Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column, I admire your counsels as I also appreciate the way God has been using you to solve people’s problem. I was 24 years of age last month and have this problem that has been bothering me for long.
It all started while waiting for admission into higher institution. I come from a very humble family who cannot afford three square meals a day. There are times we go to bed on empty stomach.
This notwithstanding, my major headache started early this year when I gained admission into one of the universities in the country. We all decided in the family that I should take up the offer having waited for long though my parents didn’t have the money to pay my fees.
They decided they would borrow the money from a man whom they promised to pay from the proceeds of their farm produce after the harvest season. Unfortunately, the money is not forthcoming and in their wisdom decided I go into marriage to ease their problems.
As if that isn’t bad enough, I have no feelings for the man coming for my hand in marriage. The man I have feelings for, who I have been dating has just finished his tertiary study, waiting for his National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) programme, but painful enough not ready for marriage now. I love my boyfriend very much. I can’t imagine myself settling down with another man let alone a man I have no feelings for. I don’t know how to convince my parents to allow me marry the man of my choice. But I am worried about the hardship we are facing. It is making me to feel uncomfortable. Please, advise me quickly on this before something else happens.
Worried lady.
Dear Worried Lady,
One feeling you should never allow to becloud is that of guilt over the financial situation of your parents. Such feelings are not only negative but also destructive and could make you do something you are not supposed to. You are not responsible for their situation and you are not God who can change it. What assurances do they have that their situation would improve if you get married? What if he turns out to be a man who isn’t as responsible as they think or doesn’t think spending his money on his in-laws is one of his responsibilities?
While you must do everything to prevent your parents feeling bad over their financial condition by refusing to fight them or show open disregard for them, there is the need for you to let them know that their decision for you to marry this particular man is not a solution to the problems.
Rather, there are ways you could help improve on the finances of the family by suggesting to them some small business ideas you could do to pay your way through university. For example, you could, like other children from humble homes, go into the sales of used clothes and shoes while in the campus. There will always be buyers, provided they are trendy. You could also learn the art of hair making. These are businesses with high patronages, one with good turnover sufficient enough to pay for your expenses without bothering your parents for anything. If you are prudent, you will not need to depend on any person for money. One of the major advantages for you is that you also get to dress in the clothes you like without you paying for them. And if well managed by you, could set the tone for your future endeavour, an added bonus to your educational pursuit. You can be what you want to be once you have the right combination of determination and dream. If you are not ashamed of what others would say about your decision to do any of these things, you will also be able, even while in school, to help your family with some financial aids. Life is about knowing the key to your success and giving it all you have to make the difference where others have failed.
I know a lot of young men and women like you who did similar businesses to survive the hardship. Being new, the beginning may not be as easy as anticipated, but overtime you will have more than enough to see you through school, especially if you have the eyes for unique wares.
Your parents are considering the option of sending you into early marriage because they feel intimidated by the bills to procure your education. They feel marrying you off would take the burden off them and that your husband would inherit the responsibility of sending you to school.
Once you are able to prove to them that on your own, you can make the difference without mortgaging your body, morals, and other good values they taught you at home, you will earn their support to do what you want to do.
They are scared that if you are left too long, the condition in the house may push you into trading your body to pay your way through school. It is normal for parents to want to protect their daughters in the best way they can. Your parents solution is to marry you off, which may be the best option to them for now, but could ruin your plans for your future.
What your parents need is not stubbornness, but an alternative plan that would make them relax in their determination.
Going to God in prayers for help and directions would go a long way in making clearer the vision of your life.
Good luck.
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