send him wonderful and very romantic mails and text messages. If he is the kind that cannot do without a laptop; send him wonderful pictures of you in sexy nightgowns and the kinds of clothes he likes you in. Get the children to send their messages on how much they miss the presence of their father. At odd times, send him romantic text messages; woo him with everything you have. Send him gifts to remind him that he occupies a very special place in your heart. The nights he is at home; make it romantic and sexy. If you avoid him, you will create a big gulf in the already cracked walls of your marriage which at the end of the day will be very difficult to patch up. One thing is to say you are sorry but another thing is for you to act it. Let him, through your actions, see that whatever his reasons are for dating another woman, you are trying to make everything right and willing to do more if he gives you the chance to be close to him once again. No matter how far gone he is, by the time you back your efforts up with prayers, God will bring him back home. Good luck.

Multiple dating is her hallmark…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, For all your support to troubled souls, I want to appreciate you. I am in love with this girl who unfortunately has been cheating on me. Though she initially denied having anything to do with any other man, she later agreed that she has been sleeping around. We have been dating for a year and six months. Between that time and now, she has slept with three separate guys that I know. She has promised to stop cheating on me, Agatha, but to my greatest surprise, she confessed after so much pressure from me that she has been sleeping with one tailor close to their house since March this year. I am in a 500 level medical student while she is in an ND 1 student of a polytechnic. I even promised to marry her, but I am confused. My question now is whether it is right for me to marry a lady I can’t trust? To be fair to her, she told me from the beginning that she has trouble dating one man; that she dates about five men simultaneously. But she assured me she would be faithful to me when I entertained fears about her doing the same thing to me. But right now, Agatha, my heart has been totally shattered. What do I do? I am seriously worried so much so it is affecting my academics. I will appreciate your response. Worried Boy. Dear Worried Boy, In life there are three kinds of people we meet. Some come to help us grow, others are simply spectators in our lives; they don’t leave much impact while others come to destroy us. Depending on how much value we place on our dreams and the reasons for the relationship, those in the third category are most of the time meant to be flushed out the moment they manifest their true colours. Clearly, from your account, this lady isn’t prepared to be in any serious relationship at all. Besides, she has a history that needs time and energy to decipher. Why would any woman concurrently date five men? Something must be wrong somewhere in her life. You need maturity and an understanding beyond what you currently have to handle her. The fact that you are bothered and allowing her behaviour get under your skin showcases you as one man who don’t have what it takes, at least for now to resolve her kind of problem. Frankly, it is either you learn not to take yourself too serious with this lady thereby giving yourself some emotional respite from all the hurts her behaviour is inflicting on you or be man enough to walk away from it all. There is no changing her unless it comes from her heart. To continue to dwell on the behaviour of this lady is to put on yourself unnecessary emotional burden, not good for your educational pursuit. In your fifth year at medical school you need all the concentration to scale through. Sex for her is like a hobby. Unless you know why she doesn’t feel any remorse having sex with more than five men at the same period of time, you cannot help or change her. If you really love her and want to help, first make up your mind not to be affected by her conduct at all. This way you will have the right presence of mind to tackle her. Once you make it your business, ask her what happened in her younger years. This is where the key to her change will come from. You have to drill through the layers of both remembered and almost forgotten memories to help her come to terms with the danger associated with her kind of lifestyle. Sincerely, she needs you more as a friend than a lover to help her come to full appreciation of her value as a woman. If you insist on being her lover, you may never have the emotional equilibrium to stay around her sufficiently to help her change for the better. You may have been planted into her life by God to change her positively. She needs constant talking, help and prayers. Chances are that she doesn’t even know that she has a problem. Some come from physical reasons like abuse when young or through spiritual means. Once you are able to establish the source of her own problems, it would be easier for you to know what kind of help to offer. Whatever you do be a good friend. Don’t allow her to sense your anger and despair too much. This may be counter-productive for the kind of help you want to offer her. Chances are that no man has ever cared enough about her to want to offer her the kind of assistance you are prepared to. For the simple fact that it is unusual, she may react negatively at first, but if you are persistent, she will eventually come to her senses enough to be responsible. The fact too that she told you from the beginning about her person shows that she isn’t pretentious, a positive sign of a mind that is conscious of her problem. She may not know it; her admission may be a silent cry for help. But ensure whatever you do, you are not affected by her attitude. What you should do now is to call her for that personal discussion. It has nothing to do with her being unfaithful to you or not, but more to do with her reason for the kind of life she is living. Good luck.

His mum wants me out of his house

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have a serious problem and very confused. The mother of my boyfriend is my source of concern. I knew his mother from the beginning and then she did approve of me. She also cared and gave me money to start business. Along the line, we travelled together. There we had a little problem and from that point her love for me turned to hatred. Now she is insisting I leave her son alone, but it is impossible because I am already engaged to her son, who is insisting he will marry me irrespective of what his mother thinks. I want you to help me as an elderly person. Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, I don’t know what happened between you and your fiancĂ©’s mother; the fact that she initially welcomed and cared for you is enough reasons for you to try to make amends. No matter what she might have done to you, as the mother of your husband to be, you owe her absolute respect. Go and beg her even if she is the one that offended you. Saying you had a misunderstanding with her is an indication that you are a little bit off the track. If she were your mother, would you announce a disagreement between you and your mother to the world? Irrespective of what happened, go and beg her for forgiveness. Ensure you make peace with her if you hope to enjoy the love and support of your husband. Don’t allow his obvious disobedience to his mother wish against him marrying you blinds you to the need to beg her. This is because a time would come when mother and son will make peace; you will end up being a victim of yourself should you wait until that happens. Plead with your boyfriend to go and appeal to his mother on your behalf rather than encourage him to disobey his mother. It would have been a different thing if from the very beginning she didn’t take to you, but that she liked and provided for you at the beginning makes your care peculiar. Remember that you will also be a mother someday. How would you feel if your child goes against your wishes? See her opposition now as a blessing in disguise; it will help you learn more about the temper, thoughts and values of the family you are getting married into. There is no way your husband will not have some of the traits that brought about this disagreement. A lot of how you will progress with your husband along life’s journey will come from this experience. Challenges will always come, but how we handle them is what makes the most difference in life. Now you know what to avoid when dealing with her. For whatever it is worth, you are the younger one, so go and beg her. In our culture, adults never go wrong. It is always the burden of the younger one to beg for forgiveness when a disagreement occurs between an elderly person and a younger person. Good luck.